Keeping Faith When Friends Fail You
Job 1-37
Rev. Brian Bill
3/2/08
After speaking with someone this week who is suffering severely, I received this email: “These last four weeks have been some of the most difficult that I have ever faced. There have been points of agony, doubt, despair, and grief. There have been times when I have not known how to pray--times when the thought of facing another day was nearly unbearable. There have been minutes that have felt as if they were hours--times when I could do nothing but cry. I have never been in such a lonely place that I had to pray for the strength to get through the next five minutes.”
I talked to someone else this week who said that her struggles seem “to be endless.” Another person expressed her pain this way: “This is nothing I ever expected.”
This morning we’re continuing in our Old Testament Journey as we jump into the Book of Job. He certainly experienced unexpected agony and endless pain, just like many of you. Today we’ll focus on what to do when our friends fail us and next week we’ll tackle some common concerns related to suffering as we look at “God’s Answers to our Questions.”
Since this series is intended to be a survey, I’m just going to hit some highlights from Job. I hope you read it for yourself this week, and if you’re in a small group that you’ll flesh it out with some other Christ-followers. Job’s journey is personal and raw; it’s also universal and relevant for today. James 5:11 holds up Job as an example to all of us: “As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.”
1. Job’s Character. Look at Job 1:1 to see how people viewed who Job was: “…This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.” This is also God’s estimation of Job in 1:8 and again in 2:3. He’s referred to as “the greatest man among all the people of the East” in 1:3. This aspect is important to remember for his character is about to be questioned by his so-called friends.
2. Job’s Conduct. In verses 4-5, we see that Job took his role as father and shepherd of his family very seriously. When his ten children would have feasts, he would make sure they were purified by offering sacrifices for them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was his regular custom.
3. Job’s Calamities. In chapter one, God allows Satan to take Job’s possessions and his progeny from him. He loses all his animals and then all ten children.
4. Job’s Commitment. After losing his possessions and the people dearest to him, verses 20-21 tell us that he “got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’” Notice that he didn’t need music to worship or for things to be just right in his life. In fact, he praised the Lord in the midst of his problems. Likewise, you and I can worship when we’re wounded or when we don’t like a certain song.
I received another email this week from someone who has been attending here since this summer: “I don’t know if you have your sermon completed already or not for Sunday but I am really hoping that you touch on Job 6:10. This is the passage that is my life: ‘At least I can take comfort in this, despite the pain I have not denied the words of the Holy One.’ I am daily inspired by the book of Job. He had so much suffering but he chose to say God gives and takes away but still I will praise Him.”
In addition to worshipping, verse 22 mentions that he did not charge God with wrongdoing. In chapter two, Job loses his health as he is afflicted with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. The Hebrew word is similar to the plagues in Egypt and leprosy in the law. The only comfort he had was to pick up a broken plate and scrape off the oozing scabs as he sat on a heap of ashes. Then his wife, filled with pain herself, encourages Job to curse God so he could die. Job responds in verse 10: “…Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” Through all of this he kept a lock on his lips and “did not sin in what he said.”
5. Job’s Comforters. In verses 11-13, we learn that three friends come to comfort Job. They do a number of things right – at least at the beginning. Let’s take a look at some lessons we can learn to help us help others when they’re going through tough times.
* Hear the hurting. Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar “heard about all the troubles that had come upon him.” The first step for us is to actually listen when someone is speaking so that we pick up on their problems. When you hear that another person is in pain, write it down so you can follow-up.
* Sacrifice your schedule. The next thing they do is “to set out from their homes.” If we’re going to care for the hurting, we’re going to have to sacrifice our schedule. If we wait to care until it’s convenient, it will never happen.
* Partner with people. Catch what happens next – they “met together by agreement.” It’s always a good idea to take someone with you when you hear of a need.
* Go with grace. Their goal was to go “and sympathize with him.” This is the word “nud” in Hebrew, which means to rock back and forth. When people go through tremendous pain they often rock themselves back and forth – we’re to join them in that.
* Come with comfort. This is a similar idea and carries with it the idea of coming alongside.
* Expect a change in appearance. When people grieve they often look different, sickness may cause other changes, and they may say shocking things as well. Look at verse 12: “When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him…”
* Exhibit your emotions. When they saw Job in his distress they started to cry: “they began to weep aloud.” Don’t be afraid to express your emotions. Romans 12:15 says, “Mourn with those who mourn.” One author writes: “We can forget those with whom we have laughed, but we can never forget those with whom we’ve cried.”
* Respond with rituals. After weeping aloud, they “tore their robes.” That was a cultural way of demonstrating that they were all tore up on the inside as Joel 2:13 says: “Rend your heart and not your garments.” I’m not quite sure what that looks like today but it probably involves doing something tangible like cleaning the house, bringing a meal, etc. If you’d like to serve on a team that brings meals, please contact the church office.
