I don’t know about you, but I love Mexican food. And I have found out something very important about eating Mexican food: No matter what you order, it always tastes better if you put some salsa on it.
It is good without the salsa, but it is even better with it. Why? Because salsa is made up of seasonings and spices, and in the right mixture, spices add much flavor. That’s where they get the old saying, “Spice up your life.”
If you think about it, you can spice up any area of your life to make it more flavorful; more exciting; and more interesting. You can spice up your relationship with Jesus by adding reading time and prayer time to your daily life. You can spice up your church experience by attending more and getting more involved. And you can spice up your marriage by devoting more time and thought to putting it first, even above your own personal desires.
Now, talking about desires, it is necessary to point out that men and women generally have two different priority lists. This is made evident in an email I received this past week. It is supposed to be from a man writing Dear Abby.
He tells her that he thinks his wife is cheating on him, and he gives her several situations that point to that. Then he says she went out for a night on the town and when it came time for her to come home, he went out and hid at the side of the garage, crouched down behind his motorcycle.
He said that is when he noticed it was leaking oil. Then he asked for her advice … should he try to fix it himself or have the dealer fix it? That shows how husbands and wives tend to think on different levels. And to have a happy marriage, it is necessary to realize that and work with it.
In every marriage, each partner must strive to continually communicate openly with each other. And that means thinking about your spouses feelings instead of just thinking about your feelings.
When you cross that river from single life to married life, it is like going into uncharted territory, isn’t it? Most of us go into marriage thinking everything is going to be fine ever after. It doesn’t take long, however, to realize that everything will not be fine ever after. Marriage is filled with many difficulties, many of which can derail the marriage and hurt your spouse.
One area that can cause problems in a marriage is when one person forgets.
SHOW CLIP OF JEN & DAVE
What was Dave’s downfall? He got so busy doing other things, he forgot to remember something that meant very much to his wife. He forgot their anniversary. And then, he did what many of us have been guilty of; he tried to cover it up without really putting any thought into it.
Whether you are the husband or the wife, one very critical thing to remember in the marriage relationship is to strive to always make your spouses feelings one of your highest priorities.
There are several points I want to make about marriage. The first being …
1. MARRIAGE IS BASED ON LOVE AND RESPECT
God created marriage for our fulfillment and happiness. And since God is the One who created it, we should do everything we can to keep God at the center of it.
Did you know that there are times when the husband is the stronger of the two? And what does he do during these times? He offers support to the wife, doesn’t he? Why does he do this? He does this because he has an instinct in his heart to love, help, and protect his wife.
And then there are times when the wife is the stronger of the two. During these times, she must work at not being his boss, or the leader of the home. Here is what the Lord says about how they must feel towards one another.
EPHESIANS 5:25 says,
‘Husbands, love your wives.’
EPHESIANS 5:33 says,
‘… and the wife must respect her husband.’
Okay, how many of you husbands act in a way that doesn’t show love to your wives? How many of you wives act in such a way that shows no respect towards your husbands?
The husband is commanded by God to love his wife. That isn’t an option; it is an order he has been given. But even so, it seems that sometimes, the love and respect slip away and our marriage starts to erode. We must realize that the love is still there, as strong as it ever was, but we don’t see it because the devil has let problems creep into your marriage that overshadow the love.
Marriage is built upon one principal. That principle is love. God created this institution in love, and He expects us to react in this institution in love. But the only way you can show real love to your spouse, if it is the same love God has given to you. So it becomes all the more important to make sure God is at the center of your union.
But after a while, it seems the relationship isn’t what you originally envisioned. And it is not long before you realize …
2. THE HONEYMOON IS OVER
Even though your marriage starts in love, what happens? Very quickly you start to see all kinds of problems creep into your relationship.
If it isn’t one of you leaving the top off the toothpaste, it is the other one snoring and hogging the covers all night. At first, these things may seem like a cute little oddity, but if they are repeated daily, they can grow to become a nuisance that creates much friction. And with friction, come short attitudes and words of correction.
We have to be very careful. Love might be the dream, but marriage can very easily be the alarm clock. A wise person will know what to guard against, and a wise couple will work together to guard against those things that could otherwise ruin their marriage.
