Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus so how can the two ever live together?
There is no couple having completed their marriage vows that do not desire to have a loving, happy, long lasting marriage. The question is what happens to cause this dream to become a nightmare. Too often after the honey moon, the honey disappears along with the love and the happiness. What happens to a couple to cause them to hate who they once loved? I cannot say I have the answers but I know that by the grace of God having a loving, happy, long lasting marriage is possible.
When God created Adam and Eve he created them with the idea that they would have a loving, happy long lasting relationship but what happened? Sin happened!! That’s what happened!! Satan has and will always seek to destroy the Godly family as it represents the family of God on earth. Without the God ordained family man is on his way to total annihilation. Godly principles are best taught within the confines of a Godly marriage relationship, one in which the partners are loving and happy.
Brothers and sisters one of the first steps in having a loving, happy, long lasting partnership is to recognise that your marriage is a testimony and a witness for God. Satan would have all to believe that marriages cannot work. He would have men to believe that it is better to live in fornication (cohabitation) than to be bonded in a ceremony before God. Married couples must see it as their duty to God to prove this a lie and to show to the world and to the universe that they can be loving, happy, long lasting marriages in this sinful world. This to my mind is the bedrock and the foundation; the underlying philosophy that any two Christians should have if they want to have a loving happy long lasting marriage.
Both parties must set their relationship with God as top priority taking heed to Jesus’ advice when he said in Matt. 22:37
…., Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is a fundamental and necessary part of the success formula.
Each partner must value his/her relationship with God and should find time to spend quality time with him! Paul Tournier in ‘the Healing of Persons’ wrote and I quote “ When each of the marriage partners seeks quietly before God to see his/her own faults, recognises his sin, and asks the forgiveness of the other, marital problems are no more.” End of quote.
Remember Hannah let us turn to 1 Sam. 1:9-11 So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD. 10And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore. 11And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.
Hannah took time to speak to God alone.
They are things we only want God to hear.
Issues in our lives that only God can solve and
Burdens only God can lift from our shoulder.
Yes we must spend some quiet time with God alone, it does not matter how close your spousal relationship is, God needs to spend some time alone with you and you need to spend some time alone with GOD. It is here that you gain the strength, wisdom and humility to deal with the challenges which will come your way. You can rest assured that the enemy will not rest idly by while you and your spouse build a loving, happy relationship
However, spending alone with God is not sufficient we must also spend time together with God. 1 Sam. 1:19 states: And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the LORD remembered her.
Before leaving, Hannan ensured that the family worshiped together. When we worshiped together all wrongs are righted. We cannot worship together correctly and walk away still having anger in our hearts. The couple must pray for each other asking God to bless him to help you to be the best spouse that you can be; providing support and encouragement for him. Prayer should not be used as a battering tool to remind the spouse of all that he has done wrong!!
It is so good to hear your spouse praying for your ministry, asking God to help you in your eldership capacity, or whatever office or endeavour you may be pursuing. It is refreshing. It tells you that you have support: It tells you that she/he is conscious of the pressures you may be undergoing. It’s a marvellous experience. You get off your knees feeling more indebted to God for giving you such a spouse.
This nurtures the love that God has placed in your heart for your partner, a love that must be nourished day by day so that it would never grow cold. Paul through the Holy Spirit admonishes the men in Eph. 5:25 saying : Husbands love your wives, even as Christ love the church and gave himself for it. I believe this also applies to wives as well; In the 4th chapter of this same book verses 1 and 2 he says:
I therefore the prisoner of the LORD, beseech you that you walk worthy of your vocation wherewith ye were called, with all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love.
In this matter I admire the relationship Abraham and Sarah had. In Gen. 12: 13
Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
Abraham asked Sarah to lie for him because he was afraid that they would kill him and take her and she did. She did it this not once but twice (chp. 20). She did it at great peril to herself as well.
Too many men testify to loving their wives but hardly show them any affection.
When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew had found her prince. At six feet three inches, Richard’ 195 pounds were as lean and muscular at age twenty-three as they had been when Jane admired him on the basket ball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome, Richard was the strong silent type, which only made him more intriguing to Jane. Dates with Richard felt exciting, and when he held her in his arms the passion level went right off the scale.
“We’ve got the right chemistry,” Jane assured herself.
However after a just a few months of marriage, the passion began to fade. Jane started noticing something a bit odd: Whenever she cuddled up for a hug or a little kiss, Richard became sexually aroused almost immediately. Almost without exception physical contact led to straight to the bedroom. Richard did not know how to express affection in any other way.
Along came Bob at work. He gave Jane the occasional hug. How she love that. Then one day he gave her a peck on the cheek and this caused her temperature to reach new levels. Bob then started to write her little innocent but special notes. Soon Jane was looking forward each day to get her dose of affection. Eventually she found herself in the arms of Bob.
