CULTIVATING FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIPS (or FRIENDSHIPS)
(Part 2 of THE FRIENDSHIP FACTOR Series)
Pastor Dan Harman
INTRO - What will you learn about: Worldwide Problem of Loneliness, Definitions of Friendship, A Beautiful Portrait of Friendship in Bible, Counterfeit Church Fellowship, How to avoid damaging others & Make New Friends, Discerning Right & Wrong Relationships, 7 Steps to Building Great Relationships.
BENEFITS - If you apply these principles you’ll never be short of friends & you’ll be sure to ENJOY an ABUNDANCE of HAPPY, HEALTHY relationships with those in & around your circle of life.
You’ll learn how to build FRIUTFUL FRIENDSHIPS & REPRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS!
You will also be able to help your church both retain & gain more people.
THE 2 TRAVELLERS & THE AXE
TWO MEN were journeying together. One of them picked up an axe that lay upon the path, and said, "I have found an axe." "Nay, my friend," replied the other, "do not say ’I,’ but ’We’ have found an axe."
They had not gone far before they saw the owner of the axe in hot pursuit after them, and he who had picked up the axe said, "We are undone." "Nay," replied the other, "keep to your first mode of speech, my friend; what you thought right then, think right now. Say ’I,’ not ’We’ are undone."
SHE BOUGHT HIM ANOTHER DOG! (optional)
One of the top professional football team’s suffered through a poor season in the early 1970s and as a result the manager came under intense criticism and pressure from both the press and fans. Things got so bad, he remembers with a smile, that friends became hard to find. “My dog was my only true friend,” Rodgers says of that year. “I told my wife that every man needs at least two good friends - and she bought me another dog.”
The point I want to make from these 2 funny illustrations is that we live in a world where good friends are hard to come by!
(Add some verses here to establish some more stakes? See at bottom for suggested verses)
SHAVED HEADS REAFFIRMS A FRIEND!
A teenage boy was diagnosed with cancer and as a result was in the hospital for several weeks to undergo radiation treatments and chemotherapy. During that time, he lost all of his hair. On the way home from the hospital, he was worried-not about the cancer, but about the embarrassment & shame of going back to school with a baldhead. The fear of being laughed at, ridiculed & mocked. He had already decided not to wear a wig or a hat.
When he arrived home, he walked in the front door and turned on the lights. To his surprise, about fifty of his friends jumped up and shouted, "Welcome home!"’ The boy looked around the room and could hardly believe his eyes-all fifty of his friends had shaved their heads!
Wouldn’t we all like to have caring friends who were so Sensitive & Committed to us that they would Sacrifice their hair for us if that’s what it took to make us feel Affirmed, Included, and Loved?
WRITER FRUSTRATED BY LONELINESS – IT’S A WORLD WIDE PROBLEM!
A nationally syndicated columnist writes: ‘I am lonely and it saddens me. How could I not have enough friends? It seems as though every woman’s friendship quota is filled and she is no longer accepting new applicants. It is easy to fill your day with work, but it is not enough.’ And if you think it is bad for women, 90% of men report that they do not have one close friend! Mother Theresa said, ‘Loneliness is modern-day leprosy and people do not want others to know they are lepers.’
Sir Francis Bacon a famous English philosopher quotes ‘The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.’
We as the Body of Christ have been given the responsibility to help address this problem!
If the lonely can’t find a place of refuge & sincere friendship in the church, where can they go??
Main Body:
3 FRIENDSHIP FACTS
Before launching deeper into this topic, there are three friendship facts we must first understand and accept.
Fact 1: Friendships have many different levels. There are friends we see occasionally, and then there are soul-mates with whom we share everything. There is a place for both in our lives.
Fact 2: Friendships may change with the seasons of life. We are naturally drawn to people who face the same problems and share the same dreams.
Fact 3: We all need friends. Friendship is part of God’s plan for our lives.
Definitions Of Friendship:
A friend is somebody who: (a) keeps your secrets and never divulges them even if tortured, or worse – is tempted with chocolate! (b) quietly destroys the photograph that makes you look like a beached whale (c) knows when you don’t know what you’re talking about, but smiles supportively and allows you to reach that conclusion on your own (d) goes with you on a diet – and off it too! (e) doesn’t say, ’I told you so,’ no matter how tempting it might be (f) is kind and true to you at all times. In some ways, friendship is illogical.