Having an attitude is one of them. A woman told her friend that when she met her husband, she thought he was Mr. Right. She said it turned out after the wedding, she was married to Mr. Always-Has-To-Be-Right.
During times of stress in a marriage, it is common for each person to discount the importance of the other, both in the marriage role and even as a human. But in reality, God created the husband and wife to be equal halves of the whole. He gave them different responsibilities, but those responsibilities, used in love, will strengthen and mature the marriage relationship.
In GENESIS 1:27, it tells us how God created man (both male and female) in His own image. It doesn’t say He created one to be better or more important. And it doesn’t say that one of them is more in the image of God than the other one is.
In GALATIANS 3:26-28, we see where God even created us equal in essence.
‘For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free; male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.’
During the dark times in a marriage, it is necessary to remember that each person is equal in the eyes of God. If your desire is to criticize your mate for the things he or she has done, remember that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. We are all guilty, and therefore, it is not up to us to condemn the other. For how do we like it when they condemn us – because we have failed them, too?
I saw these seven rules of marriage in a magazine.
1. The wife will make the rules and allow her husband to announce them.
2. No husband is allowed know all the rules.
3. If he ends up knowing all the Rules, she must immediately change them.
4. She is never wrong – when it seems she is, it is only a misunderstanding.
5. If it looks like she did something wrong, he must apologize quickly.
6. She can change her mind at any time.
7. He must have written consent prior to any change of mind.
Let me now give you my rules for a sound marriage.
1. Pray for God to help you and your spouse grow closer.
2. Pray for protection over your spouse.
3. Show a genuine interest in the things your spouse is feeling.
4. Hug your spouse ever day.
5. Tell your spouse you love them daily.
6. Never go to sleep without renewing your commitment to one other.
7. Never say anything negative about your spouse to anybody, for any reason.
Even though marriage is created in Heaven, so is lightning and thunder. Your relationship started off with an engagement ring, and that was replaced with a wedding ring. Do everything you can to prevent that from being replaced with suffer-ring.
Gold is a beautiful metal, but not given the proper upkeep, it will tarnish into an ugly looking mess. But with a little work, that tarnish can be replaced with the beauty of the gold once again. When marriages get tarnished, they too can be salvaged with some loving work. I call that …
3. ADDING SALSA TO YOUR MARRIAGE
I love Chicken Chimichungas. Whenever Diana and I go to a Mexican restaurant, I always order one. They are delicious. But as I said earlier, it is always better when I add the salsa. I love chips, too. And they are always better when you scoop some salsa into them. The spices in salsa add so much to the flavoring.
And when you add a bit of spice to your marriage, it adds more flavor. It is like going out on a camping trip and building a big bonfire. But if you leave the bonfire unattended, what happens? It burns down to smoldering embers. If you put more wood on it, it once again starts to burn bright and hot.
Marriage will tarnish as the gold does, and the heat will go out of a marriage when it is left unattended, too. Johnny Cash and his wife, June Carter had a song many years ago entitled, “Cold as the Ashes.” This song talked about a relationship when the fire went out.
Here are four ways that will build up the fire of passion in your marriage. I suggest you pay attention to them and begin using them in your marriage.
1) THE FIRST WAY IS TO SET ASIDE SPECIAL TIME
John Maxwell, the author, said the number one characteristic unsuccessful people share is they waste their time.
How often are you too busy to pay attention to your spouse? What makes you so busy? Is it watching Oprah, or maybe the game on TV? Is it that you are so busy taking care of all the things that need to be done that you have no time to offer your loving attention to your spouse?
If you don’t take the initiative in creating regular one-on-one time with your husband or wife, who do you think will?
Even Jesus took special time to stop ‘doing’ and pay attention.
MARK 1:35 show us,
‘Early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.’
Do you want your relationship to cool off? I guarantee you that if you don’t spend regular and focused time on it, it will.
Not many of us envisioned our life’s goal to be a couch potato or an unhappy spouse. If your marriage is there today, or if you see it heading there soon, start spending time fixing it. And you fix it, not by correcting or instructing, but by loving.
2) THE SECOND WAY IS TO USE LOVING WORDS
In the 3rd Chapter of JAMES, it tells us about the power of words. It talks about how a rudder that is very small can steer a massive ship, and how a small bit in a horses mouth can direct that horse in any direction.
