Being “Single-Minded”
Matthew 19:8-12
January 13, 2008
NOTE: THE ME/WE/GOD/YOU/WE FORMAT USED IN MY MESSAGES IS BORROWED FROM ANDY STANLEY’S BOOK, "COMMUNICATING FOR A CHANGE."
Me: When I entered college, one of the things that I figured would happen was that I would be married before I graduated.
And so, of course, I was on the hunt. There’s really no other way to put it. I dated girls I thought would make a good wife, and I had ideas of what that good wife was.
That idea matured over time, and something else that matured over time was my idea of myself as a good husband.
I was waaaaay over-estimating my own worth as a husband! I thought that I was just too cool to let get away, especially for all the Christian girls.
I was suave and debonair, and I could quote a ton of verses, I was leading people to Christ, leading Bible studies, was on the student leadership of a campus ministry. What was there not to like?
Just the fact that I was thinking too much of myself and not enough about God, that’s all.
God had to do some work in me before I was really ready to get married. And I’m so glad He did, because when I finally was ready, Debra came my way.
But there were times in my life when I wondered if I were going to be single all my life, or if God was calling me to be single, because even though I dated in college, I didn’t really find anyone I thought I could spend my life with, especially if God were to call me to ministry, which I knew was a possibility.
We: We live in a society that pressures people into all sorts of relationships. You need a boyfriend or girlfriend in order to be fulfilled, and ideally, you should be married, right?
Wasn’t that the plan for everybody – to get married and have children?
Well, plenty of people are feeling that pressure right now. Probably people you know.
And either because of the pressure they’re getting, or because of their own desires to settle down and get married, they wonder if maybe they’ve missed the boat regarding God’s plan for them.
Maybe you’re the one applying the pressure because you see someone you care for getting along in years and is lonely for marital companionship.
God: Well let me tell you, I believe Jesus has something for those who are wondering if being single is worth the hassles.
Our passage is in Matthew 19, if you’d like to turn there (p. 696). We looked at the first 9 verses of this chapter last week as we talked about Jesus’ view that marriage is a bond formed by God, designed by Him, and rooted in creation itself. And therefore, a marriage isn’t supposed to be viewed as disposable.
Easy divorce was a problem in Jesus’ time, just like it is today. Another indication that the Bible is relevant today just as it was in Jesus’ day.
Let’s begin reading. The basis of the message is found in verses 10-12, but I want to start back in verse 8, to get some context.
Matthew 19:8-12 –
8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." 10 The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." 11 Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
The disciples, in verse 10, are possibly a bit cynical here.
They realize that Jesus isn’t giving anyone a free pass to an easy divorce, meaning that some people will need to gut it out in a marriage that isn’t all they’d hoped for.
And so they say, maybe with a bit of a sneer, “Well, maybe it’s just better to not get married at all, huh, Jesus?”
But Jesus doesn’t react to their cynicism and says, “That’s right, guys. For some, it is better to remain single.”
But before we get too far into the idea of being single, I want to visit with you just a bit about verse 12 –
For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
A eunuch was someone who could not reproduce because they were physically unable to do so.
For some, it was because they were born that way – their bodies were formed in such a way that the appropriate biological pieces didn’t function so they could produce children.
Others became eunuchs by having themselves castrated, such as the Ethiopian eunuch in the book of Acts, or maybe through an accident or whatever.
The point is that they were unable to produce children because they were physically unable to do so.
Now be careful here – Jesus isn’t saying that in order to be single, you should become a physical eunuch.
In fact, the last part of verse 12 tells us the point – “others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven.”
And again, it’s important to note, especially in our current culture, that sexual activity was meant to be confined to marriage. So Jesus is equating sexual activity with marriage.
And therefore, celibacy is equated with singleness.
But here is what I think is the point of these verses, and I want you to hear it loud and clear:
Singleness is a special calling of God on the lives of some people for the sake of the kingdom.
Some people, especially some parents, think that singleness is something to be avoided at all costs for their child, especially if that child is an adult.
But that’s not what Jesus says.
The main reason that God calls some people to singleness is that they are more effective for the kingdom as singles than they would be married.
I love being married, and I wouldn’t trade my married life for the world. But the fact of the matter is that oftentimes my family commitments affect my work for the kingdom.
I have priorities that need to be taken care of at home. My family is my most important ministry, and I need to do all I can to put them at the top of the list.
A single person doesn’t have that distraction, if you will.
Again, I’m not saying that I would be better off single, because I love my family more than I can say, and I wasn’t called to singleness.
What I am saying is that there is no question that being married affects how we do our ministry.
Ask any pastor who entered the ministry single and then got married, and ask them if anything has changed.
They’ll tell you that it’s way different.
Listen to the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 –
32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
Singleness is not a curse – in fact, for many it’s a blessing because it allows them to work for the Kingdom unfettered by other distractions.
It’s crucial you understand that, whether you are single or married. The pressures people are under are bad enough, and they certainly don’t need the additional hassles of other Christians adding to the burden.
You: I confess that the words I’m about to utter, I utter with fear and trembling, because I don’t want to come across like I know everything about folks who are single, especially those who have been single for many years, either because of divorce, death, or have never been married.
