HomeBuilders
Treating Parents Right
June 3, 2007
The Fifth Commandment
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Exodus 20;12
I read somewhere recently that the 10 Commandments are really God’s 10 principles for preventing pain. This Sunday I’ll be teaching on the fifth commandment, "Honor your father and mother." Not only does it prevent pain when followed - this commandment comes with a promise - long and good life.
But our world doesn’t value this commandment. Just consider the way that many TV programs depict parents as morons and way too stupid to be cool. It didn’t used to be this way. I grew up with Ozzie and Harriot, Fred McMurrey, in My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver. (Many of you have never seen these shows but you may have heard of them. They were all popular in the ’50s!) In all of these shows the smartest man in the room was dad and the wisest woman was mom. Kids were never as smart as their parents.
But today, let’s face it: Homer and Marge Simpson do not make you want to respect them. Did you realize that the Simpson’s have been a staple on American TV for 18 years now? Your kids have grown up with Bart being smarter than his dad for their entire lives. Besides the Simpson’s there are a whole host of other shows and movies that show dad and mom to be beyond hope. We live in a world that marginalizes mom and dad and emphasizes the culture of youth.
And it’s not just the kids - the command is for grown adults to honor their parents. This Sunday let me take you back to the plan for building a solid, secure, and peace filled home. It’s God’s plan and it works.
On Mother’s day we spoke of the noble woman. A couple of weeks ago we looked how God wants us to build our homes on the foundation of a Godly marriage. Last week Tyler spoke about the importance of communication and connection between the generations a family. Today we speak on what it means to honor your father and mother – a command with a promise of long life.
People of the Covenant
The Ten Commandments were part of an Existential Covenant
Bar Mitzvah means “Son of the commandment”
An existential covenant. There is one more important thing to realize about the Mosaic or Law Covenant. Its focus is entirely on the present experience of a living generation of Israelites. In this too it stands in contrast with the other biblical covenants. The promises given to Abraham, to David, and in the New Covenant look ahead to the distant future for their fulfillment. Thus these tell what God will do at history’s end, when His purposes will be finally fulfilled. But the Law Covenant said to living Jews, “If you obey Me and keep My Law, then you will experience blessings, now.”
Covenant renewal. The fact that the Law’s purpose was to guide the present experience of living generations, and that its blessings and punishments were to be experienced by them, is reflected in the way new generations of Jews were invited to “enter” that covenant relationship. One of Moses’ last acts as a leader was to call a new generation before the Lord and, setting out the blessings and the curses associated with Law, to invite them to “enter into a covenant with the Lord your God, a covenant the Lord is making with you this day” (Deut. 29:12). Still later, Joshua called yet another generation to him and demanded, “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Josh. 24:15). And the people responded. They committed themselves to serve the Lord and obey His voice (v. 24). That generation too entered the covenant.
Even to this day individual Jews agree to accept and abide by the relationship with God defined by the Mosaic Covenant. The infant is circumcised on the eighth day, indicating that his parents choose to bring him under the covenant with Abraham, and to affirm his identity as a Jew. But then, at 13, each Jewish boy makes a personal decision. At his bar mitzvah (Aramaic for “son of the commandment”) he repeats ancient words, accepts the obligations the Law spells out, and by his own choice commits himself to live under the rule of God’s Law.
The point of all of this is that this commandment and all of the commandments are not for children. They are for adults. It’s not just the kids that need to honor their parents – it’s you and I as well.
So this morning let’s look at this commandment from the perspective of being an adult. Let me give you some very practical and specific ways for you to honor your mother and father. In fact, let me suggest four gifts you can give your parents that give them honor.
The Gift of Listening
A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
Proverbs 13:1
Here is a gift that every young adult can give their parents. And here is a resolution every parent should make – to pray and work so that their children will have spiritual wisdom when the time comes for them to leave the home.
In my ministry, I have often had to share the grief of parents and grandparents whose children and grandchildren turned their backs on the Word of God and the godly example given in the home. In some instances, the children, like the Prodigal Son, “came to themselves” and returned to the Lord, but they brought with them memories and scars that would torture them for the rest of their lives.
But all too often what do we see. Where there should be a listener there is a mocker.
The mocker
Mockers think they know everything, and anybody who tries to teach them is only wasting time. What mockers lack in knowledge they make up for in arrogance. Instead of sensibly discussing a matter with those who could teach them, they only sneer at truth and deny it.
My Hebrew lexicons describe them as “frivolous and impudent.” Having no intellectual or spiritual ammunition, the mocker depends on ridicule and contempt to fight his enemies.
Mockers show how ignorant they are by the way they respond to advice and reproof. “He who reproves a scoffer gets shame for himself. . . . When you try to teach a mocker, you’re just casting pearls before swine. The mocker knows everything!
The tragedy is that mockers cause all kinds of trouble wherever they go. Whether in the neighborhood, on the job, or in the church, the mocker is toxic and spreads infection.
They are sarcastic, bombastic, and never stop talking – no wonder they don’t listen – they can’t because they are too busy making fun of the people in their world. The real tragedy comes when they are talented, popular, and charismatic leaders. I’ve seen some pretty powerful people who leave a wake of destruction and hurt people behind them where ever they go.
