Marriage Part 4: Me, Myself & I
Introduction
Previously we have discussed the blood covenant, the marriage vows and last week how we must decide how to make our marriages into one. The focal point from last week’s message was to clarify the need to examine what each of us brings into a marriage. To determine how, with all of those “ingredients” from two different families, two individuals can come together as one, building something new. This week’s message continues with this thought, but takes a slightly different look at how we go about deciding what “ingredient” to give up and what to keep in order to come together as one “new something”.
Conduct demonstration with a couple choosing the money.
I. Selfishness Can Kill A Marriage
Feelings of selfishness and self-centeredness are natural to all of us but are harmful to the health of a marriage. During our engagement and early marriage, we find ourselves experiencing a high level of romance and emotional closeness. But as time goes by, we sometimes feel more distant. If you think about it, one of the main reasons that people marry is to have a close, personal relationship with another person. But this intimacy does not come easily just because you marry. This can be explained in a variety of ways, but the central theme is almost always the same, selfishness. In last week’s message I told you that each person in the marriage must choose what they will need to give up or keep from their backgrounds in order to make something new. When this must be put into practice, selfishness always shows up. We ask questions like “Why do I have to be the one to always give up, or give in?” Sound familiar? In the demonstration earlier, what would you have done if you were with your spouse? Would you have chosen to take the least amount of money and leave the rest for your wife, or would you have taken the most and left the least for your wife? This simple exercise points to how we consider the other person in the relationship. I did not share with the couple what my intentions were because had they known, their responses could have been influenced.
Isaiah 53:6 says “All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way..”
Isaiah speaks of the sins of Israel and how they have turned away from their God and went after their own way. I want you to think about the impact of what they were doing and consider that for your marriage. What happens when both partners, whether because of jobs, lack of interest or whatever, they choose to go their own way in the marriage? Although you may be married on paper, you are not building the marriage for which God had ordained for you to build. While you think on this, think back to selfishness. Can you remember a child when you were growing up who was selfish and always wanted things his or her way? If you can’t think of someone, think of Angelica from the cartoon Rugrats. She must always have her way. What generally happens to people who are selfish and self-centered? They generally end up alone, being isolated. This same thing happens within a marriage. You can live in a house with someone and still feel isolated because of one person being selfish. Isolation happens when people in the marriage drift apart from each other. Selfishness works against building the oneness in all marriages.
I like to think of myself as being a man who cares deeply about his family, who would do anything for them and want the best for them. Because I see my self in such a wonderful way, it is hard for me to consider the fact that there are ways in which I am selfish. Contrary to this, it is very easy for me to see some of the things that my family does as being selfish. For example, after a long week of traveling, I should be able to come home and relax, maybe go golfing but just chill. I should not have to do chores, cut the grass, go to the store, etc, etc, etc. For me, I deserve my “down time” and it is selfish of others to impede on my time just because they have things they may want me to do. What about me and what I want and need? Sound reasonable? It should be okay for me to feel this way. But consider the other side that is especially hard for me to see sometimes. I travel during the week and I come home with my expectations about what I need after a long week on the road. Now while I was gone, Nikki took care of everything the family needed. If the kids had appointments, she had to take them. If they had games or school functions, she had to take them. If something broke at the house, she had to fix it. My daughters, during the week, were without their father. So it is natural that they may want some of my time when I returned. They had events in their life that they wanted to share. Maybe they just wanted me to spend some time with them watching a movie. In their minds, who is being selfish? I am not trying to say either is right or wrong, but it is how we think and why our thinking needs to change if we are to build the oneness in our marriages. It does not mean that I do not get to go out and play or have time to myself, but I need to consider their needs also as I consider my own and this is what can be very difficult to do. It is always easier to see selfishness in others than to see it in your self.
Every person in this room has areas that they reserve for themselves in a selfish way. I am not saying that you should not ever do what is best for you, but again as with the ingredients that we discussed last week, you must do so with the wisdom and knowledge of what is best for the marriage. Two individuals will never become one if both spend much of their time seeking what is best for them as an individual and not what is best for their spouse and their family in general.
In Mark 10:35-45 we have the story of James and John who made the request of Jesus to sit on his right and left side in his kingdom. In other words, they wanted to have the most important seats in Jesus’ kingdom, right next to him. This was a very selfish request and the other apostles became angry with them as stated in verse 41. But look at what Jesus said to his disciples in reference to this: Mark 10:42-44 “….You know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all.” Jesus was basically telling them that in order to be great you had to become a servant. A servant is one who serves the people, not a leader who oftentimes looks for ways to be served. If we take on the servant’s attitude in our marriage, we begin to see ourselves differently in the relationship. It will not necessarily be about if all of my needs are met, but am I meeting the needs of the one I chose to spend the rest of my life with. What would be the results of our marriage if our spouses knew that we spent much of our time trying to make sure that their needs were met? Would they be happy and fulfilled? This is where we should be in our relationship. It does not mean that we give our spouses everything that they ask for when they ask for it. What it does mean is that my attitude is such that my wife knows that she is number one with me – she comes first.
Paul added to this when he wrote the following in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves, do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Again, we are admonished to look upon someone else as more important than we are – something that goes against society’s norm. When I begin to put my interests below those of my spouse, and she does the same, we both receive fulfillment because we are concentrating on each other. The only way we can defeat our selfishness and overcome isolation in our marriages is that we should serve one another and treat our spouses as if they are more important than we are – their needs first. If both parties are doing this, the marriage will be a wonderful thing – one that everyone would desire to have. Achieving victory over our own selfishness, notice I said our own selfishness because the work must start with us, is a lifelong process one that we must continue to go through. As our needs change, so does our areas for selfishness. Scripture provides the wisdom, understanding and knowledge that we need to build a marriage marked by oneness and harmony instead of isolation. The opposite of selfishness is self-denial, humility and generosity. Remember what I stated about my own travel and my need for my own down time? I should be willing to deny what I think is good for me from time to time to do what I know is best for my family and their needs. Each of us should come to that conclusion at some point in our relationship.
Proverbs 24:3-4 says “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” Solomon says to build a house (marriage) you must have wisdom, understanding and knowledge. The house is built with wisdom. In other words, how the foundation and the building of the marriage is done will require wisdom. Once the marriage is built, it will be established with understanding. There is a vast difference between building something and establishing it. You can build it and it could never be established. To be established means it has purpose, it has meaning. Finally by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches. What knowledge? Knowing and understanding your spouse, their needs, wants, desires, fears, etc. To build your marriage you must have wisdom and it must be used. To established your marriage, put it on a firm foundation, you must have plenty of understanding. Finally if these are done correctly, you will have riches in your relationship. Last week I shared with you the ingredients and asked you to consider what ingredients you may need to give up in order to make your marriage better. Dealing with our selfishness is the only way we will be willing to give up anything to receive something better.
This is the goal that we should seek in order to have fulfilling marriage relationships. When we are selfish, it breeds isolation, resentment and ultimately kills the marriage. Since selfishness is a part of our nature, we must fight with all of our strength to get it under control and keep it in balance. To do this we will need to change how we see our spouse. Are they the most important person in our life? Are you striving to meet all of their needs even if it means denying your own. Do you view them as more important than yourself in the relationship? These are the questions that we should be asking daily. I pray that each of us will evaluate our marriages and as ourselves these two questions, “Where am I being selfish and need to change?” “What can I do to show my spouse that their needs are important to me?” May God bless and keep you is my prayer.
