Divorce & Remarriage
by Scott R. Bayles
Church of Christ
Everyone agrees that divorce is one of the worst tragedies plaguing American families today. Some studies are now showing that for the first time in American history, single parent families now out number families with two parents living in the same house. As Dr. James Dobson has said, “There are no winners when a marriage begins to unravel.” When divorce happens, it leaves in its wake broken hopes, broken hearts and broken homes. Sadly, many pastors and church leaders have sometimes made things worst.
In an attempt to honor the sanctity of marriage we have, at times, made some very unbiblical claims about divorce and remarriage. The most common of which is the often made assertion that Jesus only allows one reason for divorce (adultery), and even then only the “innocent party” may remarry. If anyone divorces for any other reason, they must remain celibate the rest of their lives--otherwise they would be “living in adultery.” Consider this letter from a man whose church actually wants him to get a divorce:
“My wife and I are both divorced. Her ex-husband is still alive; however, my ex-wife has passed away. We are very concerned about the issue of whether or not we are living in adultery, as it seems Jesus teaches... I know members of the Church of Christ who insist that the only way for us to escape living in adultery is to divorce one another and remain unmarried. I realize divorce is a travesty; it hurts children, parents, friends and many others. Please help us understand the truth... Does our divorce and remarriage put us in a class of ‘unforgivable’ people, if we insist on remaining married?”
Is that really what the Bible says? Does God really think you’re “living in adultery” if you’ve been divorced and then marry someone else? Is there ever a good reason to divorce other than adultery? What if you were forced into a divorce and it wasn’t really what you wanted? Can you ever get married again if you’ve been through a divorce?
These are important questions--not just theologically, but personally. The answers to these questions effect all of us. Statistically, nearly half of the people listening to (reading) this have been divorced--and if you haven’t, then someone you love has. But we can take heart, because God has provided answers for all our questions.
While it’s true that Jesus said some things about divorce that may seem difficult, if we are going to understand him properly we first need to understand the Biblical and historical context in which Jesus said them. That means going all the way back to...
I. MOSES’ DOCTRINE ON DIVORCE:
The most often cited Old Testament passage about divorce is found in Deuteronomy 24: “If a man marries a woman, but she becomes displeasing to him because he finds something improper about her, he may write her a divorce certificate, hand it to her, and send her away from his house” (vs. 1 HCSB).
The Hebrew phrase translated “something improper” is ervat debar. The first word (ervat) literally means nakedness or sexual immorality. The second word (debar) means a thing, cause, or reason. A better translation of the Hebrew here would be “a reason of sexual immorality,” because it fits best with the context as well as the ancient Jewish interpretation that the woman here was guilty of adultery.
Some scholars reject the idea that adultery (or sexual immorality) is in mind here because the Law demanded that an adulterer be put to death. While its true that the Law said “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die” (Deut. 22:22 NIV), this law was not uniformly applied. For example, the Bible tells us that when Mary told Joseph that she was pregnant, “Joseph was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly” (Matthew 1:19 ESV). Joseph was considered righteous because he did not subject Mary to the death penalty (or to the public disgrace involved in discovering whether or not she had committed adultery). Instead, he planned to divorce her quietly as most Jewish men would have done under the Law of Moses.
It’s also important to notice that in this passage even the woman guilty of sexual immorality was free to marry “another man.” Notice vs. 2: “If after leaving his house she goes and becomes another man’s wife...” (HCSB). Moses does not in any way condemn the woman for marrying another man, even after being divorced for sexual immorality. The only prohibition was that she could not then go and remarry her first husband: “If her second husband doesn’t love her and divorces her, or if he dies, her first husband is not allowed to marry her again. She has become unclean. This would be disgusting in the Lord’s presence. Don’t pollute with sin the land that the Lord your God is giving you as your property” (vs. 3-4 GW).
So, while it is obvious that Old Testament Law considered sexual immorality to be justifiable grounds for divorce, the question is—were there any other acceptable grounds for divorce? If not, why sexual immorality? Surely it’s a horrible sin, but what about people who brutally abuse their spouse? Or their children? What about people who are addicted to drugs and spend the rent money and grocery money to satisfy their addiction? What about the woman whose husband hasn’t affectionately touched her in fifteen years? Are these valid reasons for divorce?
