Introduction
The transformation of the American family during my lifetime has been nothing short of breathtaking. When I was a kid the television shows we watched were Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver. All three shows dealt with middle class families with mom and dad and the kids living happily in suburbia. The closest thing to family dysfunction was My Three Sons with Fred McMurray raising three boys without a wife around.
My, oh my, how times have changed! These changes are epitomized by the title of one of today’s most popular shows: Desperate Housewives. Think about it. In the short span of my lifetime our society’s ideals of marriage and family have shifted from Ward and June Cleaver as role models to a band of backbiting sexually indiscreet women.
The changes in the American family have been shocking, to say the least. But I don’t think it’s helpful to sit around moping while we pine away with long faces yearning for the good old days. That won’t do any good and it certainly won’t change anything. The fact is, we can’t go back in time. Often people bemoan this, but the fact is we live in the 21st century. And God wants to equip us to live here and now in the real world where we find ourselves.
So, with that in mind, we’re calling this new series “Desperate Households.” I think the title captures the urgency of our time. To one extent or another, all of us are struggling to find ways to make our households work. But the challenges we face today are much different than those faced by our grandparents. For instance, today 43% of the US adult population is single. In other words, 95.7 million Americans over the age of 15 are not married. The world has changed! To quote Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, “Todo, we’re not in Kansas anymore!” I think to some extent these changes have caught people off-guard; particularly those of us in the church. In general, the church has not responded well to the changes in the American family. All too often Christ-followers have tried to retreat by isolating themselves from what they perceive as a disintegrating society. But, I remind you, nowhere in the Bible do we find God retreating from hurting people. Quite the opposite! When God came to earth in the person of Jesus, he buried himself up to his elbows in the stuff of people’s lives!
Instead of retreating, I think the Lord wants us to move forward! The truths in God’s Word have never been more relevant than they are today! For example, I think people need to be reminded that there’s not one example of what we could call a perfect family in Scripture. Ozzie and Harriet simply aren’t in the Bible. Rather we have Abraham who committed adultery and bore a son thru his wife’s maid. We have Jacob a liar and cheat who had children by two different wives and two maids. We have Moses who grew up as a foster child in Pharaoh’s palace. King David is called “a man after God’s own heart,” but his family had incest and sexual abuse. The prophet Hosea married a prostitute and Jesus more than likely lost his father while he was young and lived in a single parent home.
Do you see? There are no perfect households in the Bible! And there are no perfect households on earth. The Bible says none are perfect. “We’ve all fallen short of the glory of God.” As a result, not one of our households is perfect. This means we all need God’s grace! This means we all need God’s help! And that help comes primarily from God’s inspired Word, the Bible. The passage that we’re going to consider over the next four weeks begins in Ephesians 5:21. This passage offers God’s roadmap for building healthy, functional households in spite of all the craziness around us.
Today we’re going to focus on verses 25-33. I want you to notice especially that husbands are told to “love their wives” three different times. The same command is repeated in verses 25, 28 and 33. You might underline each time the phrase appears in your Bible. All three times the Greek word for love is agape. The love that husbands are called to give their wives is unconditional. It’s the opposite of selfishness. Agape love puts others first. In other words, a husband’s love for his wife is to be nothing less than a reflection of God’s love.
(Read Eph. 5:25-33) Look back at verse 25. Men, what I’m going to share today will be helpful for you, whether or not you are married. The principles found in this passage are helpful for all men (single, married or divorced) in their relationships with women. With this in mind, men, would you repeat verse 25 out loud with me? "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." I think this is one of the most challenging verses in the Bible. Why? Because the verse calls me to love sacrificially, like Christ. It calls me to give up my rights; to be selfless instead of being selfish.
Now look at verse 26. Like Christ does with the church, I’m also called to love my wife into purity…“to present her…as radiant, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
Now look at verse 28. I’m also called to love by nurturing, caring for and protecting my wife. In fact, I’m to love and care for my wife like I care for my own body! Please notice that nowhere is anything mentioned that associates my love for Pam with warm, fuzzy emotions. Agape love isn’t necessarily a feeling. Agape love is an act of the will; it’s a choice. Because we live in such a beauty obsessed society, I think it’s worth noting that Christ’s love for us is not based on our attractiveness. Quite the opposite! Jesus loved us when we were still scarred and ugly with sin. In a similar way, a husband’s love for his wife has nothing to do with her physical attractiveness or personality or prestige.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Men this means practical things like turning off the television, doing the dishes or helping to change dirty diapers. It means caring for your wife’s emotional and physical needs. But, in addition, an essential dimension of this kind of love is effective communication. If husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church, then, men, we’re going to have to become communication experts with our woman. Why? Because to love means to communicate!
This won’t be easy because men and women are wired so differently. Have you noticed that? A college computer professor who had previously been a sailor was aware that ships are often referred to as a feminine “she.” He wondered what gender computers should be addressed with. To answer the question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first group was all men. The second group was all women. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender.
