God, The Bible And Divorce
Scripture: Malachi 2:10-16; Jeremiah 3:6-8; Matthew 19:9;
Introduction:
Before I start this message I have a favor to ask. If you have a watch on, please take it off and put it in your pocket or purse. Thanks. Last week I preached part three of my series on Pulling against God. Due to the nature and content of part of that message, the section dealing with divorce, I received several questions in reference to what I said and why I did not go deeper into that area. I understand that divorce is a very sensitive topic as many people, including myself, have been affected in some way by divorce. Everyone in this room probably knows someone that has been through a divorce. Either they have gone through one or have friends or family members who have gone through one. This topic is so sensitive that if I say the wrong thing the wrong way, some of you may not hear anything else I say. I am asking for your patience this morning as we dig deep into this topic. Last week my daughters had questions about what I said about divorce and that said a lot to me. As a pastor, I try to be guarded as to what I say because I am especially held accountable by God and I do not want to consciously butcher His word to make anyone happy. So when I stand before you on Sundays and during bible study, I do my best to make sure I understand Scripturally what is correct and that it is being applied correctly to our daily lives. I will tell you up front that I do not have all of the answers but I feel the need to go ahead and address this topic today and not wait until I finish my current series. I may go a little longer than normal, but I want to complete this message in one sermon so that no one has to wait a full week to get the rest, so I ask that you bear with me.
I. God Hates Divorce
So let me start with the point I was trying to make last week. Last week, the only thing I wanted you to walk away with was that in the beginning, when God created marriage, that He expected it to last and that should be our thinking when we entered into marriage. However, this being the sensitive subject that it is, as soon as I mentioned divorce, everyone minds probably went to a different place. God truly does hate divorce and He did not intend for divorce to happen. However, that does not means that He does not allow it in certain cases. Turn with me to Malachi 2:10-16 and we will examine God’s view and then we will transition into some other areas that address several acceptable reasons to divorce as was practiced during biblical times.
“Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord cut him off from the tents of Jacob, even though he brings offerings to the Lord Almighty. Another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord mad them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. Any why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith.” Malachi 2:10-16
Malachi was addressing an issue with men who were divorcing the wives of their youth to marry pagan women. The wives had done nothing to warrant the divorce, the men just wanted someone else (the pagan women.) Not only were the men unfaithful to their marriage vows, they also treated just as lightly their faithfulness to God and worshipped the gods of their pagan wives, thus provoking the Lord. In verse 14 where Malachi says …broken faith with her…” he was talking about divorce. Malachi points out that although divorce is a personal matter, it affects the larger community and is therefore also a public matter which I will address later. In verse 16 when God says “…and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence…” He was not necessarily referring to physical violence. This was God’s way of saying that divorce, no matter how calmly and reasonably it’s done, does violence to human relationship. Anyone who has gone through one understands this. So God has made it clear that He understands divorce even though He hates it. But let me share with you something personal with God as it pertains to divorce. This is something that rarely gets discussed when the subject of divorce is being talked about. Scripture tells us that God actually divorced Israel because of her adultery. Yes you heard me right. Turn with me to Jeremiah 3:6-8. “During the reign of king Josiah, the Lord said to me, ‘Have you seen what faithless Israel has done? She has gone up on every high hill and under every spreading tree and has committed adultery there. I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries.”
Because of Israel sins, God divorced Israel. God understand the pains of divorce, He has gone through one. He understands being on the receiving end of having a spouse commit adultery against Him when Israel committed adultery against Him. If you read the first part of this chapter God is very descriptive of their actions and their desire to return to Him after the have been “out in the streets.” Yet the story does not end here. God actually does take Israel back which speaks to the forgiveness that resides within Him – but Israel had to repent. Although God hates divorce, He understands that there are times when divorce will take place. So are there “approvable reasons” for divorces according to God? Yes, I believe there are. We already know God would approve of divorce in the case of adultery or sexual immorality, but there are some additional reasons that you may not be familiar with.
