How to Bless Your Kids
Matthew 19:13-15
February 10, 2008
NOTE: THE ME/WE/GOD/YOU/WE FORMAT USED IN MY MESSAGES IS BORROWED FROM ANDY STANLEY’S BOOK, "COMMUNICATING FOR A CHANGE."
Me: I’ve mentioned in the past how much my father’s acceptance means to me. Even though I’m in my 40’s with children of my own, and been out of the home for longer than I was in it, I’m still wanting to know that my dad thinks well of me.
Obviously, this was even more important as I was growing up, and particularly after my parents split up.
We: Whether we want to admit it or not, all of us long for acceptance from our loved ones – and especially our parents.
When we don’t get it – for whatever reason, then we go through life missing something beautiful, and it impacts us the rest of our lives.
Likewise, when we get that genuine acceptance, it impacts us as well – in ways that allows us to impart a blessing on our kids as well.
We all want to know that we are loved and cherished by those we love. That’s part of how we’re wired as human beings.
Gaining a blessing from our loved ones, and especially our parents, can go a long way to helping us as we go along in life because it can help shape the way we see ourselves and God’s plan for us.
Having such a blessing from our loved ones is great, but not everyone gets one of those, and chances are that very few of the adults here have been given one like we’re going to look at today.
But whether you have ever been given such a blessing or not, you can most certainly give one to someone else.
And if you are a parent or grandparent, you have an opportunity to speak something into your child or grandchild’s life that can have a life-long impact.
I want you to be able to give a blessing to your children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or any child that you come into contact with.
God: The basis of our time today is Matthew 19:13-15 (p.696) –
13 Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. 14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 15 When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.
The reason I’m using this passage again here is because of what I said last week - When you are like Jesus to your kids, they’ll see Him and want Him for themselves.
In this passage we see Jesus welcoming children, not passing them off as nuisances or second-class citizens.
What I want to share with you today is a tool that anyone can use with their children, no matter their age.
I’m going to give you the five basic elements of the blessing. Each of these is important, and should be part of the blessing you bestow on someone.
For our purposes today, I’m not talking about just being a blessing to our kids – although that is something we’d obviously want to be for them.
I’m talking today about giving a blessing – a spoken blessing that includes a physical touch.
And while I’m specifically focusing on giving a blessing to your children, you can also use these to give a blessing to anyone else.
What I’m sharing with you for these next few minutes is taken from the book, The Blessing, by Gary Smalley and John Trent.
If you haven’t read this book, I can’t recommend it highly enough. You can get it from Anchors of Faith bookstore or rent it from the library.
I wish I had time to go into each of these in more detail, but I hope that you’ll catch enough here to go put them into practice. If not, please get the book so you can read more deeply about them, okay?
These five elements surround the ideas of personal attention, affection, and affirmation.
Five elements of the Blessing:
> Meaningful Touch.
I mentioned this a bit last week.
Our children like to be touched by us. A pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder, and of course, a hug.
You don’t have to be a touchy-feely kind of person to do any of that, but it can mean the world to a child who yearns for the acceptance of mom and dad.
A touch can often communicate things that words can’t. It can communicate pride and understanding. It can communicate our love, and it can say, “I’m right here – with you and for you.”
Folks, meaningful touch goes a long way to communicating love and acceptance to our kids. And if you want to impart a blessing to your kids, this is part of it.
The second element of the blessing is…
> A Spoken Message.
Listen to these words from the book:
In many homes today, words of love and acceptance are seldom heard. A tragic misconception parents in these homes share is that simply being present communicates the blessing. Nothing could be further from the truth. A blessing becomes so only when it is spoken.
I was a fan of The Carpenters back in the 70’s. They had some really cool songs, and I really enjoyed Karen Carpenter’s deep voice. Karen died of complications from anorexia just before her 33rd birthday.
The driving force behind her anorexia was an overwhelming desire to be accepted, especially by her family.
In a scene from a television movie made of her life, Karen is at a treatment facility, and the doctor is meeting with the family privately. He states that Karen needs to hear them tell her that they love her.
Karen’s mom responds by saying something like, “She knows we love her – we don’t need to actually tell her. We don’t do that in our family.”
But the doctor makes it very clear that they DID need to actually tell her.
Karen had gone her whole life up to that point without hearing the words, “I love you” from her family. Not from her parents or her brother or really anybody close to her.
My point here is this: don’t make the mistake of assuming that your kids know that you love and accept them and that you want them to be blessed.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that because you feed and clothe them and give them things, they know, because it’s not enough.
They need to hear it from you.
Be intentional and purposeful in telling your children of your love and acceptance, and of your desire that they be blessed by God.
And by the way, just not yelling at them or cutting them down in front of others isn’t enough, either, because even a lack of negative words doesn’t translate into a spoken blessing.
Purposeful words of affirmation and acceptance are necessary.
The third element of the blessing is the…
> Attaching “High Value” to the One Being Blessed.
This is basically telling your child that they are special to you. Not because of what they accomplish – but simply because they belong to you.
The book goes into some really great detail about using word pictures to tell your child how valuable and special they are to you, and we’re not going to get into all that.
But let me ask you: Do you regularly tell your child that you’re grateful to God for them? Do they hear you saying that your life is better because of them?
