The Big Secret
(of getting along with People)
Praise
Give Honest Sincere Appreciation
2 Cor. 13:11
Ephesians 4:29
I What do People want or need?
I disagree with much of what these men teach, but on this point I think they are correct.
Sigmund Freud said everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. (Only the second one I kind of agree with)
John Dewey- Well know philosopher “The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.”
William James -“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”
JC Staehle did an analysis of workers in America and found the no #1 cause of dissatisfaction among employees was their superiors’ failure to give them credit. It is difficult to follow someone who doesn’t appreciate them for what they are and what they do. P44 Maxwell
Lincoln once began a letter “Everybody likes a compliment”.
We had a neighbor when I was growing up who would bring us garden vegetables, and it gave him great pleasure to have the earliest tomatoes. Largest radishes. Or the most different type or hybrid. He wanted the newest and fastest car. He used to say, “I could come up the hill in third gear, and so and so has that new.... and he can’t do it.
It is the desire to be important that motivates people to do a lot of the things they do. Soldiers, Firefighters, Preachers, Politicians, etc.
Some of them good and some bad
-It is the desire to feel important that makes people want to wear the latest styles, drive expensive cars, and take about their brilliant children.
-It also lures boys and girls into gangs, immorality, and criminal activities.
One time New York Police commissioner E.P. Mulrooney said the average young criminal is filled with ego, and the first request after the arrest is for the newspapers to make him a hero. So he can gloat over the fact his picture was sharing space with other sports and movie stars.
How do get your feeling of Importance?
Dale Carnegie said, “If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. It determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.
John D Rockefeller felt important by giving money to erect a modern in Peking China, to care for millions of poor people he would never see.
John Dillinger felt important by being a bandit, band robber, and killer. When the FBI agents were hunting him, he ran into a farmhouse up in Minnesota and said, “I’m Dillinger!” He was proud of the fact that he was public Enemy #1. “I’m not going to hurt you, but I’m Dillinger!” he said.
One significant difference was how they got their feeling of importance.
Mike Vick - Street props
History is full of examples of famous people struggling with feelings of importance.
-George Washington -wanted to be called “His Mightiness, the President of the US
-Christopher Columbus -pleaded for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India”
-Catherine the Great- refused to open letters not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty”
-Mrs Lincoln -In the White House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted, “How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you!”
Victor Hugo- aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor.
People even become invalids in order to get sympathy, attention , and a sense of importance.
Mrs McKinley p22
She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband, the president of the US, to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his arm around her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting he remain with her while she had her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with his secretary of state.
That is why it needs to come under the Lordship of Jesus so this out of control desire can fill it rightful place.
II The Problem - We Live in a Put Down World
A. The Selfish Nature Within-the cause
The problem with this is that selfish nature wants to be important too much, and we can’t allow anyone else to be important without having to one up them.
I got a 7 point buck this year. -should say -“That is great do you have a picture.”
We say -“That’s nothing I got a 9 point last year.”
I was valavictorian . Should say - “That’s wonderful”. We say - “Was there like 7 in your class. There was 300 in my class.”
We got 3 coon last night. We Should say -“ That is really good. Last night was a bad night.”
We say - “If you had a dog as good as mine you would have got 6.”
We always have to one up others.
That is not loving your neighbor as yourself. That is not doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. Is it?
B. The Selfish Put Down Culture Without- the effect
Only secure people in their own value can allow others to be important
We live in a put down age. Put down’s abound. Insults. It has become the way friends and spouses treat each other.
Put-downs
1.
You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They’d all like to throw you down one...
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception
Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?
I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
Why don’t you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don’t have the film.
Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?
If they made hats the size of his brain he would be wearing a peanut shell.
Isiah Thomas - In his Sexual Harrassment deposition
A bizarre deposition given by the coach of The New York Knicks in a sexual harassment suit has attracted much attention in the media. During the testimony, former Detroit Pistons legend Isiah Thomas suggested that when a black man refers to a woman as a "b...." it’s less offensive than when a white man does the same.
"White men better not call a black woman ’b....’ around Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, but if black men do it - well, that’s fair game," Kati Cornell writes in Tuesday’s New York Post.
"I’m sorry to say, I do make a distinction," Thomas said in a videotaped admission viewed by a Manhattan federal jury yesterday.
"A white man calling a black female ’bi..,’ that is wrong with me. I am not accepting that. That’s a problem for me," he said.
But asked if he’d have a problem with a black man calling a black woman "b....h," Thomas said, "Not as much." (From www.therawstory.com)
III What does the Bible Command?