God is a compassionate God. He knows our needs, our situations, and—as we will see—he provides for them. Let me point out an often forgotten little passage in Exodus. The context deals with a man who marries his slave girl and then takes a second wife. This is what the Law said, “If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money” (Exodus 21:10-11 NIV).
In this specific case, a slave wife was permitted to divorce her husband (and gain her freedom) if he neglected her after taking a second wife. He was responsible for providing for her basic physical needs (food and clothing) as well as her sexual needs (marital rights). If he neglected her (and by the way, abused is an extreme form of neglect) in any of these areas she then had legal grounds for divorce.
Obviously, the specifics of this case wouldn’t apply to everyone—thank God that slavery and polygamy are not as wide spread as they once were—but the principles here applied to all marriages. Jewish Rabbis logically concluded that if a slave wife could divorce her husband because he denied her “these three things,” then so could a free wife (or a husband for that matter).
These four things—providing food, clothing, and marital rights, along with sexual faithfulness—were included in almost every Jewish marriage contract (or covenant) and could be cited as legitimate grounds for divorce under Jewish Law. So, we see the compassion of God revealed in the Law of Moses. While God’s standard was one man and one woman for life, God’s love permitted divorce in cases of neglect or sexual immorality. So that brings us to...
II. JESUS’ DOCTRINE ON DIVORCE:
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees ask Jesus a peculiar question: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” (Matthew 19:3 NKJV). Before we get to Jesus’ answer, we need to understand the question.
In the first century there was an on-going debate about the meaning of “something improper” (ervat debar) in Deut. 24:1. A prominent teacher named Rabbi Hillel misinterpreted the meaning of the Hebrew phrase to mean “any reason” and not just “a reason of sexual immorality.” He even went so far as to say that if a man did not like the way his wife made the toast, he could divorce her. His teaching, because the culture had a very low view of women, was very popular among the Jews of Jesus’ day. Another well-known teacher, named Rabbi Shammai, spoke out against the Hillelite school of thought and taught that ervat debar did indeed refer solely to sexual immorality.
Both Rabbis and their respective followers, however, accepted the principles found in Exodus 20:10-11. We know this for a fact because archeologists have uncovered actual written debates between the Hillelites and Shammaites that acknowledge the three things mentioned in Exodus as legitimate reasons for divorce. Their debate centered solely on the correct interpretation of Duet. 24:1. The Hillelites claimed that ervat debar meant a man could divorce his wife for “just any reason,” while the Shammites believed it meant a man could divorce his wife for “a cause of sexual immorality.”
The question posed here to Jesus focused on this debate. The Pharisees wanted to see what Jesus thought about this “just any reason” divorce. Now let’s examine his answer!
Jesus’ first reply is that “from the beginning” God intended one man and one woman to live together as “one flesh” for the rest of their lives. He says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (vs. 6 NIV). It’s important to notice that Jesus did not say, “what God has joined together, man cannot separate.” This type of Greek sentence structure “means to forbid the continuance of an act; it commands to quit doing a thing.” Jesus never said that God does not recognize a divorce when it happens. He never said that people cannot separate what God has joined together, as some traditionalist believe. He said to stop doing it. Jesus was more concerned about people working to preserve their marriages rather than looking for a way out.
The Pharisees wanted to bring Jesus back to their question about Deut. 24, though, so they ask him again: “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (vs. 7 NIV). Again, we see that the Pharisees want to know specifically about the man mentioned in Deut. 24—their question doesn’t involved the reasons given in Exodus 20.
Jesus then replies, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard” (vs. 8 NIV). Jesus’ words here, “your hearts were hard” is equivalent to Moses’ original words, “if then she finds no favor in his eyes” (ESV) or “becomes displeasing to him” (NIV). It has to do with being unforgiving. Jesus encouraged us to forgive our sinning spouse, rather than looking for the door at the first sign of indiscretion.
