HomeBuilders
Building a Happy Healthy Home
May 20, 2007
070520 – Building a Happy Healthy Home
Video: The Perfects
This isn’t real is it? There are no families on earth like this. In fact we live in a world populated with dysfunctional homes. It has always been so.
A World Filled with Dysfunctional Families
Adam and Eve
Abraham and Sarah
Isaac and Rebekah
Jacob and Rachel
David and Bathsheba
Solomon and 700 wives
Ahab and Jezebel
There is a word that is used to describe the broken and shattered homes of today. And that word is dysfunctional.
If you listen closely you will hear people talk about, dissect, dialogue and analyze dysfunctional homes and dysfunctional families. Jerry Springer, Opray Winfry, and Dr. Phil all thrive because of dysfunctional families.
I want to submit to that there has only been one fully functional family home in the history of mankind and the human race. That home, without argument, hands down would have be the home of Adam and Eve, the masterpiece of God’s creation in the world, prior to their sinful disobedience. You know the story very well—They were created to be in perfect and harmonious sync and relationship with God in a perfect environment.
Everything about them was perfect, ideal, just right—then all of that changes when Adam does not take his God-given covenant authority to kick a snake out his relationship, his home and his family. And as a consequence, sin entered in and it has never been the same since.
From Adam to today, families have faced an onslaught of tough problems. Adam and Eve had a dysfunctional marriage. Abraham and Sarah struggled with Ishmael and Isaac – half-brothers with a real hatred for one another. Isaac and Rebekah played favorites with their boys – Esau and Jacob. Rebekah connived against her husband and Jacob cheated his brother out of his birthright.
Jacob married Leah while he loved Rachel. Leah had 10 sons and Rachel had two. Guess which two were favored over the others. Joseph was so hated by the others that they almost killed him outright but ended up just selling him into slavery and then told their father that he had been killed.
David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband killed.
Solomon took 700 wives and had another 300 concubines.
Ahab and Jezebel were so filled with evil that they took whatever they wanted from others.
And the beat goes on…
The Bible is full of such stories: stories of families as they suffer the storms of life. Those stories are the stories of our lives today. No family is immune to the storms of life – they are simply a fact of life.
Every family here today is facing storms: you are either suffering through them now or you know they are coming.
Some of you are in financial distress and there seems no way out. Some of your marriages are taking a beating from the hurricanes of life and you wonder how much longer you can hold out. There may be family shame, lying, deception, jealousy, or mistrust. It may be that you’re burdened with having to take care of family that cannot take care of themselves.
Let’s look at what God says about building a home.
God is The Master Builder
Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Psalms 127:1-2
Our Father God is the Master Builder (It’s no accident that Jesus was a carpenter!) Buildings are among the most complex projects that a person can engage in. It takes someone who knows what they are doing to build a good building.
First building project in St. Joseph led by a man who was a pig farmer turned builder… Needless to say the man who knew how to yell soouueee and slop the hogs couldn’t lay out a level foundation or plumb up a wall.
4000 sq feet 4 inches out of square
Beam upside down
Plumbing along the beam
Roof gutters in the walls
It’s clear to me that if you want to build a good building you have to work with someone who knows how to build. If you want to build a home – you must go to the one who knows how to build that home. God is that master builder.
God’s Design for the Home
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Jesus, Mark 10:6-9
Sociologist and historian Carle Zimmerman, in his 1947 book Family and Civilization, recorded his keen observations as he compared the disintegration of various cultures with the parallel decline of family life in those cultures. Eight specific patterns of domestic behavior typified the downward spiral of each culture Zimmerman studied.
Marriage loses its sacredness...is frequently broken by divorce.
Traditional meaning of the marriage ceremony is lost.
Feminist movements abound.
Increased public disrespect for parents and authority in general.
Acceleration of juvenile delinquency, promiscuity, and rebellion.
Refusal of people with traditional marriages to accept family responsibilities.
Growing desire for and acceptance of adultery.
Increasing interest in and spread of sexual perversions and sex-related crimes.
Swindoll, The Quest For Character, Multnomah, p. 90.
