Discipling Our Children
Relationships that Work, part 3
Wildwind Community Church
David K. Flowers
June 3, 2007
I want to begin this morning by calling your attention to the title of today’s message. Chris, would you show that please? Notice it is not “disciplining” our children, but rather “discipling” our children. They come from the same root word, which means “to learn.” When we discipline our children, we teach them how to act and speak properly, and hopefully how to exercise proper control over themselves. But when we disciple our children, we teach them that God loves them, that God created them for a reason and has a purpose for their lives.
I think these two happen together and enhance one another, but it is not discipline but rather discipleship I want to talk to you about this morning. In the words of Haley Scarnato from American Idol, it’s easy to just “clock in and clock out” with our children. It’s easy to just drift through life. They live in our house, after all. We can’t have every moment be super intense. The routines in our lives – get the kids up, supervise them getting ready for school, get them on the bus or drop them off, arrange pickup, get dinner on, homework, evening stuff back up at the school, set out clothes for the next school day, in bed, repeat – the routines seem to offer us plenty to do. It takes discipline for our children to get through every day, to meet all the obligations they have. As parents we have to make sure they know what to do and that they do it, on top of disciplining ourselves to get our own stuff done! But I wonder if maybe sometimes we overlook some of the most important things. I wonder if as we discipline our children, we sometimes neglect to really disciple them.
Parenting is a sensitive issue. First of all, it’s something few of us ever receive any formal training for. You’ve heard and thought a thousand times before, probably, how strange it is that you have to spend the first thirteen years of your life, at least, in school learning the skills you will need to get along in this world and that probably in that entire time you will not learn much, if anything, about parenting. Nor will you learn about marriage. You’ll spend between 13 and 17 years going to school, but a lifetime being a spouse and parent, yet you will receive pretty much zero training for those things – unless you seek out that training on your own.
Because most of us are never taught how to parent, what do we do? We do the only thing we possibly COULD do, which is parent our children the way our parents parented us! Now for some of our children, this is very bad news. My guess is that those of you who did not receive good parenting already know this, and are probably frustrated every time you say or do something that reminds you of your mom or dad. Yet because we receive so little training, we just don’t know how to do this job. Which is a huge bummer, because when we worked at McDonald’s, someone taught us to flip a hamburger. At the record store where I worked in the early 90’s, I was taught how to help a customer find obscure music. We all receive precise training for anything we do in this world that is worth doing. But when it comes to the thing we do that is worth more than anything else we’ll ever undertake, that will make the biggest impact on this world that we will ever leave, it’s sink or swim. Get married. Have yourself some sex and make a baby. Go to the hospital and have the baby and listen to the sage advice of the nurses for a few hours. Then go home and guess what? You’re on your own. Your wheelchair pusher guy standing there on the curb, waving you off. Good luck to you. I hope you don’t stink at this. Few of us ever learn to be a parent. Except in the school of hard knocks. And because few of us ever learn, most of us go into this completely ignorant of what is going to happen and how to deal with it when it does.
