Introduction
This is the second message in our series “Desperate Households.” Our goal is to help us live more God-honoring lives in our homes. To do this, today we’re taking a close look at Ephesians 5:21-24. As I begin, I’m going to ask you to listen carefully. What I’m going to share in the introduction involves some extremely important theology. But I think it will help provide a framework to better understand what’s going on in Ephesians 5.
What really matters most in life are relationships. This begins with our relationship with God and then flows to our relationships with other people. In part, this is because God is relational. One of the unique revelations about God in Scripture is that God is one, yet he’s manifested in three persons. This doctrine is known as the Trinity. The Trinity is one of the foundational truths of our faith, yet it involves mystery because human categories always come up short. When we think of three persons it inevitably conjures up ideas of three different people, but God is not three. He is one. We believe in one God, the Maker of heaven and earth. So when we speak about the Triune God, we stand on holy ground that we accept by faith but we freely admit involves mystery.
Yet one thing is clear: The Trinity (God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit) demonstrates the relational essence of the Godhead. Thus, when the Bible says in Genesis 1:27 that we were created in the image of God, part of what this means is that we were created with an intrinsic capacity for relationships. As image-bearers of the Most High God, human beings are essentially relational creatures. We see this played out in the creation narrative. After God created Adam, he said, “it is not good for the man to be alone” and then he created Eve. Adam’s aloneness was not good because he could not experience fully what it means to be created in God’s image as long as he was alone. Why? Because the Triune God is relational! Therefore we need relationships to experience the fullness of his image. This is about much more than just the marriage relationship. None of us, whether we’re married or single, were created to live life alone. We were created to live in community with other people. That’s part of what it means to be created in the image of God. This is why we place such an emphasis on Life Groups at Summit. It’s within the context of relationships that we experience the fullness of what God has created us to be.
Now, it’s interesting to observe in Scripture how the relationships function within the God-head. Above all, there is perfect harmony. God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit have never had a disagreement or a cross word. There’s been no disharmony within the God-head throughout all eternity. Jesus put it like this, “I am in the Father and the Father is in me.” In other words, there’s perfect unity between God the Father and God the Son. And this perfect unity also extends to God the Spirit.
But there is also an ordering of roles within the God-head. For example, God the Father sent God the Son to accomplish the work of salvation. In his prayer to the Father in John 17:4 Jesus said, “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” Do you see? The Father assigned work for Jesus to do. That was the work of showing us the way to heaven. Paul describes this order in the God-head in 1 Corinthians 11:3. He writes, “the head of Christ is God.” This means God the Father is the head of God the Son. And the Son’s headship over the Holy Spirit is evident by Jesus sending the Spirit to continue his work after he ascended back the heaven. In other words, there’s a hierarchy in the God-head. In descending order, God the Father is over God the Son and God the Son is over God the Spirit. We could also describe this in ascending order: God the Spirit submits to God the Son. And God the Son submits to God the Father.
When I was sharing this with Roger Yount, he said, “But Steve that sounds like you’re making Jesus to be less than God!” I said, “Hold on Roger, let me finish.” And I don’t want to lose you either, so keep tracking with me. This is important! God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit are equally God. Remember: there is only one God. But among the three persons of the God-head there’s an ordering of roles. Yet this ordering of roles in no way diminishes the deity of any member of the Trinity. The Holy Spirit is not less-than-God because his role is subordinate to Jesus. And Jesus is not some sort of inferior God because his role is to do the will of the Father. All three persons of the God-head are eternal, all-knowing and all-powerful. In essence each person of the God-head shares all of the divine attributes. But in function they serve different roles in subordination to one another.
Let me make a quick aside here: we need to keep the order of the God-head clear when we’re praying. With some regularity I hear people pray “Father, thank you for dying on the cross.” Well, according to what I’ve taught today regarding the Trinity that would be incorrect. Who died on the cross? Jesus. God the Son died on the cross. Thus, we can say “Father, thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross.” Or, we can say, “Lord, Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross.” I encourage you to keep clear the distinctions in the God-head when you’re praying.