It shows us that as small as our tongues are, they can have the ability to send us to hell. It says the power of life and death is in the tongue. And one thing we need to remember is that once a word is spoken, you will never get it back. If it is a loving word, the encouragement has already been done. If it is a harsh word, the destruction it caused has already been done.
Read PSALM 19:14
‘May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.’
We please God when we give Him words of worship. We will please our spouses when we give the words of love. And we will please our children when we give them words of encouragement.
When is the last time you did these things?
You want to add salsa to your marriage? Do what I am going to tell you. And the sooner you do it, the sooner your marriage will begin growing again.
Go home and take your spouse into the kitchen. Pull two chairs out and face them towards each other about a foot apart. Have your spouse sit in one and you sit in the other.
Reach over and take your spouse’s hands and tell them to look nowhere but in your eyes. When you are looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands, tell your spouse that you are going to tell them how you feel about them.
Then, being totally loving, tell them how happy you are that they are in your life, and that as Christ has forgiven your failings, you forgive their failings and you want them to forgive your failings.
Tell them how very much you love them and need them in your life. When you are done, ask them if they would want to tell you what they are feeling for you. If they don’t, do not get upset. Love them. A soft answer will turn away wrath and love will cover many sins.
3. THE THIRD WAY IS TO GIVE A GIFT
How many of you do NOT like to get gifts? Your spouse is the same way … they like to receive them, too.
1 CHRONICLES 16:29 says,
‘Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.’
When we tithe, it is like a birthday present – it is expected. But a love offering is what you give that is more than the tithe. It is an unexpected showing of your love.
Remember the time just before you were married? You would get excited over the thought of getting her something. Even if you couldn’t afford much, you made sure you got her something. Do it again. Your spouse will love the attention and time you spent on him or her.
Now, this is for the husbands. Do NOT show up with a gift of dishtowels or a new mop. This will not make her happy. Bring her a small bouquet of flowers or a new frying pan. Wives will not want tools for a love gift.
Now, for the wives. Husbands like getting tools.
Our passion and giving are connected; both toward God and toward our spouses.
4. AND THE FOURTH IS - DON’T LOSE THAT LOVING FEELING
Go back once more to just before you were married. Can you remember a time back then when you weren’t holding hands with each other? Can you remember a time when you didn’t try to sit so close to each other that your shoulders rubbed? And everything you said to each other was sugar and spice.
What is the difference between a couple at that stage of love and a couple who has been married for many years? Too many times, the couple who has been married for a long time has no more salsa added to their marriage. It is bland and without any spice or flavoring.
The young man tells his young love that she is so beautiful her face would stop time for eternity. The man who has been married for a long time will tell his wife that her face would stop a clock. One has the passion of love kindling the fire, and the other has a fire that has become smoldering embers.
I said our passion and our giving are connected. So is our passion and our body language. What does your body language show when you sing praises to the Lord in church? Does it show a heart full of passion, or does it show somebody who just stands and sings like a robot?
What does your body language show when you are near your spouse? Does it show someone who has grown so used to that person that there is no more passion left, or does it show someone who is still in love with their spouse?
When Diana and I are in the car, it is very common for us to hold hands, even if we aren’t talking. When we get out of the car, it is rare that we don’t hold hands as we go into a store.
Why? Because Diana and I truly value each other in our lives. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we do have a great marriage. In a perfect marriage, both people are identical – they are both perfect. That tells me that if both are identical, one of them isn’t needed!
I need her, and she needs me. And we feel passion. Sometimes we will get into arguments, as all married couples do, but we never go to sleep without telling each other we love them and making amends. Never.
The suggestions we covered today will help you reignite your relationship if it is simmering, but it will do much more, too. Those same principals will help to enhance relationships you have with friends, and most importantly, they will also bring you much closer to Jesus than you were - all by using these simple principals.
Analyze your three most important relationships: with God, with your spouse, and with your children (no matter how old they are.) No matter how good or bad they are, I guarantee you that if you implement these five suggestions into each one, you will see those smoldering embers come alive and turn into a hot burning fire once again.
During the invitation, I am going to ask those who want to make a public statement that they intend on doing this with their relationship with Jesus and with their families, to please come forward.
INVITATION
* - Illustration and movie clip from TighterKnot.com