* Honor with humility. In that culture pouring dust on the head was a sign of humility: “and sprinkled dust on their heads.” This carries with it the idea of looking for ways to enter into someone’s pain.
* Sit with the sufferer. Look at the first part of verse 13: “Then they sat on the ground with him…” It’s important to get on the person’s level and get as close as possible. I know of a chaplain who has actually lain down next to a person who was dying because the individual was cold. That’s amazing to me.
* Take the time needed. These three friends were in no hurry to leave. Amazingly, they were there for “seven days and seven nights.” This is called “sitting sheva,” which means “sitting sevens” and has become part of Jewish life. We see this in Genesis 50:10 when “Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father.” While we shouldn’t overstay our welcome, it’s important to spend time with people when they’re in pain.
* Be silent in the face of suffering. Sometimes silence is the best response we can have. Look at the last part of verse 13: “No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” I’ll never forget a hospital visit from a deacon in our church in Rockford after Becca was born. She had stopped breathing several times and I was afraid. As I was pacing around the waiting room, Jay Forsyth showed up and gave me a big hug. He then sat next to me and didn’t say a word. It meant the world to me.
I guess we could summarize these caregiver guidelines this way: Show up and shut up. Don’t stay away and when you come, silence may be better than speech. Incidentally, if you can’t visit, a phone call, email, or a note in the mail is the next best thing. Henri Nouwen, in his book “Out of Solitude,” writes: “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.” We may have some insight, but we don’t have all the answers.
Paul Welter adds that “a response no longer than 12 seconds is usually an effective length in a helping situation. A consistent response length of over 20-30 seconds presents a major problem. What we’re really communicating is, ‘I want to talk TO you rather than talk WITH you.’”
Now if Job’s friends would have just stayed silent, things would have been OK. In chapter three, Job expresses his pent-up emotions and while he doesn’t curse God, he does curse the day of his birth: “May the day of my birth perish…” and then ends the chapter with this raw display of his inner feelings: “I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
After Job opens up, his three friends lock and load, as they take turns tormenting him. Behind their strong words is a rigid theology that goes something like this: Good people are blessed and bad people are blasted. Since Job is going through bad stuff he must have done something bad. This could be called “Linear Rewards and Retributions.” If “B” is happening, then it must be because of “A.” If I’m blessed, then it must be because I’m doing something right. If I’m suffering, then I must be doing something wrong. Theses fatal friends somehow feel it is their job to get Job to confess what he’s done wrong. Let me be quick to add that this kind of thinking is still prevalent and equally dangerous today.
John Ortberg writes: “The doctrine of retribution inevitably turns God into a means for pursuing good circumstances—the blessed life. Pretty soon we are not trying to pursue God. Rather, we are trying to use God. When Christians buy into this system of belief, they become smug, self-righteous, and judgmental when things are going well. When things are going badly, they fall into despair.”
How Not to Comfort
For the next twenty nine chapters these three friends gang up on Job as they speak some strong words in an attempt to explain what was happening. Using elaborate and elegant theologies, these tormentors accuse Job of being the instrument of his own disaster.
* Eliphaz is insulting and arrogant, arguing that the innocent don’t suffer in 4:7: “Who, being innocent, has ever perished?” On top of that, he claims to have special religious revelation in 4:12: “A word was secretly brought to me; my ears caught a whisper of it.”
* Bildad is heartless in 8:4, stating that Job’s children died because of their sin: “When your children sinned against him, he gave them over to the penalty of their sin.”
* Zophar becomes angry and asks in 11:3: “Will no one rebuke you when you mock?” He then is quick to pontificate and strongly states that Job’s suffering is linked to his personal sin.
These friends were sincere but extremely insensitive. Joe Bayly lost three children in a series of tragedies. In his book, “The Last Thing We Talk About,” he relates that one friend visited him in the funeral home and talked and talked about God’s grace and how God would get him through it. He knew all these things were true, but he couldn’t wait for his friend to leave. Another friend came and just sat with him quietly, not saying much, not trying to explain. He was just there if he needed him. Bayly says, “I hated to see him go.” Job’s reaction to these friends is quite strong. Listen to what he says:
6:14: “A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.”
12:3-5: “But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you…Men at ease have contempt for misfortune as the fate of those whose feet are slipping.”
13:2, 4: “What you know I also know; I am not inferior to you…you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be silent altogether…your maxims are proverbs of ashes.”
Our maxims and cute sayings are not only empty, they can be excruciating. Friends, let’s resist trying to “package people’s pain.” Let’s cut out the clichés and jettison the jargon:
“I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Plus, this shifts attention to you, not them.
“God will give you another child.” This is insensitive.