2 Cor. 13:11
Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Rejoice. Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.
1 Thess 5:11
So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing
Hebrew 3:13
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
Eph 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others
Prov 27:2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.
WE ARE TO BUILD UP IN A PUT DOWN WORLD.
1. We encourage by the words of our mouth or our deeds. Primarily our words spoken or written.
Encouragement is oxygen to the soul. George M. Adams
Stevie Wonder p28 Carnegie
Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts of The Rest of the Story, showed how sincere appreciation can change a persons life. He told of a teacher in Detroit years ago asked Stevie Morris to help her find a mouse lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated the fact that nature had given Stevie something no one in the class had. Because he had been born blind he had developed a remarkable sense of hearing. But this was the first time anyone had shown appreciation for his keen sense of hearing. Years later we can see how important it was looking back. The boy was Stevie Wonder one of the great pop singers and song writers of the seventies.
Wesley’s letter to Wilberforce p56
John Wesley wrote a letter of encouragement to Wiberforce to help him in his fight to abolish slavery. Wesley died 4 days later. It took four decades of discouraging conflict before England outlaws slavery. When he got discouraged and wanted to quit Wiberforce got Wesley’s letter out to read it again.
2. The old Carnal Self will not allow this to happen often.
-It will flatter to get something in return
-It will get upset when others get praised instead of him. (They don’t praise other, and can’t stand it if others do -unless its them that is getting praised.)
-It spends all its time and energy thinking about how this affects ME (95%)> and never looks at the other person side.
3. Only the Truly Sanctified living the crucified life can obey this word consistently.
Doug and I spoke of over 20 years of pastoring a combined 8 holiness we concluded there are few who really have been sanctified wholly. Most have a nasty switch that gets thrown on a regular basis.
John Maxwell - Adding value to others. Becoming a Person of Influence.
“If you treat every person you meet as if he or she were the most important person in the world, you’ll communicate that he or she is somebody-to you.
Difference between Flattery and Appreciation
-Flattery is used selfishly to get what you want. Appreciation is unselfish
-One is sincere and the other is not
-One comes from the heart out, the other from the mouth out
The Bible soundly condemns flattery
Psalms 5:9 My enemies cannot speak one truthful word. Their deepest desire is to destroy others. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. Their speech is filled with flattery.
William A. Ward. “Flatter me and I may not believe you. Criticize me and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.”
Charles Schwab -
In 1921 the first person to make one million dollars a year, when a person making $50. A week was well off, was Charles Schwab. He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of U.S. Steel Company.
Why did Andrew Carnegie pay him so much? Because he was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the steel business? No. He said many under him knew much more about steel than he did. It was his ability to deal with people.
When asked by Dale Carnegie what was his secret he said, “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people.” “The greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person by appreciation and encouragement.”
“There is nothing else that kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone... I believe in giving a person incentive to work.. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault...
Conclusion:
Helen P. Mrosla -a teaching nun p44-46 Maxwell Person of Influence
Helen taught Mark Eklund in third grade and again in junior high math. One Friday the lesson wasn’t going well and the class was bickering, so Helen asked the kids to make a list of all the kids in the class and write the nicest thing they could think about each one. They did and turned it in, and on Saturday she made each student a paper with all the nice things the class had said about him or her on it. On Monday the class was so surprised at all the nice things others had said about them, and all the bickering stopped.
Several years had past and Helen was picked up at the airport by her parents. As they drove home they asked if she remembered Mark Eklund? She said yes -how is he. They said he was killed in Vietnam, and his parents called and asked if you could attend his funeral. Helen went to the funeral, and to the funeral dinner out on the farm. His parents pulled out Mark’s billfold and took out an two old pieces of paper taped, folded and refolded many times, and asked if she remembered it. It was the paper she had compiled from Junior high. They said Mark had it on him when he died and they wanted to thank her. They said, “as you can see Mark treasured it very much.” Other classmates chimed in saying they also had kept the letter. Chuck had his in the top drawer in his desk at home. John’s wife said, “John asked me to put his in our wedding album. Marilyn said hers was in her diary. Vicki reached into her pocketbook and took out her wallet and showed here worn and frazzled list to the group. She said she kept it with her all the time. “I guess we all saved our lists” Vicky concluded. Helen said I sat down and cried. She never imagined the power of encouragement, and its long lasting effects.
I want you to write a note of encouragement to someone before you leave this morning.
Sources: Winning Friends and Influencing People -Dale Carnegie
Becoming a Person of Influence - John Maxwell
