This is the third message in our series “Desperate Households.” We’re taking a close look at Ephesians 5:21-6:4. The past two weeks we’ve focused on the relationship between husbands and wives. I’m calling today’s message “The Proper Care and Feeding of Parents.” The Scripture we’re going to study essentially shows us how to treat our parents. For young people I guarantee that these principles will revolutionize your relationship with your parents! So…please listen carefully!
I’m sure we all have memorable stories about growing up. I remember one time in the 6th grade I snuck out of the house with a friend, Rick Nedrow. Rick was spending the night at my house. About midnight, we crept down the stairs trying to miss all the squeaky steps; we slid by my parents’ bedroom in stealth-mode, then we climbed out the kitchen window into the back yard. From there we walked out to the street. We were only 12 years old but we felt like prisoners who had just escaped from Alcatraz! Did I mention we were in our pajamas and bathrobes? If anyone saw us, it must have been quite a sight!
Rick and I wandered around for about 20 minutes until the thrill of escape wore off. Then we headed back. Have I ever told you the story about coming around the corner that night and seeing the living room light on? Someday, I tell you what happened that night when we tried to sneak back in. But for now, I just want to remind you that we all have stories about growing up, don’t we? For some growing up was lots of fun. Others have mostly painful memories. But all of us are indelibly impacted by those formative years.
Today, our focus is on the very first relationship we have in life. You see, our first relationship in life is with our parents. For most of us, the first word we uttered was probably “ma-ma” or “da-da.” Now, if you’ve spoken with Dave Pascoe on our staff, you know he has a vocabulary like a walking encyclopedia. I think his first word was probably something like bamboozled or organic.
Our first relationship in life—the one with our parents—shapes us in profound ways. For example, from our relationship with our parents we develop perceptions about ourselves—sometimes these are healthy, sometimes they’re not. From the relationship with our parents we also develop respect for authority, or the lack of it. We also learn many of our lifelong values. Because of this overwhelming impact on our life, it’s critical to know what God expects in our relationship with our parents.
To explore this, let’s look at Ephesians 6:1-3. The first thing to note is that the Greek word “children” in verse 1 does not refer particularly to young children like the English word might suggest. The word is tekna in the Greek. It’s a word that can be translated by “offspring.” So this passage to some extent applies to all of us because all of us are offspring; we’ve all had parents. For clarity in today’s message I’m going to refer to offspring as young people, but the principles apply to all of us.
In this passage two over-arching characteristics describe how God expects a young person to treat his or her parents. This is God’s plan for the proper care and feeding of parents. The two characteristics are obedience and honor. The first is an action; the second is an attitude. Let’s begin in verse 1 with obedience.
1. Young people are to obey their parents.
The word “obey” literally means “to hear under.” It means to listen carefully and respond appropriately. Sadly, often we don’t listen well, especially when we’re teenagers. When our kids were adolescents, Pam and I began to experience for the first time the infamous “eye roll.” In fact, one of our favorite family videos was taken on vacation when our second daughter, Christina, was in junior high. Now, more than a decade later, when we watch the video we laugh our heads off because it captures Christina in rare form giving us eye roll after eye roll. But at the time, it wasn’t so funny because the eye roll meant Pam and I were being tuned out; listening had stopped.
I love what James 1:19 has to say to those who roll their eyes at their parents. “Everyone is to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” This is huge! Young people, be quick to listen! You won’t know if what parents say has any value until you’ve listened to them!
Notice verse 1 adds that children are to obey their parents “in the Lord.” This phrase “in the Lord” means that God has given parents a sphere of authority over their children. It’s a young person’s responsibility to obey their parents as long as their parents are within that sphere of authority. But if parents ask their children to steal or lie, children don’t have to obey because the parents have moved away from their sphere of authority. God never condones wrong-doing.
However, most of the time what parents require is, in fact, “in the Lord.” Most of the time what parents expect does fall within their sphere of authority. For example, if your parent says you have to go to bed at 9:00 PM, then it’s God’s will for you to go to bed at 9:00 PM. I think too many times we’ve forgotten who’s in charge in our homes. Too often children rule the roost; kids are calling the shots instead of the parents.
Awhile back, after visiting the US, the Duke of Windsor was asked his impression of America. He said he was impressed by the way American parents obey their children. A telemarketer once phoned and asked to speak to the one who made the spending decisions in the house. The person responded, “You can’t speak to him right now. He’s not home yet from kindergarten!” Somehow we’ve reversed order, but the Bible says that young people are to obey their parents.
Now, let me offer four compelling reasons why you should obey your parents.
1. Obedience is right. Verse 1 couldn’t be any more clear! “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience is the right thing to do!
2. Obedience leads to wisdom. Proverbs 13:1 says, “A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.” Wisdom empowers us to live successfully. Proverbs says if we heed our parents, if we obey them, if we do what they say, we’ll become wise. In other words, we’ll learn how to live successfully.
