Intro> This Thursday is Valentine’s Day (that’s a hint, guys...you might want to be making some plans).
<>So today I want us to look at the Biblical instructions, the Biblical model, and gain a Biblical understanding of marriage, how we can succeed in our marriages, and how we can be the husbands and wives God wants us to be...right now if we’re married, and some day if we’re presently single.
There are lots of illustrations and quotes on this topic, of course, but my favorites are these:
--Quote: My favorite philosopher, Anonymous, once said, “Many girls marry men just like their fathers, which may explain why many mothers cry at weddings.”
--Quote: Agatha Christie, famous mystery novel writer, when explaining why she married an architect, said: “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older I get, the more interested in me he becomes.
--ILL>Then I’m reminded of the story of two men who were talking together one morning. The first, holding up a puppy, said, “I got this poodle for my wife.” “Wow!,” the other man said, “I sure wish I could trade mine in for something like that!”
--ILL>Then there was the subway commuter who told his seat-mate: “Actually, my mother-in-law and I have a lot in common. We both wish my wife had married someone else.”
--ILL>And Valerie Runyan tells the story... “After our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch, with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. Then I told him, sweetly, ‘You know, honey, without your glasses you look like the handsome man I married.’ He replied with a grin: ‘Honey, without my glasses you still look pretty good too!”
--POEM: Finally, Ogden Nash advises us in his special way: “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it, whenever you’re right shut up!”
I invite you to open a Bible and turn again to Ephesians, chapter five.
While you’re turning, let me offer this advice to the guys as to what to buy for your special honey this week....
ILL>Herb Forst suggests what NOT to buy your wife. He explains, “Recognizing that the only person a man usually shops for is his wife, the whole experience is stressful. As a veteran of these wars, I’m still not sure what to buy my wife, but I do pass along these suggestions of what NOT to buy her:"
--He then offers this advice:
--1) Don’t buy anything that plugs in. -- Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.
--2) Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. -- The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6,999 times. “Do I look like a size 16?,” she’ll say. Too small a size doesn’t cut it either. “I haven’t worn a size 8 in twenty years!”
--3) Avoid all things useful. -- The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.
--4) Don’t buy anything involving weight loss or self-improvement. -- She’ll perceive a six month membership to a diet center as a suggestion that she’s overweight.
--5) Don’t buy jewelry. -- The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can’t afford, she doesn’t want.
--6) Don’t buy her frilly underwear. -- Your idea of the kind your wife should wear and what she actually wears are light years apart.
--7) Don’t spend too much. -- “How do you think we’re going to afford that?,” she’ll ask.
--8) But don’t spend too little. -- “Is that all I’m worth to you?”
I wish you well, guys....happy shopping!
WELL, BEFORE WE EXAMINE THE BIBLICAL MODEL OF MARRIAGE, THERE ARE TWO TRUTHS WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND FIRST...
a) Marriage is a journey.
--When God created Eve, He used the world “help-mate” or “helper.” And the same idea could be said about Adam toward Eve also.
--The fact that a spouse is termed a “helper” declares to us that marriage is never and end in itself, but a preparation.
--It’s an on-going journey, a developing organism...and it was God’s idea, God’s plan.
b) Marriage is a partnership.
--QUOTE: Joe Murray said it well, “Marriage should be a duet...when one sings, the other claps.”
MOVING TO THE BIBLICAL MODEL, THERE ARE THREE PRIMARY CONCEPTS, FORMATIVE CHARACTERISTICS WE NEED TO KNOW:
1) THE PURPOSE(S) OF MARRIAGE -- God’s Design...
->Purpose #1: MATURATION and GROWTH.
--Eph.5:31 -- “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife.”
--1 Cor.13:11 -- “When I was a child I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”
--Quite simply, if you’re not ready to end your dependence on your parents, end parental oversight, parental authority over you, you’re not ready to be married.
--ILL>Larry Cunningham was visiting friends when they received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. The young couple was experiencing their first fight. After several tense minutes on the phone, the father rejoined the guests and tersely explained, “She said she wanted to come home.” The guests then asked him, “What did you tell her?” He replied, “I told her she WAS home.”
-<>Marriage is God’s purpose, His plan for beginning new families, and requires a new focus, a new direction in our lives.
--It entails new responsibilities, new risks, and a new chapter.
--It also requires that we come to an understanding and appreciation of how we need our spouse, we need a different point of view, a different perspective to be voiced on matters.
--ILL>I’m reminded of the husband who consoled his wife at their daughter’s wedding: “Honey, I know this is tough on you, but don’t think of it as losing a daughter; think of it as gaining a bathroom.”
->Purpose #2: INTIMACY.
--Eph.5:31 -- “...and shall cleave to his wife.”
--Cleaving is a picture of intimacy, an openly-admitted need for and commitment to one another.
--Cleaving is a picture of closeness, openness, no hidden agendas, no fear of being honest, and doing so with candor.
-<>Cleaving means staying together...being partners in life, no matter what might occur...”so long as we both shall live.”