“God must have needed him in heaven.” This feels empty.
“God told me that he’ll heal you.” Really?
“Time heals all wounds.” Not always.
“God must be trying to teach you something.” This is patronizing and arrogant.
“If you do what I did then you’ll be better.” Who made you the expert?
“My aunt Mildred had the same problem…” Every situation is different.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how helpful are these sayings? “0”
Job opens up in 16:1-5 and goes off on his buddies: “Then Job replied: ‘I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all! Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.”
* It’s easy to pontificate when others have problems.
* It’s easy to forget the importance of timing in our crusade for truth.
* It’s easy to give explanations instead of encouragement.
A Friend Who Tries
There’s actually a fourth friend who has been listening all along and then speaks in chapters 32-37. He too is angry with Job but we see that he is also respectful. He’s younger than Job and so was hesitant to share his thoughts. We see this in 32:6: “I am young in years, and you are old; that is why I was fearful, not daring to tell you what I know.” At the same time, those who are younger have insight as stated in verse 9: “It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right.”
Elihu is wordy and brutal but there are elements of what he says that are true, especially when He talks theology in chapters 36-37 where he affirms that God is mighty and merciful and supremely sovereign. He introduces the idea that God teaches us through our pain. He however makes the same mistake as the first three when he incorrectly assumes that Job was lying about his innocence.
God’s View of the Friends
We need to be careful about our conversations because God is listening to everything we say. While we may think we just “have to” say something to someone when they’re suffering, knowing that we’re accountable to God should help us keep a muffler on our mouths. Turn to 42:7 where we read about God’s assessment of this trio of tormentors: “After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.’”
It’s interesting to note that God is not angry with the fourth friend, Elihu. It’s probably because for the most part, his theology was right on and he was respectful to Job. It’s kind of funny what happens next. These three friends are told to go and make some sacrifices and then seek out Job so he could intercede for them. I can’t imagine how this would have made them feel. Look at verse 8: “My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”
I think God was also teaching Job something here in the spirit of Luke 6:27: “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” As much as his friends had tormented him and hurt him, he needed to forgive them. Some of you are holding on to some wrongs that have been done to you and it is eating you up on the inside. We know that Job experienced bitterness according to 27:2: “…the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul.” It’s time to break the bondage of bitterness.
Are you blinded by any bitterness in your life today? Do you have any unresolved anger toward your spouse, your kids, your parents, your boss, or a friend? The Bible makes clear that we must do whatever it takes to not let a root of bitterness grow in the soil of our souls: “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). When bitterness is allowed to breed, it will always lead to an offspring of antagonism that hurts those around you while destroying yourself in the process. Actually, it hurts you more than anyone else. It’s like swallowing a bottle of poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
We don’t have time to flesh out all that happens next but suffice it to say that Job is blessed at the end of the book only after he lets go of bitterness. Look at verse 10: “After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.”
Job’s Need for a Faithful Friend
In 1947, Jackie Robinson appeared in a Dodgers uniform, breaking baseball’s infamous “color line.” He endured incredible opposition from both fans and players, some who even tried to injure him so he’d stop playing. During their first road trip, several fans started heckling Robinson. Seeing what was happening Henry “Pee Wee” Reese, the captain of the team, came over to Robinson during pre-game infield practice and put his hand on his shoulder and looked out at the crowd. After a few minutes everyone was silenced. Robinson recalled this event: “Pee Wee kind of sensed the sort of hopeless, dead feeling in me and came over and stood beside me for awhile. He didn’t say a word but he looked over at the chaps who were yelling at me and just stared…the hecklers ceased their attack and I will never forget it.”
How could Job exhibit such grace and mercy to those who had tormented him? How could he pray for those who had persecuted him? The answer is found popping out in various places in the book. In the midst of dialogue we see Job fighting superficial theology by holding on to a Faithful Friend who was standing by his side. This friend goes by five different names.
1. My Arbitrator. 9:33: “If only there were someone to arbitrate between us…” This is the word for “umpire.” Job desperately wanted someone to decide things, one who could be a go-between. Jesus fulfills this as seen in 1 Timothy 2:5: “For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.”
2. My Hope. 13:15: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him…”
3. My Advocate. 16:19: “Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high.” Job knew that he had someone to speak on his behalf.
4. My Intercessor. 16:20: “My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God.” Referring to Jesus, Hebrews 7:25 says: “Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.”
5. My Redeemer. 19:25-26: “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God.” Job is certain – there is a Savior. His relationship is personal – my Redeemer. And this relationship will never end – my Redeemer lives.
And because Jesus came to earth to die in our place to buy us back from the marketplace of sin, we can know Him as our Arbitrator, our Hope, our Advocate, our Intercessor and our Redeemer as well.
