Introduction
One of the uncomfortable realities about parenting is that we don’t know as much as we think we know. When I was younger I used to think I knew almost everything about my kids. But the older I get the more I realize how naïve I was. This is only scratching the surface about my naiveté, but my adult girls have told me things that went on in their room that I was clueless about: things like flicking buggers on one another as they fell asleep.
Realizing now how much I didn’t know about my kids has led me to temper my views about parenting. I used to think godly parenting was close to a science. I’m not sure if I got this from Christian books or from sermons or friends. But, basically, I believed if I did A, B & C then it would more or less guarantee that my kids would turn out healthy, wealthy and wise and be passionate about following Christ.
All I had to do was (A) be a model myself of radical faith in Christ, (B) invest plenty of time discipling my kids by memorizing scripture, having family devotions and serving together, and (C) pray faithfully every day. I assumed if I did those things it would guarantee my kids would reach adulthood unscathed from the world’s influences.
The problem is I did do A, B and C with zeal and commitment, but every one of my children still walked through deep valleys in their journey toward adulthood. I’m happy to say that today things are reasonably fine. All four kids are doing fairly well: they love the Lord and they’re living fairly responsibly as adults. But the journey along the way resulted in more tears and heartache than I ever imagined, both for my kids and for Pam and I.
When I was younger a wise older mentor warned me that it was likely one my children, in a fit of anger, one day would scream that they hated me. I smiled back naively thinking, “That won’t ever happen to me. I’m doing A, B and C much better than most parents. I’m radical about my faith; I invest time and effort intentionally discipling my kids and I pray for them every day. My kids would never say they hate me….even if they were angry.” Well, when the day came that one of my kids screamed that they hated me I remembered my friend’s words. And I was humbled.
I felt I needed to share this because I think too many Christian parents live in an idyllic, dream world like I did. Then when things don’t turn out like we thought they would, or like someone told us they would if we followed their formula for raising kids, we can become bitter at God or we can begin second guessing ourselves. That’s why I’ve begun this teaching sharing some of my own journey as a parent. I’m not exaggerating with my title for this message. I believe parenting is the toughest job on earth.
Honestly I’ve never met a parent who didn’t try their best. I know deadbeat parents are out there, but personally I have never met one. The parents I know sacrifice; they do the best they can with the skills and background they have. But, sadly, I think the church has too often heaped guilt on parents who have done their level best but things still didn’t work out well with their kids. I remember a few years ago a gal told me she was skipping church when she heard I was talking about raising kids. She said it was too painful. At the time her son was in prison. She had raised him in the church; she did her best to train him up in God’s ways, but he had made a ton of bad choices. The gal told me her son’s choices broke her heart—and if you are a parent of an adult child who’s made bad decisions you know exactly how she felt. She told me she didn’t want to go to church that weekend because she thought it might heap even more guilt on her than she already felt.
Friends, that’s not my purpose today. I don’t want anyone walking out of here feeling guilty. Like I said earlier, years ago I was pretty cocky when I taught about parenting. I had read the books; I knew the Scriptures; I was doing all the “right things.” But it didn’t prevent the tears or the dark nights staring at the ceiling asking God “why?” Today I won’t share any iron clad promises that guarantee your kids will turn out perfectly. I wish I could, but now I realize those promises aren’t in the Bible, despite what some may suggest. Instead, I want to point out two basic principles to help parents fulfill their difficult role in a God-honoring manner. These are the things parents are responsible to do. But these principles won’t necessarily guarantee how your kids turn out. In parenting the only guarantee we have is that God will be with us and his strength will be sufficient for every challenge we encounter.
This is the final message in our series: Desperate Households. We’ve been looking carefully at Ephesians 5:21-6:4. This passage deals with our closest relationships: those within our households. The first two weeks we talked about husbands and wives, but I mentioned the principles were applicable to all of us: single, married, divorced or widowed. Last week we considered God’s plan for the proper care and feeding of parents. Today, I want to zero in on the toughest job on earth. Please look at Ephesians 6:4. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Before I go any further, I’d like to point out that the world is a much different place today than when I was growing up. I realize that every generation has its challenges. But I believe the emerging generation faces obstacles which are truly Herculean. By the emerging generation, I’m referring to those young people born after 1981. This is sometimes referred to as the millennial generation. Christian researcher Walt Mueller points out some of the unique challenges facing this generation. For example…
1. Without a moral compass-The millenials are growing up without a moral compass. Youth growing up in a postmodern culture have little sense of right and wrong. There is no external standard. Moral authorities have lost their appeal. Logical systems, theological proofs and legitimate authority no longer count like they used to.
2. Cultural diversity-Immigration, increased mobility, economic opportunity and the global media machine have brought about a major shift in the makeup of neighborhoods, communities and schools. This increased diversity presents exciting opportunities, but it also adds another dimension of accelerated change to the millenials’ world.
