NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Your Home A Strengthening Space
Daily Affirming Time for You & Your Mate & Your Kids
Ephesians 6:4
Here is a SIGN that was posted on a BATHROOM DOOR
Attention Everyone: The Bathroom Door is Closed!
Please do not stand there and talk, whine or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way.
No, it is not broken; I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there.
But it’s been ten years, and I want some privacy.
Do not ask me how long I will be.
I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the bathroom!”
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This was funny only when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door,
Even when you were two, this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall, talking,
And are still talking as you face this closed door,
Please turn around, walk away and wait for me in another room.
I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
Oh…and yes, I still love you. –Mom.
Is this one method to teach our children boundaries I suppose. The nefarious written note on the bathroom door! There are worse ways of getting a message across to our children. With the national average in 2001 of somewhere between 3-4 children dying every DAY from abuse, a written note on the bathroom door gets a gold star!
One out of three children in the United States are growing up without a father present in the home. Last year in a number of major U.S. cities more children were born out of wedlock than within. The American home is in crisis. Very serious diseases are affecting and infecting our home life. Things like homosexual marriages, divorce, spousal assaults, hate crimes between parents with children and children with parents.
These indicators, as alarming as they may be, there is one very subtle symptom within the home that may be even more impacting than all of these combined. Like walking-pneumonia, a growing number of families are infected with what some family counselors are calling DWI, “driving while intoxicated.” On the outside, these traditional American moms, dads and kids seem they have it all together; but on the inside things are not so good. Parents are driven to almost anything in order to grab the “American Dream” model to the kids that their priorities should be focused on winning at any cost. These families are rotting from within because they are self-consumed. While they sacrifice everything in order to succeed outside of the family, they are losing their identity of what family really is. They are driving at a break-neck speed, out-of-control and in serious danger of crashing.
The following story of two paddleboats illustrates these family’s well: Two paddleboats left port about the same time down the Mississippi River. As they traveled side by side, the sailors began to taunt one another; challenging words were exchanged until finally a race began. After a time, one boat began falling behind; its fuel supply nearly expended. Although there had been plenty of coal for the trip, there had not been enough for a race. As the boat dropped back, an enterprising young sailor took some of the ship’s cargo and tossed it into the ovens. When the sailors saw that the supplies burned as well as the coal, they fueled their boat with the material they had been assigned to transport. They ended up winning the race, but burnt their cargo.
Parents can get caught up in society’s example of putting their “program” of succeeding at any cost ahead of the precious “cargo” that God has entrusted to the family. These are the families that seem okay on the outside, but on the inside they are wasting away. The harder they strive to get to where they think they deserve to be, the more and more of their precious cargo of love, forgiveness, understanding and spiritual growth they need to burn away to get there. They may “win” the race; but is getting there without their “cargo” really worth it?
A study once disclosed that if both Mom and Dad attend church regularly, 72% of their children remain faithful. If only Dad, 55% remain faithful. If only Mom, 15%. If neither attended regularly, only 6% remain faithful. The statistics speak for themselves don’t they—a parent’s example is more important than all the efforts of the church and Sunday school.
A woman was asked, ‘If you had it to do all over again would you have children?’ She said, “Yes…but not the same ones.”
Does the Bible say anything about how to raise our children? Does it give guidelines as to how to raise perfect kids? Having three children of my own I am constantly questioning my efforts and evaluating my example as a parent as I believe any parent who is seeking God’s best does. And I believe there is no place like home as this series is entitled because of its being a sanctuary with our God and a safe place with our spouse and a strengthening space with our kids. God’s word doesn’t come right out and say, “Here is how you are to teach your kids and what you are teach specifically throughout their lives,” but it does have much to say by way of parent’s living their lives as an example right in front of their kids –that in itself must offer the way our children are taught the truth as well as how truth is “caught” –the truth they need to live by.
Paul tells the Ephesian Fathers [and scholars believe he is addressing all parental authorities] to discontinue a provoking style of parenting. It is the kind of parenting that although it might be effective in some ways in how it wins with parents, it loses in others ways with God and the children.
This provoking method of parenting brings the children to a breaking point—specifically to anger. I am not sure why, but the method of parenting Paul is seeking to correct exasperates children and rouses them to lose control in a negative. In a way parent and child lose. The parent loses respect as a parent and the child loses dignity. Do you know of any parenting like that? Perhaps you were raised under that kind of parenting and you find yourself still affected by that provocative parenting spirit in the way you respond with your children. It is hard to break the cycle, but there is freedom in Jesus Christ!
Paul exhorts us to instead of this method to go a different parenting path…one that measures and pours, measures and pours; it is a method of “bringing them up in” [ek-trepho = a measured out nourishing for maturity and growth; A parent seeks to put their child’s mouth to the right dose of teaching and learning!
Paul gives two instructions regarding the method: Nurture and admonition. Both of which are to be done “in the Lord’s way”! “of the Lord means it belongs to God! What is this nurture and admonition that belongs to God?