I worked at RLCA Summer Camp for several years. One of those summers we gave out points for giving good “cuts” or “putdowns” and kept score. After a few weeks we got pretty good at it but we had to stop because it became too hurtful. We got too good and caused too much damage. We thought we were being funny but after a few razor sharp words there was often blood on the floor and some badly damaged people left behind.
Listen to me. Words are powerful and dangerous. Use them wisely and start with your parents.
The Hebrew verb translated “stir up” conveys the image of somebody stirring up a fire or blowing on a flame to make it burn more vigorously. By their contemptible words and attitudes, they add fuel to a fire that ought to be allowed to die out.
The pages of both religious and political history are stained by the records of the deeds of proud mockers who wouldn’t listen to wise counsel but impulsively rushed into matters too high for them
Churches can be quickly divided and destroyed by arrogant people who laugh at biblical truth and seek to have their own way.
The Listener
The listener listens with the intent to not only hear the words but also the passion of the speaker. It’s important for us to catch not only the content of the message but also the emotion whether that is joy or pain.
When I worked at summer camp my Grandfather was my boss. On one occasion he took me to task for some pranks I had played on some others at the camp. To be honest, I don’t remember what I had done but my grandfather was very disappointed in me and told me so. I was angry and yelled at him – which I never, ever, did. It shocked him almost as much as it shocked me. Thankfully it shocked me out of my “mocking” attitude and into one of listening. I told him that I just wanted to have fun like he did when he was a kid. He told me that he wanted me to have fun but not to get hurt like he did as a kid. I heard his words and felt his passion and it was easier to listen to his message of love and direction.
When you listen – you don’t always have to agree or even follow their advice – but you do need to hear – really hear what they have to say. A wise man listens to his mother and father.
The Gift of Forgiveness
"If you let the sun go down while you are still angry, the devil is going to have a foothold in your life.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
Joseph Haselwood drank too much alcohol. It cost him his driver’s license but he retained his Captain’s license to command a ship – a big ship. On Marcy 24, 1985 the Exxon oil tanker Valdez ran onto a reef in Prince William Sound, Alaska and ripped a hole in the ship 15 feet wide. 11 million gallons of Alaskan crude spilled onto 2500 sq miles of ocean.
The clean up cost over 2 billion dollars and 10,000 men had to scrub up rocks, birds, and beaches. 10 years later the environment and wildlife were still recovering.
Some of you were raised in homes where there was a disaster of even greater proportions. You are no longer a young adult – in fact you are old enough to begin to understand why you are the way you are – and you have concluded that your parents have done you wrong.
I’m probably talking to some people whose parents: divorced, and left you hanging. Or they fought, and you were caught in the middle. Some of you were abused you physically or even sexually. And some of you had to try to take care of parents who were drunk or drugged out much of the time.
I know there are some of you here today thinking, “I am NEVER going to be able to honor HIM/HER. . . Not after what he/she’s done to me or to my sister or my brother...”
You need to give them – and yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a choice to not hold on to anger or the desire for revenge.
The failure to forgive and to seek forgiveness results in an angry heart. Resentment, and bitterness. While it does not guarantee reconciliation – it the foundation that gives hope for the restoration of relationship.
We sometimes refuse to forgive because we have an excuse: Here is one: “My parents need to be punished.”
The desire for revenge is a natural, human response. Sometimes it’s like saying to them, “When I had needs as a child, you weren’t there for me. Now that you have needs, I’m not going to be there for you either.”
Sometime it’s not what we do but the way we do it.
Lewis Smedes says, “Sometimes our hate is the only ace we have left in our deck. Our contempt is our only weapon. Our plan to get even is our only consolation. Why should we forgive?”
Revenge is a trap that chains you to the past.
Here is another excuse: “My parents need to earn honor.”
There are two problems with this attitude.
First: The parent who wounded you may never be able to make things right. The damage is done. It can only be forgiven.
Second: Why let this person control your emotions. Someone said,
“The longer I carry a grudge, the heavier it gets.”
Many things can exhaust a person’s resources in life but nothing is more draining than anger.
Finally one last excuse: “My parents will use my forgiveness to manipulate and control me.”
Fear is the motivator here. The answer to fear is love. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.”
Listen, you can learn to love and to set boundaries that honor your parents while keeping your life intact spiritually. It may require some work, some counseling from someone who can help you figure a few things out but it can be done.
The Gift of Compassion
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8
Once an adult. Twice a child. - A grandfather’s proverb.
The first Social Security had nothing to do with the US government. FDR didn’t invent social security, and it wasn’t supposed to be the government’s job! God laid out a plan for taking care of the elderly in a way that shows respect for them.
We are supposed to take care of our parents when they get old.
They call the generation that still has kids at home or at college and is taking care of elderly parents “the sandwich generation.” I know there’s a lot of stress and expense involved there. I’m not saying it has to be in your home that you care for them. For some of you it may be. For others you may need the help of a retirement home or assisted living that gives your parents a sense of independence and you some breathing room.