3. Tolerance-Many millenials consider judging evil worse than doing evil. This impacts how they handle moral issues, including cheating, infidelity, pornography and sexual perversion. Even if they don’t engage in those activities, millenials are more willing to tolerate other people doing them because it’s “right for them.”
4. Broken relationships-Over 25% of the millenials will spend part of their childhood in a stepfamily. Add to this, the current realities of family-time famine, alcoholism, parental pressure and sexual abuse, and it becomes clear that the millenials face a relationally broken world.
5. Media saturation-The media has become a surrogate parent to the millenials. The media shapes what they think about and how they think. Because of this media saturation, millenials tend to be generally passive, easily bored, often impatient and they expect immediate gratification.
6. Experience and feeling driven-Void of any objective standard of truth and morality, millenials often make decisions based on how they feel. And those feelings may change from one day to the next.
7. Suspicious of truth-Many millenials are suspicious of Christianity simply because it claims to be true. This is evident even among those who attend church. According to George Barna, in 2001, only 4% of born again millenials believed in “the accuracy of the Bible, personal responsibility to evangelize and salvation by grace alone.”
8. Overwhelming options-Every aspect of the millennial generation is filled with a growing number of options regarding everything from clothes, to food, to cars, to lifestyles.
Tragically, these factors are contributing to a mass exodus from the church. Following graduation from high school, the millennial generation is leaving the church in droves. Josh McDowell has written a recent book with the apocalyptic title “The Last Christian Generation.” He says a huge percent of teens are leaving the church after high school and very few are returning.
Brian McLaren is a Christian leader who often writes about these challenges. In a recent article in Leadership Journal he wrote the following:
In our churches, family feuds…arise when members of the same family are asking different questions. This Sunday, for example…in the third row, left side, mom and dad in one family are asking how they can raise their 14-year old daughter so she will never rebel, never get in trouble, and one day grow up to sit in the row in front of them with children of her own who will never rebel or get in trouble.
Meanwhile, their daughter, seated with her friends in the last pew, is asking how she can get out from under their control because there’s this boy at school she really likes, but of whom her parents would never approve. Or in the ninth row, another mom and dad are wondering how they can be sure their 18-year-old son will (a) go to a good college and get a good education so he can have a good job and a good life, and (b) not be exposed to philosophical or scientific or political questions that make him question the approach to faith taught in their church.
But their son, sitting with his girlfriend in the pew directly behind them is asking how he can find a college where he can ask the philosophical and scientific and political questions he has already been exposed to in high school.
In other words, in many families who attend church, there is a tug-of-war going on because the millennial generation views life so differently than previous generations. McLaren goes on to say that not long before he’d been with two groups of pastors where someone asked how many of their post-high school kids were still involved with the church. He said that no pastor in either group had a majority of his kids involved in church; most had no kids at all involved.
I take exception with those who say the challenges the millenials face are just like the challenges in previous generations. When I was 11 years old I remember finding a stack of Playboy Magazines hidden in an orange grove. Today, with a click of a mouse, from his own bedroom, an 11-year old can surf an endless sea of pornography. The world has changed. I believe the stakes are higher today and the challenges are more difficult than ever before.
This is part of the reason I believe parenting is the toughest job on earth! The only people who say parenting is easy are those who have never raised a child. Someone summed it up well when they said parents spend the first two years of a child’s life teaching them to walk and talk; then they spend the next 15 years teaching them to sit down and be quiet. Dr. James Dobson was right when he entitled his best-selling book “Parenting Isn’t For Cowards.” But, now, let’s look at Ephesians 6:4 and glean principles to can guide parents in their tough role.
(Read 6:4.) First, please note the word for “fathers” in the Greek is a broad term. It could be translated as “parents.” So women you’re not off the hook. You’re included here. Verse six gives two basic guidelines for God-honoring parenting. (1) We’re not to exasperate children and (2) We’re to proactively raise children in the Lord.
1. Don’t exasperate children.
Exasperate means to enrage or become angry. The idea is the more a child thinks about his or her situation, the more angry he or she becomes. The notion is that a child has to tolerate a less-than-ideal situation that builds into a sense of anger that eventually spills over. Now I don’t want to suggest that all the anger in the present youth culture is because of parents, but some of it surely is.
The evidence is striking. Homicide is one of the leading causes of death in America among males 15 to 19 years of age. What prompts drive-by shootings or other senseless acts of violence? What motivates a massacre like what happened at Columbine or Virginia Tech? Suicides among teens have tripled since 1960. Why? Teenagers today are the most violent generation in history. Why? In part, it’s because we’ve raised an exasperated generation of children. They’re frustrated and angry. It’s evident in the music they listen to, the videos they watch and how they treat other people.
So what are some things that can exasperate children?