"It’s based on what it GIVES, not what it gets." [Audience Participation]
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have
forgotten the words." -unknown
Richard Exley (minister & author) says, ’A true friend is one who hears and understands when you share your deepest feelings. He supports you when you are struggling; corrects you gently and with love when you go astray; forgives you when you fail; prods you to personal growth and stretches you to your full potential. And most amazing of all, he celebrates your successes as if they were his own.’
Ruth & Naomi – Beautiful Portrait of Friendship
One of most beautiful portraits of friendship is found in the book of RUTH. It is the story of Naomi, a godly woman, a wife, and the mother of two married sons. Naomi’s husband and sons died leaving Naomi and her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah, alone. Because they had neither food nor money and no certainty of what the future might hold, Naomi chose to return to Bethlehem, her homeland. On the way, Naomi suddenly stopped to tell Ruth and Orpah that they should return to their homes in Moab because there they would have the chance to marry again. Both Ruth and Orpah protested, but Naomi was insistent. Finally, Orpah gave in and returned home, but Ruth would not leave Naomi, her mother-in-law and friend. Noami was amazed at the loyalty Ruth offered, and together they made the trip to Bethlehem.
Interestingly, it was there that Ruth met and married Boaz. They had a son named Obed, who later became the grandfather of King David. Ruth, a gentile from Moab, became part of the family line of Jesus. Why? Because Ruth was loyal! Because Ruth was a friend! Wouldn’t you like to have a friend like that? Wouldn’t you like to be a friend like that?
FELLOWSHIP @ THE NEIGHBOURHOOD BAR
Research that shows the more friendships a person has in a congregation, the less likely they are to become inactive or leave. I once read about a survey of 400 church drop-outs who were asked why they left their churches. Over 75% of the respondents said, “I didn’t feel anyone cared whether I was there or not.”
These are shocking results, especially as church should be one of the most caring places in the world!
The neighbourhood bar is possibly the best counterfeit there is to the fellowship Christ wants to give His church. It’s an imitation, dispensing alcohol instead of grace, escape rather than reality, but it is a Permissive, Accepting, and Inclusive fellowship. It is Unshockable. It is democratic. You can tell people secrets and they usually don’t tell others or even want to. The bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know & be known, to love & be loved & so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers.
With all my heart, I believe that Christ wants His church to be ....a fellowship where people can come in and say, "I’m sunk!" "I’m beat!" "I’ve had it!"
RELATIONSHIPS: HELPS RETAINS NUMBERS & ATTRACTS GROWTH!
The importance of helping members develop friendships within your church cannot be overemphasised. Rick Warren quotes
‘Relationships = the GLUE that holds churches together’
So if you want to know a practical way you can help your church grow & retain it’s numbers: start investing in building relationships with those in your fellowship!
Don’t Be A Porcupine! What do I mean by that??
Unlike creatures who travel in packs, porcupines travel solo. When they encounter other animals they respond by withdrawing, or using their quills to attack. Once their deadly quills become embedded the wounds fester, causing suffering, even death. Now porcupines do not necessarily want to be alone, they just do not know how to get close without hurting others or themselves.
Sound familiar? If so it is not surprising, because as human beings we employ attack and withdrawal strategies every day. We each have our own set of quills; things like gossip, anger, pride, competitiveness, insensitivity, greed and control, to name just a few. By aiming them at others, we damage relationships, hurt people and end up lonely. Now, while it is not always easy, porcupines want to be able to get along together if only to ensure future generations. Their only other option is extinction.
The same goes for us too! We have all some time been hurt in friendships and also been involved in hurting others. But this shouldn’t deter us from reaching out to connect with others. Many people are lonely simply because they refuse to take the risk of reaching out to others. Without RISK there can be no FRIENDSHIP or no LOVE.
Every relationship must contain the element of risk if it’s to grow & mature, reaching it’s full potential.
That is why Paul writes: ’Live in harmony with each other. Don’t try to act important ...enjoy the company of ordinary people’ (Romans 12:16 NLT). It matters to God how you get along with your family, your neighbours and your co-workers. The Bible says: ’Give more honour to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others’ (Philippians 2:3-4 NCV). James writes: ’Do the hard work of getting along with each other.(3:18 MSG)’ Come on, you have to work at it! Pull in your quills today and ask God to help you build loving relationships with the other porcupines who share your space!
