Series: Christianity Uncensored
Message #5: Anger Uncensored
By: Jud Wilhite
Anger can be a reality in our lives. There is a term for anger on the road and it’s road rage. There is a Web site called roadragers.com that gives some interesting statistics. It says that when you are on the road seventy percent of Americans admit that they will often tailgate someone to try and get them to go faster. I wouldn’t know anything about that but that’s what the statistics say. Seventy-one percent of Americans will use their horn to get someone in front of them to move on or get out of the way. Seventy-seven percent of Americans will engage in obscene gestures. Unless you are female and then the number goes up to eighty percent.
As your pastor, I need to tell you that when you wave at people without enough fingers out on the road it can be a very dangerous thing. In fact, a headline in a newspaper near Salt Lake City said this about two drivers that got into a little scuffle. In fact, the headline read this way: “Road Rage Bullet Hits Tip of a Raised Finger.” Apparently a twenty-five-year-old man was sitting at a stop light at 12:40 a.m. when a woman pulls up right beside him. The light turns green. Both of them are trying to get on Interstate 15. She begins to drive aggressively so he begins to drive aggressively. She yells something at him so he waves at her without all his fingers. She pulls out a .357 caliber gun and fires four shots into the car. One of which, no lie, hits his middle finger. I guarantee you next time this guy hits road rage out on the road he’s going to think before he acts. It can be dangerous.
Isn’t it interesting how anger can take something so small as a light going from red to green and can escalate in our lives until now someone’s pulling out a .357 and firing bullets? Cops are involved. Car chases are involved. People are going to prison. Yet it happens all the time. It happens in families, in homes, in work relationships - where anger gets in the way and gets deep into our lives. It erupts and causes all kinds of damage.
We’ve been in this series called Christianity uncensored. We’ve been looking through the book of James. James was the half brother of Jesus. James brings a lot of really powerful and straight up teaching. He’s just peeling the facade back and laying out what it means to be a follower of Christ in a very real and practical way. In James 4:1 he asks this question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” What causes these fights that go on in our lives? It’s a very important question that we pause and look at.
Statistics say that in one quarter of marriages there is domestic violence that goes on. That number is probably low because so much of it isn’t reported. We see it in marriages that no matter what level the physical violence has gotten to, every couple knows what it’s like to cling to their corner of the bed mattress with tears in their eyes and hurt in their hearts as a result of that hurt and anger. We see it in family relationships where some people have competed with their siblings throughout their entire lives to inch out and be better than them or to win their parents’ approval and love. It plays out in their whole journey. We see it all around us – the results of anger and conflict.
In fact, I was watching Sports Center late last night. They were saying this is the one-year anniversary where the Pistons and another basketball team had the worst brawl in sports history. It went up into the stands and people are clobbering everyone. It’s chaos. Nine players are suspended. Ten million dollars in salaries have been lost over the last year because of an eruption of anger.
It happens for lots of reasons. When we get angry it’s important to first look beneath the surface. Let’s say you go up to a girl and ask her out on a date. She looks at you and says; “I don’t think so.” You immediately begin to feel some anger rising up. Why? You’ve been hurt. Let’s say you are on the road and you are driving. You have to get to work but all these other cars are in the way. It’s backed up. You know you are going to be late. You’ve been late before and if you are late again you are going to be in big trouble. You get really frustrated and you start banging the steering wheel. Why? Because you are frustrated.
Last Monday night we had lots of friends over because the Dallas Cowboys were playing the Philadelphia Eagles. The Cowboys were playing horribly. I’m angry. Why? Because they are playing horribly. I’m watching the game and I’m thinking, “God, how can you let Your team lose?” How does it come to this? Everybody leaves my house. There are three or four minutes left in the game. Everybody is gone. Lori is upstairs putting the kids down. I’m all alone in my living room around dirty plates with pizza on them. I’m thinking, “This is it. It’s over.” Then out of nowhere God answered my prayers. The Cowboys won in the last three minutes. I’m dancing around the house. I’m yelling. Lori is saying, “You’re going to wake the kids up – STOP!” I was so excited. Anger can happen in all kinds of ways in our lives.
