Introduction
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a Christian reporter. The reporter asked the woman if it was easier or more difficult to live the Christian life the older you get. The lady thought for a moment and said, “Well, there is less peer pressure.”
Some things may get easier as we get older. But no matter how old we are we’ll still have challenging relationships with people. The Apostle Paul was no exception. Turn with me to Acts 15:36 and we’ll read about this. As you find the passage, let me set the stage. As you may know, Paul started out as a fanatical Jewish leader with a passion to stamp out the newly emerging church. In pursuit of this passion Paul went to Damascus to imprison Jews who had become Christians. But before he reached Damascus, the Lord personally appeared to him in a blinding light. Paul was so shaken by this dramatic experience that he became a Christ-follower. Thus, the man who had been the chief persecutor of the church was radically transformed into a white-hot follower of Jesus Christ.
Not long after that, Paul went back to Jerusalem. But do you think the Christians were happy to see him? Not on your life! The believers thought Paul might have faked his conversion so he could capture some and throw them into prison. Only one man believed Paul. His name was Barnabas. Barnabas well-known in the church in Jerusalem and he opened the doors so Paul could meet the other apostles. From that point on a very special friendship developed between the two men.
Later on Barnabas was ministering in Antioch, which is in the area now known as southern Turkey. The church was growing and Barnabas needed help. So he went to Tarsus and recruited Paul. Barnabas and Paul served on the church leadership team in Antioch for a whole year. They evangelized and taught Scripture together. In every sense of the word, they were a close-knit Spirit-blessed team.
After about a year, the church in Antioch was fasting and praying and God directed them to send out Barnabas and Paul as the first missionaries. We read about this in Acts 13. After laying hands on them, Barnabas and Paul were sent out and they began to see God move in powerful ways. They cast out demons. They saw vast numbers of people come to Christ. They established new churches. Crippled people were healed. They were also persecuted on the trip; at one point Paul was stoned and left for dead.
By the time they returned to Antioch Paul and Barnabas were a dynamic duo. Not only were they friends, but they were also incredibly effective as a ministry team. In Acts 15 we read how they went to the Jerusalem Council and stood together against any corruption of the Gospel message. At that point, Christianity was only a few decades old and Paul and Barnabas were by far the most influential two-some in the early church.
That’s where we pick up the story in Acts 15:36. (Read) Wow…what happened? Paul and Barnabas had been such good friends. They were co-workers. They had played together. They had prayed together. They had traveled together. They had seen God’s power together. Then conflict hit. Barnabas wanted to give John Mark a second chance, even though John Mark had deserted the team on their first missionary trip. But Paul didn’t want to run the risk; he wanted to leave John Mark off the team. The disagreement was so volatile that Paul decided to go one way and Barnabas went the other way. From the text, it appears like they didn’t even want to see each other again.
One obvious lesson from this incident is that relationships can go sour for even the best of us. No one is exempt. Someone once said that if two people agree on everything then you can be sure that one of them is doing all the thinking. We’re all different. Because we’re unique each of us has our own way of looking at things. That means we won’t always agree and that opens the door for conflict. That’s what happened to Paul and Barnabas. And I’m certain it’s happened all of us, as well.
Without question many of our most painful chapters in life have to do with soured relationships. That’s why we’re considering this in our final message in our series “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” During this series we’ve already considered three painful experiences: dealing with failure; how to respond when our world caves in; and how to overcome despair and hopelessness. All three of those circumstances are difficult, but this final message may include our most painful chapters of all. I’ve called the message: “When Relationships Sour.”
The issue at hand is this: what can we do when we have conflict with someone we love? Conflict may be inevitable, but how do we deal with it when it happens? Most of us learned a default response to conflict while we were growing up. This is way we respond most of the time. We all have a default mode when we respond to conflict.
For example, my son, Tommy, brought to my attention awhile back that in our home while he was growing up conflict was suppressed. Maybe it was because as a pastor I felt pressure to have a model home, I’m not sure. But looking back, I think Tommy was right. It was a blue moon when voices were raised in our home. It’s not that we didn’t have conflict, but we never dealt with it. If one of our kids got angry with someone in the family they were sent to their room, but we weren’t good about talking things through. As long as there was calm in our home, I was happy.
Others among us have a completely opposite default response to conflict. Some of us blow up. We fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. Instead of suppressing conflict like me, you erupt like Mount St. Helens spewing vulgarities and venom. Both suppressing and spewing are not healthy. Now your default response to conflict may be different than these two, but I’m sure you have one. And most of these learned responses are not biblical. Because of this, today I want to suggest three action steps we can take to improve how we handle conflict. All three begin with the letter R. (1) Resolve conflict in a biblical manner. (2) Relinquish our rights. (3) Rebound and move forward.
