What to Do with a Rebellious Kid
June 10, 2007
All Children are Rebellious Kids!
Let me start this morning by saying that rebellion is part of our nature. Some kids are born angry. They come from the womb red faced, arteries pounding, screaming obscenities and smoking a cigar. The make a strong willed child look wimpy. You know when they are rebellious – which is pretty much all the time. Then there are the easy kids who are born placid, contented and pretty much just lay there. When they get a little older they don’t cry much, never whine, or get out of line. They just quietly do what they want to do. You gotta keep your eye on the quiet ones!
My point is that all of us are in some way and at some time in our life rebellious. Our work as parents is really quite simple. It is to prepare our kids for this life… and for eternal life. In other words it is to teach them to be good and Godly men and women. This is parenting.
Now modern parenting methods often involve some interesting ideas which don’t have a lot to do with raising good and Godly kids. It’s more about survival. You’ve probably seen these methods or you may have even found yourself using them.
Ostrich Approach
Also called the “close-your-eyes-and-hope-for-the-best-parenting method.” Just take care of basic needs, shuttle them around, feed them keep clothes on their backs and look the other way… it will all work out in the end.
Delegator Procedure
Believing that good leadership always means delegation, this parent uses others to raise his or her children: childcare, day care, schools, church camp, school counselors, scouts, coaches, Sunday School teachers, Youth Ministers and anyone else out to whom they can delegate parental responsibility.
Taxi Cab Schedule
Parenting is simply a transportation problem. They believe that lining up a full calendar of events and activities is what makes a successful family: (Sports, music, drama, dance, cooking, woodworking, karate, youth group. These worn out parents aren’t purpose driven, they are activity driven --- driving theirs kids anywhere and everywhere.
Neiman Marcus Style
This parent believes that if he or she just provides the child with the best of everything then all the child’s needs will be met. Nothing but the best for my child – clothes, toys, schools, a car …. Or a Hummer!
Warden Organization
This parent runs a tight ship like the Von Trapp father in Sound of music. These drill instructor parents focus on keeping all external behavior in line with a detailed set of rules. Their kids would describe them as rigid, critical, meddling and angry.
Church Mouse Manner
This parent believes that the more time the kid spends in church, Sunday school and youth group, the better off they will turn out. There is some truth to that but sometimes church is used like punishment.
(edited from Bruce Wilkinson, Experiencing Spiritual BreakThroughs, 204)
God’s Way
God’s way is about guiding and growing kids to become what God imagined when he fashioned their soul and created their personality. Today we’re going to look at a well known proverb that is not well understood. Proverbs 22:6 says…
As the twig is Bent, so is the Tree is Inclined
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
Parents are entrusted with children to raise up godly offspring in order to powerfully influence the world for Jesus Christ.
Proverbs 22:6 is a religious “rabbit’s foot” that many sorrowing parents and grandparents desperately resort to when children stray from the Lord: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” They interpret this to mean, “they will stray away for a time but then come back,” but that isn’t what it says. It says that if they’re raised in the wisdom and way of the Lord, they won’t stray away at all. Even in old age, they will follow the wisdom of God.
Certainly it’s true that children raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord can stray from God, but they can never get away from the prayers of their parents or the seed that’s been planted in their hearts. Parents should never despair but keep on praying and trusting God to bring wayward children to their senses.
But that isn’t what Proverbs 22:6 is speaking about. Like the other proverbs, it’s not making an ironclad guarantee but is laying down a general principle.4
Illustration: A great tree begins as a weak sapling. It requires careful guidance in the early years to make it grow straight and strong.
The Hebrew word for train means to dedicate
When you dedicate something you set it apart, or mark it for a special purpose.
This word appears seventeen times in the Bible. Sixteen times it is used with reference to the dedication or a building, an object or a house. There is one exception and it’s found in Proverbs 22:6 where the verb is used in the sense of instruction or training.
