I know how easy it is to complain, to find dissatisfaction with a situation or circumstance. In the 1970s, TV’s Saturday Night Live program, one of their skits involved "The Whiner Family." Anybody remember that skit? The family members spoke with a grating, irritating whine. When they engaged in a conversation, the sounds of their voices were annoying. Wendy Whiner, the wife, was a nasally-pitched woman who, with her equally whiny husband, annoyed everyone they met. They both claimed to suffer from diverticulitis, and neither would eat anything but macaroni and cheese.
Or there was Debbie Downer, another character on Saturday Night Live. The character’s name is connected to a phrase which refers to someone who has a persistent need to add bad news or negative feelings to a gathering, thus bringing down the mood of everyone around them.
The Debbie Downer character would make these types of negative opinions and pronouncements at every turn, making her very unpopular to be around. She was oddly and especially concerned with the epidemic of feline AIDS, which is, as she put it, "the number one killer of domestic cats".
What made these skits so funny was that all of us have met constant whiners -- you know, those folks who never have a positive thing to say about themselves or anyone else? And most of all the skits remind us of ourselves—we have met the enemy and it is us!
I’m better at not complaining than I use to be. But on my not-so-great days I still am I’m still going on to perfection to quote John Wesley, Our Methodist forefather. My desire is to have more frequent better days where I try to live differently. My heart’s desire is to live more days during which I try to find the pieces of my experiences that I can appreciate rather than complain about. As I was reading news services online, I was recently challenged in my thinking to more intentionally embark on a journey towards living without complaint when I began to read about what a preacher in Kansas City decided to do in his church.
I ran across service new reports about the Reverend Will Bowen, pastor of Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, Missouri. In his reading, Rev. Bowen ran across Maya Angelou’s comment, “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain." Apparently after reading this, the Reverend Bowen had a simple idea that he shared with his congregation, “Just stop complaining.” And to help his congregation remember to stop the complaints, he offered each one of them a purple bracelet stamped with the word spirit. The challenge—go 21 days without mumbling a complaining word and no gossiping or criticizing either.
Why 21 days? Scientists believe it takes 21 days to form a new habit and complaining is habitual for most of us. As Mark Twain said, “Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” The bracelet then serves as a powerful tool to remind you of how well you are crafting your life with “positive intention,” as the Reverend Bowen calls it.
"When you’re focusing your attention on what’s wrong or complaining, you’re going to get more of what you’re complaining about," Bowen says. "Complaining draws all of its essence from negativity. When you complain, you do it typically to attract attention or sympathy. It’s you saying, ’There’s something wrong with me.’
"You’re sending out this vibrational energy into the universe that you’re a victim, and the universe responds with more negativity."
What started with a challenge from one pastor to his congregation is spreading throughout the religious world... and beyond. Since reading about what happened at Christ Church in Kansas City I have tried to renewed my intention to not complain and am becoming more aware of the blessings of my life, despite some difficult and challenging situations at times.
Now when I first donned my purple bracelet I assumed that it would be easy to stop complaining. I thought I could not say anything that might be construed as a complaint. That’s simple, isn’t it? Just hold my tongue. On the surface, it sure is. But the spiritual challenge isn’t to simply stop complaining; rather it is to begin to find new appreciation in everyday life experiences—especially those ones where I tend to complain automatically with little thought.
For example—see if you see yourself in any of these attitudes:
Did someone cut you off on the road this morning—how did you react?
Did someone drive too slow in front of you—making you think you we’re going to be late getting to the church?
Was your coffee a little too hot? Or a little too cold? Oh I hate it when my coffee is just not at the right temperature.
And churchgoers never gripe about trivial things—do they? Do you ever complain about the choice of hymns at the Sunday service or criticize someone about they way they dressed at the church’s worship service? Or the sanctuary was too hot or too cold? Or the preacher’s sermon was too long or church went a few minutes over an hour?
