If I were to start this week’s teaching with a movie clip, as I have been known to do, it would actually be a collection of clips. All strung together in a row. Showing the same scenario being played out over and over again as shown to us in movies and TV shows.
The sad part is that it is a real life scenario that they have fictionalized. And I’m guessing it happens at least thousands of times every morning, if not tens or hundreds of thousands of times.
It starts something like this. They wake up in the morning. Get their bearings about them. Get their eyes open, and their mind working. Then they glance across the bed. See someone else in it with them, and the thought goes through their mind, “Oh my gosh! What have I done?”
If the previous night was filled with partying, drugs or alcohol, they may mean that question very literally. They may not have any idea what they have done. But those ingredients don’t even have to be in the mix. Their thinking could have been totally unhampered by any outside influences. And yet they found themselves sleeping with a stranger, a near stranger, or even just someone that they never would have logically proceeded to behave in such a manner with.
But that is not the scene that I would have shown you. The scene comes next. After asking themselves that question. After trying to piece together the puzzle that was the result of their longing for a moment of intimacy, this is what happens next. And if you stop and think about it, you will realize that you have seen it over and over again on TV and in the movies.
The person takes off. They may grab the very bedspread they were sleeping under, quickly rap it around their body, and lunge for the bathroom. Or they immediately sweep up their dress or pants and shirt, throw them on as quickly as they can, and head out of the room.
And if you think it is just handled that way because they have to get the characters from the bed to clothed without showing anything. We might need to have a chat re: your naivety to Hollywood’s motives.
But I do find it incredibly ironic. That even in the secular world. They will picture this real life scenario that takes place over and over again every morning across our country and around the world. And they will picture it just like it is. People that just moments ago were completely naked with each other. Were sexually engaged with each other. Are now rushing to cover themselves up. To hide themselves. To duck behind the shame that is now tarnishing their attempts at intimacy.
And it doesn’t just happen outside of marriage. There are married couples that find themselves only able to be physically intimate in the complete dark. Married couples that rush to cover themselves from the gaze of their very spouse. Married people that utilize words like “modesty” to shroud feelings of embarrassment or even shame at being exposed in such moments of intimacy.
Now, let me make a couple of things very clear. First, I know that intimacy is not just about physical interaction. It is not exclusively defined by sexual activity. But I also know that I am not willing to go so far as to say that intimacy is NOT about sex. Because if we completely remove intimacy from the sexual equation, we have completely bought into the world’s definitions. We have played into the thinking that intimacy and sex are mutually exclusive. Intimacy is about more than sex, but within God’s plan, the physical interaction of two married people is without a doubt an expression of incredible intimacy.
Unfortunately, of all the things that God has ever created, intimacy may be the one we messed up the fastest. We are only slowly managing to destroy the earth He gave us. It took us at least a little while to trade covenant relationship for legalism. In some corners, we still have managed to keep ritual from turning into routine. But intimacy? That probably holds the record of the thing most rapidly destroyed by mankind.
There are almost 1,200 chapters in the Bible. And we only have to read three of them to find the catastrophic collision of intimacy and shame. Turn with me to Genesis 2. Genesis 2:25 (read).
You see, if we try to separate physical exposure or nakedness from intimacy, we are attempting to do something even the Bible doesn’t attempt to do. In fact, the word of God does not say, “And they shared every thought they had with each other, and were not ashamed.” It doesn’t say, “And they compared skills, abilities, and talents, and were not ashamed.” It says, “They were both naked and were not ashamed.”
Look at some of the preceding phrases: “This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” “They shall become one flesh.” These are words, and phrases that encapsulate God’s plan for intimacy between human beings. And it includes a physical intimacy that is free of shame.
Genesis 3 (read through verse 7). There it is. My movie clip scene. Played out for the very first time in all history. They open their eyes. They see that they are naked, and they run for cover.
Verse 8 (read through verse 10). Now, catch this with me. Why did Adam say that he was afraid? Because he was naked.
Not because he had disobeyed God. Not because he had listened to Eve. Not because he had been dooped by a snake of all things. Dude doesn’t even have any legs or arms. A snake! Why was he afraid of God? Because he was naked.
Intimacy collided with shame, and he hid himself. And for much of our world. For many of us. We are still in hiding. We just longed to be intimate with someone, and we awoke covered in shame. So we went into hiding. And we took the big intimacy dial of our lives, and we amped it back a few notches. “I’ll never get hurt like that again.”
And some times goes by, and we slowly let our guard down, and we allow a bit more of our lives to be exposed to someone, hoping we can experience true, pure, relational intimacy. . .and then it happens again. We are made to feel stupid. We are made to feel untalented. We are made to feel ugly. Shame falls into our lap, and we amp back the intimacy dial a few more notches.