1. Resolve conflict in a biblical manner.
First and foremost this means we seek a resolution quickly. Listen to Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down while you are angry…” Would you repeat that out loud with me? It’s not helpful to allow conflict or misunderstanding to go unresolved. Many times we may think an issue is not worth dealing with so we let it go. Then another issue comes up and we let it go, too. But if we keep this up very long we end up having huge unresolved baggage in the relationship.
It reminds me of the last time I cleaned the shower. I noticed that the drain was slow. So I decided to pop the cover to see if something was caught in the drain. But I was not prepared for what I found. A huge clog of hair and smelly old soap and shampoo had been accumulating for months, maybe years. The glob of goo was gigantic! No wonder the drain was slow! It was surprising that any water at all could get down the drain! That glob of goo is a good illustration of what happens when we leave issues unresolved in our relationships. One small piece of junk is added to another small piece of junk until suddenly you have a huge smelly mess. Instead of letting things build up, the Bible calls us to resolve issues quickly. We’re not to let the sun go down while we’re angry.
Because my default is to avoid conflict, this is where I need to pay close attention. Resolving the situation quickly doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug and pretending it’s not there. For example, in recent years, I’ve learned if something is bothering me about a co-worker I need to deal with any conflict right away. I’ve learned it’s much better to keep short accounts. Rather than let anything build up, I try to put the source of the conflict on the table and we deal with it immediately. This wasn’t something I learned growing up. This wasn’t my default response to conflict. But, by God’s grace, I’ve made progress in this area.
To resolve conflict biblically also means we seek a resolution personally. Listen to Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” In other words, when you have a problem with someone, go and speak to them personally. Don’t send an angry email; don’t leave an irate voice mail; don’t spew your anger on someone else…but go directly to the person with whom you are in conflict. And go to them personally! Meet with them face-to-face, one-on-one.
I’m convinced this one step would solve most of the relational conflicts we face. We need to learn to go directly to the person we’re struggling with and first try to work things out with them. Going to them and having a face-to-face chat needs to become our new default mode for handling conflict. But, unfortunately, many times this doesn’t happen. Instead, a mistake we often make when we have an issue with someone is talking with other people before we try to work things out directly with the person involved. But if we bring other people into the loop too soon, many times it only makes matters worse. Remember what Matthew 18 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
A few years ago the mayor of New York announced at a press conference he was seeking a separation from his wife. And, even though it’s hard to imagine, that was the first time his wife actually heard about it! Can you imagine learning from a televised press conference that your marriage is dissolving? Friends, that’s just not a good way to resolve conflict! But we’re not much better is we have an unresolved issue and we begin talking to Tom, Dick and Harry before going to the person involved. When we have a conflict the Bible says first to go to the person privately.
But, if that doesn’t work, if the conflict is still not resolved after speaking one-on-one, then go with someone else. The next step in resolving conflict biblically means we seek a resolution with help, if necessary. Listen to Matthew 18:16 “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’.”
In other words, if the two of you can’t resolve the conflict alone, then by all means get help. After trying to work things out privately, if you have no success, bring in some wise counsel to mediate. This might be a friend or it could also be a professional Christian counselor. One of the benefits of a third party is they can see from an unbiased perspective. Sometimes when we’re in the middle of conflict we’re blinded to some of the most obvious issues.
For example, several years a young man from Scotland moved to New York. After he got his own apartment his parents phoned to find out how he was doing. “What are your neighbors like?” his mother asked. “They’re a bit strange, actually. On one side there’s a man who keeps banging his head against the wall and on the other side there’s a woman who just cries and moans.” His mum advised, “I’d keep to myself if I were you.” “Oh I do,” the son said. “I just stay in my room and play my bagpipes.” Sometimes when we’re close to an issue we can’t see even the most obvious things. That’s one reason it can help to ask a third party to referee.
So the first step when we have conflict is to resolve things in a biblical manner. That means seeking a resolution quickly, personally, and (if necessary) with help. A second step when we have conflict is to…
2. Relinquish our rights.
We live in a world that screams at us that we have rights and our rights are sacred. But the Bible teaches that maintaining unity and harmony is a very high value and sometimes we’re called to give up our rights in order to preserve harmony in our relationships.
A good example of this is found in 1 Corinthians 6. The church in Corinth had many struggles. One of these was that Christians were suing each other in court. Apparently some of the Corinthian Christians felt their business or personal rights were violated by other believers and they were trying to settle these issues in the Roman courts.