If not, then you need to start doing that. They need to know that they mean more to you than simply being a tax deduction.
When your child tries new things, whether it’s a sport, a musical instrument, debate, joining a club or organization, or trying to drive, be your kid’s biggest fan.
Cheer for them and let them know you’re there for them, whether they fail or succeed, you love them and cherish them.
Let’s look at the fourth element of the blessing, okay?
> Picturing a Special Future for the One Being Blessed.
This is basically affirming that God has wired your child for great things.
This isn’t trying to be a prophet and say, “Wow – you’re going to be a great doctor someday,” and then they turn out to be like me and can’t stand the sight of blood.
Listen to this short passage from the book:
Children begin to take steps down the positive pathway pictured for them when they hear words like these: “God has given you such a sensitive heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up helping a great many people when you grow older,” or, “You are such a good helper. When you grow up and marry someday, you’re going to be such a help to your wife (or husband) and family.”
The idea here is that you take what you see in the life of your child and state how you see God using that.
But it’s important to realize that if we focus on the negative and use that in our talk to our kids, it will have the same kind of effect – they’ll become a fulfillment of what we see in them.
For instance, if we tell our kids they’re no good, or ugly, or stupid, or whatever, then chances are huge that they’ll never be successful in any part of their lives, because they’re just living up to what mom and dad said they were.
Make sure you’re telling your kids that you believe that God has big things in store for them.
And that it’s true no matter what barriers may exist in that child’s life right now.
Here’s the fifth and final element of the blessing:
> An Active Commitment to Fulfill the Blessing.
Smalley and Trent call this “the mortar that holds (the other elements) together.”
It puts feet to our words and makes us responsible for doing all we can to make the blessing real.
There are two parts to this element:
- Commit the person being blessed to the Lord.
Basically this means that you are bringing God in on the deal. “May God bless you…May God give you strength and wisdom…May His provision be more than abundant for you…”
God will be there when we can’t be, and He will help us fulfill our part in being active to see the blessing come to fruition in their lives.
The second part of this element of making an active commitment to fulfill the blessing is to…
- Commit our lives to their best interests.
This includes not only making a commitment of time, energy, and resources, but also in getting to know just what those best interests are.
Each child is different, and has unique gifts, emotions, and desires for the future. And it’s up to you and me as parents to learn what those are and do what we can to help them fulfill God’s plan for that child.
Any of these five elements can be given at any time by themselves.
But in giving a special blessing to your child, all five of them need to be present.
You: I want to very quickly give you three steps you can take to give a blessing to your children.
1. Decide to intentionally pass on a blessing to each of your children.
Blessings are not done by default. They are given intentionally and on purpose.
You might not be able to pass on an inheritance to your children, but you can give them a blessing.
So decide that this is something that you will be able to give them.
2. Begin to write it out and edit it over time.
You don’t have to have it all figure out right now. Just start writing some things out on paper, and over time you can add or delete things, or modify them as you see God doing stuff in their lives.
3. Pray for an opportunity to give this blessing to your child in the presence of others.
It might be at their graduation, their baptism as a believer in Christ, their wedding, or some other occasion, or it might just be around the dinner table in the presence of the rest of the family.
It doesn’t have to be memorized. It can be read to them, or given to them so they can read it privately later, as long as you tell them what it is so others will know the idea behind the letter.
I want to speak to the dads for just a moment, okay?
I’m convinced that dads have more power than we know when it comes to showing our kids that they’re loved and accepted.
Every son wants his father’s acceptance and acknowledgment that he is important to him.
Every daughter wants her father’s assurance of his love and protection.
And when a father withholds these things, I believe we end up hurting our kids.
“Life’s tough, Pastor! I need to help them be tough so they don’t get taken advantage of by people!”
We don’t help them get tough by withholding our words and actions of love and acceptance.
We help them get tough by showing them that living for Christ is worth it even when the world says it’s foolish, because our Heavenly Father hasn’t abandoned them.
Dads – we don’t just have an important role to play in the lives of our children. We have a crucial and essential role.
If you don’t show them love and acceptance and desire to bless them, then I’ll guarantee you that someone else will. And it may not be who you would like to have that influence in their lives.
Cults, just as one example, thrive on people who have not received that personal attention, affection, and affirmation. They become that family for them, and they may end up paying for it by losing all ties with their natural family and by following teachings that will endanger their souls.
Dads, don’t pass on this. Take the responsibility seriously and do something for the benefit of each of your children by passing on a blessing to them.
And not just in words. Let them see it in how you act toward them, and especially in how you live for Christ in your day to day living.
We: I mentioned earlier that the blessing can be given to anyone, not just children.
So let me ask you: when was the last time you looked someone in the eye and gave them words and a touch that said, “I value you and believe God has His hand in your life?”
We’ve become a society where we’re trained to more quickly recognize the negative about someone else.
We’re quick to pick up those things we don’t like about someone and focus on those instead of seeing the seeds of greatness that God has planted in their lives.
So let me just encourage you to give a word to someone in this church family once in a while that lets them know you value them and that God does, too.
It doesn’t have to be fancy. Just something that they can take with them to make their day.
It will honor them. And it’ll honor God as well. Let’s pray.