First, let’s get a better understanding of nurture and admonition; discipline and instruction in some translations. The phrase together seems to compile two basic roots to learning which are reflected in behavior or how one acts and word—in how one talks. This new method of parenting, of God’s Way of parenting doesn’t provoke children to a breaking point but in contrast trains them in a step by step process by means of grace and truth. Behavior is modified by grace as God did with His people throughout history and the mind is transformed by truth as Jesus did with his disciples. ‘Training’ refers to behavioral change, ‘instruction’ refers to thinking change. The sort of change the Lord is moving us toward—in his way and his time.
Paul is telling parents: “Get rid of the old style of teaching and learning by provocation—training your children by pushing them beyond their limits and out of control isn’t God’s way—so don’t ride your kids like a wild horse to break them; instead, take a lesson from the Lord and use his methods of training and teaching proper behavior and perspective. In this way you’ll lead them to act and think in a way that leads to blessings and not curses!
You have heard of the Horse Whisperer, right? I recently heard of a Dog Whisperer. Maybe there is a cat whisperer too. I just heard about the “Kid Whisperer”—no kidding. In fact, the movie, “The Horse Whisperer” eludes to that model when the horse whisperer is able to get through to a teenager daughter by his method of working with horses. The style employs more listening and grace and working with and an along-side-ness instead of an over-bearing, authoritarian, army-regimented style so many parents try to use.
A lady was recently asked how it was she became a Christian. She was actively involved in church and loved the Lord, but her parents weren’t church-goers. She said that one Sunday when she was 10 years old, she walked to a church down the block from her house and just went in. An elderly lady sat beside her. The lady was nice to her and took her to Sunday School class. And the lady told her she was a beautiful little girl. So she decided to come back every week. Does the parenting you practice show you are interested in your child as well as their welfare? A mixture of Grace AND Truth will do that!
Not as a parent yet, but as one looking back, I know there are some things you won’t necessarily know your child has learned first-handed. Like do they really have good manners when they are spending the night at a friend’s house? Do they really have a faith of their own? Are they really listening at family-time or in Sunday School? And what comes out of their mouths isn’t always the best reflection of learning. That reminds of a story…
A discussion broke out at a church camp when one of the counselors asked about God’s purpose for all of his creation. The campers began to find good reasons for the clouds and trees and rocks and rivers and animals and just about everything else in nature. But one of the kids asked, "If God has a good purpose for everything, then why did He create poison ivy?"
This made the leader gulp and, as he struggled with the question, one of the other children piped up, "The reason God made poison ivy is that He wanted us to know that there are certain things we should keep our cotton-pickin’ hands off of!"
Moments can present themselves at any given time for us to teach “grace and truth” and we have learned to call those times “teachable moments”. For example…
One boy approached his father on his sixteenth birthday and said, "Dad, I’m sixteen now. When I get my license, can I drive the family car?" His dad looked at him and said, "Son, driving the car takes maturity, and first, you must prove that you are responsible enough. And one way you must do that is to bring up your grades. They are not acceptable. Second, you must read the Bible every day. And finally, you must get that hair cut; it looks outrageous." The son began the task of fulfilling his father’s requirements, knowing that the last might be impossible.
When his grades came out he went to his dad with a big smile. "Look, Dad, all A’s and B’s on my report card. Now can I drive the family car?"
"Very good, son. You are one-third of the way there, but have you been reading the Bible?" the father replied. "Yes, Dad, every day," said the son. "Very good son. You are two-thirds of the way there. Now when are you going to get that hair cut?"
The son, thinking that he could out smart the father, responded, "Well, I don’t see why I should have to get my hair cut to drive the car. Jesus had long hair, didn’t he?" The father looked at his boy and said, "That’s right, son and Jesus walked everywhere he went."
It was BILLY GRAHAM who said: “Children will invariably talk, eat, walk, think, respond, and act like their parents. [So] Give them a target to shoot at. Give them a goal to work toward. Give them a pattern that they can see clearly, and you give them something that gold and silver cannot buy.”
Seven-year-old first baseman Tanner Munsey never thought he’d end up in Sports Illustrated, but he did. While playing T-Ball in Wellington, Florida, Tanner fielded a ground ball and tried to tag a runner going from first to second base.
The umpire, Laura Benson, called the runner out, but young Tanner immediately ran to her side and said, "Ma’am, I didn’t tag the runner." Umpire Benson reversed her [decision] and sent the runner to second base.
Two weeks later, Laura Benson was again the umpire and Tanner was playing shortstop. This time Benson ruled that Tanner had missed the tag on a runner going to third base, and she called the runner safe. Tanner, obviously disappointed, tossed the ball to the pitcher and returned to his position. Benson asked Tanner what was wrong, and Tanner quietly said he’d tagged the boy.
Umpire Benson’s response? "You’re out!" She sent the runner to the bench. When the opposing coach rushed the field to protest, [Umpire] Benson explained what had happened two weeks before, saying, "If a kid is that honest, I have to give it to him."
How do you argue with that? How do you argue with integrity in a seven year old? There was some grace and truth surrounding Tanner Munsey! Are grace and truth surrounding your kids and your grandkids?
There is no place like home. Our homes need to be a strengthening place for our kids. When the sanctuary is in order, and the safe place is active, the strength need to supply our kids will be there!
I’d like to suggest that you put into place a family time with your kids every night. A time debrief the day, keep events in perspective with God’s perspective, to buttress our faith with truth and share the grace of God with each other. A family time is a strengthening time for mom, dad, children, grand-children.