Paul writes this. “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?” (1 Corinthians 6:7) His point is clear. As a Christ-follower, other values may be more important than preserving my right to this or that. Jesus Christ laid aside all his rights to the glory in heaven to take on the form of a man. And we’re called to have this same attitude. Many times God wants us to lay aside our personal rights as an act of obedience to honor him and to serve each other.
This means that sometimes the resolution to our relational problems may be that we lose. In other words, sometimes the best way out is to allow the other person to win, even if it’s not fair, so that we can maintain harmony. Paul puts it this way. “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:3) Would you repeat that with me? (Repeat) In other words, we’re to do all we can, including if necessary sometimes losing our personal rights, in order to keep unity and harmony in our relationships.
But this relinquishing of our rights needs to be tempered with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. This does not mean rolling over and playing dead, for example, in a marriage relationship. If you’re in a relationship and you are always being asked to lose, if you’re always expected to be the one who has to give in, that may be an indication that something is not healthy. Thus, like every biblical principle, this relinquishing of our rights needs to be applied with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
A third principle in resolving conflict is to…
3. Rebound and move forward.
There’s no question that the Apostle Paul was not proud of what happened between him and Barnabas. Not only did Paul miss the friendship he had with Barnabas, but he also set a poor example in leadership. The disagreement was a black eye for Paul and for the new church.
But it’s interesting to observe that Paul didn’t wallow in self-pity. He didn’t keep beating himself up. Yes, he had made a mistake. The conflict had hurt his reputation and the reputation of the early church. But Paul didn’t let it cripple the rest of his life. He rebounded and went forward. After the conflict with Barnabas, Paul wrote half of the New Testament. He kept on planting new churches. He kept training leaders. He kept growing in Christ and he finished his life as a martyr dying for his faith.
Paul would go on to write, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) In writing this, Paul recognizes that we need to do all we can to make peace with people, but sometimes peace just won’t be possible. We need to do our share. Paul writes as far as it depends on us we need to do everything possible. But we can’t be restored to someone who doesn’t want to be restored to us. In those cases, we can only pray for the people, release them into God’s care, and go on with our lives.
This is such an important truth. Many people carry the scars of failed relationships throughout their lives and they end up being relationally crippled. But a failed relationship does not mean that we’re a failure as a person. It certainly didn’t mean that for the Apostle Paul!
Kyle Rote Jr. once said, “There’s no doubt in my mind that there are many ways to be a winner, but there is really only one way to be a loser and that is to fail and not look beyond your failure.” How we deal with our failures may be one of the most important things we can ever learn in life— especially dealing with relational failures.
Unfortunately some people carry their bitterness right to the grave. You may have heard about the elderly single woman who was pre-planning her funeral. The director was intrigued by the fact that she chose six female pallbearers. “Are you sure you want all women to carry your casket to the grave?” he asked. “I’m positive,” she responded, “if those bozos wouldn’t take me out when I was alive, I’m sure not going to let them take me out when I’m dead.”
We don’t have to let negative things in life twist us like that. Every one of us has blown it at some point. But we don’t have to let our failures ruin the rest of our lives. John Maxwell says, “Errors become mistakes when we perceive them and respond to them incorrectly. Mistakes become failures when we continually respond to them incorrectly.”
We don’t have to go down that path. We can learn from our mistakes and grow beyond them. That’s clearly what the Apostle Paul did. After his blow up with Barnabas he went on to write 1 Corinthians 13, perhaps the greatest statement about love ever written. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Tell me…how many things about love do you think Paul learned from the painful incident with Barnabas? Plenty! When I look at 1 Corinthians 13 I can see Paul’s conflict with Barnabas behind almost every phrase.
After we experience conflict, God wants us to rebound and move forward. Not look backward. Paul writes in Philippians 3, “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Paul didn’t look back. He didn’t cry over spilt milk. He learned his lessons and then pressed ahead the best he could.
When we make a habit of learning the lessons and then pressing ahead we’ll discover that our failures can be some of the most important times in our lives. But learning from failure requires honest reflection.
In an old Peanuts cartoon Charlie Brown is at the beach building a beautiful sand castle. As he stands back to admire his work it’s suddenly consumed by a huge wave. Looking at the smooth sand mound that had been his creation a moment before, he says, “There must be a lesson here, but I don’t know what it is.” Charlie Brown’s reaction is a lot like some people after they’ve had conflict. They know they should learn something, but they’re not sure what. I encourage you to take some time. Reflect. Learn the lessons and then rebound and move forward.
