• Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV)
[21] Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
[22] Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
[25] Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [26] to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, [27] and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. [28] In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— [30] for we are members of his body. [31] "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." [32] This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. [33] However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
INTRODUCTION: Some fun hearing what kids think about husbands and wives.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
Alan, age 10—You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Kirsten, age 10—No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides for you, and then you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Camille , age 10—Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Freddie, age 6—No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
Derrick, age 8—You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Sally, age 9—If they look mad at each other they are probably married.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Lori, age 8—Both don’t want any more kids.
Billy age 7—They both want me to go to bed at 8 o’clock so mommy doesn’t get a headache.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
Pam, age 7—When they’re rich.
Curt, age 7—The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
Howard, age 8—The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
Anita, age 9—It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
David, age 7— If you like each other then it is better to be married especially if you want to kiss her.
ALL IN THE FAMILY – Today we are going to focus on perhaps the single most important family relationship: husbands and wives.
I. Submission is for everybody!
1. Put Paul’s instruction to husbands and wives in its context and don’t try to make it say something it doesn’t.
• Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)
[1] Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children [2] and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
a) Notice that Paul is talking to believers, so the instructions about marriage relationships are to Christian husbands and Christian wives. This is where Paul lays a foundation FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS including your relationship with your spouse. “Be imitators of God . . . live a life of love.”
b) Some people want a marriage made in heaven. It seems to me that a good marriage is made on earth by two people going to heaven!
2. Paul continues giving instructions on how Christians are to live their lives. Put simply we are to live differently from people who are still in the world and have no relationship with Christ.
• Ephesians 5:3-21 (NIV)
[3] But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. [4] Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. [5] For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. . .
[8] For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light . . . [10] and find out what pleases the Lord. [11] Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. . .
[15] Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, [16] making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. [17] Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. [18] Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. [19] Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, [20] always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
a) All of this is foundational to how we are supposed to live as Christians. If Jesus is your Lord and Savior then God has high expectations for the way you live; don’t think you can just live as you please. But notice Paul does not stop there; look carefully at verse 21.
[21] Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
b) SUBMISSION IS FOR EVERYONE! None of us are supposed to lord it over people. As followers of Jesus we worship the Lord in how we relate to each other by having a mutual love and respect for all believers. None of us are to get all puffed up with pride and demand to be recognized as being number 1. We are all members of God’s family, brothers and sisters in Christ; therefore submit to one another.
3. The foundation for the husband and wife relationship is based upon living our lives as children of God in submission to one another.
a) Ladies don’t get uptight and take on a feminist defensive attitude that is so prevalent in our culture today.
b) Men don’t get all demanding with your wives either; you are to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.
c) Typically it’s “Ladies before gentlemen,” and Paul even addresses wives first, but we’re going to start with the men. Paul does this because within the marriage relationship he reveals the mystery of the relationship between Christ and the church (that’s us). But we’re going to try to pull this a part and look at husbands, wives and then the mystery, so if you have your bibles keep them open to Ephesians 5.
d) Husbands (and all you young husbands to be) God recognizes you as the head of your family so we’re going to start by focusing on God’s expectations for Christian husbands.
II. Husbands love your wives.
1. The husband is the head—the buck stops with us guys!
• Ephesians 5:23 (NIV)
For the husband is the head of the wife. . .
a) Husbands and wives are to submit to each other in reverence unto Christ, but God has established that the husband is the head over the wife. Within a family there must ultimately be a position of leadership and final authority and that role has been given to husbands.
b) As such as the head over the wife, I believe husbands will be judged more severely than wives for how they manage their family in the same way that pastors must endure a stricter judgment for the position of spiritual authority God has given to them over the church.
• Hebrews 13:17 (MsgB)
Be responsive to your pastoral leaders. Listen to their counsel. They are alert to the condition of your lives and work under the strict supervision of God. . .
“as men who must give an account to God” (NIV)
c) We all will be judged by the Lord, but those God gives authority are responsible for how they handle that position of leadership. Men don’t lord over you wives and children just because you are the head; you will be held responsible before God and the Lord will hold you accountable for your spiritual pride, for having a heavy hand of leadership to force your family into submission, or even for simply manipulating your family to get your way. Be careful that as the head of your family you lead in such a way as to please the Lord.