Now we have children, and they are doing a lot of the things kids do, like pooping and eating and making messes and pulling CD’s off the rack and breaking things and getting high fevers from hell that scare us to death and keeping our house in a constant state of disarray, no matter how hard we try to keep it clean. We still don’t really know much about parenting, but we know two things. First, our life has never been harder, more exhausting, or more chaotic. Second, we still can’t believe how much we love those little buggers. Parents, you know what I mean. It’s like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. We all know we’d jump in front of a train for them, take a bullet for them, do absolutely anything to keep them alive. That’s easy. The problem is helping them learn how to live. How do we do that? How do we muster the patience we need when we’re tired and frustrated and maybe having serious intimacy issues with our spouse because we haven’t been out together in six or eight months. And we’re out of money, and we’re beginning to think we might as well take a cot to the doctor’s office and set up camp, because the next ailment is probably just hours away. Are you with me? We’re giving our lives to keep them alive, and as hard as that is, my friends, it’s still easier than helping them learn to live, because that’s what happens between the lines. It’s what we teach them by how we react to stress, which they are the main cause of! It’s what they learn from us when they know a friend has mistreated us, or by how we act toward our spouse in front of them. It’s whether we ever have time to really look at their report card or help with their homework, whether we make it to their games or work through them all, whether or not they can come home at the end of the day and know that no matter what they have faced that day, no matter how vicious the world may have been, they are safe with us at home. That they are respected and taken care of and valued and affirmed and encouraged and supported. As my kids get older and our family gets busier, I come to value our family prayer time before bed even more. Sometimes it’s the first time we’ve actually all been together in the same room. But one way or another, I usually get to end my day in a room with the four people who mean the most to me in this world. And we end it in prayer, thanking God for each other, talking about the small things that make up real life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
But it’s hard, isn’t it, parents? The Army isn’t the toughest job you’ll ever love, parenting is. Heck, in the army there’s always somebody telling you what to do. With parenting, usually nobody tells you what to do and you’re constantly pulling your hair out trying to figure that out! Or else after you’ve just had a baby, everyone is full of advice about this great book and this great method and this great thing to try. Too little advice, or too much.
The second reason parenting is a sensitive issue is the fact that because we don’t really learn how to parent, we are deeply, deeply insecure that we’re not doing it right. We don’t love anyone on earth more than our children, and we fear we are failing them. I mean, when they’re small, they might worship us, but we know how much we fail. We think about the times we lose our temper, or keep putting off playing with them until they fall asleep and we’ve missed the chance, or just get so busy keeping them alive that we forget to take time to live with them. We think about those things and beat ourselves up over them.
And because we are so insecure, we are deeply sensitive to any suggestion that we could do something differently. Help is what we most need, but we’re too embarrassed to seek it out – after all, we’re somehow supposed to just know what to do, aren’t we? We think (or fear) everyone else is doing it better than us. If we find parents who really are doing an extraordinarily great job, we write it off, saying, “They’re lucky they don’t have MY kids.” Maybe we like to think about parents whose kids are worse than ours because it makes us feel competent – at least for a second.
And because we are so defensive, which comes from our insecurity, which comes from really not knowing what to do, we often don’t read the books or sign up for the classes we need to take. Great parenting information is available in tons of places, but we parent in the dark because we won’t take seriously the idea that we can learn this, we can get better at it. On Supernanny we see a woman transform the world’s worst children into angels every week, usually bringing peace to the family for the first time. We know it can be done, and we have seen what needs to happen, we just somehow continue to be skeptical that transformation can happen in OUR home. I’m always surprised on that show – every week the parents always think, “There’s just something wrong with these kids – I don’t know if Jo can help us.” And she does. And it’s never the kids, it’s always the parents, isn’t it? It’s hard to see where we need to change. Now if some structure and discipline can bring changes to the kids on that show, surely none of our kids are beyond hope!
Proverbs 22:6 (AMP)
6 Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Now we know there are exceptions to this. Yes it’s true that kids who received great parenting occasionally turn out badly. Kids get to a point where they make their own decisions, and sometimes they choose poorly. But it’s equally true that kids who receive poor parenting rarely turn out well. Parenting matters. If we want our boys to grow up into men who respect women and can control their tempers, we must teach them now to respect their mothers and sisters and expect them to control themselves. And dads (and moms), we must model restraint and self-control to them. If we want our girls to be secure in themselves, to be strong, and not snotty big-mouths, we must firmly, strongly, and consistently love them (especially dads, here) so they don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places, if you know what mean. Moms, we must teach our girls what restraint in speech looks like – that it’s not okay to say certain things, to gossip, to be disrespectful to authority figures. We must teach them to honor their bodies and demand respect from others by clothing themselves properly.