2) THE PICTURE OF MARRIAGE -- God’s Ideal...
--Eph.5:31 -- “...and the two shall become one flesh.”
--There is, of course, a reference here to a sexual union, where two bodies unite and momentarily become one unit together.
--But the real meaning of this phrase is MORE than a physical unity.
--->It means there is a change of focus...a change to the point of dreaming together, planning together, celebrating the joys and the struggles of life together.
--ILL>A USA TODAY survey recently asked 4500 men and women, “Who is responsible for what decisions around the home?”
---The answers: Women are responsible for deciding what’s for dinner, preparing it, managing the household budget, and raising the children. Men AND women share the responsibilities for deciding where to go on vacation, how much to spend on major purchases, how much insurance to carry and where to buy it. Men? Men are responsible for deciding what to watch on television.
-<>In real terms, it’s not two agendas, but it is to be one, shared agenda.
--Not two dreams, but one, shared dream.
--It involves shared priorities, a joining of goals, and a desire to see each partner become the best person he/she can be.
--Not two approaches to raising children, but one, united, agreed-upon, shared plan.
--Not two budgets, but one budget.
--Not separate vacations, separate future plans, but one vacation, one plan for the future.
--And when victories occur (promotions, awards, financial success, etc.) they too are shared victories.
3) THE PLAN FOR MARRIAGE -- Our Choices...
--Gen.1:27 -- “And God created man in His own image...; male and female He created them.”
->QUOTE: John Graham says it well, “Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance.”
-<>It is no big surprise to state the obvious: Men and women are DIFFERENT from one another.
--God created us DIFFERENTLY BY CHOICE, and we must not only understand that, but appreciate it, and work on it.
-ILL>Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) says the ten most common problems she sees in letters written to her can be summed up in one complaint: “My wife doesn’t understand me.”
-ILL>One of Dear Abby’s most unusual letters, she says, came from a wife who voiced her frustration on not understanding how her husband thinks. The letter said, “My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I’m crazy because I voted for Goldwater!”
-QUOTE: E. J. Graff has said, “Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.”
-We’re not just different in our physical construction (although that’s a wonderful difference, I think), but we’re quite different in our interests, our emotional expressions, our thinking processes, how we process information, how we value feelings vs. logic, even differences in our choice of diets.
-ILL>In Chuck Swindoll’s book, THE GREAT AWAKENING, he reveals a survey of thousands of men and women, asking them about their needs.
--The 5 Major Needs women expressed: 1) Affection; 2) Conversation; 3) Honesty/Openness; 4) Financial support; 5) Family commitment.
--The 5 Major needs men expressed: 1) Sexual fulfillment; 2) Recreational companionship; 3) An attractive spouse; 4) Domestic support; 5) Admiration/respect.
-ILL>It is no surprise, then, that a similar survey conducted by Dr. Robert Travis, co-director of Marital and Health Studies at the University of Alabama listed the most common complaints of husbands and wives.
---The main complaints of wives: He doesn’t listen to me, he takes me for granted, he’s not romantic, he doesn’t help with the children.
---The main complains of husbands: She doesn’t understand that I need time by myself, she nags me about little things, she expects too much emotionally, she complains that I spend too much time at work.
-<>Yet, while recognizing there are differences, it is amazing how little we practice that knowledge in relating to one another.
-<>Based on the Scriptures and also study after study, I want us to look today at our roles in being the best spouse we can be.
->Make no mistake about it, making a marriage work is a difficult task...achievable, but a challenge.
-QUOTE: Robert Keeler explains, “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks: it looks easy until you try it.”
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<>GUYS, my hope today is that every man listening will leave this place committed to being the best husband to his wife he can become.
-Understand, when you make the need changes your initial efforts might not be immediately received like you might hope.
-ILL>One man decided to show his wife how much he loved her. So, before going home from work, he showered, shaved, put on cologne, and bought her a bouquet of flowers. Then he went to the front door of their home and knocked. His wife answered the door and exclaimed, “Oh no! This has been a TERRIBLE day! First I had to take Billy to the emergency room and get a stitch in his leg, then your mother called and said she’s coming for two weeks, then the washing machine broke...and now this! You come home drunk!”
->But hang in there, men. Give her time to adjust to the “new you.”
<>GUYS, REMEMBER THESE THREE PRINCIPLES:
-a) SHOW YOUR LOVE SACRIFICIALLY.
--Eph.5:25 -- “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
-->Work hard, don’t be lazy.
----Whether you like it or not, it’s your responsibility to provide for the tangible needs of your wife and family.
-->Stay faithful, don’t be wandering.
----Remember your wedding vow: “I vow to keep myself only for her so long as you both shall live.”
-->Grow spirituallly, don’t default in your responsibility.
----Your family needs you to lead, but you are to lead by serving.
-->Stay presentable, don’t be a slob.
----Your wife wants you to look nice as much as you need her to.
-b) SHOW YOUR LOVE AFFECTIONATELY.
--1 Pet.3:7 -- “...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman.”
