Marriage: Discord or Harmony
Genesis 2:18-25
“God said, it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him.” (18) God brought all the animals of creation before Adam, but no companion could be found among them. “So the Lord God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam’s ribs and closed in the place from which he had taken it. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam.” (21-22)
“At last! (Wow!) Adam exclaimed – She is part of my own flesh and bone! She will be called woman, because she was taken out of a man. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
Someone asked young children how people decide who they are to marry.
Kristen, age 10 answered this way, “No person really knows before they grow up whom they’re going to marry. God decided it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Alan, age 10, said, “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff you do. Like, if you like sports, she should like sports, and she should keep the chips and dips coming!”
Anita, age 9, answered how people decided whom to marry this way: “It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
10 year old Ricky replied to the question this way: “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Marriages might be described as in Discord or in Harmony, a duel or a duet, discord or in harmony.
In music the discords set your teeth on edge and make you unable to enjoy the music. An orchestra in harmony is pleasing to listen to and inspiring. Marriages in discord are merely surviving and not thriving.
Marriages that are in Discord
Many marriages start out with a honey moon. The relationship from the beginning seems like it was made in heaven. But following the honeymoon reality sets in and many adjustments have to be made.
Carollyn and I got married on August 20 and moved to a small mobile home in Wilmore, KY where I started my first year of Seminary at Asbury Theological Seminary. We had to make many adjustments in our relationship.
There is a small community about five miles West of Wilmore called High Bridge. There is a high railroad bridge that spans a river. You can park your car and walk up on the bridge. From the bridge you can see two rivers that come together and form one larger river. One river is fairly clear and the other river is muddy in color. They come together and the water foams and churns creating small whirlpools.
Marriage is like that. Two different lives come together from different backgrounds and experiences. There are many adjustments and compromises as two become one.
During our first two years of marriage we did survive. We lived from hand to mouth. Carollyn was a senior in college and worked part time in the seminary library. I worked part time selling shoes as Sears and also worked at the University of KY selling pennants and misc. items outside the stadium.
For three years we did leave and cleave. “Cleave” means to hold fast and be faithful to each other in marriage.” We were forced to make it on our own. Neither of our family lived close enough to stop in and check on us or tell us where we were going wrong. I know this, survival is not a fun way to live. You are happy to just get through it. No one wants to stay in a survival mode all their married life.
Kenneth Chafin in his book, “Is There a Family in the House,” tells of an experience in his marriage during the first year. Kenneth and his wife Barbara bought a ham. They enjoyed ham steaks and ham sand witches. A big ham bone was left. Kenneth asked his wife: “Do you know what my mother would do with a ham bone like that? She would cook it all day in a big pot of beans and make a big pan of cornbread to go with it”
His wife Barbara said, “Why that’s exactly what my mother would do.” They agreed to have ham and beans and cornbread the next night.
The next evening Kenneth could hardly wait to get home to eat the delicious ham and beans. He could almost smell the aroma before he even got home.
He walked into their apartment but something didn’t smell right. He marched to the stove, lifted the lid on the bean pot and was horrified at what he saw. He shouted to his wife, “Where I’m from they say beans mean pinto beans.” With a feeling of hurt in her voice she shouted back, “Well where I’m from, when they say beans they mean green beans.” Finally they sat down and had a good laugh, realizing that the breakdown in communication came from their different backgrounds – one from Georgia and one from Okalahoma.
A marriage in the survival mode is often made up of immature people. The fact of getting married does not erase the traits of an immature person. Marriage is not a panacea for immature character flaws. Getting married does not solve personal problems. Dr. David Mace says “There are no unhappy marriages, only marriage partners who are immature.”
Marriage life becomes unbearable in the home where two people insensitive to each other’s needs. Someone has written: “Because marriage makes us vulnerable to one another, sensitivity without sanctity leads to tragedy; sanctity without sensitivity means agony.”
A little girl was telling her mother the story of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and she was very excited about it. When she got to the place where the prince kissed Snow White and awakened her form her sleep, she said, “Mother do you know what happened them?” Her mother said, “They lived happily ever after.” The little girl said, “Oh no, they got married.”
If a husband or wife is insensitive, selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate then that marriage will remain in a survival mode. The marriage will be a duel not a duet. It is will in discord and not in harmony.
Marriages that are surviving lack effective communication. Blood is to the body what communication is to marriage. I’ll present some helpful suggestions on communication when I talk about thriving marriages.
Marriages that are surviving lack a spiritual foundation in the home. Without a spiritual and moral foundation there is no cohesive force that holds the family together. Jesus Christ is the holding force in the home.