Rev. Bowen got this idea about going 21 days without complaining from minister and author Edwene Gaines. She writes about her experience of being a new member of a church before she became a minister. One Sunday she went up to one of her spiritual teachers in the church and said:
“This church business is God’s business, and it really needs to be done first class. I don’t know who was responsible for vacuuming the Sanctuary today, but it was a mess. And I don’t know who made the coffee, but it was so strong you could have floated a horseshoe in it. And the soloist was completely off-key—we can’t ever have her again. And there were at least six typographical errors in the bulletin.” She said she went on and on with her long litany of complaints. Finally her teacher said, “Edwene, dear for you today the highest [spiritual] law is ‘Don’t [whine]!’--he was saying to Edwene—stop the complaining and the criticizing and the bellyaching.
Her first thought was “He doesn’t appreciate what I was trying to do. I was just trying to help.” And then she heard this little voice inside of her that said, “You should pay attention to what he said.”
People complain about major and minor things every day—even when they come to church.
But the challenge Rev. Bowen gave to his congregation went even further—the 21 day challenge also included no gossiping and no criticizing others. Life’s responses are a choice and so many choose to complain and gossip--does either has a positive value to you? So are you ready to take the 21 day challenge? If so, be careful when you listen to others closely when they begin to complain and gossip. If you complain or gossip or criticize about another person’s negativity—then guess what? You’re complaining and gossiping your self! And maybe that’s because you see yourself in the other complainers.
Will that then make you want to take the challenge? I dare you to!
I was blessed to have a grandmother whom I never heard complain. And that was quite an accomplishment for her because my grandfather tended to be a complainer. Not only that, my grandparents were poor most of their lives—having raised 14 children with few resources and my grandfather working a hard life in the coal mines of West Virginia. As I thought about this recently I can understand why my father may have tended to be a complainer. I have asked others about my grandmother and no one can really recall that she ever tended to complain about what she didn’t have or couldn’t afford. I recall that she usually spoke positively about everyone. I guess that attitude helped her deal with rearing 14 children.
So the shift from complaint to appreciation will be a challenging one for me. It takes more effort to stop and think to find gratitude in all things, certainly more effort than it does to complain. It means that I must embark on a life of recognition and gratitude for what I have, not what I don’t have. The glass then becomes half full rather than half empty.
Are you ready for the challenge? But how do we make such a shift? We seem to be living in a culture where complaining is not only the ‘norm’ but also a rewarded behavior. I have learned this in dealing with customer service with businesses. I was actually told by a customer service rep. with my telephone company not long that if I wanted better service from the business my best bet was to become the “squeaky wheel.”
And as I have thought about it, I have been astonished that often instead of being respectful and patient I’ve had to be forceful and sometimes loud—only then would I get the response to addressing a problem or bad product. What does that say about the values our society is placing on complaining and gratitude? And what happens to our souls when we embrace such values?
So I think making the shift from complaint to appreciation requires spiritual discipline and growth. Consider making this shift a spiritual one. It will require all of you who accept the challenge a daily living of diligence and attention to your lives that perhaps you have not already experienced. It challenges you and me to live life more fully, with grace and gratitude.
I am sure that as I first begin to slip on my purple bracelet I will be constantly moving it from one arm to the other. Each time I complain I will reset my count towards 21-days of no complaining. If I’m not careful I will probably even found myself complaining about the fact that I was complaining.
Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew.” If you accept the challenge, don’t become discouraged. Thomas Edison was once quoted as saying: “Many of life’s failures are those who didn’t know how close they were to success when they gave up.” So don’t give up. It may take you 6 months to a year to finally go the 21 days—as it did many people in Rev. Bowen’s congregation.
Remember, scientists believe it takes 21 days to form a new habit and complaining is habitual for most of us. As Twain said, we must coax our old behavior down the stairs. The bracelet(s) you receive are a powerful tool(s) to remind you of how well you are creating your life with positive intention.