Be Ware of Toxic Relationships
Your DEVELOPEMENT, and in some cases your HEALING, can only take place when you walk with the right people! Remember the story of the scorpion that asked a frog to carry him across the river because he could not swim? ’How do I know you will not sting me?’ the frog asked. ’If I do, we’ll both drown,’ he replied. So the scorpion hopped on. Half way across the river the scorpion stung him. As they were drowning the frog said, ’You promised you wouldn’t. Why did you sting me?’ The scorpion replied, ’I cannot help it, it’s my nature to sting.’
Learn to recognise toxic relationships and walk away from them before they take you down with them. A toxic relationship is like a body part with gangrene; if you do not amputate, the infection will spread. Unless you have the courage to cut off what will not heal, you will end up losing much more.
You cannot partner successfully with someone who does not share your goals. When you feel passionately about something but they do not, it is like trying to dance the fox trot with someone who only wants to waltz. You picked the wrong dance partner. Do not get tied up with someone who does not share your God-given purpose. Some issues can be corrected through teaching and leadership, but you cannot teach somebody to care. And if they do not care, they will infect your environment, ruin your productivity & break your rhythm with constant complaints. So ASK GOD, ’Who belongs in my life?’
Ask God to give you discernment to know if relationships that come your way will be bad or beneficial. The Bible teaches that ‘Bad company corrupts.’ & also that ‘he who hangs around with the wise, will himself become wise.’
HOW MANY OF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS?
I’m gonna give you some PRACTICAL STEPS that if applied will cause you to EXPERIENCE AWESOME FRIENDSHIPS!
7 STEPS FOR BUILDING GREAT RELATIONSHIPS
1.) Take genuine interest in other people! Dale Carnegie a well known life coach says ‘You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.’ Which is just another way of saying that the way to make friends is to first BE ONE!
A gossip talks to you about other people. A bore talks to you about themselves. A BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONALIST TALKS TO YOU ABOUT YOURSELF.
William Lyon Mackenzie King, 1874-1950, Canadian Prime Minister
2) Don’t carry emotional baggage. If someone has hurt you and you need to address it, do so right away – don’t allow offence to take root & rob you of a blessing. Forgive them, resolve it & get beyond it. If it is not worth bringing up, forget it and move on. Your PAST doesn’t = Your FURURE!!
3) Invest in your most valuable relationships. Do not give away your time on a first-come-first-served basis. Do not let the squeaky wheels take so much that you have nothing left for those who matter most. " Friends are the roses of life. Pick them carefully and avoid the thorns."
Jesus was known as ‘the friend of sinners’ yet he invested most of his time being with & nurturing the 12 disciples. He lived among them, sharing every part of their lives. He ate with them, prayed with them, ministered with them, cried with them & laughed with them.
"I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father." (John 15:15, TEV)
4) Constantly express your appreciation in your WORDS & ACTIONS.
TELL your loved ones how much you love & appreciate them - and do it often! Too many of us think that the best way to help people is to criticise them or give them ’the benefit of our wisdom.’ Wrong! The best way to help others is to see the best in them. Practice the 101 percent principle: look for one thing to admire, then give them 100 percent encouragement for it. A true friend trains his heart and mind to pass over faults in search of strong points. Choose to be a cheerleader for your friends and draw their strong qualities of friends into the spotlight. That will help you to like them, and them to like you.
Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our ACTIONS." (1 John 3:18, NLT) Words can often be cheap but actions are expensive! The best friendships are created by layers of both kind WORDS & kind ACTIONS.
It may be a weekly lunch date, annual shopping trip, or dinner and a movie once a month. The best friendships are rich with memories accumulated over time.
It may mean a gift which is a symbol of time & energy spent for a friend.
It is not the cost or size of the gift, but the thought behind it that says, "She thought of me." It is a tangible reminder of relationship. Notes, funny cards, a favorite snack or magazine, phone calls for no reason, favors done back and forth are all tiny statements of love.