Why because Bob gave her the affection she so craved. Some men are not the affectionate type and it reflects in the state of marriages. If we want a happy, loving long lasting marriage we must display our love in a show of affection. The ladies love it: Some ways that we can show affection are
• Hug and kiss your wife every morning while you are still in bed
• Tell her that you love her while sitting at the breakfast table
• Kiss her before leaving for work
• Bring her flowers once in a while as a surprise( of course with a card)
• Obtain gifts for her on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day etc. you have to learn how to shop for your wife.)
•Call her during the day to see how she is doing.
•On arriving home from work give her a hug and a kiss. Spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went.
•Help with some of the house hold chores
•Hug and kiss her every night, before you both go to sleep.
This is obviously not all the things that you can do. Talk to your wife and she will let you know how you can demonstrate that affection. There are many more but the important thing is that we start putting them into practice. Remember it is not about you it is about her. It is not about meeting your needs it is about meeting her needs. At first it may seem artificial and contrived but after it becomes a habit it fits into your routine as if it was always there. Friends once we perfect the art of showing affection what we require will come more easily and be more enjoyable. An affectionate atmosphere is the best environment for developing loving relationships. However to develop such an atmosphere we need to communicate. The husband needs to hear what pleases his wife and the wife needs to know what pleases her husband. As a wife needs affection the husband requires admiration.
Good communication is absolutely essential to a loving and happy relationship. We need to share our dreams and our goals. We must take our conversation to the feeling level. Let your spouse know how you feel about whatever you are discussing, let him know how you feel when he says certain words, but never cast blame: Use expressions such as “ When you said that it made feel hurt!” or when you pay so much attention to the baby I feel rejected.” At the same time we must listen with our hearts and not just our ears. Men must be able to interpret what women really mean when they speak. Consider the scenario:
Juliette comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.
She says, “ There is so much to do; I don’t have any time to myself.”
Chris says, “You should quit that job. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.”
Juliette replies, “But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.”
“Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do.”
“I am.” Juliette retorts, “ I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”
“Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”
Juliette says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me!”
Chris replies “ You worry to much that is why you are so unhappy.” Mary now angry replies “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?”
To which Chris answers “ I’m listening” and Juliette ends the conversation with
“ Why do I even bother?”
Was Juliette better off after the conversation? No! All Chris had to do was listen. Men are always seeking solutions to every problem but Juliette was not looking for solutions she was looking for empathy. Men must learn to echo their spouses feeling.
However, even in communicating we must know the correct time and place for every conversation and How to say what you really want to say. Learn your spouse’s habits, when he is open to conversation and when he is not. Men need to have time alone. A complaining and nagging wife will only succeed in driving a man out of the house. Proverbs 21:19 puts it this way;
19 It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarreling and complaining wife.
(NCV)
It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and fretful wife. (the New Revised Standard Version)
A man loves a home where he can come to and get away from the hussle and bustle of the world out there. A place where he is treated like a king and does not have to beg for such treatment. He scarcely needs another argument or fight to supplement the ones he has had at work. A woman needs to find out from her husband what she can do to make home more attractive for him, and then put his suggestions into practice. He may suggest that she keep the children quiet when he comes home to give him at least half hour peace. Or that he really would appreciate coming home to a home cook meal. The suggestions may mean more work for her but it should all be done in the spirit of love. After all, love calls for sacrifice. Let us learn to prefer another above ourself.
In all of this Brothers and sisters we must enjoy each other company. The bible tells us Gen. 26: 8
And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time that Abimelech king of the Philistines liked out at a window and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
Isaac and Rebekah were having some fun together. We must spend some quality time together, wash the vehicle together, do different tasks together. It is amazing how close people become when they do things together. Learn to take interest in each others recreational activity. Men love to have their wives interested in what they are doing so women get interested. Find out what activities both you and your spouse enjoy and do them. This is very important in a man’s life, having his wife participating in an activity that both he and she loves.
As we continue to look for ways to keep our love alive, the old flames will keep burning until one of leave this earth. But we must never give up.The moment we give up Satan triumphs and God is disgraced. Every effort must be made to meet the needs of each other.
Brothers and sisters this I leave with you, six expressions of love which fulfils six needs of both men and women
Women need caring and men need to be trusted
Women need understanding and men need acceptance
Women need respect and men need appreciation
Women need devotion and men need admiration
Women need validation and men need approval
Women reassurance and men need encouragement
May we by God’s grace learn to fulfil each others needs and so have, loving, happy long lasting marriages. Knowing that a Godly marriage is a witness for God both to men and to the universe.