ILLUSTRATION: In nearly 25 years of marriage Susie and I have gone through a lot together. In most situations we have thankfully agreed with each other; on a few occasions we have seen things differently. Now her memory may be clearer than mine, but when we have come to those times of disagreement I have decided to agree with her rather than do things my way and force her to have to submit to my authority. In doing this I don’t abdicate my position as head, I still made the choice, but I make a choice that builds unity and trust within our family.
2. Men we commanded to love our wives; this is not just a suggestion.
• Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
a) But what kind of love are we to have for our wives? We are to love our wives with the same love Jesus has for us. Our love is not to be selfish or self-gratifying. Our love is to be SACRIFICIAL, to put our wives first in everything even to the laying down of our wants and desires, to love with everything we have.
b) This kind of love is not a noun—its not warm fuzzys or an emotional feeling that may come and go. This kind of love is a verb; it is a love that takes action, a love that is a choice a decision and act of our will.
• Ephesians 5:28-29 (NIV)
[28] In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.
c) Any time I do or say anything that hurts Susie in any way then in that moment I do not love her. I am to love her in such a way as to nurture and care for her; she should be the best she can be because I love her above anything else.
ILLUSTRATION: I’m not much of a gardener, unless growing weeds qualifies you as a gardener. To have a healthy and growing garden you have to nurture it. You water it and give it some fertilizer; you pull up the weeds, protect it from insects and other things that I’m just obviously not good at. In the same way you are rewarded with a bountiful harvest when you nurture and care for your wife and family they will respond with even more love for you. You always reap more than you sow. (Even for bad gardeners like me.)
d) I’m to love Susie just as I love my own body. I may go out with the Rangers for a campout and rough it for a few days, but believe me I look forward to taking a shower, washing my hair shaving and brushing my teeth. I may not be the most physically fit of men, but I do what I can to stay fit; If I’m sick or in pain then I’m one of the first to look for relief. If I take care of myself, then I need to care as much or more for Susie and my family; that’s what it means to love her as Christ has loved the church. She is first and I’ll do anything to see that her needs are met because I love her.
III. Wives submit to your husbands.
1. The “S” word that so many women today despise because they don’t understand it: submission.
• Ephesians 5:22-23 (NIV)
[22] Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
a) Let me again point out the context. The submission of the wife to her husband is a MUTUAL SUBMISSION IN REVERENCE TO THE LORD; in other words submission is working both ways.
b) Yet the wife further submits to her husband because she recognizes that God has set him over her as a head is over a body, and as Christ is over the church.
c) Ladies, when your husband first willingly submits to you in reverence to the Lord, and when he loves you in the same way the Christ has loved the church, when his love is unselfish and seeks to meet your needs ahead of his own, then let me ask you a simple question? Who would not want to submit to a man who love you like that? It is easy to submit to a husband who will never do anything to take advantage of his wife but always has her best interests in mind.
2. But should wives submit to her husband in EVERYTHING?
• Ephesians 5:24 (NIV)
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
a) Now if you just read verse 24 then you would have to say that everything means . . . well everything. But look at the context. Is Paul saying that a wife must submit to the ungodly even immoral desires of her husband (who may or may not be a believer)? NO! Paul is describing the relationship between a Christian husband and a Christian wife; he is talking to believers who are learning to daily live their lives as an imitator of God, to live a life of love, to avoid evil and every kind of immorality, to live as children of light who have come out of darkness!
b) So ladies if your husband asks you to do something that is clearly a sin against God—whether he is a believer who is still learning to work out his salvation in a life of obedience to the Lord, or if he is an unbeliever—then ladies you don’t have to submit to ungodliness and sin.
c) However let me be quick to point out that if your husband is not a believer, then his spiritual condition does not give you a license to not be submissive to him at all.
• 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)
[1] Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, [2] when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
d) Ladies you still need to honor your unbelieving husband with how you willingly submit to his leadership in your home. Why so that through your life he will see the reality of God’s love at work in you! (And this same principle would apply to husbands with wives who are not believers; just because she may not be a Christian you are still to love her in the same way Christ has loved us—Jesus died for us while we were still sinners!) No loopholes or easy way out; we are to submit to each other out of reverence to Christ.