However you handle it, honoring your parents means taking care of them when they are old.
The Gift of a Blessing
There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers;
those who are pure in their own eyes and yet are not cleansed of their filth;
those whose eyes are ever so haughty, whose glances are so disdainful;
those whose teeth are swords and whose jaws are set with knives
to devour the poor from the earth, the needy from among mankind.
Proverbs 30:11-14
To curse is to speak ill of and ask for evil to come upon them.
I can not think of a more disrespectful thing to say to one’s parents than the curse of asking God to condemn or to damn them. When you – in the heat of anger or otherwise – cry the words, “God damn you” you are calling up God to put these people into hell. Can you think of a stronger curse? I can’t.
But it’s not just the words – it’s the attitude. Hatred – seething anger – and the desire for something bad to happen to them.
Alah: An imprecation or malediction. It is used in oath or adjuration, as a conditional curse to achieve a desired result or to preclude an undesirable one, or as a conditional imprecation or prayer for the punishment of an evildoer whose guilt cannot be proved.
Arar: Curse or Spell. The second term (arar, especially in its passive participial form arur, ‘cursed’) describes curse from an operational point of view, as effecting a ban or barrier to exclude or anathematize (hence roughly equivalent to ‘spell’). It is a decree rather than an imprecation or prayer.
Killel: Disrespect and repudiation. The third term (killel) describes a wide range of injurious activity, from verbal abuse to material harm. Its basic meaning is ‘to treat lightly,’ i.e., to treat with disrespect, to repudiate, to abuse. In those locutions where the Deity is the object of this verb, it suggests the lack of respect for the ethical standards sanctioned by God.
The contrast is of course to bless your parents.
Over against this variety of words for ‘curse,’ there is only a single word for ‘bless’ (berek, and its related noun berakah, ‘blessing, good fortune,’ along with the passive participle baruk, ‘blessed,’ analogous to arur, ‘cursed’). The content of ‘blessing’ includes such goods as vitality, health, longevity, fertility, and numerous progeny; ‘curse,’ on the other hand, results in death, illness, childlessness, and such disasters as drought, famine, and war.
Write a Tribute
Dennis Rainey writes, My father died in September of 1976 of a massive heart attack. There were no warnings, no good-byes. In the years that followed I reflected on my Dad’s funeral. Sixty-six years of life were summed up in a 30-minute memorial service. It was meaningful for our family, but it still bothered me a bit—it seemed too brief a remembrance for all he meant to us.
Dad was a great man. Impeccable character. Quiet. Hard working. The most influential man in my life. It didn’t seem right that a man’s life could be summarized with such a superficial sketch.
I wondered, Did he really know how I felt? I had worked hard to express my love to him for several years, but words seemed so hollow. Had I really honored him as I should?
I pledged then that I would not wait until Mom died to come to grips with her impact on my life. I resolved to let her know about my feelings for her.
What I had in mind had to be personal.
So I began working on a written Tribute to my mom. I jotted down memories. Tears splattered the legal pad as I recounted lessons she had taught me and fun times we had shared. It was an emotional catharsis.
Setting Apart Words of Honor
When I finished it, I decided something was needed to set these words of honor apart from all the letters I had written in the past.
With Barbara’s help, I decided to have the Tribute typeset and framed, making it into a more formal document. I took the finished product and mailed it home to Mom.
I knew she would like it, but I was unprepared for the depth of her appreciation. She hung it right above the table where she ate all her meals. There was only an old clock on another wall in that room—and that clock was no rival for my mom’s Tribute.
She shared it with family, the television repairman, the plumber, and countless others who passed through her kitchen.
The Gift that Returns to You
Honoring your parents is the road which leads to a good and long life.
Now I realize that there are probably some of you here who are all knotted up inside, the stomach acid is boiling and you’re thinking, “Like that’s ever going to happen, after the way they treated me.”
And unfortunately that is the reality of today that when ever you speak about parents there is someone in the group who was abused, physically, emotionally or sexually while they were growing up.
Some of you may have grown up in the homes of alcoholics or workaholics, abusive or neglectful perhaps you had parents who were distant or cold and uncaring. And you want to cry out “how can I honor people who are un-honorable?” “How do I honor someone who never once honored me?”
What is God asking of you this morning, is God asking you to put on a mask and pretend it never happened?
No, He is not. He knows how sorry your parents were! But he’s here this morning to ask you to take this step toward honoring your parents – forgive.
Give up your right to hold bitterness and a desire for revenge. Give up your right to always think of them with contempt.
Then, ask God to begin using you as a channel for his love. You can’t create love in your own heart. God is the source of love. Ask him to simply pour his love for them into your heart. . . and OVER TIME, as you continually make the choice to forgive, you’ll sense an attitude change in your heart.
Then you’ll truly be honoring your parents. . .
For some of you it is simply a matter of taking some time to remember them and to let them know that you appreciate all that they have done and may still be doing for you. Resolve today to give them a gift this week. The gift of listening, the gift of forgiveness, of compassion, or the gift of a blessing.
By the way, this is also how you learn to honor God.
Have you done that with your life yet?
Invitation