II. Divorce In The Bible
Let journey back to what the Scriptures says about divorce in the Old Testament. The reason I am taking you back to the Old Testament is because it will shed some light on something that Jesus said in the New Testament about divorce that I brought up last week. For many of us Christians, sexual immorality alone is the key to the dissolution of a marriage but can this have been Jesus’ intent in His remarks about divorce? I shared with you last week what Jesus said in Mathew 19:9. Jesus says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." I have understood (as have many Christians before me) that Jesus’ words here and elsewhere to mean that divorce is never allowed except for cases of sexual infidelity. However, when we look at what happens in our society with spousal abuse, spouse/family abandonment, could those not also be acceptable reasons? And, if someone does divorce for acceptable reasons, can they remarry? For those of you who have been in Bible Study, you know I have told you what I believe to be permissible reasons for getting a divorce, reasons that I believe are acceptable to God. But today I want to share what I base my beliefs on. According to Judaism historians, there were two binding texts Jewish rabbis looked to on marriage and divorce. The first was Deuteronomy 24:1, which says, "If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house…..” In this verse we find what many do not understand and that is that the certificate of divorce was largely a way of protecting the woman. Remember, at this time woman did not have a lot of rights, but they did have some rights especially when it came to being divorced.
Once the certificate of divorce was given, it meant that in Jewish society, a woman’s first husband could not come back and re-claim her. Now here is what you need to understand: the main reason for giving a certificate of divorce was to permit the woman to re-marriage so that she would not starve or be forced into prostitution. The certificate of divorce was for the protection of the woman. Once she received the certificate of divorce, her first husband lost all rights to her and she was free to remarry. The reason in this case for the man divorcing his wife was he found something “indecent” about her. "Indecency" in this passage involves a Hebrew word that can be translated as "sexual immorality," so here the basis for divorce that we discussed earlier.
The other binding divorce text is in Exodus 21:10-11: "If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.” In this verse, we find two additional acceptable reasons for a woman to leave her husband and thus these also became part of the acceptable reasons for any to divorce. In this case, this was not necessarily the best situation for the woman. Although she could leave her husband for these three reasons, she was not entitled to get any payment (what we would call alimony) when she left. While this law initially covered a slave wife in a polygamous marriage, over time the rabbis looked at this text and figured that the rights involved would also extend to wives who were free and marriages that were monogamous. The rabbis decided that this law implied a vow for provision (food and clothing), as well as a vow to give love (sexual intimacy and affection). So a marriage vow consisted of three promises:
• Fidelity. This means that once someone is married, their spouse is to be their only sexual partner. If a spouse has an affair the other spouse is free to divorce them, especially if there is no repentance. If the spouse repents, then consideration should be given for reconciliation.
• Provision. This one some have used as a loophole and it is not. The man was to provide food, shelter and clothing for his wife. If the man did not provide these things, the wife could leave. This does not mean that one could leave because their spouse is not the greatest at handling money, but it does mean that if that spouse is not taking care of providing for the family as needed, there was a cause for divorce to be considered. Now you notice that I used the term spouse because the same would apply today for say at home husbands. That working wife has the same responsibility to her husband as that husband would to his wife if he were the one working.
• Sexual Relationship and Affection. The third area addressed was that the spouse was to provide the marital rights (sexual intercourse and affection) for their spouse. There was no stipulation of how often the “marital relations” was to occur or whether or not it had to be good; each partner was supposed to come together sexually routinely. Remember Paul addressed this in the New Testament when he said that the married couple should not deny one another expect for a time of praying because Satan could come in with temptation. The second part of this concerned affection. Affection here is more than just holding hands and such; it was a mindset that this person was special to you. They were treated special and knew they were held in high esteem.
Each of these was considered to be a separate vow when a person entered into a marriage contract. Whenever one of these vows were broken, the victim had the right to get divorced and to remarry. There is something else we need to understand with all of this, when someone got divorce during these times, it was understood that they would probably remarry. From what I have been able to find there was no thought of divorce apart from the right to remarry.
When you consider the three acceptable reasons for divorce and the fact that God is a righteous God, the question of abuse and abandonment which often comes up is answered. If the three reasons for divorce consist of sexual immorality, provision and the proper sexual relationship and affection within the marriage, if there is abuse and/or abandonment happening, the other vows are being broken. Abuse in any form is illegal and should be reported. If you know someone is being abused, you should report it. I do not believe that God wants you or anyone else in a relationship where you are being abused.