I married relatively early in life – I was 23. And so I don’t pretend to understand the emotional struggle that many single people have, especially if they have been single for many years of their adult life.
Whenever I think of speaking about things in which I have little actual experience, I think of a young single pastor I knew who was telling me about a message series he did on marriage and how he had them on the edge of their seats.
And I’m listening to this guy and thinking, “They’re on the edge of their seats because they’re this close to lynching you for thinking you know what you’re talking about!”
So please don’t feel that this married guy has it all figured out, okay?
But I do want to offer what I think are some practical suggestions for those who are single, whether God has called you to be single for just a while or for a lifetime:
1. Push off the pressure to feel you have
to marry in order to be fulfilled or because people simply expect it.
Feel free to tell people that at it’s just possible that God is calling you to a life of singleness for the sake of the kingdom.
If you feel that that’s what God is calling you to, then you’re acting in obedience to Him, and that is more important than fulfilling other’s expectations for you.
Now again, I don’t say this lightly. The pressure may be coming from a parent, a relative, a friend, or from yourself as you see those around you entering into marriage.
Please understand that the pressure isn’t coming from God. And to me, that’s what I want you to take from this.
God isn’t up there going, “When is this person going to get the message? How many people do I need to send into their life before they get a clue?”
Deb’s brother, Doug, married his wife, Marla, when he was 32 and she was 34.
She was telling me the other day that people were all over her to get married. She got to the point where she hated going to parties because someone there would always want to introduce her to some guy they thought would be perfect for her.
It didn’t matter that some of them didn’t love Christ, or that maybe she didn’t want to entered married life with step-children, or that the person just didn’t fit in with her idea of a mate.
They just thought that she was getting along in years and they wanted to do something about it! But she was waiting on God, and she said that there are advantages to being single.
For instance, you can be much more spontaneous, you have more freedom and flexibility, and you can have more time away and alone. You can travel.
And as stated in the passage, your singleness can serve the kingdom, because you have fewer distractions.
Feel free to let the pressure drop, so that you can take the second suggestion I want to give you…
2. Focus more on the Kingdom than on
marriage.
Easy to say, I know. Believe me, I know.
But again, the point of the passage we’re looking at today, and that’s reinforced in Paul’s writings is that singleness frees you up to focus on the work God has for you in Christ.
Some are called to singleness for a season. It may be a long season, but it’s very possible that you may not get married until you are along in years quite a bit.
In the meantime, you are freed up to love Christ and to live and serve Him unfettered by other responsibilities.
That’s not to say you won’t be lonely at times. Singles have told me of the loneliness they feel, and it can be overwhelming.
And you won’t hear me saying that you should just deal with it and focus on God. That’s too simplistic.
I’m afraid I don’t have any easy answers for you in dealing with the loneliness, other than to find others with whom you can specifically relate to and work with for the Kingdom, and pray for each other.
So rather than just offer empty platitudes, I’ll move onto the third suggestion I have for singles, and that is to…
3. Set your standards high for a possible
mate.
Some still feel that was Debra’s big mistake…
Again, some are single for a season, not for a lifetime. But you never know what God may do, and you may find that God brings someone into your life much later than you had originally thought.
There are some things that you need to keep in mind for a prospective mate, and that goes for everyone, not just those who are single for a season.
For instance, if you are a follower of Jesus, the Bible says that you are to marry another follower of Jesus.
And I would say that it should go farther than that – I think it should be someone who lives for Jesus in everything they say and do.
If you don’t find someone that meets the standards, that’s fine!
> And for those of you who have someone you’ve been nudging to get with the program, I’ve got something to say to you: lay off!
There is no sin in singleness! Take the pressure off the person and let them be who they were meant to be in Christ.
I mentioned Marla earlier. She told me that one of the things people would say to her as she continued in her life of singleness was, “What’s wrong with you?”
NOTHING was wrong with her! She was waiting for God to bring someone into her life that would make for a God-honoring marriage, and she was content to live as a single the rest of her life if that was what God wanted for her.
Can you imagine how hurtful it is to a single person to hear, “What’s wrong with you?” even from the most sincere person?
Marla’s husband, my brother-in-law, is a man of God who loves and cherishes his wife like few men I know, and he’ll tell you that he is blessed because he waited for her to come into his life.
If you’re pressuring someone into getting married, you need to repent! I’m serious!
Did you know that there is no command in Scripture to try and marry off your kid or nephew or niece or grandchild or friend?
In fact, the Scripture condemns meddling in the affairs of others when no sin is being committed.
So lay off!
We: The church is described as Christ’s bride. Marriage is meant to be a model of the love that Christ has for the church.
Sometimes I wonder if we in the church forget that while marriage is a blessed union instituted of God, so is singleness for those who have been called to it.
And I so I would like to suggest that we become all the more intentional about welcoming everyone, whether they are married or single, and that we encourage them in whatever state they are in – even Iowa…
Our job isn’t to get people married off. Our job is to help people love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. And if that means remaining single, then God bless them for it.
And may God show Himself mighty in their lives and work for Him.
Let’s pray.