But when we don’t obey, it can lead to costly mistakes. When I was a freshman at the University of Notre Dame I had about $600 in the bank and I was intent on buying my first car. My dad tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn’t listen. After all, I was 18 years old and I was on my own! Well, I had a small pocket atlas and from where I was in South Bend, IN it looked like Detroit, MI was only a short jaunt away. I reasoned that since cars were manufactured in Detroit they would be whole lot cheaper there. So one Friday afternoon I boarded a Greyhound bus and headed up to Detroit to buy my first car. I only took enough cash for a one-way ticket because I was confident I would be driving back to Notre Dame in a shiny new vehicle.
Well, my first clue that trouble was brewing was when the bus ride began to take more than just a few hours. I remember asking the driver over and over again how much farther. You see, in my pocket atlas Detroit was only an inch away from South Bend, but it turned out I didn’t arrive until about 1:00 AM. Can you see the problem? I was an 18 year old kid arriving at the downtown Detroit bus station at 1:00 AM. I was pretty cocky, but that began to shake even me up. I found a sleazy hotel nearby which exhausted nearly all my cash. But I still planned to get up early the next day and buy my new car. I remember asking the hotel clerk as I was walking out, “Where are all the cars for sale?” Looking back I can’t believe how naïve I was!
I must have walked 25 miles that day. And I never found a vehicle to purchase. Finally, on Saturday night I made my way back to the bus station. I was dejected. And I felt like a first class fool. I scrounged up enough cash to get a return ticket, but that’s all I the money I had and the bus didn’t leave until the next day. So I had to spend the night in the Detroit bus station and didn’t eat for about 24 hours. That night I discovered that they don’t allow sleeping in bus stations in order to keep vagrants out. So every time I started to fall asleep this giant, mean looking security guard would come over and poke me with his night stick. It was the longest night in my life. Looking back, all of that could have been avoided if I had only listened to my dad. Too often we miss out on the wisdom our parents offer!
A third reason to obey is because…
3. Obedience brings joy to your parents. Listen to Proverbs 23:24. “The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him.” When you obey your parents it brings them incredible joy.
But the opposite is also true: disobedience brings heartache. Proverbs 17:25 says, “A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him.” If you want a sure-fire way to break your parents’ heart, be disobedient. Ann Landers once included a heartbreaking letter from a mother whose children had brought her nothing but pain. The woman wrote, “I’ve lived seventy years, and I speak from experience as a mother of five. Was it worth it? No. The early years were difficult. Illness, rebellion, lack of motivation (we called it shiftlessness and laziness in our day)….Not one of our children has given us any pleasure. God knows we did our best, but we were failures as parents and they are failures as people. Signed, Sad Story.” Young people, it doesn’t have to be that way! Your obedience will bring joy to your parents!
Still a fourth reason to obey your parents is because…
4. Disobedience is demonic.1 Samuel 15:23 says “For rebellion is like the sin of divination.” In other words, God treats disobedience on the same level as witchcraft and Satanism. Disobedience is something the Bible treats seriously. Why? Because when you disobey your parents you remove yourself from the protective covering God has given you through your parents. Like it or not, God has placed your parents over you, like an umbrella, to provide protection. Your disobedience removes you from that protection. Proverbs 30:17 says, “The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.” Birds in the Bible are often used as a symbol for Satan. This Scripture points out that disobedience gives Satan access to us that can lead to serious consequences.
Thus, in God’s design obedience is to be the first characteristic of a young person’s relationship with his or her parents. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience is an action. Obedience means responding to what your parents tell you. It means listening. Obedience means doing what your parents tell you to do when they tell you to do it. Scripture never endorses arguing or talking back. Philippians 2:14 says, “Do everything without complaining or arguing…” Don’t arch your back. Just do it!
The second characteristic of a young person’s relationship with his or her parents is honoring. This is an attitude.
2. Young people are to honor their parents.
(Read 6:2&3) This is a quote from Deuteronomy 5:16. This is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. The word “honor” means to hold in high value. It’s an attitude of respect. When a parent says to pick up your room, if you do it, it’s obedience. But if you do it with a grumbling, critical spirit, that’s doing it with the wrong attitude. Obedience is the action. But honor is the attitude God wants. The Lord wants us to obey our parents with an attitude of honor.
Now, obviously sometimes parents are jerks. I know because I’m a parent and there have been plenty of times I’ve been a jerk. Sometimes young people use a parent’s mistakes as justification not to honor them. But, I have news for you. Yes, parents are not perfect; we can be jerks, but listen up young people, you’re not perfect either! The passage doesn’t say to honor them only if you have perfect parents! It says honor your father and your mother. Period. Since this appears in the Ten Commandments which were written a long time ago, obviously disrespect toward parents has been an issue for thousands of years!