Four Facts about God’s Design
God Designed Male and Female for One Another
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
Despite the best efforts of human political agendas there is no place people of the same sex being joined together spiritually in God’s plan. Marriage is designed by God to be the meshing of two lives – one a man and the other a woman.
Does that mean that it’s impossible for a man to be with a man or a woman with a woman? Of course they can. It’s been done for as long as man has been on the earth. We see it in the Old Testament in days of both Noah and Abraham. It’s as old as Sodom and Gomorrah.
We have seen it in every time and in every culture from those early days until today. You’ll find it the ancient Greek and Roman cultures. You’ll find it in the middle ages. It was in the modern ages of the sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth centuries. It was in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries and guess what – it’s in our time as well. The lure and attraction of homosexuality is not a new invention. It’s as old as dirt – literally!
But listen, just because something can be done, this does not mean it should be done. Men with men and women with women are not God’s design.
God’s plan is for a man and a woman are joined in marriage for the purpose of building a home where love is grown, children are raised and protected, and God is honored.
In God’s plan there is a place for children to gain from both a mother and a father.
In God’s plan there is a man and woman each of whom is made to be complete by the other.
In God’s plan there is the establishment of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy that gives us a taste of what he wants to share with us for all time.
This is God’s design and it is his perfect functional plan. Anything else is dysfunctional.
God Designed the Breaking of the Parent Bond
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
Certainly, we are to honor our parents always. This is the Fifth Commandment – with a promise of a long and good life. We’ll be talking about this some more in the next couple of weeks.
But it’s not God’s plan that we would stay connected to our parents for as long as we are alive. No, in God’s design the expectation is that we break with our parents and leave them someday.
For those of us who are parents of teenagers when this begins to happen it comes as a bit of a shock – even when we know it’s going to happen someday. This is the role of parenting. It is not to be responsible forever but to teach, rebuke, correct, and train our kids to become mature and prepared adults. Someday that means they will leave the protection of our homes to establish their own.
In God’s design it is expected that they will leave us and come together with a new partner in life to create a new and completed person.
She’s Home
We were visiting friends when they received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their first big fight.
In a few moments, the father rejoined us and tersely explained, "Said she wanted to come home."
"What did you tell her?" I asked.
" I told her she was home."
Larry Cunningham (Billings, Montana), Reader’s Digest.
This is God’s design and it is his perfect functional plan. Anything else is dysfunctional.
God Designed the Creation of New Flesh
and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.
God takes two individuals and melts them into one soul using only the furnace of life itself.
In God’s plan each individual is saying with every breath and every action one simple, powerful, profound fact – “You complete me!”
How does this happen exactly? I don’t know. Even Paul speaks of this as a mystery that no one fully understands but there is a joining of souls in marriage that creates a new “flesh” The original word means “skin”. God designed two people to fit together in one skin!
This is God’s design and it is his perfect functional plan. Anything else is dysfunctional.
God Designed the Home for a Lifetime
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
We are made to come together in marriage and to be joined in such a way that death and death only will separate you from one another. This is the plan. This is our design.
Yet, what do we see – divorce is quite common. In fact, today it is easier than ever to be divorced. In “no fault” divorces we make the covenant of marriage the only contract in human relationships that means so little that we can walk away anytime, for any reason, with no consequences. You can’t do that when you buy a car or a house. But marriage has become so much a matter of convenience that we have made it something like a club – you can join – you can quit – no problem.
One of the ten
On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ’Lucky for him that’s one of the ten.’"
Roderick McFarlane, in Reader’s Digest, December, 1992.
So we have women leaving men because they don’t have feelings for their husbands anymore. And we have men who chase after another woman (whether real or online) because he thinks that his own wife isn’t the “right one” for him. And the result is that the children are left destitute and broken in broken and dysfunctional homes.
The world’s design is a building a made of straw, nothing is secure, nothing is save, and there isn’t a square wall within a 100 yards.
Listen, Marriage is not a societal contract – it is a God ordained miracle of the highest order and it was built to last a life time.
This is God’s design and it is his perfect functional plan. Anything else is dysfunctional.
So what is the problem?