Parents, I’m not lecturing here. This isn’t guilt, it’s truth, and you know it’s truth. What I’m saying is that if we find that we are not capable of being the people we are trying to teach our children to be, we need to do whatever it takes to become that person. Our children will become as we really are, not the ideal person we’re trying to teach them to be. There’s too much at stake for us to wing this, even though that’s what most parents do! I believe all parents could benefit from some help and support. Parenting is just way too important not to seek that out wherever we can.
At Wildwind we realize how hard parenting is, folks. Just a few months ago, Wildwind began a parenting class, led by Chuck Flowers. Our first class wrapped up two weeks ago. The next one is starting in September and is already filled! If you’re feeling discouraged or frustrated in the toughest job you’ll ever love, or even if you just want a few more tools in your toolkit, this is a great place to get them, and also to talk about parenting with others who are facing similar challenges and learn from each other.
In what remains of our time today, I want to talk to you about discipling your child, like I said I would.
1 Timothy 3:4-5 (NCV)
4 He must be a good family leader, having children who cooperate with full respect.
5 (If someone does not know how to lead the family, how can that person take care of God’s church?)
The first thing we must note is that (1) parenting is a leadership skill. Those who lead their children skillfully will be able to teach them to cooperate with them and respect them fully. To disciple our children means to teach them, and teachers are leaders. We will lead by what we say, but as you already know, we will lead mostly by what we do. The Apostle Paul asks, “if someone does not know how to lead their family, how can they lead in the church?” I think that is an excellent question, and one we could apply to any other area of leadership. Our children are the ones we have the chance to make the biggest impact on. If we lead them skillfully, they will follow us willingly. Children (like all people) need leadership. Parents are people who eliminate for them some of the scary uncertainty of the world. That’s what leaders do, my friends. Leaders bring clarity out of chaos. When others stand around saying, “What do we do now,” leaders are the ones who say, “Here’s what we’ll do.” This doesn’t mean leaders always know for sure that they are right – parenthood often seems like a crap shoot, doesn’t it? We will often not know for sure what the right thing will be to do. But because of this uncertainty, some parents just don’t lead. “I don’t want to restrict him unnecessarily.” “All her friends at school have parents who let them watch those movies and listen to that music – maybe I’m too uptight.” Parents, please hear this – I’m trying to be encouraging here.
Children are resilient, and no parent is perfect, but our children cannot bear the weight of our insecurities, nor should they have to pay the price for them. Their young lives, their innocence, their stability, is at stake! We love our kids and we’re scared of doing the wrong thing, but the wrong thing most certainly will be allowing others to parent our children. Leadership doesn’t require always knowing the answers, but it always requires willingness to make decisions with firmness and confidence, and to bear the weight of disagreement and argument that is sure to come. I’ll say it once more because it’s huge. Children are resilient, and no parent is perfect, but our children cannot bear the weight of our insecurities, nor should they have to pay the price for them. As parents we must know our own values, know what we feel in our deepest hearts, and set limits accordingly. We must never forfeit the responsibility of leading our children.
So we must remember that parenting is about leadership. When was the last time we read a leadership book to learn more about parenting? If parenting is leadership, then we can learn a lot about parenting by studying leadership.
Next is how we are to disciple – how we are to lead – our children and teach them about God.
Ephesians 6:4 (AMP)
4 Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.
We see here that if we do not lead skillfully we will frustrate, or exasperate our children. They will come to resent us and possibly even resent God. What are some ways we can cause our children to resent us?
By not practicing what we preach
By trying too hard to be a friend instead of a parent – our kids don’t care if we’re hip, they just want to know we love them enough to keep them safe
By refusing to be a friend by listening and encouraging and supporting them
By not keeping our promises, including following through with penalties we have announced
The key word in this passage is tenderly, and that is point 2 today. (2) Whatever we do as parents, we can and must do tenderly. We can ground them tenderly, even when we are angry. We can insist that they clean their rooms tenderly, and still be firm. Tenderness is not weakness, it is an attitude that comes from a respect for our kids’ growing personhood. Whatever we do with our children, if we do it tenderly, with compassion, they will sense our love for them, even when they do not agree, and they will feel deeply secure.
