GOOD GRIEF (GENESIS 23)
Charlie Brown of the popular Peanuts comic strip has a habit of blurting out two words whenever he is stuck, trapped or frustrated. His favorite expression is “Good grief!”
Death or bereavement in the family is a hurting, devastating and overwhelming affair. Recovering from the loss of a loved one or family member is a slow, painful and lengthy process. Researchers from the Medical College of Virginia, in a study reported in Psychology Today, concluded that the death of a close relative is the single biggest contributor to depression. A serious illness would increase a person’s risk of depression by 330%; divorce/breakup raises it to an unhealthy 1,130%; serious marital problem and assault pushes risk to an alarming 1,400%; but the risk of depression in the death of a close relative soars to a dangerous 1,500%. (Psychology Today 11-12/95).
Abraham and his constant companion and longtime wife Sarah loved each other. Their unusual love story is one for the ages. They were very devoted to each other. When Abraham requested his wife to tell outsiders that she was his sister and not his wife, she dutifully obliged. When Sarah expelled her servant girl Hagar, the mother of Abraham’s first son Ishmael, Abraham reluctantly complied. Their love survived the long and treacherous road to the Promised Land, the early and self-conscious days of childlessness and the explosive and divisive quarrels in the family. They had lived as young newly-weds with Abraham’s father Terah in Ur of the Chaldeans (Gen 11:29), managed things on their own and prospered in the new land, eventually realizing the dream of becoming parents when Isaac was born. However, the father of many nations (Rom 4:17) was now without his wife Sarah, who died of old age. How did the Father of faith feel? What would life be like without Sarah? Where would he find the strength to go on? What could he do to honor her life?
Grief hardly qualifies as being good, but grieving is good. The loss of a loved one, while it triggers a grave crisis in the home, is not the end of the world for surviving family members. How is grieving good? Why does grieving make tragedy bearable? What should we do when a loved one passes away? How should we respond to others in grief?
Weep Alone Patiently
23:1 Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. 2 She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her. (Gen 23:1-2)
Allowing others to weep and grieve for their loss is not a bad thing.
C. S. Lewis, the well-known Christian author wrote:
“To love at all is vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possible be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell. (Swindoll, Quest)
Abraham mourned and wept over Sarah’s death (v 2). What’s the difference? Weeping is a personal response to grief while mourning or lamenting is frequently a ceremony, a ritual or a tradition that involves rending the clothes, beating the breasts and tearing of hair. The first mourning recorded in the Bible, significantly, is Abraham’s lamenting over the loss of his wife Sarah. We do not know how long Abraham mourned, but at Jacob’s death his children mourned for seven days (Gen 50:10).
Many Christians struggle for the right words to say to people who are grieving or suffering loss. Their words often reflect their negative opinion of grief. The most common words of advice given to someone at the loss of a loved one are “Don’t cry” “Don’t feel bad” and “Don’t be sad.” Well-meaning advice like “I’m sure there is a purpose behind all this” or “Time will heal all things” is out of line and out of place. The worst advice I’ve heard so far given to a person who had lost a loved one is “Jesus needs him more than you do.”
Dear Abby gives this advice on how to respond to those who are grieving: “How one handles grief is a personal matter. Let the one who has suffered the loss take the lead. If he feels like talking, encourage him to talk. If he prefers to sit in silence, don’t intrude on his silence. Friends should call, bring food, offer to run errands and do what needs to be done. A hug, a squeeze of the hand, a look which says, “I’m here, if you need me” conveys more than a thousand words. (Quotable Quotations 166 Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985)
Weeping is natural, healthy and necessary. William H. Frey of Health Partners Dry Eye and Tear Research Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, has provided the most revealing study on tears. Tears are caused by three sources - mostly sadness, 20% out of happiness and 0.5% by anger. Women, on the average, cry five times a month, four times as often as men. Only 4% of women say they don’t cry at all, but a whopping 45% of men say they don’t cry at all. For those who cry, 85% of women and 73% of men reported they feel better after crying. Women are more likely to cry when they are angry but anger inhibits crying in men (Los Angeles Times 3/10/97).
Tears help put a person pull together, and not reduce him or her into pieces. Crying is often healthy. It is crucial to and part and parcel of the recovery process. It frees grieving people, and not cripple or shackle them. They get back on their feet quicker, get things off their chest sooner and get on with their life faster after a good cry. The Bible does not discourage people from crying. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 does not discourage us from grieving, but grieving like people “who have no hope.” Romans 12:15 even encourages believers to weep with those who weep. Jesus did not hold back his tears on two occasions, once over Lazarus and another over the city of Jerusalem.
Walk Ahead Patiently
12 Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land 13 and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.” 14 Ephron answered Abraham, 15 “Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver, but what is that between me and you? Bury your dead.” 16 Abraham agreed to Ephron’s terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants. (Gen 23:12-16)
Most college students have come across a study of stress known as “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale” in their basic psychology class. The list consists of 12 stress killers and how these events affect lives on an ascending scale, up to the maximum 100 points. The lowest four stress factors were: Christmas, 12 points; trouble with boss, 23 points; trouble with in-laws and children leaving home, each 29 points; and mortgage or loan foreclosure, 30. The middle four stress reasons were: change into a different line of work, 36 points; death of a close friend, 37 points; pregnancy 40; and retirement, 45. The four stress killers were: fired at work, 47 points; marriage, 50; divorce, a high 73; and death of a spouse, the maximum 100 points.