Now, why should we honor our parents? This text says we should do it because when we honor our parents both the quality and the quantity of our life improves. Verse 2 says honoring our parents is the first commandment with a promise. This is huge. If we honor our parents, God is making a promise that something good will happen to us.
Verse 3 says we’re to honor our parents “that it may go well with you…” In others words, our lives will go better, our lives will work, we’ll be more successful by honoring our parents. God is showing us here a fairly simple and very doable key to success. Don’t miss it.
Honor your parents and life will go better for you. You will have more peace in your home. There will be less conflict. Your parents will be happier and you’ll discover one of the secrets of a happy life. Many young people are idealistic. They think that some day they’ll find a perfect job, with a perfect boss, find a perfect mate, live in a perfect neighborhood, have perfect kids who have perfect teachers. In other words, they think if they can just get the circumstances and people around them in order, then somehow life will work. And they’ll be happy.
Unfortunately that’s not the way it is. Life works only when we get things straightened out on the inside. First we need to get right with Christ. Then, by God’s grace, we get things right with the other people around us. And, young people, God gave you imperfect parents so you could learn from early on to respect and honor imperfect people. Because our whole life we’re surrounded by imperfect people. These are people God loves. People God wants us to respect, despite their imperfections. Honoring others begins at home and if we get it right early in our lives with our parents “it will go well for us.” If we learn to honor our parents, our quality of life will be better during our whole life.
Honoring your parents also makes a difference in the length of our lives. How many of us want to live a long time? “Honor your father and mother….that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Now this doesn’t mean children that honor their parents will never get into an accident or never die prematurely. But it does mean that generally speaking if we honor our parents, we will live longer. When we honor our parents, we’ll tend to avoid mistakes that can short circuit our lives, we’ll live more in tune with God’s plan, we’ll receive more of God’s blessing and, generally speaking, we’ll tend to live longer. So what does it mean to honor our parents? Let me offer four suggestions…
1. Speak about them respectfully when we’re talking to friends or siblings. If you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say anything at all. Belittling your parents or tearing them down behind their backs doesn’t help anything. This includes getting rid of all types of sarcasm and put-downs. To honor our parents means (1) to speak about them respectfully.
2. Speak to them respectfully. I’m referring to what we say to them and how we say it; the words we choose and the tone of voice we use. And speaking respectfully certainly includes not swearing at them! Exodus 21:17 says cussing at a parent was a capital offense in the OT! Words have the power to build up. They also have the power to tear down. We need to be positive with our words. Hearing about the verbal wars that go on in some homes, sometimes I think young people forget their parents are human beings with feelings. To honor our parents means (2) to speak to them respectfully.
3. Pray for them. Young people, one day if you get married and have kids of your own, you’ll be amazed at how scary it feels to be a parent. Believe it or not, parents have fears. They struggle with their own imperfections. They hurt. Sometimes they’re insecure. Sometimes they don’t know what to do. They need your prayers. When was the last time you prayed for your parents? To honor our parents means (3) to pray for them.
4. Show appreciation. Not long ago, my daughter Christina, the same one who gave us the eye rolls in junior high, sent me an email. She said she was looking in the mirror that day and noticed how nice her teeth looked. Then she remembered that Pam and I, years ago, paid for her braces…back when she was rolling her eyes in junior high. In the email Christina said how much she appreciated the sacrifices we had made for her.
I can’t tell you how much her appreciation meant, even though it was more than ten years after-the- fact. I wrote her back saying that during the time we had her in braces, along with her two other sisters, our household income was less than $40,000 a year. But our family of six always had shoes, we always had food, and somehow, by God’s grace, we even found the extra money to pay for all three girls to have braces at the same time.
Expressing appreciation is one of the best ways we can honor our parents. I’ve heard that the average parent today will spend up to $250,000 per child to raise their children. And money is only a small part of the cost. There’s also the investment of time and effort to go to ballgames and all the other activities, in addition to the headaches and heartaches from worrying about all the stuff that might go wrong.
A few weeks ago I got a voice mail from my oldest daughter, Rachel. She had been in town the week prior and I’d taken her shopping for new clothes. Rachel had given birth to Audrey a month earlier and Rachel’s maternity clothes didn’t fit anymore. I had a ton of fun showing my daughter how much I loved her through our shopping experience. She told me probably ten times that day how much she appreciated what I was doing. But I can’t tell how good it felt when she called a week later to tell me again how much she was enjoying her new clothes.
Of all the ways we can honor our parents, showing appreciation may make the biggest impact. I don’t know a parent in the world who has heard “thank you” from their kids too often. The truth is, some parents live their entire lives and never hear “thank you” from their kids even once. I hope that changes after today. Thus, the two keys to the proper care and feeding of parents: obedience and honor.