3. This is God’s plan for marriage – UNTIL SEPARATED BY DEATH.
• Ephesians 5:31 (NIV)
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
a) Paul makes the strongest argument possible for why the relationship between husbands and wives should be this way; he argues from creation. He looks all the way back to Adam and Eve to show that God’s intention is for husbands and wives to be joined together as one flesh.
b) This carries a greater meaning than just the sexual union that makes a man and woman one. In marriage two people are joined together as one that little can happen to one without it affecting the other. Furthermore through the marriage union husbands and wives nurture and care for each other; they anticipate each other’s needs and strive to help each other become all that they can be. I would not be the person I am today except that Susie has helped me to grow and develop in ways that I could not have done without her help.
ILLUSTRATION: Glynn Wolfe lived 88 years; he was born July 25th 1908 and died June 10th 1997. He died alone in a nursing home in Redlands, California where no one visited him and no one came to claim the body. Wolfe died with $430 to his name which was used to give him a pauper’s funeral. What makes Glynn Wolfe’s death so unique is that he had been married 29 times, a world record. 29 times Wolfe said “I do;” 29 times he said “until death we do part.” Unfortunately it never worked out that way. His shortest marriage lasted 19 days, and his longest lasted seven years. He reportedly died leaving behind 19 children, 40 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren together with many living ex-wives, and innumerable ex-in-laws, but he died alone, and no one came to the funeral. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe)
c) Amazingly Glynn Wolfe was also a Baptist minister! Apparently he was married so often because he didn’t want to live in sin. I have to believe that Glynn Wolfe knew that things certainly did not turn out the way God intended when each of his marriages came to an end.
d) The Bible says “the two will become one flesh;” when asked about divorce Jesus also pointed to the creation account and the union of husband and wife as one flesh. Jesus explained that what God has joined together as one man should not separate; the marriage union is to be until parted death.
e) Husbands are to love their wives; wives are to submit to their husbands. And Paul says that somehow the Christian marriage relationship is really a picture of God’s relationship with us through Christ Jesus.
IV. The mystery of the husband wife relationship.
1. All along you thought it was just about the relationship between husbands and wives!
IT’S REALLY ALL ABOUT CHRIST AND THE CHURCH!
• Ephesians 5:32 (NIV)
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
a) Yes, Paul is talking about marriage, but what he is really talking about is our relationship with Christ. Look again at this passage but this time focus on what Paul says about Jesus’ relationship with us, His body, the Church.
• Ephesians 5:22-32 (NIV)
[22] Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
[25] Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [26] to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, [27] and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. [28] In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— [30] for we are members of his body. [31] "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." [32] This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
b) Paul says more about Christ and the Church than he does husbands and wives! Christ has an unfailing love for us, a love that motivates Him to take action to meet our needs and care for us. He has united Himself to us and that union will never be broken for He will remain faithful and true to us His first love.
2. How well does your marriage picture the commitment Christ has made to the world?
a) I know none of us are perfect and we are all prone to make mistakes in how we treat each other as husbands and wives. Not even Susie and I are perfect in how we love each other all the time, but we are committed to keep on loving, to forgive and remain faithful to each other. Perfect no, but striving to follow the example Jesus has set for us, yes that’s our goal!
b) Here’s the amazing truth—Jesus is perfect, yet He has decided to love us who are not perfect.
• Romans 5:8 (MsgB)
But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.
c) Jesus loves us just the way we are, but He has not left us that way. He has made it possible for our sins to be forgiven by His death on the cross. He has given us His Spirit to empower us to live a transformed life free from sin. He has given us eternal life so we can live with Him forever. His commitment and love for us is unmatched.
d) And now Paul says that the relationship between two imperfect people in marriage, but people who are committed to growing in their relationship with Christ, that the love of husbands and wives pictures the love and commitment Jesus has made to us.
e) So how well does your marriage reflect God relentless commitment to us?
3. It is up to us to live out mutual submission to each other in reverence to Christ as wives submit to their husbands as the head of their home and husbands love their wives unselfishly putting her first in all things just as Christ has loved us.
We are called to live it our in our marriages!
• Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
CONCLUSION: 4 ideas to enrich your marriage and help you have the relationship God has intended for you to have, a relationship that will more and more reflect God’s unfailing love to your children and the world in which we live:
1. Practice unselfish love. That’s what God desires for both husbands and wives, to just love each other without ulterior motives.
2. Discover each other’s needs and try to meet them.
3. Talk with each other not to each other; “communicate-talk with sentences."
4. Grow together spiritually through prayer and bible study.
Any other practical ideas my wife would want to add?