Now, this role distinction in the God-head is paramount to grasp. God created us with the capacity to experience some of the same joy and harmony that he experiences within the community of the God-head. Where we get gummed up is when we begin thinking that if we assume a subordinate role in a relationship it means we become less important, or less valuable than the one who’s over us. But we only have to look at the God-head to see how wrong this thinking is. God the Father and God the Son share equally in the divine nature even though God the Son has a subordinate role to God the Father. The same can also be said about God the Spirit.
So, too, serving different roles in human relationships does not mean that one role is inherently more valuable than any other role. Our roles may be different, but we all share equally in the dignity of being created in God’s image. With that very long introduction, I invite you to turn to Ephesians 5:21. (Read 5:21-24) First of all, let me say that this portion of Scripture has been misused, misapplied and abused more than any other passage. So we’re going to have to work hard to hear its truth over the clanging voices of those who have misused it. And I think a helpful place to begin is verse 21. Keep in mind, in the original text there were no verse and chapter divisions. Those were added later. And there were no subheadings either. So the subheading “wives and husbands” above verse 22 is not inspired. It was placed there by an editor to help organize our reading. But in this case, I’m not sure it’s helpful. I believe Paul intended verses 21 and 22 to be tightly connected with no division between them.
Verse 21 introduces the following section about household relationships. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is where we begin. Not with authority, not with domination, not with pulling rank, but with mutual submission. Submission is the Christ-road. I don’t know how anyone could twist this passage into a misguided manual for machismo if they begin with verse 21. The Christ-way is never about domination or power plays. Christ could have called down legions of angelic warriors to annihilate the Romans. But he didn’t. 1 Peter 2:23 says, “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered he made no threats…” To follow Christ is to do likewise. The Christ-road is always about self-denial.
Now, imagine how your relationships would be transformed if instead of trying to justify or defend yourself, you submitted to those around you. Not because you’re weak or spineless, but because of your reverence for Christ. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” You see, when we trust Christ, when we revere Christ, we don’t always have to be right and we don’t always have to get our way. Imagine how your relationships would be transformed if you began doing that: husbands submitting to their wives; kids submitting to their parents; wives submitting to their husbands. Imagine everyone in your house deferring to the others, letting the others have their way. That’s what it means to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Paul describes it like this in Philippians 2:3&4. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” What would your household sound like if no one looked to their own interests, but only to the interests of others? It would be pretty cool, wouldn’t it? I think it would be like the kind of harmony that the God-head experiences. Different roles, yes! But each member valued, appreciated, special and needed.
So as we begin our journey into this very controversial passage, let’s make sure we understand the context. (1) Role distinctions and relational hierarchy can be traced all the way back into eternity. They’re evident before time began; woven into the essence of the relationship between God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. (2) The stepping off point in this passage, in verse 21, is a clarion call for mutual submission similar to the kind of submission we see in the God-head. And please note: this submission is offered out of reverence for Christ. In other words, we offer our submission to one another because we’re following Christ’s example. We do it out of reverence and respect for Jesus.
Then, in verse 22, Paul fleshes out the ramifications of being mutually submitted to one another in our homes. He begins first with wives, then speaks to husbands, then to children, and finally, to parents. Last week we focused on husbands. Today, we look more carefully at wives. Now I realize that not all of us are married. But I don’t want those who are single to tune me out. I want to encourage you to listen carefully. I think the principles in this passage have significant application beyond marriage. I think the principles in this passage can also be helpful for male-female relationships in general. (Read 5:22-24)
The key word in this passage is submit. The word is hupotasso in the Greek. Hupotasso is a military term that means to arrange or rank under. For example, in the Army a Captain ranks under a Major and a Major ranks under a Colonel. In this passage the word submit is in the middle voice. The middle voice in Greek means the action is offered freely, without coercion. Thus, wives submit themselves. Submission is not imposed by someone else. In this case, submission is offered by the wife willingly.
