Working It Out Jesus’ Way (Part 1)
Matthew 18:15-20
June 24, 2007
I’m a conflict-avoider. I hate conflict more than just about anything – even canned spinach.
When it looks like I’m going to have to face something I don’t want to do, I’m just like most of you, I’ll start looking for a way to get around it.
This is especially true when it comes to conflict with other people.
I don’t like it when people come to me about something they’re upset about concerning me, and I don’t like confronting others about things, either. I like to be liked – just like everybody else.
But unfortunately, conflict is part of life, and as much as we’d like to avoid it, the fact is that it will always be around in one form or another.
To me, some of the most gut-wrenching conflicts come between those who are believers, members of the family of God.
And to watch some people go at it, you’d know they were Christians, because only family members can be so cruel to each other, right?
“They will know we are Christians by our hateful spite, by our hateful spite…”
If you have been part of any church for very long, chances are that you have either witnessed conflict between believers or been involved in it in one way or another.
If you love Jesus and His church, conflict between believers, especially in the context of the church breaks your heart.
You see people who profess to love Jesus, yet they handle their differences with each other in ways that show they are more concerned with saving face and proving the other person wrong than they are about handling it in a way that honors Christ and brings healing.
People lash out in bitterness at the ones who have hurt or angered them. Because the sad fact of the matter is that hurt people hurt people.
I can tell you that from personal experience. It breaks my heart to see.
And you know what? I think it breaks the heart of Jesus as well.
Based on my research and conversations with other pastors and church leaders, conflict is present in just about every church at one time or another.
According to the book, Thriving through Ministry Conflict, 95% of churches experience conflict, and 20% are experiencing it right now. But, believe it or not, 94% report at least some positive results. (Thriving Through Ministry Conflict, James P. Osterhaus, Joseph M. Jurkowski, Todd A. Hahn, Zondervan)
If you’ve been through conflict in this church or another church, you might be wondering just how that can be.
Well, the answer lies in the fact that when we handle conflict in a way that honors God and brings healing, God can bring positive results from it.
And listen – this church has had conflict, even in our recent history.
It hurts, and no one wants it – at least not the way a lot of churches experience it.
We’re going to cover something that is severely lacking in many churches today, and it’s not a fun topic to cover, but it needs to be talked about.
The area of conflict between Christians and in the Church is relevant to every church and is too often ignored in the heat of personalities, hurt feelings, and power struggles.
I think that many churches and pastors are afraid to deal with it because they’re afraid that the power brokers in the church will get angry and have them thrown out.
I thank the Lord that those who have the most invested in this church in every sense of the word seem to be the most humble and want only for this church to be all Jesus intends for it to be.
This is a tough topic, and there is just no way we’re going to get everything there is to learn from this passage today.
But we need to dive into this, because I want us to avoid the hassles that so many believers and churches walk into by ignoring these words of Jesus.
Today we’re going to look at handling conflict on the individual level, then next week, and possibly next we’re look at handling conflict on the church level.
Let me lay a very quick foundation by asking two questions:
1. Who does the Church belong to?
Jesus, right? Not a hard one. No matter whose name is on the deed or who the pastor is or who’s on the board, the church belongs to Jesus.
2. Who should we listen to about how to deal with the people in the church?
Jesus, right? After all, it belongs to Him, and since the church is actually people, then we should listen to Jesus regarding how to deal with the people of the church.
So I’m going along here, as I do every Sunday, under the belief that God knows what He’s talking about in every circumstance, and that He expects us to put into practice what He says we’re supposed to, okay? And He’ll help us do just that.
Why do say that? Because, if you’re like every other Christian on the planet, you prefer to obey the parts of Scripture you like and not those you don’t.
But that’s not the way Jesus works. He expects us to obey what we read, and He’s even given us the Holy Spirit to help us do just that.
So what does Jesus have to say about how to handle conflicts? Let’s dive in and see, okay?
Matthew 18:15-20 (p. 695) –
15 "If your brother sins against you, complain about him to other people…
Oh wait a minute, that’s not it. Let me try it again…
15 "If your brother sins against you, write a letter to the church board…
Oops – that’s not it either. Let me give it another shot…
15 "If your brother sins against you, spread rumors about them by calling for “prayer requests” about something you know will get tongues wagging…
Oh – that’s not it, either? Okay, one more shot at it…
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.
Ahh, that’s what it says.
Folks, I am convinced that if believers would commit themselves to following just this part of the verse, most conflicts between believers and most conflicts in the church would go by the wayside.
Why? Because of the second part of the verse:
If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Now how’s that for cool?
We’re going to focus on verse 15, then next week we’re going to look at verses 16-20, but so we can make sure that we understand the context of what we’re talking about today, let’s read the rest of the passage:
16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
19 "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Folks, I need to tell you that I’m very adamant and passionate about this passage of Scripture.
Why? Because I believe that if Christians would actually obey Jesus’ words here, our churches would be so much healthier and effective for the kingdom.
Church splits would be few and far between, and the relationships between the people in those churches would be godly and healthy.
As it is, many churches are marked not by Biblical handling of differences, but rather by gossip, dissension, backbiting and power struggles, and these are sin.
I intentionally read the passage wrong, because I want to illustrate how most people handle personal conflicts within the church.
It would have been funny if it hadn’t been so tragically true.
If you heard the stories I hear from other pastors and church leaders, you would wonder if most people involved in church conflict actually read the same Bible you and I do.
And I’m here to tell you today that doing it the ways in which I read that passage is sin. There is absolutely no way around it. Rationalize it all you want. Justify it all you want. Ignore it all you want. It’s sin.
Jesus gives us a command here, and if you choose to go outside of that, then you are in sin.
