Every Tuesday in September, and there are five of them, I will be facilitating a group entitled "Living After Loss." As I have thought about you this past week,
I realized there’s one word that applies, or will apply, to all of us, and that word is grief. How many unmentioned needs are in the hearts of people, and how many people are grieving or have grieved? Certainly, all of us will be hit hard by life. There will be a time for everyone of us to grieve and hurt.
People live for years with some other person, the most significant other person in their life. They love each other. They think alike. They work together. They plan together. Their lives are fused into one. Then one of them dies, and there is that terrible presence of an absence. The hardest thing to bear is the presence of an absence, and grief is the mechanism that God has given us to deal with it.
People live together, someone to whom you’ve pledged your life and love, and suddenly, they say, "I’m out of here. I’m gone." Divorce crumbles a home, and there’s grief. It’s a death that keeps on dying, and there’s hurt and pain.
Someone gives their life to a company, and one day, it’s announced that they have assassinated in a process called "down-sizing."
Someone gives their life to starting a business. They put everything into it.
It meant a great deal to them, and the business fails. There’s grief and loss.
Young people face grief and loss. A mother or dad leaves or dies, and there’s such grief and hurt. There’s someone at school they love very much. Someone they cared a great deal for dumps them and says, "I don’t want you in my life anymore," and it hurts. There’s grief and pain.
We could make this list go on and on, but there is a word from God about this for His people. Our text in I Thessalonians 4:13 says, "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve, as do the rest who have no hope." This tells us that there are different ways of grieving. You don’t have to grieve as people who have no hope. So there is a hope that can lead us through our grieving. There is a bad way to grieve and a good way to grieve, and it makes a difference. It’s very important how we grieve when life tumbles in on us.
Do you remember the name Danny Moore? Danny Moore was a relief pitcher. He lost the game that would have gotten his team into the World Series, and he couldn’t handle the grief after that failure. He took his life and the life of his wife because he lost a baseball game.
On the other hand, there was Dave Dravecky who did the very same thing about the very same time. He pitched and lost a game that lost his team the chance to go to the World Series. Dave Dravecky lost more than that. He found the reason he couldn’t throw hard that day was because he had a tumor in his arm. Eventually, they had to take his arm, and now they’ve taken his shoulder. Yet, Dave Dravecky, having lost that game and his career, has gone on to enthusiastically share his testimony of faith and hope all over this nation.
Now what’s the difference?
There is a way to grieve that is like this society, and there is a way to grieve that God recommends.
The Way The World Says To Grieve
I guess the best way to understand the way our society faces grief is portrayed in a story about a boy and let’s call him Johnny. When he was five years old, his dog died. That dog was very important to Johnny. He slept at the foot of his bed. He was with him all day long. They were best buddies, and now the dog was dead. Johnny’s heart was broken.
His life had tumbled in, and his dad said to him, "Don’t feel bad, son. We’ll get you another dog on Saturday." There you have it. Two ways our society deals with grief: Don’t feel bad. Bury your feelings and replace your loss. "We’ll get you another dog on Saturday."
After awhile, Johnny was a freshman in high school and fell head over heels in love with a girl. He had never been happier in his life, and then suddenly, she dumped him. She said, "I want you out of my life." He was hurting and grieving, and his mother gave him some "wonderful" advice. She said, "Johnny, don’t feel bad. There are other fish in the sea."
There it is again. He’s learning well now. To deal with grief in this society, first of all, you bury your feelings. Then you replace your loss and get on with life as quick as you can.
It’s a hard thing, those losses in life. In high school, my love life was like the turtle who fell in love with the army helmet. It didn’t work out too well.
It’s funny today, but when I saw Sheila (and I can’t remember her last name, now) when I saw Sheila at the skating rink wearing Kim Manning’s school jacket,
I was devastated.
Have you heard this? After misspelling relief last Sunday Night, you’re going to wonder that I would even attempt this.
A tree toad loved a she-toad
That lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad.
While three-toed toad was she.
The he-toad tree toad
Tried to gain the she-toad’s friendly nod
For the two-toed tree toad
Loved the ground the three-toed tree toad trod,
The he-toad tree toad tried in vain
To gain her friendship,
But from her tree toad bower
With her she-toad power
The three-toed toad
Vetoed him.
We all have those vetoes in life, and they hurt. We have that grief, and somebody says, "Don’t feel bad. There are other fish in the sea. Bury your feelings. Replace your losses."
One day, Johnny was sitting in math class, and they brought him a note.
It said, "Your grandfather has died, and your dad will be by to pick you up in a few minutes." He tried to hold back. He was very close to his granddad. He loved him very much, and this was certainly not expected. Finally, he just broke down and wept, putting his head down on his desk. His teacher didn’t know how to handle that, and so she sent him to a room to grieve alone until his daddy came to get him.