Now let me be frank and clear on this. I am sure that this discussion creates a number of questions in your mind. What about the mate who lies to his spouse before marriage and you find out he was married before and has children, etc.? Would a person have to stay with a mate who entered into marriage under false pretense? What about the mate who refuses to allow the children to have any spiritual upbringing? What about the one who physically abuses the children or the mate? Should they stay in that marriage? Well, I think that divorce should always be the last resort, but there are circumstances that become so complicated that you sometimes have to choose between the lesser of two evils. The point here is for all of us to realize that the Bible does not cover every possible scenario of a failing marriage. If it did we’d need a tow truck to get it to church. Now, if you think you have a blanket formula that covers every situation my conclusion would be that you not familiar with some of the complicated situations that people can get into. You talk to a woman who says, "I was married at 19, my husband is now an alcoholic. He beats me every night and he beats the children frequently, he’s threatening to kill me. What should I do?" You can’t just say, "Well, the Bible forbids divorce, so you pray about it and love him through it and tell the kids that Daddy doesn’t mean it." That’s not realistic and it’s definitely not safe. She needs to get out of there. And she needs to choose between the lesser of two evils. That may not be divorce but certainly separation for her safety.
III. What Jesus Addressed In Matthew 19:1-9
With that as a background, let me fully explain what Jesus was addressing in Matthew 19:9 when He said, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." This verse also goes with Luke 16:18 which also adds that “and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
In the beginning of this chapter, some Pharisees asked Jesus “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” Jesus explained to them how God had originally established marriage between a man and a woman and that divorce was not a part of the picture, especially a divorce that was not recognized by the law. However, the Pharisees were not happy with that response and they pressed Him more asking why Moses told them to give their wives a certificate of divorce. (Divorce, in Moses’ day was becoming very common. Seneca an early Jewish historian tells about one woman who had been divorced 25 times and she was married to a man who had been divorced 23 times.) With this knowledge, the Pharisees came to trap Jesus. Jesus told them that Moses allowed them to divorce their wives because of the hardness of their hearts, but it was not that way from the beginning. After stating this He made the statement in verse nine.
So what else was Jesus addressing here? Before I can answer that, we must first clear up what He actually said. Jesus spoke Hebrew, but our New Testament was translated from the Greek. There are places in the New Testament when the translation of certain words changed the meaning of what was being said and this is one of those cases. Our bibles read as follows: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Based on this translation you would believe that anyone who gets divorce except for marital unfaithfulness (sexual immorality) and remarried would be committing adultery. Based on what we had already discussed, this could not be totally accurate. The mistranslation of the word “and” between the two words unfaithfulness and marries changes the verse completely and thus have caused many good people to believe they are living in sin for getting a justified divorce and remarrying. So how should the verse read according to the Hebrew – which was the language Jesus spoke? It should read "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, in order to marry another woman commits adultery." And when you tie in what is recorded in Luke 16:18, the one who marries the divorce woman would also be committing adultery. So what Jesus was saying was that if a man gives a certificate of divorce to his wife in order to marry someone else, that man when he remarries is committing adultery and the man who marries his divorced wife would be committing adultery. The reason for this is that the divorce was invalid because the husband did not have a valid reason to get the divorce in the first place. He wanted to marry someone else so he divorced his first wife to marry the second. In this case Jesus said the man would be committing adultery after he married his second wife.