Then comes one of Jesus’ most misunderstood statements: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (vs. 9 ESV). This single verse has troubled the hearts of honest Christians who are either trapped in an abusive marriage, or who have already been divorced and married again, or who have been divorced and would like to get married again, more than any other verse in the Bible. But let’s examine what Jesus is really saying here.
Many people who hold a traditional view of marriage and divorce believe that Jesus is saying that the only legitimate reason for a divorce is sexual immorality, and if anyone gets married again after a divorce that wasn’t specifically on those grounds, they will then be “living in adultery” with their new spouse.
What Jesus actually does here is give the correct interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1 (Shammai was right; ervat debar means sexual immorality), and then he uses hyperbole to stress the sinfulness of unjustified divorce. Hyperbole is an intentional exaggeration or overstatement used to make a point, and it is never meant to be taken literally.
Please understand—it’s not that I don’t think this statement should be taken literally, it’s that it cannot be taken literally. Let’s think about this for a minute. The word marriage/marries (gameô) in Scripture always refers to an intimate covenant relationship between a man and a woman in which they live together as one flesh. Divorce (apolyô) literally means “release, sent away, set free” and always indicates the end of such a covenant relationship. Adultery (moichaô) literally means “illicit sexual activity with the spouse of another,” and can only be committed by a married person and someone other than there spouse. Now, Jesus says whoever “divorces his wife, and marries another, commits adultery.” The only way that this statement could be taken literally is if you completely redefine marriage, divorce, and/or adultery—and then its no longer literal. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t make a hyperbolic statement walk on all fours.
People who hold the traditional view usually end up rewriting the verse to say: “Whoever attempts to divorce his wife cannot really divorce her unless it is for sexual immorality, and if he tries to marry another he is not really married in God’s eyes, instead he repeatedly commits adultery every time he sleeps with her.” This kind of reasoning just stretches credulity to the breaking point.
On the other hand, Jesus frequently used hyperbole to stress a point. For example, in Matthew 5:29, Jesus says “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away” (NIV). Then he says, “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away” (vs. 30 NIV). Then, in very next verse and same exact context, Jesus says, “anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery” (vs. 32 NIV). Everyone accepts vs. 29-30 as hyperbole, but then some try to force a wooden literalistic interpretation on vs. 31-32. It just doesn’t work. Instead, we ought to read the Bible in the sense in which it was written.
It’s also important to notice that Jesus doesn’t overrule the Law of Moses concerning the four Biblical grounds for divorce—just a few verses earlier, in the same chapter, Jesus said, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” (Matthew 5:17-18 NIV). Although Jesus was the fulfillment of the ceremonial law, he constantly reaffirmed the validity of the moral principles taught by the Law of Moses and declared that they would never disappear.
So, what does Jesus teach us about divorce? First, he stresses forgiveness over hardheartedness. Secondly, he affirms Moses’ allowance of divorce for sexual immorality and the other Old Testament grounds for divorce. Finally, he uses hyperbole to stress the utter sinfulness of unjustified divorce or the initial unwarranted breaking of the marriage covenant—Christ commands us not to forsake our commitments.
Even when we understand Jesus’ words in the proper context, though, we may still be left with some questions: Is it sinful to get married again after a divorce? What if my spouse is an unbeliever? To see how Christians ought to apply the principles taught by Moses and Jesus, we need to turn to...
III. PAUL’S DOCTRINE ON DIVORCE:
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul addresses these and other questions about divorce and remarriage at length. He begins by explaining one of the reasons God created marriage: “because sexual sin is a danger, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband” (vs. 2 NCV). Some traditionalists would amend this statement to say: “because sexual sin is a danger, each man should have his own wife—unless, of course he’s been divorced already, in which case he forfeits his right to a wife and just has to deal with the dangers of sexual sin on his own...” Paul obviously makes no such statement. According to Scripture “each man” and “each woman” is entitled to be married.
Next, Paul speaks directly to the issue of divorce and remarriage: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (vs. 8-9 ESV). Here, Paul gives express permission for the “unmarried and widows” to get married if they “cannot control themselves” (NIV). Widows and widowers are obviously those who have been married before, but due to the death of their spouse are now single again. The question is—who are the “unmarried”?