When he got home, his mother was in the living sobbing and hurting. He wanted so much to go in there and put his arms around her, grieve with her, and love her, but his dad said, "Son you mother needs to be alone. Why don’t you go up to your room? She’ll be up there in just a few minutes."
So here’s lesson number three on how our society grieves.
Grieve alone; grieve by yourself.
After awhile, Johnny realizes that he’s having a hard time forgetting his granddad. He thinks about all the Saturdays they fished, and when the fish weren’t biting, how they went swimming. He thinks about all the picnics and the Christmas Eves. All the holidays were hard for him. He kept thinking about his granddad. Finally, this bothered him so much he talked to his daddy about it. He said, "I just can’t get over granddad’s being gone. It’s hard for me." His dad said, "Well, son, just give it time, and time will heal."
There’s another way of handling grief in our society.
Have you kept track?
• Bury your feelings.
• Replace your losses.
• Grieve alone.
• Time will heal.
Well, he began thinking about all the things he wanted to say to his granddad but couldn’t. His granddad was gone now. He said, "I never thanked him for all the wonderful times, and I never said what I really wanted to say to him. I wish I had said, ’I love you, granddad,’ but I never said that." But by now, he had learned that in this society, you just live with your regrets. He understood that he was going to have to live with his regrets as long as he lived because that’s the way we do it in our society. So the temptation is: Don’t get close to anyone else because it’s going to bring regrets. It’s going to bring agony and a memory you can’t get away from.
The Way God Says To Grieve
And God has a way of grieving. I Thessalonians says, "I don’t want you to grieve like people grieve who have no hope." God’s people have a way of grieving.
The world says, "When you grieve, bury your feelings." God says, "When you grieve, you feel your feelings. You express your hurt."
When I was a boy in Sunday School and they asked us to recite our favorite Scripture, I was always the one who wanted to go first because I knew I could remember the Scripture, "Jesus wept," the shortest verse in the Bible. Other guys picked up on that and so it was always a race to see who could be called on so they could quote, "Jesus wept." Of course, there was always this one guy who would show off and quote some massive passage of Scripture ... isn’t there always a guy like that?
I’m glad that wonderful verse is in the Bible. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were very close to Jesus. Apparently they were people of substance because they had their own place of burial. Jesus visited with them, and their home was always open to Him.
Now Lazarus had died, and Jesus came. When He talked to Mary and Martha and went to the tomb of Lazarus, the Bible says, He wept. He didn’t suppress or hide His feelings. He felt and expressed His feelings. And He must have displayed His grief more than anyone else around because the Scripture says everyone commented, "Look how much He must have loved this man. Look how He’s weeping."
The fact is the Scripture tells us He wept bitterly. That’s what the word means.
He hated what death had done to His friend. Jesus called death our last enemy to be defeated, and this enemy will be defeated. So here, Jesus wept bitterly.
A seminary professor died at a young age. The day of his funeral, six other seminary professors were his pallbearers. These were men who loved God and His Word and served Him. At the appropriate time when they took off their boutonnieres to place them on the casket, one professor took his flower and crushed it. Then in almost an act of anger, he threw the flower down into the open grave and walked away. Somebody said, "That’s an unseemly thing to do,"
but he replied, "No, it’s the way I feel. My friend loved life, and I wanted to say, ’Death, you didn’t have the last word. You didn’t defeat him. You have been defeated by Jesus Christ.’"
It’s good to feel your feelings and express your grief.
Society says, "Replace your loss as soon as you can and go on with life. Get a new dog. Get a new girlfriend. Get a new husband or wife." Well, you will replace your loss, but a healthier way to do that is to review your loss. You simply go through the pain of looking at your loss.
Bill Hybels, pastor of the Willowcreek Community Church in Chicago, spent three hours with a great Christian counselor one day. This counselor said, "When people have great grief in their life, I always tell them to slow down their life’s pace."
Many of us try to stay busy, but he said, "Slow down and think thoroughly.
Talk often and write introspectively. Work through it and process your grief."
The world says to grieve alone, to handle your grief by yourself. God says to grieve in community. I believe the most special and wonderful time spent at church is in Sunday School. That’s where we get to know and love each other. Sunday School is a nurturing and caring place, and when you become a part of a Sunday School class, you become a part of a group of people who love each other.
When there’s loss, they’re there, and it makes a difference.
Did you ever know anybody to grieve so much they actually sweat drops of blood?
Jesus was grieving deeply that night, as He brought His disciples to the garden.
He took Peter, James and John and said, "Come and pray with Me. I need your help. I’m hurting tonight." He grieved in community.
The disciples must have learned that lesson because when Jesus found them after His resurrection, all but Thomas were gathered in one place. They were grieving in community. Their world had been crushed. They were frightened, and they were grieving at the same time.