Let’s look at James’ question. What causes fights and quarrels among you? By the way, I’m only gloating about the Cowboys because I know that’s probably my last chance to gloat. Now I’ll get grief the rest of the season. What causes fights and quarrels among you? He says in James 4:1, “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it. You kill and you covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and you fight.” The word fight there is an interesting word. It can literally be translated as battle or war. James is saying, “Why do we have these intense conflicts?”
Sometimes anger in our lives can be a good thing. When you see injustice in our world or wrong things happen, the Bible talks about a righteous anger. For instance, if you see someone get hurt or abused have you ever felt anger well up inside of you at that? I saw some things last week on TV about the child sex trade that is going on globally around the world. I’m telling you, that kind of sense of anger wells up. This is the most horrible stuff I’ve ever heard in my life. There is a place for righteous anger. What James is talking about is the battle and strife that happens at an unhealthy level between two people who are going after it. He says, “What causes it? Isn’t it the selfish desires that battle within you?” That word desire is a Greek word. We get the English word hedonism from that word. This idea for more lust, pleasure, and indulgence. All of that desire for more just gets in the way. It causes tension in our lives.
It’s like the couple that was arguing over the new car that they were going to get. The husband really wanted to get a pick-up truck and the wife really wanted to get a sports car. They were going round and round. Finally she said, “You listen to me buddy. I want a car that will go from zero to 180 in under four seconds. It better be in the driveway on my birthday or there is going to be trouble.” She walked away. They didn’t talk much the next week. Her birthday comes, she pulls in the driveway and there is no car there. She gets out and she’s fuming mad. She walks into her house and goes back to the back bathroom. She’s putting some makeup on and notices this little box in the bathroom. It has a little bow on it and it’s all decorated. She opens it up and there’s a card. She takes the card and it says, “Happy Birthday Honey. Stand on this and it will go from zero to 180 in under four seconds.” It’s a weight scale. That’s one dumb guy! Funeral services are pending.
It’s selfish desires. It may be that you wanted this car and she wanted that. Or you wanted to go to this restaurant and your friend wanted to go to that. Or you wanted to attack the work problem this way and your friend wanted to attack it that way. Because these desires to do it our way are within us we conflict. We collide. When we collide we hurt. We break. Really bad things can come from all of that.
A great example for me out of my own life is a couple weeks ago I was going to take Friday off. It had been a hard couple of weeks. I was really looking forward to chilling out and relaxing. I had all these plans in my mind about Friday. I was going to wake up and mope around the house. I was going to do nothing. I was going to make some coffee and chill out. When the day warmed up enough I was going to go to the hammock out back. I was going to climb into the hammock and sleep. Maybe watch the clouds go by. Wake up; read a few pages of a book, sleep - it was going to be beautiful. I have it all mapped out in my mind. I go to bed Thursday night thinking tomorrow is going to be great. I wake up Friday morning and I didn’t realize that Lori also had all these plans that had been going in her mind about what we were going to do on that particular Friday. We had shopping to do and errands to do and all this domestic stuff that had to be done. Shopping – that’s what I want to do on my day off! We’re in the car going shopping. Your pastor is not in a good place. I’m functioning and being nice. Maybe a little bit short and civil but I’m not in a great place.
We get to Wal-Mart and I’m thinking, “Once we are done with Wal-Mart we’ll have to go to the mall. The faster we get out of Wal-Mart the faster we get to the mall – the faster I get to hammock time.” We pull in and walk into Wal-Mart. When you walk into Wal-Mart now they have these carts your kids can ride in. It plays music. My kids are all excited. We load them in the cart and I say, “Let’s get it done!” I start to push the cart and it doesn’t move. Oh no – the kiddy carts you have to pay for now! It takes a dollar. Just a dollar but does anyone in my family have a dollar? No! Now I have to find an ATM. I’m pretty frustrated at this point because my kids are not going to let this go. It’s not like we can load them back into the piece of junk stroller. They are already in the cart and they are ready for the music to play. I’m walking around Wal-Mart and I can’t find an ATM. Finally I buy an Altoid so I can cash a twenty so I can get some ones. It’s been twenty minutes now and no lie – as I’m walking back around the corner to where the kiddy carts are there is an ATM machine right there. I was so frustrated that I walked right past it. Now I’m really on edge. I put the dollar in, the music plays, and the cart goes. I push it fifty feet and my son, Ethan, is trying to climb out of it. He’s done. Now he wants to get out and run and play. “You listen to me little boy! You sit your two year old bottom down right there because I spent one dollar getting the Barney music on and we’re going to listen to the Barney song.” It was not pretty. I even saw some people at Wal-Mart saying, “Hey, I think that’s Jud.”