As parents we are called upon to dedicate our children. Hānak seems to include the idea of setting aside, narrowing, or hedging in. The word is sometimes used in the sense of “start.” Child-training involves “narrowing” a child’s conduct away from evil and toward godliness and starting him in the right direction.
Gleason L. Archer suggests that in verse 6 this gives “the following range of possible meanings: ‘Dedicate the child to God, ’ ‘Prepare the child for his future responsibilities, ’ ‘Exercise or train the child for adulthood’”
(Encyclopedia of Bible Difficulties. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1982, p. 252).
We do this in a three-fold way. We …
Guide them in the Proper Direction
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
The word “train” here and in Proverbs means to hedge in or direct.
It is our responsibility to direct our children. It is not for the schools, daycare centers, or grandparents but the parents to provide the direction. It is an investment into their lives. The church is to supplement what the parents provide. We are also to…
Letting Children Free to Develop?
Coleridge was once talking with a man who told him that he did not believe in giving little children any religious instruction whatsoever. His theory was that the child’s mind should not be prejudiced in any direction, but when he came to years of discretion he should be permitted to choose his religious opinions for himself.
Coleridge said nothing; but after a while he asked his visitor if he would like to see his garden. The man said he would, and Coleridge took him out into the garden, where only weeds were growing. The man looked at Coleridge in surprise, and said, “Why this is not a garden! There is nothing but weeds here!”
“Well, you see,” answered Coleridge, “I did not wish to infringe upon the liberty of the garden in any way, I was just giving the garden a chance to express itself and to choose its own production.”
Our work as parents is to hedge them in and head them in the right direction. It is a little like setting up fences to keep them away from the dangerous areas and making sure the other directions are unrestricted so they can go as far as they want!
I talked with a friend of mine the other day who has discovered that his son is interested in writing lyrics composing music for Christian songs. He is planning a trip this summer to the Big Ticket event in Gaylord where there will be a field filled with Christian Bands. Here is a wise man who has set some barriers and opened up some possibilities.
Give them Positive Discipline
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
Proverbs 22:15
Training a child requires both positive and negative reinforcement. One can discipline a child by encouraging words and actions. They need building up. However, only accentuating the positive can lead to warped thinking.
Sometimes it is necessary to physically correct the child. Spankings teach the child that there can be dire consequence to their actions. It is not politically correct in today’s society, but in the economy of God He approves of correct physical discipline.
Without a doubt, the “rod” is an effective tool for making sure our children grow up biblically, spiritually and emotionally healthy.
In the Old Testament, “rod” has two primary meanings”: one of correction/judgment and one of protection/comfort. For instance, it was the “rod” of God that was David’s comfort in Psalm 23, but is was also the “rod” of God that was used to protect him from injustice at the hands of his enemies in Psalms 2 and 89.
Is there biblical freedom to spank? By all means yes! Is there biblical freedom not to spank? Of course. (I honestly must admit those types of cases are rare! I believe you’re taking chances with discipline to rule out a biblical spanking.)
The whole of biblical counsel is to accept your God-given authority and correct and protect your child. While not always enjoyable, this “rod” of discipline is their best shot at becoming an adult the rest of the world can tolerate.
Three C’s of Effective Discipline.
The Power of the Rod: Proper discipline involves three essential elements: correct communication, compelling consequences, and careful consistency.
Correct Communication
It surprises most parents to learn that correct communication is the most important of the three. Parents who properly communicate instructions and expectations prevent, to great degree, the need for consequences.
Take as an example a mother who tells her young son, Billy that it is time to stop playing and to pick up his toys before dinner. An effective parent has children who pick up the toys because their kids do what they are told because they are told – clearly and effectively.
My daughter Sandi has made a practice of giving her kids an instruction and then requesting the children to respond verbally, “yes, mother”. If they don’t respond she will repeat herself until they say, “yes, mother” and she knows that the instruction has been communicated, heard and now is ready to be followed.