You’re saying, “Jesus doesn’t know what He’s talking about, and besides, this is the 21st century, and He doesn’t have a clue what I’m putting up with.”
Oh, yes He does. He has to put up with you, doesn’t He? Just like He has to put up with me.
But let’s talk about something here, and I hope that this will be helpful in dealing with this issue.
I’m going to cover some stuff here about handling conflict, and you may want to take some notes.
1. Not all offense is sin.
Just because your feelings are hurt about something, it doesn’t mean that they have sinned against you.
If you’re offended or hurt about something, you need to ask yourself if there was really sin involved or if it’s really just an issue of a thin skin?
We live in a world of thin skins where it’s fashionable to be offended about anything and everything except those things that the Bible actually calls sin.
Now, I’ll be frank. My skin has been pretty thin at times.
I used to ask God for a thick skin, but you know how He gives that to you? He puts people into your life that bug you and hurt you.
The only way to a thick skin is to be around people you don’t like and who don’t always like you.
So I quit asking God for a thick skin. My skin has gotten thicker over time, especially since becoming a pastor! But I’ve quit asking God for a thick skin.
Did they sin against you? What Scripture or Scriptural principle can you point to?
If they have committed a sin, it can be addressed. If not, maybe you need to examine yourself and see if there is an issue of pride that’s getting in the way.
2. Not all offense is intentional.
I’ve mentioned in the past that sometimes people sin against others completely unintentionally.
They didn’t mean to do it, and they didn’t even know they did it.
Yet it’s so easy to assign a malicious motive and believe that they did it knowingly and on purpose.
In any case, talking to the person to clear it up is usually all it takes to find out that there was nothing malicious or intentional.
And I’ve noticed that when a person finds out that something they’ve done or said was offensive, they’ll usually apologize and work to not let it happen again.
If they’re mature, that is. If not, they’ll continue, and at that point, if they know it hurts or is offensive and they continue to do it, it is sin, because they are knowingly and intentionally hurting someone, and the Bible is clear that we’re not supposed to do that.
3. The best remedy is the quick remedy.
The Bible says in Ephesians that we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger.
I think that if people would commit to taking a deep breath to make sure they’ve got a case and then deal with it right away, things would be taken care of quickly, hurt feelings can be healed, and relationships can be restored.
But you know what happens a lot of the time?
A person who is hurt, whether it was really sin or not, whether it was intentional or not, decides to just let that simmer in their hearts and stomach.
Forgiveness doesn’t even enter the picture, because they’d rather sit and stew about something for days, months, and even years. Decades.
All that does is poison your soul, folks. Bitterness is not a Christian value. It eats at your heart and pretty soon, everything you see and hear, especially in connection to that person is tainted by your bitter unforgiveness.
And you need to know that Scripture condemns bitterness and calls unforgiveness a sin. It’s certainly not Christlike, is it?
Get it out of the way. Deal with it as quickly as possible.
One other thing: If you really want to show that you’re above the pettiness that drives so much of this stuff, then go to Proverbs 19:11 where it says that it’s to a person’s glory to OVERLOOK an offense.
What’s the bottom-line application of what I’m talking about today?
It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? Go to the person who has hurt you. How complicated is that? Not complicated at all.
And if you take only one thing away from this message, please make it this:
If you haven’t talked the offender, it’s sin to talk to anyone else.
If you come to me complaining about someone, the first thing I’m going to say is this: “Have you talked to them about this? If you haven’t, then I can’t get involved. Jesus says I can’t.”
If you need me to help you set up a meeting or phone call or whatever, I’ll help with that. But I can’t do for you what Jesus commands you to do.
If you decide that you don’t want to do that and would rather handle it like I read in the beginning of the passage, then go ahead.
But remember, that is sin. And for the life of me, I don’t understand how someone thinks the results are going to be better by doing it in a sinful manner.
Does it make sense to believe that a godly result will follow sinful actions? I don’t think so.
So go to the person. Before you go to anyone else.
If you’re afraid to meet with them, call them on the phone or write a letter. Even an e-mail is better than nothing.
But do something – take the initiative.
Back in chapter five of Matthew, Jesus says that if we know someone has something against us, we should do something about it.
Here Jesus says that if we have something against someone else, we should do something about it.
We are never commanded to wait for the other person.
It’s always YOUR turn to make things right. Always.
But understand something here, and this is extremely important:
The goal is not to convict, the goal is to restore.
Last week we talked about how the Good Shepherd is concerned about the sheep who has gone astray, and the fact that the church has a part in the process by seeking to restore that person in their walk with God by finding forgiveness and walking once again with Jesus.
That’s the same goal here. You’re not out to beat the person up, you’re there to show them that what they are doing goes against Christ’s commands.
So you go to them – alone. And pray that God does something to show the person his or her sin, and leads them to repentance.
And if they acknowledge their sin and ask forgiveness, then you need to grant it to them.
I’m of the opinion that you should grant it even if they don’t ask, but that’s another subject for another day.
Don’t let bitterness and anger lead you to the sin of unforgiveness. Follow the words of Jesus, trusting that He’ll make it right, even if it’s not right away.
I want us to take a few moments in silence and ask God to show each of us if there is a situation we’re in where we have not handled it the right way. We’ve chosen to go around the person instead of dealing with them directly.
We’ve chosen to talk about them instead of to them. And we know that that’s not what Jesus wants us to do.
While you’re praying in silence, if God points something out to you, then commit to doing something about it.
Ask God to give you an opportunity to make it right by following the words of Jesus.
Let’s pray, and in a couple minutes, Lowell and the ladies will come and lead us in our closing chorus.
Pride and a sense of being owed something are out of place.
We have sinned against God and others, and we would want grace and forgiveness extended to us.
Lord help us to be humble and meek, extending grace and forgiveness to others as we want it from You.