Why? Because of selfish desires that were going on in me. Isn’t that the bottom line? I was angry and I was frustrated because I wanted to do my thing. I wanted to sleep in my hammock under the sun. I had all this stuff going on inside of me. Because of those selfish desires we had conflict. In fact, we didn’t even go to the mall after that. Lori just gave up. “Let’s just go home.” We went home, finally, but I didn’t even enjoy it then because at that point it was all ruined. That’s what happens when that begins to build in our lives.
James says it’s not just selfish living or desires he says in 4:2, “You do not have because you do not ask.” Which is a pretty cool statement. You don’t have because you don’t ask. Then he says in 4:3, “When you ask you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives so that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.” That word spend is a word that Jesus uses in Luke fifteen in the story of the Prodigal Son. It’s the son who is going to get this inheritance from his father. He’s going to go out and spend it. He’s going to party and live a crazy lifestyle. James is saying that sometimes we go to God and say, “If I could just get that job.” Why do we want that job? We want it so we can spend more on our own desires. We’re asking for wrong motives in our lives. We want this or we desire that thing. That’s what causes all this tension and conflict that works down in our relationships.
How do we deal with this? How do we deal with anger and conflict in our lives? Where do we go? Psychologists have tried to help us in this area. They’ve said first of all one of the things we can do when we get really angry is to vent our anger. You should periodically throw things, hit stuff, yell or scream, and get it all out so it doesn’t build up in you and explode like a volcano. This is what psychologists have told us to do. The problem with that behavior is that more recent studies are showing that when you engage in that kind of behavior you actually like it. It reinforces the behavior and you want to do it more and more. Just as an example I’m going to say the word yes. I got this from John Ortberg. I want you to say the word no. Say it fiercely. Let the river of rage flow. You can shake your fists. You can do what ever you want to let it out and vent it. Here is your moment. Yes – No – Yes – No – you guys are looking pretty spooky. It kind of feels good, doesn’t it? You get it off your chest. Let it out there. That’s the problem with just venting our anger. Ultimately it’s a behavior that reinforces itself and does more harm than good.
Proverbs 29:11 says this, “A fool gives full vent to anger but a wise person quietly holds it back.” That’s what God is telling us to do in the midst of all this other advice – let it go. In fact, another thing that psychologists have tried to help us with in this area of anger is they created something called a stress ball. Have you seen these? You squeeze these when you get really mad. They are supposed to help you relax. To get us in the right frame of mind, I thought I would share some stress balls with you this morning. Those of you who are out there, get ready, I’m about to fire a cannon worth of stress balls. I’ve been waiting all week to do that. The idea is to take these stress balls and squeeze them. When things are getting stressed - like you are going to record Lost and your recorder didn’t work. It’s five squeezes. You come down in the morning, you really need caffeine in your body, and all you have is decaf. That’s ten squeezes. The neighbor dog barks at one in the morning and wakes you up and keeps you up all night. That’s 120 squeezes.
How do you deal with issues that are really significant in life? What about when you are in the parking lot and someone hits your car? You get out to work through the situation only to find out they have no insurance and can’t speak English. What about when your computer crashes and all of your photos that you have stored for all these years are gone? What about when your kid decides to color with a permanent marker on your brand new super cool plasma TV screen? All the stress balls in the world aren’t going to do it. James is going to give us some spiritual perspective on stress balls. He’s going to lay some things down to help us deal with anger and conflict. The first thing he says is that we can depend on God’s strength. James 4:5, “What do you think the scripture means when it says the Holy Spirit, whom God has placed within us, watches over us with tender jealousy but He gives us more and more strength to stand up against all such evil longings.”