Lately, when I’m with the kids, when I give them an instruction, I ask them to say, “yes grandpa”!
But what happens if they have clear, effective communication and then they don’t follow the instruction? What does mommy do if Billy does not pick up his toys?
Compelling Consequences
Before answering that last question, I need to make clear what she should not do. She should not repeat herself – she already made sure they heard the instruction when they responded, “yes, mother.”
She should not raise her voice. She should not threaten. She should not bribe. She should not make a game of picking up the toys. She should not give her child the choice of picking up the toys now or later.
Here is what she should do. She should either pick up the toys or leave them where they are and say nothing. IF the toys absolutely must come up right away because company is coming over or for other pressing reasons, she should pick them up herself.
IF they can stay where they are, she should leave them on the floor as “Exhibit A.”
Regardless, Mom now has two equally viable options:
The direct approach
She immediately informs her child that he will not be allowed to do something he was looking eagerly forward to doing; e.g., going to the store for a new pair of sneakers or that nifty new jacket with the Tigers logo. Whatever it is it must be something that registers as important to him!
"Billy," his mom might say, "these toys, which are still on the floor, tell me that you’re having hearing problems today. I have decided, therefore, that we will put off the new shoes until your ears are working as they should."
Billy might, at this point, run in and pick up the toys. When he’s finished, Mom should inform him that she will know his ears are better when, for at least two days in a row, he does everything she tells him to do the first time she tells him to do it, not the second. So, although the toys are now where they belong, his "healing" has just begun.
The delayed approach
If no consequence is immediately available, Mom can wait until later in the day to make her point. Envision the family at the dinner table. Everyone has nearly finished eating.
"Billy," Mom says, "you may excuse yourself and begin getting ready for bed. I’ll be up in a few minutes to help you say your prayers and tuck you in."
When Billy protests that his bedtime is a good two hours away, Mom should simply tell him that since, earlier in the day, he was too tired to pick up his toys, he obviously needs to go to bed immediately.
"Besides," she might add, "I picked up your toys for you. There is a price to pay for everything, and my price is an evening without a child."
Careful Consistency
In either case, Billy will eventually learn – assuming his mother is consistent (the third C, remember?) in applying this very laid back, no-hassle (for everyone but Billy) approach to discipline-to pay close attention to what his mother tells him to do, and do it.
Slowly but surely, the power (the rod of authority) of his mother’s calm, self-assured discipline will separate Billy from the folly of his rebellious nature.
Cultivate personal devotion to God
How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
Psalms 119:9-11
This is our responsibility in teaching or directing our children to fear and respect God. It is more caught than just taught. Children must have parents who will invest in them for all the right God honoring reasons.
I was impressed by a question that was asked recently of the 2008 presidential candidates. The Associated Press asked them what their religion is, whether there is a particular church that they are a member of, and how often they attend services.
Like the majority of Americans, all the candidates are Christians. Seven are Roman Catholic, three are Methodist, three are Baptist, one is Episcopalian, one is Presbyterian, one is Mormon, and one describes himself simply as Christian.
When the sixteen candidates gave their answers: Seven said that they attend whenever their schedule permits or whenever they are in town; three said they attend at home or when traveling; one attends, “not often”, one is looking for a church; and one said it’s a private matter. Only three said that they attend every Sunday.
Now I would never say that going to church makes you a Christian – just like I would never say that sitting in a garage makes you a car.
The key factor is being part of the family of God. That’s why we don’t talk about being a “member” of the Meridian Christian Church. We are all about being part of the family of God. I want to encourage you to partner with us by making the commitment to follow Jesus. Accept him as your Lord and savior. Turn from your self-centered life style and be baptized in his name – taking on his nature. I want to encourage you to then learn, grow, work, and serve as part of God’s family! This is a community of people who are following Jesus teachings and his way of living.
Listen, The best way and indeed the only way I know to cultivate a personal faith in your children is to live it in front of them – by participating in the church community and by exemplifying it in the details of your every day life.