Next, (3) we are to raise children in the training, discipline, admonition, and counsel of God. How do we do this? By taking them to church? Sure. But mostly by how we talk to them in everyday situations. Your nine year old gets up at 3 in the morning scared of monsters in her bedroom. Your teenager comes to you devastated about a painful ending to a friendship. Does God have a place in those conversations? Does your daughter hear about the opportunity she has to choose between faith and fear? Does your son hear about God’s concern for every friendship he has and get to think about how God would want him to respond to the pain he is feeling? Will they hear about times when you have had to choose between faith and fear, and times when you have sought God’s comfort when you were in pain? Will you pray over them, with them, and for them? Will you reassure them frequently not only of your love for them but God’s also? Will you bring God into the center of your family life?
Parents, this is critical. What happens if we do not do this? Our kids often grow up and say, “I was raised in a religious home,” but have no personal relationship with God. They see God as something that adorned the edges of their life during childhood and but who they easily shook off in college.
Finally, (4) all of this must be done naturally. It must flow out of who you are and who you are becoming.
Deuteronomy 11:18-20 (NCV)
18 Remember my words with your whole being. Write them down and tie them to your hands as a sign; tie them on your foreheads to remind you.
19 Teach them well to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
20 Write them on your doors and gates
If your child is going to value God, you will have to value God. If your child is going to live to serve others, you must live to serve others. Ever notice how children frequently go into the same occupations as their parents? Why is this? Most parents don’t force or even teach their children to pursue similar careers! Children do this because children tend to become whatever they are exposed to. If they have parents who invest in the lives of others, they probably will too. If they have parents who are nasty and disrespectful to each other, they will be that way with their spouse (and tolerate that in their spouse). If parents value education and get advanced degrees, chances are good the kids will too. If parents don’t talk about problems, never apologize when they are wrong, and don’t show emotion, the kids likely will not either. And if parents honor God, acknowledge his authority in their lives, and seek his will in all things, the kids will be likely to do the same – because our kids will become what we are. Scripture tells us just to bring this into our everyday life. Talk about it at home. Talk about it in the car. Before bed, and in the morning. You don’t have to check off a box to remember to do it in each place every day, the point is just to make it a natural part of life.
To disciple your child, to teach them about God, you do not need to be a Bible scholar – you just need to have faith that God loves you and your child, and wants to live in close relationship to you, and convey that to your child as consistently as you can. During our family prayer time, if I’m struggling in my faith, I pray that out loud. I say, “God, I don’t understand what you’re doing right now. I’m having a hard time trusting you. Will you help me to always be faithful to you, no matter what?” That’s enough – they will understand that faith is hard sometimes and they will grow up in an environment where faith is a real force, not a form of magic. If someone has died, we might say “God, we don’t always understand why people die, and we feel hurt and angry right now, but we know you love and care for us, and we will trust you to provide peace for this family.” It’s easy. Just allow your children to see who you are, and who God is to you.
Before I finish I want to say a word to parents who are not currently living with God at the center of their lives. First of all, welcome to our community of struggling people – parents and otherwise! If God has not been a high priority to you, we understand that. People are in different places. But today we are all here in this place – a Christian church – where we know we’ll hear about God. So congratulations on this step you have taken and I want to encourage you to keep taking those small steps that might eventually bring you to a place where it is your heart’s desire to live life for God and see your children do the same. Make that change in your life and you will impact your child forever – your whole family tree just might be permanently changed!
People of Wildwind, the children of Wildwind in a sense are our children. They are not the church of tomorrow, they are the church of today! Let us support one another as we continue to do the toughest job we’ll ever love. Will you pray with me?
God, nothing gets to our hearts like the issue of parenting. We love our children so much, and we don’t want to fail them. May we honor you in this unbelievably important relationship, so that our children will grow to know you, love you, and serve you faithfully all of their lives. Amen.