And before long one of two things happen. Either we totally give up on experiencing any intimacy. We hide in the bushes. Hide from people. Hide from relationships. Hide from connectivity with others at work, in the church, in our families. . .we just hide from it all. We choose to live life completely alone. Lacking any connections to anyone else. We completely shut down this longing of our heart for intimacy without shame.
Or, we figure there is no such thing as intimacy without shame. So we put up with the shame as a natural by product of our reckless abandon to find intimacy. We will share anything with anyone. We will stick with anybody no matter how cruddy they treat us. We will jump in the bed and completely expose ourselves if for just a brief moment we might feel some sense of intimacy, figuring all along that shame is just part of the package.
What a mess. And I’m not trying to play some emotional game with you this morning. To pull at some heart string that isn’t there. But truth be told, some of us are rapidly trying to build a wall at this very moment, because we don’t even want to deal with this longing. We have been hurt so many times. The shame is so deep and all consuming. The pursuit of pure and true intimacy has been so painful. That we are just trying to figure out how to block all of this out for the next 15 minutes so we can get back to our lives of hiding, or shame filled intimacy.
So even if I am only talking to one of you. Even if there is only one person who needs to hear this today. I want you to know that God has created us with a profound desire to fully know and to be fully known without shame. To experience the intimacy of Genesis 2:25. In a physical sense with a spouse, but so far beyond that in a relational and spiritual sense.
God’s plan is for us to be close to each other, free from shame. God’s plan is for us to be close to Him, without overwhelming emotions of shame. God’s plan is that we learn how to get close without getting hurt, and experience an intimate life of never again being alone.
Let’s look at what God’s plan for this longing, God’s plan for intimacy looks like. In God’s plan for intimacy. . .
1. WE KNOW THAT HE ALREADY KNOWS.
You can find endless theological debate about Genesis chapter 3, verse 9 (read). So does that speak against God’s foreknowledge? Did God temporarily suspend foreknowledge?
This is what I think. I think that God asks a lot of questions that He already knows the answer to. I believe He knew where Adam was, but He wanted Adam to acknowledge where he was.
I ask my kids questions all the time that I know the answer to. It is a learning process. It is a maturing process. It helps them grow.
You see, when we recognize that God already knows, we can quit hiding. We can quit covering ourselves in shame. He already knows about the money you stole. He already knows about the sexual lines you crossed. He already knows about the addiction you are struggling with. There is no point to grabbing a bunch of fig leaves and jumping behind a bush. . .that only adds shame to the pain. God already knows.
I Corinthians 13:12 says, “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but than I shall know (here’s the kicker) just as I also am known.”
Now I only know in part, but then I shall know in whole. And what is it like to know in whole? It’s like being known as I am already known.
Whether it is a kid with a parent, or a husband with a wife. We hate having something hidden, and no matter how much trouble we get in, we eventually reach the point where we would rather be punished than carry the hidden secret any longer. We reach the breaking point of no longer wanting to live in the bushes.
That’s how it works in God’s plan for intimacy. Know that He already knows, and get free from the shame. But it gets even better than this. In fact, for some of us, that may not have even been good news. “Oh great! So He knows what a mess I am. I’m completely exposed. There’s a real pick me up.”
But it does get better. Because in God’s plan for intimacy. . .
2. GOD COVERS OUR SHAME.
This is really good. Watch this with me. Look at Genesis 3:7 (read). Okay, so they have sewed these leaves together. They have made themselves loincloths. They have covered their shame. They are good to go, right?
Verse 8 (read). Why did they hide themselves? They have their loincloths now. They have sewn their little leaves together. Everything should be good to go. Intimacy is restored by their efforts, right? So why are they hiding?
It’s pretty easy to explain, and probably even easier to understand. Our best efforts at covering our shame, don’t do any good. Do they? We still feel dirty. We still feel embarrassed. We still feel worthless. We act like we can just keep trucking along, but we still feel covered in shame.
So jump to verse 21 (read). When God covers our shame, we are truly clothed. And in the third chapter of the Bible, God was already taking action to look down upon His shamed and disgraced people, and instead of just standing there gawking at us, He covers our shame.
That’s a message of the cross. That’s a message of Christmas. God has always been about the business of recognizing the break in intimacy, and doing all He can to free us from shame and restore the place of perfect relationship. God was, and is fully determined to draw near to us in such a way that we would have no shame in our relationships with Him.
Here is another important truth about God’s plan for intimacy.
3. IT IS STRENGTHENED BY PAIN, SUFFERING AND STRUGGLES.
A great challenge to human intimacy is the pain, challenges, and crisis of human life. Our own shame can creep in, and pull us back from moving any deeper in our intimacy (i.e. ministry in Haiti).