Now here is the kicker… Parental hypocrisy… is the biggest barrier I know to personal devotion to God in a church kid’s life!
Train a child in the way he should go…
Literally, “upon the mouth of his way.”
“Upon the mouth of” is a Hebrew idiom meaning “according to” or “in accord with.” A servant would respond “upon the mouth of” or at the command of his superior.
“According to his way”
But what does “the way” mean? Scholars have interpreted this differently. Does it mean according to the way he ought to go (KJV, NASB, NIV) either vocationally or morally? Or does it mean, as others have suggested, according to the demands of his personality, conduct, or stage in life? Since “way” in Proverbs does not mean personality or stage in life, it is preferable to say that “way” means proper way, the path of wise, godly living, which is emphasized frequently in Proverbs-basically the way of wisdom. It is from this proper behavior pattern or godly lifestyle that he will not turn when he is old, that is, when he is grown (attains adulthood).
We should be concerned about at least four ways of our children. We should be concerned about their…
Personality
This is a reference to their character and integrity. Our goal is build godly children. We have to teach them how to live holy, godly lives through Christ while respecting their unique and different personalities. Some kids are musicians, some are into books and learning, some like to putter with mechanical things, and some like to be with people. Help them find their way.
Place
It’s also important to recognize that being the first, middle, last, or the only child does make a difference in their lives. We treat them differently – which isn’t necessarily bad – it’s just the way it is. Take notice and make some adjustments. Each child choose his own way and we need to let them explore a little.
Passions & Pursuits
Finally, it’s critical that parents understand their likes and dislikes. What do they enjoy? Are we leading them in the correct way for them? Every child is different. We need to have them pursue the things they enjoy and encourage them to become godly leaders or Godly followers.
Remember that your work is to focus on both their earthly and spiritual journeys. Help them to develop realistic and reachable goals that are God-oriented. Inspire them to set the right priorities in life. It would be a tragedy and travesty if we focused on sports, education, or any other earthly passion without remembering their spiritual formation.
Remember that when you raise up child “upon the mouth of his way” or according to their bent then…when he is old he will not depart from it.
Make God’s Way… Your Way
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
1 Corinthians 9:24-25
Don’t confuse your dreams with God’s purpose
June 30 to July 4, 1870 Natchez vs Robert E. Lee Steamboat Race
Two different captains raced from Natchez, Mississippi to St. Louis, MO. On the boat called the Natchez they carried cargo and passengers. It was actually the faster of the two steamboats. On the other boat, called the Robert E. Lee everything was stripped away. The furnishings were removed and no cargo or passengers were accepted. They fired the boilers with bacon slabs and hog fat to make the fires burn hotter and to build up the steam pressure to push the boat through the muddy water even faster.
The Robert E. Lee was ahead most of the race until it ran aground on the last day. It shook itself loose just as the Natchez came into sight and the traveled together for some distance with people cheering on the banks of the mighty Mississippi river.
Then in the early morning of the last night both boats were covered with a dense river fog. The Robert E. Lee plowed ahead without regarding the danger and arrive in St. Louis 6 hours ahead of the Nachez. Not only had the Natchez stopped several times along the way to disembark and to accept passengers, the captain had also tied up for five hours during the fog. His actual travel time was shorter but the other captain won the race – or did he? This was the great debate among the whole of the American nation. Even in Europe it was argued.
For you see one boat captain forgot the purpose of his trip. He thought it was about winning the race whatever the cost while the other captain understood that it was to carry cargo and passengers safely to their destinations. One captain confused his own dreams of glory with the purposes of those who owned the boat. The other boat captain kept faith with his trust.
God has granted you as parents a trust. Don’t confuse your dreams with God’s purpose. Your children are not yours to use for your own vicarious glory. You don’t need to push them in your ways, according to your bent, but in God’s ways according to their bent.
God has given us a principle not a promise in this passage. Christians ought to desire for our children to trust God in all things.