-->Part of that understanding way means recognizing that showing affection, touching, giving attention to “the little things” is a big thing to her.
---Don’t just view tenderness as foreplay, hoping to be rewarded later...but as understanding that tenderness and affection are always important to her.
---She really DOES desire to be held, to be caressed and touched (privately, not in public view), and to be listened to (which is also affectionate).
-c) SAY IT VERBALLY.
--Eph.4:29 -- “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
-->Your wife needs words, conversation, much more than you do.
--ILL>Astronaut Michael Collins explained what he had learned at a marriage conference: “I learned that the estimated number of words a man speaks every day is 15,000. But the number a woman speaks is 35,000. Unfortunately, when I come home I’ve already spent my 15,000, but my wife is just getting started on her 35,000.”
-->Your wife wants to know your heart, she already knows your smells and bad habits.
---Yes, it may not be nearly as important to you, it might even be irritating, but it’s very important to her.
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LADIES...Again, my hope today is that every woman listening will leave this place committed to being the best wife she can become.
<>LADIES, REMEMBER THESE THREE PRINCIPLES:
-a) BE RESPECTFUL.
--Eph.5:33 -- “...and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.”
-->Respect is what he most wants from you!
-->He’s a person, not a project.
---He’s a man, not a pet.
---He’s to be loved by you, not trained by you.
--ILL>I’m reminded of the speaker a woman’s club who was lecturing on marriage. At one point in her speech she asked her audience of women, “How many of you want to ‘mother’ your husband?” One member in the back row raised her hand. “You do want to ‘mother’ your husband?” “Mother?,” the woman echoed. “Oh, I’m sorry, I though you said ‘SMOTHER.’”
--ILL>The story is told of two lines seen in heaven, one for the dominant husbands and one for the passive, submissive husbands. The submissive husband line extended almost out of sight. There was, however, only one man in the dominant husband line. He was small, timid, and appeared anything BUT a dominant husband. When the angel inquired as to why he was in this line, he said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
-->Rather than seeking to remodel him, ladies, choose instead to respect him, accept him as he is.
---The truth is, the more you try to change him, the greater you risk pushing him toward someone else who will accept him as he is.
---But the more you respect him, the greater is the chance he’ll want to change in order to better himself for you.
--ILL>A couple who had been married for fifteen years began having a lot of disagreements. They wanted their marriage to work, so they adopted an idea the wife came up with For one month they dropped a little slip of paper each night into each other’s “Fault Box.” These boxes would provide a place to let the other know about daily irritations. The wife was diligent in her efforts and approach: “Leaving the jelly top off the jar,” “Wet towels on the shower floor,” “Dirty socks not in the hamper,” etc., were the kinds of faults she noted on her daily slips and placed in her husband’s “Fault Box.” At the end of the month, they exchanged boxes. The husband read how he had done all this wrong stuff. Then the wife opened her box, and began reading slip after slip, all of them saying the same thing: “I love you.”
-b) BE ATTRACTIVE, though modest.
--1 Tim.2:9 -- “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly...”
-->Ladies, you might think it’s not that important, but it’s very important to him....Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is.
-->Be feminine.
---He already has tough, rough, crude friends. He wants you to be soft, “other” than them.
---And he wants you to provide the “feminine touches” in his life, in his home, no matter how much he says otherwise.
-->Treat yourself as a gem, worthy of his attention.
---Not as a prima dona, not as barbed wire, not as a spoiled child, but special, worthy of his attention, and attractive to him.
---You might view the emphasis on your appearance as shallow, unimportant, but trust me...he doesn’t.
---It is, in fact, what first drew him to you, got his attention, peaked his interest.
---So what makes you think it’s not still important to him?
-c) BE HIS PARTNER.
--Gen.2:18 -- “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”
-->His exclusive sexual partner, of course.
-->But also his partner in intimacy and a friend in every area of his life.
---This includes NOT telling your “girlfriends” stuff that should only be between you and him.
---He will view this breach of confidence as a violation of his partnership with you.
----And it will undermine any further openness and honesty you want him to give to you on other matters.
---It means viewing your relationship with him as the most important human relationship you have.
---It means giving your relationship with him priority over your girlfriends, or your mother, or anyone else.
-->Being his partner in raising your children.
---He needs you to include your perspective, but also needs you to hear his.
---And it’s not really a partnership if you make his “part” being the disciplinarian all the time.
-->And be his spiritual partner, his spiritual equal.
---You are every bit his equal, and he needs your partnership.
---It does mean being submissive when a decision must be made that the two of you can’t come to a total agreement on, but most times there is time to work out your differences.
BRINGING IT HOME...
<>Today, I encourage you to appreciate your spouse for who he/she is.
<>I encourage you to commit yourself to becoming the best husband or wife you can be for her or him.
<>It won’t happen just by “turning over a new leaf,” but by recommitting yourself to the Lord, to being His child, His instrument for bringing richness to your spouse’s life.
<>The beauty is when both of you are committed to helping the other, both are helped, supported, strengthened.
--And both will know they are loved.