God never intended for submission to be imposed on the wife by her husband. It’s to be freely offered “as to the Lord,” Paul says. Nowhere in Scripture do we read "Husband, see that your wife submits to you...." That’s not found anywhere. Submission by a wife to her husband is an act of worship offered in response to God’s grace. The husband’s role isn’t to force her to obey. His role is to love his wife (we talked about that last week).
As we consider submission, first of all I want to be clear about what it is not. Submission by a wife does not mean being trampled on. Submission never gives a husband an excuse to abuse or rule over his wife like a dictator. To the contrary, a husband’s role is to reflect the kind of sacrificial love Christ has for the church.
A wife brings feelings, ideas, knowledge, wisdom, strength, resources, creativity and a thousand other assets into the marriage relationship. Submission doesn’t mean she leaves all those virtues at the door bowing down before her husband’s every whim. The godly woman described in Proverbs 31 is ambitious, industrious and talented. She compliments her husband. Her husband encourages her to develop her fullest potential. So let’s first be clear about what submission is not. It’s not trampling on the wife. So then what does it mean for a wife to be submissive to her husband? What does submission look like? Let me offer seven suggestions. Submission is…
1. Helping your husband to fulfill his potential.
God created wives to compliment their husbands; to help make them complete. Eve was a “suitable helper” for Adam. She was to help Adam become all that God intended. Just like Adam was also to complete Eve. Together there was to be synergy in their relationship. God’s design in marriage is that 1+1 equals more than 2. One wife said that her husband fills in her gaps. That’s a great description of how marriage is supposed to work. When a wife submits to her husband, she fills in his gaps, just as the husband also does for his wife.
At the very least, this means that a wife will help her husband fulfill his potential by being his prayer warrior. Wives, your prayers for your husband may be the most important contribution you make to his life. One of the greatest blessings I’ve experienced as a husband is knowing my wife Pam faithfully asks God to bless and guide my life and ministry. (1) Submission is helping your husband fulfill his potential
Submission is also….
2. Openly showing respect for your husband.
I hope it comes as no surprise when I say that men and women are different. This difference is captured clearly in Ephesians 5:33. (Read) Please notice that men are told to "love their wives" and women are told to "respect their husbands." That’s an incredibly important distinction. One of the most fundamental needs that a woman has is to be loved. She needs to know her husband loves her. But one of the most fundamental needs for a man is to be respected. God created men with a need to accomplish, to conquer, and achieve. You can see this on the playground or in the classroom or in business settings.
Women, please understand how God has made men. Men need to be respected. It’s incredibly important for you to tell your man verbally that you appreciate his talents and his strengths. Ten people may come up to me on Sunday and encourage me by telling me the message blessed them. But there’s really only one voice that matters to me. I need to hear from Pam what she thinks. God designed marriage to be a key relationship through which husbands would feel respect. So praise your man! He needs it! (2) Submission is openly showing respect for your husband.
Submission is also...
3. Being responsive to your husband’s leadership.
Stand with him. Listen and be willing to follow him. And be very, very careful with criticism. A wife’s critical words can absolutely rip her husband’s confidence. Ladies, you may be smarter than your husband. You may be more talented. You may be more athletic. But God doesn’t tell wives to submit to their husbands only when she thinks her husband is worthy of following. Submission is being responsive to your husband’s leadership because it honors God.
Submission is also…
4. Being supportive of your husband’s goals.
I praise God that he gave me a woman who was willing to follow my crazy dream of serving as a missionary overseas. Before we married, Pam had hardly been out of California, let alone out of the country. But she was willing to go wherever God called me. After we first visited Chile in 1981 on an internship, Pam really didn’t want to go back. During the internship, we saw some problems that soured Pam. We talked about it for a couple of months and, finally, I decided God really did want us to go to South America. Pam swallowed and said, "Alright, you’re my husband. I’ll follow you." And she never looked back. The problems came but she never said, "I told you so." Pam went with me, she supported me 100%, she loved the Chilean people with me and then, when God ripped our heart out by telling us it was time to go back to the USA, Pam was right there. "You’re my husband. I’ll follow you." Submission is being responsive to your husband’s leadership.