5) Establish a Hallmark of Honesty & Trademark of Truthfulness in your Relationships
For any relationship to be REPRODUCTIVE it’s essential that both involved are HONEST & OPEN with each other. Where there is TRUE, GENUINE COMPANIONSHIP - friends can admit faults, failures & short comings without fear of being pushed away. The bottom line is that ‘if people don’t love you for who you truly are, then they’re not worth knowing. When you choose to be 110% TRUTHFUL this creates a FIRM FOUNDATION for FRUITFUL FRIENDSHIPS.
Elbert Hubbard said ‘A friend is someone who knows all about you - - and still likes you!
6) Be a Good Listener. By definition, listening means "attention, with the intention to understand." James says we should be "quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19, NIV). Talking is sharing but listening is caring. Take a tip from creation. Ears aren’t made to shut but the mouth is. Put away your sermon, save your advice and just listen. Sometimes the best gift a friend can offer is a listening ear.
A number of years ago the following ad was placed in a newspaper: “I will listen to you talk for 30 minutes without a comment for £3.00.” Sounds like a scam, doesn’t it? It wasn’t & the person placing the ad received 10-20 calls a day! (£60 on a good day for just listening!)
7.) Demonstrate LOYALTY
Ruth was loyal to Naomi. God honored that loyalty and used it to attract her future husband, Boaz.
Summary of Key Points:
- Friends are REAFFIRMING, INCLUSIVE & LOVING (remember the story of the boy with cancer)
- A Beautiful Portrait of Friendship in Bible (Ruth & Naomi)
- Loneliness is a Worldwide Problem that we as the church need to address
- Relationships = The Glue That Holds Churches Together (Friendship is Help Retain Numbers & Attract Growth!)
- Don’t Be Porcupine - Many people are lonely simply because they refuse to take the risk of reaching out to others. Without RISK there can be no FRIENDSHIP or no LOVE.
- Ask God to Help You Discern Right & Wrong Relationships – Be Ware of Toxic Relationships
- 7 Steps to Building Great Relationships – (1) Take Genuine Interest In Others, (2) Don’t Carry Emotional Baggage, (3) Invest In Your Most Valuable Relationships, (4) Constantly Express Appreciation in Words & Actions, (5) Establish A Hallmark of Honesty & Truthfulness, (6) Be A Good Listener, (7) Demonstrate Loyalty.
Challenge:
We all need friends. Friendship is part of God’s plan for our lives.
In order to have friends we must first BE one! Elbert Hubbard
Remember, “... a man who has friends must himself be friendly...” (Proverbs 18:24)
The words of Jesus, found in John 13:34-35 (LB), portray the perfect backdrop for God’s love: "And so I am giving a new commandment to you now -- love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples." Does the world know we are his disciples by the way we love and relate to each other?
Q.) What kind of a friend are you? Are you the kind of friend we’ve spoke about today?
‘Friends love through all kinds of weather’ Proverbs 17v17 “... a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity....” In other words, a true friend, a real brother loves regardless of the circumstances or cost, one who’s walking in when everyone else is walking out! And that takes the kind of love Jesus has, the kind of love Jesus can give you to give someone else.
Tonight I want to challenge you to begin to REACH OUT today & start applying the 7 Steps to Building Great relationships & get ready to experience God’s blessing in your FRIENDSHIPS like never before!
THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP OF ALL: OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!
You may feel like you don’t have a friend in the world today…but I’ve got Good News for you! Jesus is the GREATEST FRIEND anyone could ever have & He desires to become FRIENDS with YOU!
He is the PERFECT FRIEND who will never let you down, even when you mess up. He LOVES you so much that he went to the cross to die for you so that you may have eternal life with him in heaven. If you don’t know him today I want to encourage you to REACH OUT to God today & ask Him to come into your life. John 3v16
Perhaps if you’re here today & you feel that your relationship with God has grown distant I want to encourage you to recommit your life afresh today. The Bible says in James 4v8 “Draw near to God & He will draw near to you.” As you do your part in coming to Him, He will do His part in meeting you where you’re at.
OPTIONAL ADDITIONS?
’Some friends play at friendship, but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.’ Proverbs 18:24
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." Ecclesiastes 4v9
’Friendship isn’t a big thing; it is a million little things.’ C.S.Lewis