• Feeling unloved. Most parents would say they love their kids, but many teens don’t feel loved. When a person doesn’t feel loved it leaves a huge hole in their heart. Our deepest need as human beings is to feel loved. But when a child doesn’t feel loved, he or she chaffs in their spirit and they can become exasperated. Parents need to learn to show their love in a language that their children understand. One of the most helpful books I’ve read is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Chapman shows how different people receive love on different wavelengths. It’s not enough for us to communicate love on our wavelength. For the other person to feel our love, we need to communicate on their wavelength! Feeling unloved is probably one of the most significant causes for children to become exasperated.
• Favoritism If we favor one child over another it can exasperate the one who comes in second. There are many examples of this in Bible including Jacob’s favoring Joseph over his eleven brothers.
• Over protection can also lead to exasperation. This happens when we don’t allow a child to experience real life with its bumps and bruises. A smothered child can become an exasperated child. Closely related to this is when parents are overly strict. This sometimes happens in Christian homes when well-intentioned parents stifle their children by trying to control every aspect of their lives.
• Under protection can also lead to exasperation. This is the failure to provide for basic necessities or not being aware of things like the music or videos our kids are experiencing and the friends our children are hanging around.
• Excessively pushing achievement is another source of exasperation. Not every child will be an “A” student or a star athlete. Our role as parents is to become students of how God made our children and help them achieve their full potential, not to achieve what we want.
• Disciplining while angry can also lead to exasperation. Discipline is not abuse. Personally, I believe in spanking. Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” But spanking doesn’t mean hitting or yelling. God wants parents to mold their children, but not crush them.
Look again at Ephesians 6:4. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Thus, we see the first basic guideline for God-honoring parenting is to avoid exasperating our children. The second guideline is to proactively raise children in the Lord.
2. Proactively raise children in the Lord
Let’s break down the second half of verse 4 phrase by phrase. To “bring them up…” means to nourish them to maturity. This refers to our environment. This is my obligation as a parent to provide a healthy spiritual environment that can nourish my kids to maturity. This includes providing food, clothing, shelter, exercise, along with a spiritual covering. God calls parents to provide a grace-filled, Christ-honoring environment that provides fertile soil for our children grow to spiritual maturity.
The next phrase is “…in the training…” This refers to more than just verbal communication. It also implies “on the job training.” This type of faith training means helping a child walk into spiritual adulthood. It’s not just telling them how to live, but showing them. The idea with training speaks volumes about modeling. As parents we’re to model the kind of effervescent spirituality we want our kids to enjoy. Spiritually training our kids to love the Lord and make wise decisions begins with modeling those things ourselves. Spiritual passion and integrity are more caught than taught.
The next phrase is “…instruction of the Lord…” We’re to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Where do we find this instruction? We find it in the Word of God; in the Bible! The truth is we can’t help our children toward spiritual maturity unless we teach them God’s Word. Pam and I tried to do this in a variety of ways. For example,
• We said grace at every meal time.
• We read the Bible with our kids every night before they went to sleep.
• Every night we also reviewed Scripture memory verses. Over the years our kids memorized scores of Bible verses.
• For over ten years we also had family devotions before the kids left for school. We would read a portion of Scripture, we would sing around the piano, and we would pray. Over the course of the ten years, our family read through the entire Bible twice.
• We also attended church services every week. Even when we went on vacation we always found a church where we could worship. By the time our kids moved out of the house, I don’t think they had missed church, except for illness, more than once or twice in their entire lives.
• As the kids got older, we also bent over backward so they could be involved in our church’s weeknight children’s program and then with our youth group. We made every effort to send our teenagers to every youth group retreat and every other activity. Many times we didn’t have the extra money to do these things, but we found the money anyway. With four kids in youth group at one point the summer youth trips cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. But we always found the money to make these trips possible. We wanted our kids to have godly peer pressure. Whether we like it or not, a time comes when peers exercise more influence on our children than we do as parents. So parents need to make sure their kids’ peers are also interested in the things of God.
• We also served in ministry together as a family. When the kids were younger, we would enlist their help if someone came over needing ministry. If it was a couple with kids, we had our kids baby sit in the other room so we could minister to the parents alone. If there were no children to watch, we had our kids serve drinks or refreshments. One way or another, we found ways to involve our kids in ministry so they were part of what we did. It was never my ministry, or Pam’s ministry, but it was always our ministry as a family.
Conclusion
One more thing we did was pray. Pam kept a prayer journal for each of kids from the time they were born until they left home. Pam gave each of our kids their prayer journals as a rite of passage into adulthood. And we still pray for them. I pray for each of my four kids every day. Three are now married with children. So I pray for their spouses and each of my grandchildren every day.
But this doesn’t mean they won’t face challenges. And it doesn’t mean they always make the right choices. I learned a long time ago that God gave each of my kids a free will. God gives each of us the responsibility of making real choices. My daily prayer is that my children and their families will choose God’s ways. But there are no guarantees. Pam and I did all we could to point them to the Lord while they were at home, but we can’t make them love and obey God. As I said earlier, the only guarantee we have as parents is that God will be with us and his strength will be sufficient as we tackle the toughest job on earth.