Submission is also…
5. Laying aside your rights for your husband.
This idea of laying aside our rights is not just reserved for wives. It’s something that every Christian is called to do. Keep in mind what I said last week regarding God’s plan for a husband to love his wife. Dying to self is God’s will for every believer. In Galatians 2:20 Paul writes, "For I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." If we’re growing in Christ, it will mean increasingly dying to self-will, to self-centeredness and to selfishness. Marriage is a laboratory God often uses to test to see how much self still remains in us. Usually it’s easier to give up our rights in relationships outside our home. The hardest place for most of us to walk in the Spirit is in our home.
Submission is also…
6. Being involved with your husband’s interests.
If your husband likes to golf, maybe you should take up golf. If he likes to fish, maybe you should place your dislike for fishing on the altar and enter your husband’s world. Wives, do you know enough about your husband’s career that you can carry on a meaningful discussion with him?
Finally, (7) submission is also…
7. Caring for your husband with love and tenderness. One of things that often happens in marriage is that when children come along, the wife will invest 100% in the kids and have no energy or motivation left to care for her husband. If that describes you, you may need to make some changes. Submission isn’t passive. God doesn’t want you to just sit there and "be submissive." It means actively caring for your husband. It means taking time and energy to show that you love him.
Conclusion
Now let’s look back at Ephesians 5. Notice again verse 23. (Read) Notice the phrase, “Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” This reminds that Christ is the head of the church, but his authority to be the head comes from dying on the cross as our Savior. I see here, once again, a reminder that the Christ-road always involves sacrifice and selflessness. Our passage today begins in verse 21 with a call for mutual submission. Then, in verse 22, wives are reminded they have a special God-honoring role in submission to their husbands. But, in verse 23, even while Paul still addresses wives, we see that husbands are never far from the shadow of the cross. Jesus’ authority comes from his willingness to die on our behalf. And the cross-life also calls husbands to base their authority on dying to self.
Gary Inrig in his book, “True North, Discovering God’s Way in a Changing World,” quotes Tom Anderson who tried to show authentic love to his wife. Tom made a vow to himself as he drove with his family to spend two weeks at a vacation cottage. For two weeks he would try to be a loving husband and father. He made the decision after listening to a teaching tape. The speaker said, “Love is an act of the will. A person can choose to love.” Tom admitted that he had been a selfish husband so he made the commitment for two weeks to make changes.
Right from the moment they arrived at the cottage he kissed his wife Evelyn at the door and said, “The new yellow sweater looks great on you.” “Oh, Tom, you noticed” she said, surprised, pleased, and maybe a little shocked.
After the long drive, Tom wanted to sit and read. Evelyn suggested a walk on the beach. He started to refuse, but then thought, Evelyn’s been alone with the kids at home and now she wants to be with me. He agreed and walked with his wife on the beach while their kids flew kites.
For two weeks Tom did not call the Wall Street investment firm where he was a director. However, he did visit the shell museum, although he didn’t like museums. His wife seemed so relaxed and happy that he decided to keep remembering to choose to love even after they got home from vacation. But on the last night of their vacation his wife stared at him with the saddest expression. Tom asked, “What’s the matter?” “Tom,” she said, in a voice filled with distress, “do you know something I don’t know?”
“What do you mean?” “Well…that check-up I had several weeks ago…our doctor…did he tell you something about me? Tom, you’ve been so good to me…am I dying?” It took a moment for it all to sink in. Then Tom burst out laughing. “No honey,” he said, wrapping her up in his arms, “you’re not dying; I’m just starting to live!”