Now, why did Jesus answer in the Pharisees question in this manner? They ask could a man get divorced for any reason which included getting a divorce so that he could marry someone else. In His response, Jesus was addressing a debate that had been going on since before he was born. A few decades before Jesus was born, the two most famous rabbis, Hillel and Shammai, (each having their own schools and followers) debated the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24. Hillel noted the text said a man could divorce his wife for "a cause of sexual immorality." Since rabbis believed that every word in Scripture was there for a reason, Hillel decided that this word "cause" must refer to another ground for divorce besides sexual immorality and interpreted it to mean “any cause”. Hillel believed a man could leave his wife for any reason: from her wearing her hair unbound to burning the bread to not looking good when the man came home from the fields. Shammai, on the other hand, thought that Deut. 24 only referred to sexual immorality, and that this "any cause" divorce was wrong. As you can imagine, Hillel’s "any cause" divorce was very popular among Jewish men. It was much easier to get, though it was more expensive. It is possible that this is what Joseph was thinking of when he considered divorcing Mary "quietly" in Matthew 1:19, “quietly" being a technical term. By Joseph doing this quietly, he would graciously refuse to charge her with infidelity, and get an "any cause" divorce even though he’d still have to pay the bridal inheritance.
It is believed that when Jesus mentions divorce in the Gospels, he is articulating his position on the Shammai/Hillel debate. He was not necessarily talking about the legitimacy of divorce in general as that had already been established in the Law of Moses. Also, no rabbi would have asked Him, "Is it ever lawful for someone to divorce?" because it would have been like asking, "Is it ever lawful to do what Moses said in the law?" It was already lawful to get a divorce so Jesus was not addressing the “lawfulness” but how it was implemented by those who believed they could divorce for any reason. Jesus’ original hearers understood the Hillel-Shammai "any cause" debate but if we did not know this we could misunderstand what was acceptable with divorce. Jesus sided with Shammai on the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1. But Jesus and Paul would also have shared the rabbinic understanding that divorce is regrettable but permissible when the vow of fidelity, provision, or love had been broken and there is no repentance. Now lets look at what Paul says about divorce.
IV. What Paul Says About Divorce
In 1 Corinthians the 7th chapter Paul addresses marriage. He addressed it based on his understanding of the rabbinic law and the teachings of Jesus. Paul was addressing an issue that arose within the Corinthian Church. There were those who thought they could do whatever they wanted with their bodies including having multiple partners and there was another group who thought they were so spiritual that they could override normal sexual appetite, even within their marriage. Paul starts this chapter by saying that a man should fulfill his marital duties to his wife and vice-versa. Remember, this was one of the grounds for divorce as already explained. He states that a couple should not deprive one another except for a time of prayer – but it must be by mutual consent. But he also stated that they should come back together so that they are not tempted by Satan. After saying this, we get to the famous statement in verse 9 where Paul states if a person is unmarried and cannot control themselves, it is better to marry than to burn with passion. In verse 10, we come to the parts that Churches have used for their doctrine. It states:
“To the married I give you this command (not I, but the Lord); a wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife……15. But if the unbelieving leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances.” I Corinthians 10, 11, 15
In these verses Paul is talking to believers, not non-believers. He told them that God says that they were to stay together and fulfill their marital rights to their spouse. Remember, Paul was familiar with the laws and what were acceptable grounds for divorce, he just expected Christians in their walk with Christ, to fulfill their vows without question and thus divorce would not be happening. However, he was not overriding what the law had already established, he was trying to help the Christians rise to a higher calling and understanding of the importance of marriage. He was speaking both from the teachings of Christ and the law. When he transitions to the 15th verse he is still speaking to believers, but he is addressing a believer who is married to an unbeliever. In this case also, Paul says his direction was that if an unbelieving spouse leaves, the believing spouse was free. However, you must remember that earlier he said if that same unbelieving spouse wanted to say married to the believing spouse, that the believing spouse must not divorce their unbelieving spouse because that same unbelieving spouse could become saved through the actions of the spouse who is a believer. Paul says in later verses that if someone married before they were saved, they should not think it was okay to get divorce because they were now saved and their spouse was not. Again, he was confirming what he had said earlier. Also he references that what was done before you were saved is not held accountable to you after you were saved. So if you got divorced before you were saved, or had knowledge of God as far as your personal relationship, once you got saved is when you became accountable. What you do from that point forward is what counts towards your salvation. Remember, when we are saved, we start a new life. If you are divorced, move on with your life. If your divorce was justifiable, forgive the one who hurt you and live your life. If you divorced for the wrong reason and you were saved when you did it and are remarried, ask God to forgive you and stay married to the one you’re married to now. Life for God.