Death of a spouse is the hardest thing to accept and to handle. Living without one’s life-partner is not only the biggest stress in life; it is also life’s lowest blow, cruelest joke and scariest adjustment. I heard a speaker (D Pao) said that a man has a 25% chance of surviving death following his spouse’s death, but a surviving wife has no problem surviving!
How do those who remain submit to God’s will when loved ones are gone? After crying for a while, Abraham arose (v 3). He did not cry until he was dehydrated, till he was treated or was unrecognizable. The study of Abraham’s life is an incredible look at a man who purposed to walk ahead, not away. Abraham’s purpose, direction and zest in life dimmed, but it did not die the day Sarah died. True, he endured many sleepless nights, weathered many storms and walked the lonesome valley, and nothing could be worse than losing a spouse. The bottom fell out, but the clock kept ticking. There were things to do, people to see and reasons to live.
Abraham had to live for the sake of Sarah, the sake of their son and his own sake. The first thing Abraham did was to buy a piece of property to bury Sarah. Abraham was offered a piece of land free, but he would not accept a lease for his beloved Sarah (vv 5-6). Buying property was a new experience even for the wealthy patriarch who possessed many servants, much livestock and gold. Abraham had not own a piece of property so far. For the first time in his life, as an exception, he bought a piece of property. However, Abraham did not become a property tycoon or make any property investment after this. He bought only one piece of property in life - nothing before, nothing after this and nothing to leave behind – to signal his devotion to his wife. Abraham, technically, was a native of Ur, but he wanted Sarah to be buried in the Promised Land to be close to the family, especially to their young son Isaac.
Further, Abraham had to think of Isaac. Isaac was unmarried (Gen 24:2). Among Abraham’s to-do list was to ensure that Isaac did not marry one of the local idolatrous girls (Gen 24:3). To do that, he had better stick around to see that the most unacceptable and unimaginable thing would not happen: Isaac’s return to Ur! (Gen 24:6) Abraham had to be strong, available and brave. He was not the only who missed Sarah; Isaac missed his mother terribly (Gen 24:67). In fact, the first thing Isaac did when he met Rebekah, his future wife, was to bring her into the tent of his deceased mother Sarah (Gen 24:67). Only after marriage was Isaac comforted after his mother’s death.
Finally, Abraham was nowhere near death or dying. After Isaac was married, Abraham remarried at a later age, started another family, had six more sons and lived until 175 (Gen 25:1-7). When he send his servant to get a bride for his Isaac, Abraham was at an old age (Gen 24:1) but he had yet to live to his lifetime (Gen 25:7).
Work Again Purposefully
So Ephron’s field in Machpelah, near Mamre- both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the border of the filed-was deeded to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city (Gen 23:17-18)
Rabbi Norman E. Singer tells the story of a woman whose only son died. In her grief she went to the holy man and said, “What magical incantations do you have that will bring my son back to life?” Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.”
The woman set out at once in search of the magical seed. She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door and said, “I am seeking a house that has never known sadness. Is this the place?” They told her, “You have come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had befallen them.
The woman said to herself, “Who is more able to help these poor people than myself, who has also known great sorrow?” She stayed on and comforted them, then went on in search for a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hotels and places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. She became involved in ministering to other peoples’ grief she forgot about her quest for the magical seed, never realizing it had in fact driven the sorrow out of her life.
The biggest challenge at the loss of a loved one is to live the remaining life with purpose.
St. Francis of Assisi said, “Lord, save me from despair, and if I am in despair, make me do some work of peace for Thee.” (Instrument of Thy Peace 41, Alan Paton, New York: Seabury Press, 1968)
Abraham wasn’t about to stay in the house, sit in a rocking chair and live like a recluse. He bought not just a cave from Ephron the Hittite, but a cave, the field and all the trees within the border of the field. Bring out the lawn mowers, leaf-blowers and the shears! There was a lot of work to be done, a lot of flowers to plant, a lot of grass to cut, a lot of weeds to pull, uproot and kill!
Work is a challenge, not a cure or a crutch. Work is a way to calm and control grief, and not to cancel or correct grief. Work is a grieving person’s connection to people and the world again, not a cover from them. Work is a comfort to the grieving, not a curse. Work keeps a person’s mind, body and spirit active.
Of course, Abraham - at his age, with his wealth and under the circumstances - did things that were sentimental, personal and rational to him. The trees were a shade to him, the field was a trail for him and the cave was a monument to him. The spread, the space and the surroundings of the field brought him peace, rest and closure.
An 86 year-old: “I’ve learned to keep looking ahead. There are still so many good books to read, sunsets to see, friends to visit, and old dogs to take walks with.” (Live and Learn 159).
Conclusion: Christians have to come to grip with death. They have to permit the departed to leave, the surviving to grieve and themselves to live. Have you tried too hard to offer wise and reassuring words to the grieving rather than offering your presence and prayer to them? Crying for the deceased is not a cry for help or attention, but a cry of love and affection. The Bible says, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Ps 30:5).
Do you live in the present or in the past? Are you thinking and talking too much of the past and not enough of the present and the future?
Victor Yap
Other sermons in the series and other sermon series:
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