James is saying that God’s spirit is there. When we accept Christ as our leader and forgiver, his spirit is present. His spirit can give us strength to deal with the conflict, hurt, and pain in our lives. I can remember a couple years ago I was pulling into our driveway. Just as I was about to turn into our driveway, this guy in a motorcycle came around the corner. I turned in and turned back out. I guess it kind of spooked him a little bit. He went just past me. I went ahead and turned into our driveway. He backed up on his motorcycle. I got out of my car and this guy went off on me. I mean, went off. “Where did you learn how to drive? Who do you think you are?” He’s going off. I should tell you that he was over 250 pounds. He was all leather. He was total Hell’s Angel with the logo and everything, beard, piercings – the whole deal. This guy could have taken me, broken me in half, and eaten me for lunch right there in my driveway in all of about five seconds. He was a big boy. When you are mad and you are angry and pride kicks in, it really doesn’t matter, does it? I popped open the door of my ‘92 Grand Am, got out and slammed the door. I walked right up to this guy’s motorcycle because I’m an idiot. I get right up to this guy and I’m shaking mad. Have you ever been there? Don’t look at me like you haven’t. I’m about to go off on this guy. In that moment I sensed God’s spirit nudging me. “Wilhite, what are you doing?”
The problem with anger is that sometimes when you are really angry you don’t know what you are doing. You are out of control. In that moment, thankfully by the grace of God, I leaned into a power much greater and wiser than my own. That’s the reason why I am still alive today. I looked at this guy and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you in the way that I turned into my driveway. I apologize for that. Now I’m going to go get my mail.” I turned to go get my mail. As I’m turning, this guy’s whole demeanor and facial expression changes from rage to softening right in front of me. Proverbs says, “A kind answer turns away wrath.” He didn’t even know what to say. This guy who was so verbose just a few minutes before just letting it go was like, “uh, uh, uh, oh – you should get your license checked.” I was so thankful by the grace of God that I was able to keep my anger in check.
James is saying that God’s spirit watches over us. If we will allow Him to, He is nudging us and moving in our lives. He can help us deal with these explosions of anger that we sometimes feel. It can happen in a marriage when your spouse says something that sets you off. If you can pause long enough to allow God’s spirit to move - go for a walk. Just calm down a little bit before you move forward. His spirit will be there and will move. Depend on Him. I could have walked up and gone off on that guy. I could have said, “You have offended me. How dare you do this in my own driveway, in front of my own house? I’m going to fire some stress balls at you.” But it wouldn’t have done any good. It just would have escalated a dumb situation into a whole new level. (I’m really having fun with these stress balls. I could do this every week.) It doesn’t move it forward so depend on God’s strength.
Now another way James says we can deal with it is to humble ourselves. Humble yourself under God and His power and authority. In James four he gives ten different commands between verse six and ten for our lives. The way he lays it out is he bookends it with two verses about humility. I think this whole section in James is about humility. He says in 4:6, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” In verse ten, “Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.” What does it mean to humble yourself? To humble ourselves is to acknowledge that God is greater than we are. We need Him. This is His world. If we are honest, too often we start to think that the world is all about us. I have this tendency. If I just let it go my natural tendency is to think the world is all about me. Life is a movie about me. Everyone else is just supporting actors in the movie that’s all about me. Don’t look at me like you don’t act like this in times in your life. Think about how it plays out in your life. You’re about to take holiday pictures. Families will take holiday photos. When you get that holiday photo and you whip it up, whose picture do you look at first? If you are looking good then the whole picture is looking good. Yeah, I’m looking good there. This is a great family photo.