Idolatry
It’s very simple. Are you ready? Here it is. In rejecting the design we have rejected the designer. When we fail to follow the design of the Almighty God we buy into a whole different world view in which there is a different design, and a different way that comes from a different god. This god is the god of self. I just want to be happy. I just want what is coming to me. I just want what I deserve. I just want what is mine. I just want…
The root of dysfunctional marriages, broken homes, and needy children is a self focused, ego centered, man or woman who thinks that their needs, wants, desires, dreams, and hopes are all that count.
There is a book out right now that is burning up the best seller lists called “The Secret.” If you haven’t read it yet – don’t bother. It’s essentially just another self-help, positive thinking, if you believe it enough, say it enough, and want it enough it will happen book. The center of the whole idea is – you.
You want to read a book that will help you figure out what life is really about – try picking up this one – the Bible. It was written by your designer listen to what he says will happen to you when you ignore his design. You’ll find it in Exodus 20:4-6. It’s called the second commandment and there is a promise attached to it.
The Second Commandment
“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them;
The Second Commandment
for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Exodus 20:4-6
The Second Commandment tells us that dysfunctionality passes from one generation to the next just as surely as water flows downhill. But it also tells us that the answer to broken and dysfunctional homes is to go back to the source for a remake and a do-over.
Listen, there is no one here that has done such a good of a job in life that they are superior to anyone else. We’ve all sinned. We’ve all failed and we’ve all got some level of dysfunctionality in us.
Let me put it to you this way – you are the way you are because of what your mother, father, and grand parents, and even what your great grand parents did with their lives. And before you get all high and mighty – your kids, their kids, and their kids will all be messed up because of you.
Discouraged? Disheartened? Don’t be. This is just the way of human plans and designs compared to God’s.
Remember, the answer is to go back to the source, the creator, the designer – our almighty God and our awesome father. When we go back that’s when we can experience the miracle healing of God’s love. God’s love is at least 250 times greater than the force of dysfunctionality and brokenness.
How does that work? Let me show you what God says about this.
To go from a dysfunctional life to a functional life you must do three things. Here they are.
Trust God’s Design
…if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands require a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strands tightly woven. In a Christian marriage, God’s presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds holds husband and wife together.
Cathern Paxton.
God’s plan: 1+1+God = an unbreakable bond.
If you try to do it without God you will most certainly fail.
I am fearful of what I see in our times. I heard on the radio of how there is possible legislation for unmarried couples to adopt children.
I ask you this question, When this law is enacted: who is thinking about the security and safety of the children? God’s design creates a solid foundation of safety and security for children. The dysfunctionality of man creates a slippery and scary existence right out of a horror movie.
Listen to me, God knows how to build a godly man out of a boy and godly woman out of a girl and it involves a home with a father and a mother. It involves a place where there is safety and security when two become one.
If you’ve already messed this up – remember that God’s love is far stronger than man’s dysfunctionality and He can make you new.
Now just a word to the single parents here today. If this is your place in life and you can marry then it is not wrong to do so. That’s true whether you were widowed or divorced. I wish I had time to go into this in some more depth but I do not. I do have a brochure titled “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage” on the information table in the foyer if you want to pick it up following the service. It covers what Moses, Jesus, and the apostle Paul all said about this subject.
Let me also say this. If you are single and want to remain that way that’s ok too – as long as you regard God as your partner in life. He promises you the strength you need in this life even if you are raising children. He can make the difference in your life and the life of your children.
Guard Your Marriage Bond
Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
1 Corinthians 6:16
The act of sex is not simply an adult entertainment.
One of the greatest of lies that is the constant message of TV, movies, books, and magazines that the sexual relationship is something to be treated as casual, natural, and inevitable. This is a lie of the first magnitude.
Sexual attraction is designed by God to be incredibly powerful. It is made to pull us together and to make us into one person.
Dr. Richard Dobbins, Homemade, November. 1987.