Or we may want to draw closer in intimacy at such times, but simply not know what to do. And in our not knowing, we can actually embarrass or even increase shame (i.e. Isolation of IWU student & relating as a husband of 17 years).
But within God’s plan for intimacy, times of pain, suffering and struggle actually strengthen the depth of the relationship.
Hebrews 4:15 and 16 is an incredibly famous, and often quoted passage. But notice the connection. Verse 15, “For we do not have a High priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
Within a human plan of intimacy, that would be very problematic. “Great, He can sympathize, but He got through it without sinning like I have. That only adds to my shame.”
But that’s not how it works within God’s plan for intimacy without shame. Verse 16, “Let us therefore,” because of the fact that Christ was tempted and did not sin, instead of that being a point of failure for us. A separation of intimacy. A source of shame. Instead, “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
What is humanly an intimacy breaker, is for God an intimacy increaser. A reason to more boldly approach the throne of grace. An opportunity to more deeply experience intimacy without shame. Our pain. Our suffering. Our struggles, when faced with God’s grace, increase our ability to live in a relationship of intimacy without shame.
Now, here is the really hard part. These first three parts of the plan are all about me and God. You and God. Just the two of us. Living an intimate relationship. God and His child. My Heavenly Father and His Son. Connected to God.
But God’s plan for intimacy doesn’t stop there. God’s plan for intimacy. . .
4. EXTENDS TO THE BODY OF CHRIST.
Jesus is getting ready to leave the planet. That’s a pretty big trip to prepare for. Might be lots of things one would want to pray about before being tried, crucified, buried, resurrected, and ascending into heaven. I’m thinking my prayer list might be a tad bit long at that point.
So what does Jesus pray? (Read John 17:20-23)
We teach it and preach it at weddings. The two shall become one. There shall be an intimate relationship welded together that should never be broken. But God didn’t just intend that oneness for Debbie and me. Or for Rusty and Cara. Or for Ed and Michele. He intended that I be one with Josh. That I be one with Joel. That I be one with Roger.
That this relationship of intimacy without shame made available to us in Christ. Experienced and applied to our spiritual walk with Him. That it extend to our relationships with each other. That it become a part of who we are as the body of Christ. That we not only connect with God, but with each other. That we are not only never alone spiritually, but even relationally here on earth.
Personal Testimony:
I’ve lived a great deal of my life, covered in shame. For years, it even motivated me to do good things, but with an incredibly dark cloud of embarrassment and humiliation. Going about my day to day responsibilities with torn fig leaves, and insufficient loincloths. Still looking for bushes to duck behind.
So for years, I would make extra efforts to invest in Jamie’s life. To grow more intimate with him as a father. And I would do it because I had put him on a plane as an 18 month old, and sent him out of my life. A good longing for intimacy, motivated by shame.
I accepted a four year recall to Stonewall in a pursuit of more intimate relationships with the people of this church. And motivated by the shame of never having stayed in the same job for more than 2 years, or never having lived in one house for more than a couple dozen months. A good longing for intimacy, motivated by shame.
I would preach sermons pressing you. Pushing you. Trying to cram you into a more intimate relationship with God. And I would do it because I was ashamed of the surface nature of my prayer life. My fasting commitment. My own intimacy with God. Again, a good longing for intimacy, but motivated by shame.
But a couple years ago, a friend approached me. Shared some observations with me. Provided me with a few books, “Released from Shame” – “Shame and Grace”, and I began to truly see how much like Adam I was. Hiding from God, and from others. So desiring to be close. So wanting to be in intimate relationships with my Savior, my family, and my friends. But jumping behind bushes because of the life long build up of shame in my life.
And I’m not foolish enough to claim that I have arrived. I still joke about things at home. Play down the pain of various relationships. Isolate myself from given people or situations because I’m still not to that point of being ready to be fully exposed. There are still some leaves of shame in my life.
But I’m discovering the incredible peace and intimacy that is available in my relationship with God, with my wife, with my children and with others when I follow God’s plan of grace rather than Satan’s plan of shame. And it is my desire to walk with each of you, and help you do the same.
One author puts it like this:
“Intimacy without shame is a lost concept for most people. They have lived their entire lives in relationships that were more a trade-off than anything resembling intimacy. Anything they encountered approaching intimacy usually involved the shame of knowing it was happening outside of a covenant relationship. To a world full of people who are longing for intimacy without shame, Jesus says, ‘I am here to meet you. I will rejoice with you in your successes. I will weep with you during your times of failure and heartache. I will see and understand your sacrifices, and I will celebrate and affirm the passions that make you unique in time and eternity. I will be truly intimate with you – I will know you and you will know Me, and there will be no shame in it.’”
Let’s pray.