V. Reason To Not Get Divorce
I have shared with you the reasons that a divorce can happen from a scriptural basis although I am sure there are other reasons that can possibly fit the criteria. However, with all of this said, I must remind you of reasons that are not acceptable for getting a divorce so that there is balance.
• "We don’t love each other anymore." Guess what - that’s not good enough. If the only reason you got married was because of an emotional buzz you got from being around each other, you got married for the wrong reason. But that does not give you the right to make another wrong by divorcing.
• "The spice has gone out of our marriage." That one doesn’t cut it either! There is more to marriage than love, and there is more to marriage than the physical "spice," as wonderful as that is.
• Here’s a third unacceptable reason: "I’m just not happy anymore, and God wants me to be happy." Let me just clue you in on something. That is one of the most selfish attitudes in the world. Yes, God wants us to live a full and abundant life. But not at the expense of abandoning a covenant and hurting those who love you.
• “My spouse is not good with money.” Sorry, take a financial management course.
• “My spouse is old.” Sorry, but you probably are too.
Understand, regardless of the reason you come up with for a divorce if you choose to go that route, you do not have to answer to Rodney, you must answer to God. If your reason is not what it should be, I will never know, again that is between you and God. My purpose in this message was to give you some background from a spiritual perspective so that you will have a foundation for those times when you may have to talk to others.
Conclusion
Divorce is not a good thing even when it is done with both parties being amiable towards the other. It hurts the couple going through the divorce, their children, the in-laws and extended family, all of their friends and their church family. This is why divorces are not private affairs; they cannot be unless you live alone on an island. But divorce will happen and when they do, we as a Church must be ready to forgive and help with the healing process. We should not be engaged in judging the individuals for “not being able to keep their marriage together” as some often will do. I hear people say, "You know, there is no innocent party. If he’s running around it’s probably because she didn’t meet his needs at home." Well, it’s true that both partners are flawed. That’s true in my marriage and yours, but that doesn’t justify divorce. There may not be a total innocent party but there is a faithful party and an unfaithful party. I know some Christians who have been destroyed by an unfaithful partner who are victims and when they go to church they are guilt ridden & devastated. We need to be careful not to make them feel put down or second class.
I will close this message with a letter that was written by a Pastor’s wife. She discovered that her husband had had an affair. Following a counseling session and upon investigation, she found out that there were a whole pattern of affairs, not one, not two, but a series. There were attempts to reconcile but there was an unrepentant spirit on the part of her husband and continuous immoral escapades. Finally with a broken heart she said “I have no recourse. For the protection of my children and for the protection of my life with Christ, I’ve got to leave.” Here is the letter she wrote and I share it with you so that you may always remember the pain of the ones who go through a divorce and what they may be feeling about themselves. This goes for men and women. Although this letter was written by a woman, I’ve know good men who were devastated by their wives leaving them.
“Divorce was a foreign word to me. It wasn’t even in my vocabulary. Being reared in a preacher’s home and marrying a preacher, I never even entertained the thought. Divorce would never happen to me. I felt guaranteed security and lifelong commitment. But it did happen and my high ideals came crashing down. I felt ashamed, exposed and rejected. My self-esteem? I had none. I’d lost my husband, my home, my financial security, my church family and my life seemed hopeless. I doubted God would ever use me again and wondered if He could forgive me for getting a divorce no matter what the circumstances. I felt like I took on a new status- labeled as a "divorcee"-someone who tried hard but couldn’t make it work. And even though no one said it, I felt like a second class citizen at Church. Several years have come and gone and I’ve picked up the pieces of my life and started over. I still struggle with accepting forgiveness, not from God, but from myself. What did I do to cause this? But it is a process, one that requires a great deal of effort. Satan uses my doubts and fears to build a wall between God and me. The pain and rejection never, ever completely go away. We only learn to deal with it all."
I know that I have not answered all of your questions and please feel free to contact me if you have more. If you would like a copy of this message to help you with your own research on this topic, I can send it to you. I hope that this has given you a start towards your understanding of this sensitive subject, but more so that each of us will have more compassion for those who have gone through a divorce. May God bless and keep you is my prayer.