When C. S. Lewis faced the death of his wife by cancer, he wrote a journal all the way through this under a pseudonym. He saw his wife dying with cancer, and he went through all of this. After she passed away, he said, "It’s amazing to me how I want my friends to be here. I don’t care if they talk to me. They say such dumb things when they talk to me, but I like for them to be here talking with each other. It means a great deal to me, more than I ever thought it would."
Of all the people who came to help during the loss of our son in 1974, the one I remember most was Ray Hobbs. I remember seeing him standing out in the hallway outside of Patty’s room at the hospital. He never said a word to me, he simply stood outside and wept. How I loved him for that. He wasn’t offering condolences. He was hurting with us. What peace that brought to my heart. We learn to grieve, not alone, but in community when we grieve God’s way.
Then many times, our society would say to us, "When you grieve, you simply live with your regrets. You wish you had said this or that." How many people have had harsh words with their loved one just prior to their death. If they had known the hour was imminent for death of their husband or wife, father or mother, son or daughter, they would never have let those words be the last. But death does not wait for our convenience.
And often people carry that regret with them for the rest of their lives.
But there’s a wonderful verse in Romans 12:18 that says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." You see, you can really make peace on your side even when someone is gone. There have been instances where counselors have sent people to gravesides to talk to a departed loved one, just to get it out. Many times, we’ve asked people to write letters to a departed parent and read it to the rest of the family. They get it out and have this wonderful relief. You cannot suppress sin. It’s going to bother you. It’s going to be like toxic waste.
We thought you could bury toxic waste, but we found out you can’t. It seeps into the soil. It poisons plants and kills animals. It seeps into the water. It pollutes the water and kills the fish. You can’t bury toxic waste. It keeps causing problems. And you can’t bury grief. You have to get it out. God said it’s the way with sin, and it’s the way with grief. You can’t just say, "I’m going to carry this for the rest of my life." The reconciliation needs to take place, and it can take place just on your part when the other one is not here.
You can still make peace within your heart and soul, and I pray you will.
You Can Grieve With Hope
Now the Scripture says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 and following that you don’t have to grieve like those who have no hope. So how do you grieve? You grieve by letting it out, by feeling your feelings. You grieve by simply doing these things we’ve talked about. But you can have hope because the center of your life has not been taken. The treasure of your life is still there.
I tell young people, "You make Jesus Christ the center of your life, and you can live with confidence because He’ll never leave you or forsake you. You will always know you’re loved by the most important Person in your life. You will always know there is power there because He gives you the power to live life.
You will never be let down by Jesus Christ."
And when Christ is at the center of your life, you can handle the grief because the center of your life can never be taken away. The treasure of your life can never be stolen. He’s never going to turn you down or walk away from you. He’s always going to be there, and you can handle it when the center of your life, when the treasure of your life is still there.
After Hurricane Fran, there was a picture in one of the local newspapers in Mississippi. It was a picture of what looked like a single mother and three children looking at their home. It was totally demolished, flattened to the ground by trees on top of it, and they had put up a little sign that said, "We’re okay. Hope you all are, too," and had a smiling face on it. I think those people were saying, "We’ve suffered a loss. It’s going to take awhile to get over it, but the treasure of this family is still together. The center is still here, and we can handle anything as long as we have each other."
That’s the way it is with Jesus Christ. You have Him in your life, and you can walk through anything, even when you don’t have your family anymore. You have Jesus Christ at the center of your heart, and you don’t have to grieve like other people grieve. You have the hope of the Lord Jesus Christ who is never going to leave you, never going to stop loving you, never going to stop forgiving you, never going to stop empowering and comforting you. We call the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, and that’s what happens in grief. You have a Comforter, and He’s always with you and blessing you.
There was a group of scientists in a mountainous area, and they employed a little boy to be their guide because he knew where an eagle’s nest was. They found the nest at the bottom of a crag on the side of the mountain and saw there were several eggs in it. Those scientists really wanted one of those eggs, so they said to the little boy, "Would you let us lower you on a rope in a basket and you get one of those eggs since you weigh less than any of us?" He wouldn’t do it., and they said, "How much would it take?" He said, "I won’t charge you anything if you’ll let my daddy hold the rope."
When you have Jesus Christ at the center of your life, you have
Someone holding the rope who’s never going to let it go ...
Someone you can trust ...
Someone who is always with you.
When He’s holding the rope, you can descend into any pit of grief and know you can work through it. You can express and feel your feelings. You cannot substitute for your losses, but you can really examine your loss. You can know He is with you and that He’s going to bless you. You don’t have to live with regret. You can get it out because the Lord is the center of your life.
Is He? Is Jesus Christ the center of your life? If He is not, then this morning we want to extend an invitation to you to make Jesus Christ the center of your life.