The women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender for the following reasons:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better one.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
3. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
There’s no doubt the difference between men and women is vast. Someone once observed that men are hunters and women are hinters. Hunters are task oriented. Give a man a job; set a time limit and he’ll turn to and do it most of the time. Men are bottom line people. But communication with women tends to be more subtle; women tend to use hints. Sometimes when Pam is talking about our Friday night date, she’ll slip in a comment about a restaurant we’ve never been to. What she’s really doing is hinting about what she’d like to do. Now, I know it would be easier if women would say what they want, but most of the time this doesn’t happen. Women want their husbands to take the initiative; to be proactive; to listen carefully to pick up their hints. Our wives think if we really loved them, if we were really connected to them, then we would intuitively know what they want. Thus, one challenge in communication is the difference between hunters and hinters.
Another difference between men and women is that men are solvers and women are sensors. Often when Pam is explaining a problem at her work, I’ll have the solution completely figured out even before she’s done explaining things. Early on a few times I even tried telling her how to solve those problems….before she was even done explaining things. But I quickly learned what Pam wanted was not a 1-2-3 step solution; she didn’t need a solution; what she needed a listening ear.
Men tend to think of communication in black and white. Dragnet was an old cop show on television. The star used to say, “Just the facts, ma’am. Just give me the facts.” That’s the way it is with men. But women tend to be different. In addition to facts, a woman’s communication matrix also includes emotions, intuition and feelings. Where men tend to think in black and white, women tend to think in living color. Men are solvers and women are sensors.
Another difference that makes communication so difficult is that men are tight-lipped and women are talkers. Sociologists tell us that men, on average, speak about 12,000 words a day. Women, on the other hand, can speak up to 24,000 words a day. Now here’s what happens in my home. While I’m at work all day, I use up most of my 12,000 words. So when we sit down for dinner Pam usually asks about my day. Often I just say, “It was fine.” But by dinner time Pam has only used up half of her words for the day so my saying “it was fine” doesn’t cut it. She wants me to offer a lot more detail than that; and then she wants me to listen carefully as she pours out the remaining 12,000 words in her daily word allotment. What’s happening with this? Well, in general, men are tight-lipped and women are talkers.
Now, if you’re not married, I hope you won’t tune me out. Because the communication strategies I’m going to share work in all relationships: with friends, with neighbors or at work. But the reason I bring them up now is because the passage we’re considering says, “Husbands, love you wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Far too often communication is considered more of the woman’s concern. But I’d like to suggest to the men here if we’re going to love our wives as Christ loved the church, then we’re going to have to get serious about becoming extraordinary communicators. Why? Because to love means, in part, to communicate!
To help us with this, I want to point out three keys for communication found earlier in this same book, beginning in Ephesians 4:25. We’ve all heard the phrase TLC. Sometimes Pam will tell me that so and so needs a little TLC. It means they’re hurting or they need extra attention. TLC, of course, usually stands for tender loving care. But today I want you to think of TLC as Truthfully, Lovingly and Compassionately. God wants us to communicate with each other with TLC: truthfully, lovingly and compassionately.
Look with me at Ephesians 4:25. (Read from the NIV) Would you read this out loud with me? How are we to communicate with our neighbor? Truthfully! The neighbor referred to in the verse can be your spouse, your friend, or whoever. God’s communication plan calls us to put off falsehood. This means we stop pretending; we stop covering up and begin speaking honestly with each other.
Every time I do this with Pam, God shows up! A few weeks ago Pam wanted to share some personal things with me that she’d been discovering about herself. Those things included some new insights about me and about our relationship together. Pam had written these down in her journal. But she wasn’t quite sure how to share them because they were really sensitive. Finally, Pam asked me to read part of her journal on my day off. She went to work and I went off to swimming. But, later, as soon as I sat down at Starbucks to begin my devotional time, I picked up the journal and read what Pam wrote.
Quite honestly, I was surprised by the things she was feeling. But I felt incredibly honored that Pam would share with me her honest, gut-level feelings about those things. Later that day, we met for lunch and she asked me what I thought. I told her I wanted a few more days to mull over what she’d written. I needed time to process it, especially the things she’d been feeling about me.
A few days later, on Sunday afternoon, after church, when I knew we would have several hours alone, we sat down to talk. The conversation went on non-stop for over four hours. It was one of the most incredibly beautiful and honest conversations we’ve had in our thirty years of marriage. I think we’ve always had a great relationship. And for the most part, we’ve had great communication. But that night we went to a whole new level. Masks came off both of us that we didn’t even know were there. In a word, we spoke to each other truthfully. And it was amazing!
Paul says, “Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” Speaking truthfully with each other pulls back the shrouds we use to hide ourselves. Some of us have said what other people have wanted us to say our whole lives. This is so ingrained that we’re not even sure who we are or what we think or what we feel about anything. That’s not being truthful. That’s hiding behind a mask trying to please others. Speaking truthfully takes off those masks. It means becoming vulnerable; exposing who we are, with all our fears, our hurts and our hang-ups.
Did you notice that Pam and I waited for the right time to do this? It was after church when I wasn’t focused on the upcoming weekend services. We were both relaxed. We didn’t have time pressures. We had the whole evening completely uninterrupted to devote to the conversation. And like I said, it was amazing!