Here are the suggested rules—it’s like taking a 21 day fast from negativity in your life:
1. Begin to wear the bracelet, on either wrist
2. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping or criticizing (it’s ok, everyone does) move the bracelet to the other arm and begin again. You have to forgive yourself and then start all over again.
3. If you hear someone else who is wearing a bracelet complain, you may point out their need to switch the bracelet to the other arm; BUT if you’re going to do this, you must move your bracelet first!
4. Stay with it. It may take many months but when you reach 21 days you will find that your entire life is happier, more loving, more positive and more abundant.
Now you might ask what if something is a legitimate concern to me—is that complaining? If you want to know the difference between a comment and a complaint, the Reverend Bowen says to pay attention to your feelings about the issue. "If you’re putting a lot of energy into it, if you want it changed, you’re complaining," he says. Or try to distinguish between a complaint and a fact. Maybe if you say some guy is a real jerk that could be a fact!
Behavioral scientists also recommend to replace a bad habit substitute a new, more productive habit. I would add to the list of suggestions above to use the bracelet to remind you to develop the new habit of expressing gratitude for your life and sharing grace with others instead of blaming, criticizing and gossiping about them.
Edwene Gaines writes: “The more you notice the good in your life, the more you get. The more you notice even the small things—a beautiful sunset, a penny on the street, the pretty flowers in the park—the more you get. The more you notice the gifts God gives you, the more God gives.”
I close with this story:
"Attitude Is Everything".........By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz (from upbeatnews.net)
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry Was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it’s not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said.
Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
- - -
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ’He’s a dead man. "
I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. ’Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ’Bullets!’
Over their laughter, I told them, ’I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. [END story]
I think this song by India Arie expresses well what you and I can do to maintain an attitude of gratitude and grace; how we can make choices—if we will just remember there’s hope—listen to the song and follow the words in the order of worship.
There’s Hope lyrics by India Arie.
[ There’s Hope lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
(Verse 1):
Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated,
but a lot was a little too complicated
You see-Zero didn’t satisfy me
A million didn’t make me happy
That’s when I learned a lesson
That it’s all about your perception
Hey-are you a papa or a superstar
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain’t about the size of your car
It’s about the size of the faith in your heart
(Chorus)
There’s hope
It doesn’t cost a thing to smile
You don’t have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
(repeat)
There’s hope
(Verse 2):
Off in the back country of Brazil
A met a young brotha that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything.
You see just like me he wanted to sing
He had no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that he had no eye sight,
but that didn’t keep him from seein’ the light
He said, what’s it like in the USA,
and all I did was complain
He said-living here is Paradise
He taught me paradise in your mind
You know that
(Chorus)
(Bridge):
Every time I turn on the T.V. (There’s Hope)
Somebody’s acting crazy (There’s Hope)
If you let it, it will drive you crazy (There’s Hope)
but I’m takin’ back my power today (There’s Hope)
Gas prices they just keep on rising (There’s Hope)
The government they keep on lying
but we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do
(Chorus)
Stand up for your rights (echo)
Keep shining your light (echo)
And show the world your smile (echo)
2x
(Chorus)
There’s hope! An attitude of gratitude and grace – could this be the new habit that you and I need to develop to replace the old habit of complaining and criticizing? When you have fasted this way for 21 days you are going to harness new energy that will propel you forward to fulfilling God’s purpose for your life.
listen closely to the words of Jesus as recorded in the Message, Matthew 11:28-30: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly."
I invite you to take a purple bracelet [or band], accept the 21 day challenge, and embark upon a complaint-free life and help build a complaint free church and a complaint free world—one person at a time. Once you complete a straight 21 days without complaining you can turn in your bracelet for a “Certificate of Happiness.” Unless of course you want to keep your bracelet as a reminder.
There’s hope—let that be your theme song for the next 21 days—or however long it takes you to create your complaint free world.