The word unmarried (agamos) is used only four times in the entire New Testament and all four times are right here in 1 Corinthians 7. The Greek prefix “un” (a) that’s attached here to the word married (gameô), usually means to undo something that was previously done (i.e. untie or uncover). Here in vs. 8 it is distinct from the widowed and in vs. 34 it is distinct from the “betrothed” (i.e. never-been married). So, if “unmarried” doesn’t refer to those who are single due to the death of a spouse or to those who are single by virtue of never having been married, what’s left? The divorced! In fact, vs. 10-11 specifically identifies “unmarried” as divorced people: “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife” (ESV).
Understanding “unmarried” as divorced people gives us new insight into these verses. Paul is telling divorced people that “if they cannot control themselves, they should marry.” Now, in vs. 10-11 Paul uses the example of a woman who divorces her husband without just cause. (The reason “separate” is used here instead of divorce is because woman didn’t typically own property, thus in order to divorce they would have to leave the home, whereas men could simply send away their wives.) He says that after leaving her husband, “she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.” If reconciliation is not possible, however, Paul’s previous command still applies: “if [she] cannot exercise self-control, [she] should marry.”
Having addressed Christians, Paul then deals with a Christian who is married to an unbeliever: “But if those who are not believers decide to leave, let them leave. When this happens, the Christian man or woman is free” (vs. 15 NCV). Free to what? Be divorced? Of course, not. Paul is expressly reminding those who have been abandoned by their spouse that they are free to marry someone else in the Lord. The Living Bible paraphrases the next verse very well: “For, after all, there is no assurance to you wives that your husbands will be converted if they stay; and the same may be said to you husbands concerning your wives” (vs. 16). Sadly, many Christians who are married to nonbelievers can testify to this reality.
If there was any doubt left that a divorced person has every right to marry again, Paul deals with it in vs. 26-27: “Because of the present crisis I believe it is good for people to remain as they are. Do you have a wife? Don’t seek a divorce. Are you divorced from your wife? Don’t look for another one. But if you do get married, you have not sinned...” (GWT). The word translated “divorced” (noun: luo, verb: lusis) here is sometimes translated “loosed” or “released” and means “to destroy, dissolve or break-up (i.e. divorce).”
The “present crisis” Paul speaks of was probably the Jewish/Roman persecution, and he didn’t want people making serious life changes in the midst of such turbulent times; but for the record, Paul makes very clear that if a divorced person were to get married again, they “have not sinned.”
CONCLUSION:
I know that we’ve covered a lot of material here, but let me try to summarize it:
• Moses taught that there were certain legitimate grounds for divorce: physical and financial neglect (and by extension abuse), sexual neglect, and sexual immorality.
• Jesus affirmed Moses’ teaching, but stressed the importance of forgiveness and soft heartedness as well as the innate sinfulness of divorce for “just any reason.”
• Paul commands Christians not to pursue a divorce, but clarifies that Christians who are divorced for whatever reason do not sin by getting married again, and in fact ought to get married if they cannot control their sexual desires.
Much of what we’ve discussed here contradicts the traditional teachings on marriage and divorce, but sometimes following Jesus means being willing to sacrifice our treasured traditions on the altar of Biblical truth. “There are no winners when a marriage begins to unravel.” We don’t have to oppose marriage to oppose divorce.
Let me just say a word to those who have already been divorce and remarried—to quote Charles Swindoll, “I wish I could say you will find acceptance everywhere you go. I also wish I could guarantee that every church fellowship will throw its arms around you an be happy for you, smiling in affirmation. Don’t hold your breath. That may happen... it may not.” Nevertheless, you keep holding on to the hand of God and each other, and “remain grateful to Lord for his provision and his matchless grace.”
That same grace, by the way, is available to everyone who comes to Jesus Christ in faith. It’s not something you can earn. It’s not something you deserve—because then it wouldn’t be grace. It is a gift of God, and all we must do is receive it. Are you ready to do that today?