Sometimes when I’m talking to teens, I draw an analogy between the bonding capacity of the body and adhesive tape. Adhesive tape is not made for repetitive use. The strongest bond adhesive tape is capable of making is formed with the first surface to which it is applied. You can remove the tape and reapply it to other surfaces several times, and it will still adhere. However, with every application, some of the adhesiveness has been compromised. Finally, if you continue the practice long enough, there will not be enough adhesiveness left to make the tape stick to any surface. God intended that the bond between mates be the closest and strongest one they are capable of forming. That is why Paul makes it very clear that the body is not for fornication.
Sex is not a toy. It is a powerful explosive force designed by God to created the holiest of intimacies. God created us to be bonded with one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The reason for sexual abstinence is not just to avoid STD’s or having a baby when you are not married. It’s because you are joining yourself body and soul with another person who hasn’t promised to love and protect you for your whole life!
So… Guard your body! Guard your heart! Guard your soul and guard the marriage bond from any thing, any person, any situation that adulterates the marriage bond.
If you’ve already messed this up – remember that God’s love is far stronger than man’s dysfunctionality and He can make you new.
Soften Your Heart
Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
“What did Moses command you?” he replied.
They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
Mark 10:2-5
The fact is that we’ve all been hurt in marriage. Some of us have been damaged so badly that the marriage has evaporated into bitterness and divorce.
Let God soften your heart. Forgiveness is for you – the forgiver – as well as the forgiven. It releases you from the pain, the anger and the distress of rejection.
This is the work of God’s Holy Spirit in you. There is a song that calls for the Holy Spirit to soften our hearts. Every time I hear this song I think of a shriveled, and dried up piece of leather that has become brittle and beaten because of the storms of time. God’s spirit can take your shriveled, bitter heart and with the oil of God’s love he can soften it again. You don’t have to be filled with anger and acid does not have to flow through your veins.
Several years ago a woman by the name of Kathy came into my office and began to tell me how disappointed she was with her husband and her life. About a year later she left him and he came into my office desperate to fix the mess he was in – but it was too late. Kathy refused to soften her heart. She hardened it against him and refused to love him again. She never forgave him and I watched this kind and gracious lady become an old and bitter woman over the course of just a few months.
What she should have done was to have fought for her marriage. It would have taken work and patience without any guarantee’s that Dick hard really changed his heart – but it would have been worth the risk.
A woman seeking counsel from Dr. George W. Crane, the psychologist, confided that she hated her husband, and intended to divorce him. "I want to hurt him all I can," she declared firmly. "Well, in that case," said Dr. Crane, "I advise you to start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him, when he thinks you love him devotedly, then start the divorce action. That is the way to hurt him." Some months later the wife returned to report that all was going well. She had followed the suggested course. "Good," said Dr. Crane. "Now’s the time to file for divorce." "Divorce!" the woman said indignantly. "Never. I love my husband dearly!"
Bits & Pieces, August 22, 1991.
Again, I wish I had the time to really explore this with you but if you need help with your marriage God can make it different than what it is today – and part of it will happen when you allow Him to soften your heart.
If you’ve already messed this up – remember that God’s love is far stronger than man’s dysfunctionality and He can make you new.
Marriage is God’s Plan to build a home, to surround us with protective love, and to grant us contentment in the center of chaos.
“In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.”
Psalms 127:2
Where do you begin? I hope you have seen the answer woven through this entire message. You can’t do it without God’s help. Jesus is the only one who can help you become the man or woman that fits perfectly into God’s design for your family. If you rise up early and stay up late. If you work three jobs and do all you can to take care of your family – you will fill utterly and completely.
But if you turn to God and ask his help then… there will be peace, rest, and contentment. A heart filled with quiet ease. Peace and contentment comes from following God’s design for the home.
Would you stand please? We’re going to sing some more. Esther is going to play and while she plays I’d like to ask you to think again about these things.
Have you turned to Jesus before? Turn to Him again today.
Are you standing here in this place holding the chair in front of you and wondering if this is for you? It is. All you have to do is to decide this day that you are going to follow Jesus. That means that from this day forward you will turn away from your self centered past and will seek to serve Jesus as your Lord. That means that today you decide to accept him as your savior and to be baptized into him as a sign of the cross of Jesus in your very life.
How about it? Are you ready? Don’t look around – just come to the front while Esther leads the singing.