The sun in our solar system gives a unity of structure to our universal force of gravity. If you take the sun out of our solar system all the other planets would fall out of place. Jesus Christ, the son of righteousness, is the unifying force in the Christian home.
Jesus is the glue that holds families together. Without Jesus there is no cohesive force to hold the family together during times of crisis.
God’s plan is for marriages to thrive not survive.
Marriages that are in Harmony
Marriages that thrive have both husband and wife making the commitment to love God with all their heart and honor one another. “Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
Everyone when they marry hope for a successful marriage for life. Ted Turner, media mogul and billionaire reflected on his life of success in business: “After having done CNN and the Super-station, winning the America’s Cup in 1997 and the ’95 World Series with the Atlanta Braves, I feel I can do just about anything. Except have a successful marriage.
Successful marriages are not made in heaven. Successful marriages are made when two people become united in seeking the Lord and applying God’s Word to their relationships. Successful marriages require commitment and a willingness to change and learn.
People spend years going to school to learn a skill and qualify for a job. How much time to husbands and wives spend in studying how to be a good partner in marriage?
As Christ followers we are committed to life-long learning. We can learn how to better partners and better parents and honor one another as husband and wife.
Marriage is between a man and a woman. The idea of marriages was in the mind of God. He created man and woman and brought them together for companionship and to populate the earth. “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Gen. 1:27
Successful marriages leave and cleave. Leave parents and create their own family unity. Parents are not abandoned, but parents are no longer number one in the new family. Apron strings are cut and each family develops their own identity.
The parent-child relationship is meant to be temporary. The husband wife relationship is meant to be permanent.
The first couple, Adam and Eve had no trouble leaving and cleaving.
• There were no in-laws to deal with.
• Eve did not have the option of running home to Mama if things got bad around the house.
• Adam never heard Eve say, “You’re not the only man I could have married.”
• Eve never had to listen to Adam say, “Why can’t you cook like Mamma did?”
Communication is the key to success in marriage. Just as blood is to the human body so is communication to marriage. James 1:19 says, “Dear friends, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Thriving marriages thrive because both husband and wife listen to each other.
Nancy Stahl, in her book, Jelly side Down, tells about the challenges of talking to a husband who is self absorbed. She writes: “What I object to most is that, unless one counts the sparking one sided conversations I carry on with the dog, the cryptic remarks I address to the washing machine, and an occasional chat with Dial-a-prayer, I spend ten hours of every day virtually incommunicado.”
“How was your day?” I began last night, addressing my opening remarks to the back of the sports page.
“Umm.”
“Did you have a good lunch?”
“Umm.”
“I’m having the roof re-shingled with gold-plated clam shells,” I remarked casually.
“Ummhummm.”
“The TV repairman is madly I love with me. We’re running off together next Wednesday morning right after I get back from Weight Watches.”
“Umm.”
“Talk to me! I finally shrieked. He stared at me as if I had just demanded that he shave his legs.”
“I have been talking to you.”
“You haven’t been talking, you’ve been umming. You haven’t hard a word I’ve said, I complained. I’ve heard everything you’ve said,” he argued. “By the way you have lipstick on your teeth.”
James H. Jauncey, author of Magic in Marriage, tells of a wife who realized the barrier of communication in her home and did something about it. She was married to a research chemist. Her husband loved to tell about his work but it was so much double talk to her. His use of big words made her feel inferior and so she began to shut him up. He was sensitive and took the hint.
It wasn’t long until conflicts in the home arose and he became depressed and picky of her.
One night when her husband was in his study she happened to pass his study and look in. His head was cradled in his arms and she heard him whisper: “If only I had someone to talk to.”
She didn’t let on that she heard, but the next day inquired: “Tom, if you don’t mind explaining to a dunce like me, I sure would like to know what that experiment is you’re working on.”
His face lit up and took on a new glow and he not only told her about his experiment, but also some office troubles that were eating at him.
For marriage relationships that have broken down the Bible has the cure for broken relationships. Let me give you two different scripture passages to underline in your bibles: Ephesians 4:31-32, “Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.” Colossians 3:13-14, “Forbearing one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
God’s plan is for every family unit to have a thriving relationship in harmony. Whether you are a single parent family, blended family or a family with both mom and day in the home you can move from just discord to harmony, surviving to thriving from a duel to a duet.
Take responsibility for your family. Continue to love your parents, but leave your family and cleave to each other.
Be committed to life long learning to improve your life and your family relationships.
Make communication a priority for your family. There are good books I our library that are excellent resources. I recommend the book by Dr. Norman Wright, “Communication Key to Success in Marriage.”
Jesus is the glue that holds families together. When you need to ask for or give forgiveness Jesus will help you. Jesus heals broken relationship.
You can have a marriage in harmony that thrives.