In conversation you’ll be talking to somebody, they’re saying something; you are going back and forth with them. What they are saying may be great but really deep down you are thinking how great it’s going to be when you say what you are about to say. It’s all about you. That tendency can be prevalent in our lives. When it’s there it can lead to anger and frustration. Humility says this life is about God. There is a movie going on. God’s the producer, director, and the star. I’m a supporting character in His movie. It’s about Him. God didn’t hold it back. It’s not a big secret. The very first words of the Bible, “In the beginning, God.” Hello, people, it’s about Me. Life is about Me. The journey is about Me. Getting to know Me, loving Me, and being in a relationship with Me. As I dial into that, as we dial into that reality in our lives it can defuse things and help us deal with the anger and frustration that we are going to face.
A lot of times our anger and frustrations come because we think it’s all about us. Is it going our way? At our pace or time? Therefore we are angry and frustrated. When I’m able to just release it and obey God at the unplanned pace of obedience and in the unplanned place of obedience, then I experience His grace at deeper and deeper levels. James says to humble yourselves.
He comes in and gives us some different commands. He says in verse seven, “Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he’ll flee from you. Come near to God and He’ll come near to you. Wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts you double minded.” James is saying to be single minded on the fact that God is God and He’s in control and you are living your life for Him. It will help you live with greater peace, greater ease, and a greater sense that someone bigger than us is in charge.
He says to resist the devil. The devil isn’t a character on Saturday Night Live with a pitchfork. When you look throughout the Bible in the teachings of Jesus he’s a very real spiritual power. He can wreak havoc in our lives. As you begin to explore it one of the ways he wreaks havoc in our lives is through unforgiveness in our hearts. Paul in II Corinthians 2:10, “I have forgiven on the side of Christ for your sake in order that Satan might not outwit us.” Then he says, “For we are not unaware of his schemes.” One of the ways Satan wants to get a foothold on our heart is to keep us angry and bitter and bent out of shape at someone who has wronged us, hurt us, or done us bad. Humility says, God You are in charge and You are in control.
Lee Strobel writes about one woman who had been brutally attacked in a crime. Her apartment had been broken into. She was shot in the chest. She was struck with a revolver. She was sexually assaulted. Then they put a pillow over her head and shot her again. Only because her arm deflected the bullet was she able to survive. The trial goes on and many years go by of her working through these issues of anger. Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness is a process, isn’t it? If you’ve really been wronged by someone then you know how hard it is to forgive. It’s not like saying, “Okay, God I forgive.” You’ll do that but it’s a process. You’ll find yourself six months or a year later sitting in your car and for no reason you start daydreaming of doing horrible things to that person. You are squeezing that steering wheel. Then you think, “I thought I got over that? Maybe there is still stuff there?” You bring it back to God and you say you are going to let it go. You are God. I don’t have to have revenge. It’s in Your hand.
Here she is at this trial. She has her opportunity at the sentencing to speak to this guy who has done horrible things to her. She says this: “I’m not after vengeance or retribution. That won’t change what has happened to me. They will only poison me. I want to help this man who is mildly retarded. He obviously needs help. I want to make sure he gets that help for his own sake. I don’t want him to suffer. I’ve suffered enough for the both of us. I want what’s best for him. With God’s help I want to forgive him.” Strobel said when she said those words in the courtroom he saw something he never had seen before. Some of you have been around the court system. Have you ever seen a judge cry on the bench? He said this judge just lost it. Later he said these words: “The reason I’m crying is because of her forgiving nature. It’s unusual for a victim of such a vicious crime to have a forgiving attitude. I think that reflects the best that is in human nature.” She wasn’t saying that he didn’t need to be punished or get help or go through disciplinary actions in his life, but she had learned the power of forgiveness.
Friends, if she can forgive in that environment, can you forgive your husband for forgetting your anniversary? Can you forgive your son for bending the truth when he knew better? Can you forgive your family member for wronging you or your co-worker for deceiving you? If you do it’s going to save you. All that bitterness and unforgiveness does is get a foothold in our lives and wreak havoc. It doesn’t hurt that person. It hurts us. Will you let it go? Humble yourself before God and acknowledge that it’s His world and we’ll play by His rules. We’ll depend on His strength to do it. He’ll walk with you and help you. James says, “He will lift you up in His time.”