God’s communication plan is that we speak truthfully. But it also includes speaking lovingly. Look at Ephesians 4:15. (Read) You might underline the phrase “speaking the truth in love.” In the original language it means “truthing in love.” It’s been said that truth without love is brutality, but love without truth is hypocrisy. We need both: truth and love.
This is especially important to keep in mind when we have conflict with someone. Listen to Proverbs 15:1. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Would you repeat that with me out loud? Have you ever seen this in action? I know I have. My wife, Pam, is a born peacemaker. She has this amazing God-given ability to calm things down. Her gentle answers have turned away more wrath in my lifetime than I can measure. I wish I could say that about myself. But more often than not, I’m the knucklehead who says the harsh word that stirs up anger instead of calming it down.
Speaking in love implies all kinds of things. For example, it means not trying to get even in verbal wars speaking tit for tat. Like somehow if your wife says this really mean thing then you’re justified to say something even more rotten. That’s nonsense! Loving communication means shutting off the verbal picking and sniping.
One of the things Pam and I have enjoyed in the last few years is sharing lingering evening meals together. When our kids were younger, Pam and I would set speed records eating fast so we’d be free to help our kids. We kept up that speed eating habit for years…long after the kids were grown. But in more recent times, once or twice a week, we’ve enjoyed sharing a leisurely evening meal. I think carving out this unhurried time to be together has helped make our communication more loving during the rest of the week. Somehow more time together has helped upscale the love quotient in our communication.
Thus, we see God’s communication plan is TLC: speaking TRUTHFULLY, speaking LOVINGLY, and finally, speaking COMPASSIONATELY. Look at Ephesians 4:32. (Read in NIV) Would you repeat that out loud with me? It’s hard to speak compassionately with someone if you’re angry with them. Have you noticed that? That’s why verse 32 links compassion with forgiveness. As long as I hold something against someone else, as long as I remain angry for whatever they did to hurt me, it’s going to be difficult to feel much compassion. But once we forgive the other person, once we release them from the wrong they may have done to us, then compassion for them begins to flow more easily.
A number of years ago, Newsweek Magazine carried the story of the memorial service held for Hubert Humphrey, former vice-president of the United States. Hundreds of people came from all over the world to say good-bye to their old friend and colleague. But one person who came was shunned and ignored by virtually everyone present. No one would look at him, much less speak to him. That person was former president Richard Nixon. Not long before, Nixon had gone through the shame of the Watergate scandal. He was back in Washington for the first time since his resignation from the presidency.
Then, a very special thing occurred that made a difference. President Jimmy Carter, who was in the White House at that time, came into the room. Before he was seated, he saw Nixon over against the wall, all by himself. He went over to Nixon as though he were greeting a long lost family member. President Carter stuck out his hand to the former president and smiled broadly, as only he could. To the surprise of everyone there, the two of them embraced each other and Carter said, “Welcome home, Mr. President, welcome home!” Commenting on that occasion, the article in Newsweek said, “If there was a turning point in Nixon’s long ordeal in the wilderness, it was that moment and that gesture of love and compassion.”
The Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” God’s forgiveness knows no limits. Because of what he’s done for us in Christ, we’re also called to forgive and then to offer kindness and compassion to the very ones who may have hurt us. I encourage you to think about that this week regarding your household. Thus, we see that God’s communication plan is TLC. The Lord wants us to speak truthfully; he wants us to speak lovingly; and he wants us to speak compassionately. These communication principles will work in every one of our households, whether we’re married or single. Now, to wrap up: Husbands, God has placed a huge responsibility upon us to love our wives as Christ loved the church. This means loving by giving selflessly and by sacrificing. But it also means to love our wives by communicating well with them. Several years ago, one man really got this one right. He was a comedian named Jack Kublesky. He was from Waukegan, Illinois.
He passed away years ago, but his professional name was Jack Benny. When he was a young man, Jack worked in the same studio as a young lady he wanted to date. He thought she was beautiful, but he was too shy to ask her out. He couldn’t get up the courage, so he started sending a single red rose to her desk with no note attached. Every day she received a red rose. Finally, she asked the delivery man who was sending the roses. He said a guy named Jack who worked in the same studio. She then found out who he was. Eventually they began talking and Jack asked her out on a date. She thought after they started dating the roses would stop. But they didn’t. They kept coming….a single red rose every day.
They were engaged and then she thought the roses would stop. But they didn’t. The roses kept coming even after they were married. Every day a single red rose would show up for Mrs. Benny. After decades of marriage they still kept coming, every day of their entire marriage, until Jack Benny finally passed away. The day after the funeral, you guessed it, a single red rose showed up for Mrs. Benny. After several days of this, Mrs. Benny finally went to the florist and said, “I don’t know if you realize this or not, but Mr. Benny passed away. I know it is kind of you, but you don’t need to send the roses any more.” The florist responded, “Mrs. Benny, you don’t understand. Jack made provision years ago to provide you with a single red rose every day for the rest of your life.” Now that’s what I call loving lavishly! Men, let’s go and do likewise!
