Raise your hand if you are married. Now raise your hand if you want to get married. Oh, do I have a message for you? Let’s Play the Video!!
(The Video is from sermonspice and titled SEX and portrays the worlds view of SEX. Cost $10).
Today, as you can see, we are going to be talking about SEX. We all heard what they said, you can have sex with any person, “its all fun just go with the flow,” “sex before marriage-can’t do it any other way,” “anything in moderation is good,” even my man with no shirt on and the tattoo who looked high as a kite said “Group sex is cool.”
The WORLD has dominated our society in the area of SEX-EDUCATION. They are the leading influence and teacher on sex. Their view is regularly pushed on the streets, music, TV and in the movies. Would you agree that there is not one thing in this video you never heard before? I bet, if I asked some of you, to tell me, how the WORLD views sex. You would probably say, word for word, the things that were said in this video.
How about, if I asked you, what does God have to say about SEX? Would you be able to give me an accurate BIBLICAL answer? Would your answers be as through as the answers you would have for the world’s view on sex? Probably, not! It is probably safe to say that very few of you would give me a sound biblical view on sex. I know that because when I was in TC, I did not have a clue.
Watch this: “Sex is the first thing we want to do when we leave here and it is the last thing we would think to study while we are here.”
I’ll be completely honest. I still have a ton to learn about SEX. If it was not for the intense, I mean extremely intense, hands on, training I took for almost a year called “Marriage” (HOLD the RING UP), I would be speechless now!! But combining my hands on training and extensive research, my wife I have done on this subject, plus having sat under the best speakers in the country on marriage and having read everything we can get out hands on, we feel, we have developed a teaching that accurately portrays God’s heart for SEX.
(TITLE) "SEX-GOD" (Rob Bell’s Book)
Did you know that Howard Stern didn’t invent sex, nor did Hugh Heffner? Sex is God’s Idea. Before the church ever had their first service, God created sex. Even before man fell in the Garden, sex existed. So for as long as man ruled this earth, sex has been on the brain. Can I get an Amen?
At a conference the speaker was Dr. Gary Chapman. He was speaking on sex and he began by addressing a common problem among Christians today. He called it “The Great Sex Swindle.”
He made two statements that ring true in our Christians circles today. He said, (1) “Christians believe that sex is sinful and worldly” and (2) “Good Christians are not suppose to talk about sex.” Both of these ideas are false. How can sex be sinful if it is God’s idea for man and out of everyone in the world, Christians should be the last people to be silent on the subject.
Some one once said, “We should never be embarrassed to discuss what God was not embarrassed to create.” I heard it said like this, “God does not blush when He looks over the banister of heaven and sees us taking part in the very thing HE created” and He especially does not get shy when we talk about it with the correct motives.
Dr. Richard Dobbins teaches that, “The bible is neither silent nor uninhibited when talking about the issue of human sexuality. God has words on this topic so we should not be silent.”
When we talk about sex, we have to talk about marriage because the two go hand and hand. Just like you can’t drive a car without a motor, you can’t have sex without being married. The truth of the matter is this “Outside of marriage sex cannot serve God’s purposes.” God’s purposes for sex are manifold, meaning more than one.
But before we talk about the Biblical Perspective on SEX, I want to make a statement I heard at a marriage conference (WRITE THIS DOWN). The speaker said, “A satisfying sex life is the result of a satisfying marital relationship.” Did you see that? The relationship itself is primary and out of a loving marital relationship, flows a passionate sex life. It can’t be any other way.
The world’s view is contrary. They believe “a satisfying marital relationship is the result of a satisfying sex life.” They put all their eggs in one basket and when it does not turn out the way they expect and true love is not experienced, they bail out of the relationship. What this has done is damage our society mentality when it comes to sex and marriage, crippling the marital covenant, which is a BLOOD COVENANT, reducing it down to a temporary contract like something you fill out when you buy a car.
The reality of God’s word is that a satisfying sex life is the result of a satisfying martial relationship. Marriage is solely about one thing and one thing only, “building a healthy relationship,” not only a building a passionate sex life. SEX is just “1” cylinder in an eight cylinder car, so without the other “7” firing, the car probably will not function properly. I would recommend that if you are married or ever want to be married some day, you become a student of the relationship. Learn as much as you can about what it means to be married and you will never go wrong. Someone once said, “You will never waste the time you take to sharpen your tools.” And this is a tool that will reap benefits all the way to the bedroom.
So let’s begin to make that investment, right now, with your first lesson on God’s Purposes for SEX:
1. God’s 1st Purpose for SEX is Procreation (or Reproduction)!
Genesis 1:28---“God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”
It is said, this is the one command of God that we have no problem obeying. We have filled the earth, would you agree? This point is basic, right? Then, why do we have a problem today with “The single parent syndrome”? God created children to be born inside of the marriage covenant with both a loving mother and a father. When a parent is missing, the child loses 50% of the love and attention God designed them to receive, 50% that is a lot. I don’t know if you are aware of this but when a father is an active believer, there is a 75% chance that his children will come to Christ but if only the mother is an active believer, there is only a 15% chance the children will come to Christ. Dad’s its time to take back what the enemy has taken from you, and be that dad to your child that God designed you to be, your child’s life depends upon it.
I heard someone say,” There is no such thing as illegitimate children, there are only irresponsible parents.” God intended that a by product of sex is procreation, but reproduction is only suppose to take place inside of the marital relationship, so make sure you are responsible for your creations. No one should be taking care of your kids, except you and/or your wife. Fathers, even if you messed up in the past, you still have time to redeem the future with your children. I know this, because I lived it.
My father made huge mistakes in the first four years of my life. When I was three he beat my mom so bad with a gun that there was not an inch of her body without a bandage. At that time, a new law was passed about using a gun in the course of a crime and his charges totaled 99 years if convicted. My grandfather got him a real good lawyer and he ended up with a five flat in which he did almost two years. My dad messed. My brother and I ended up in the custody of the state for awhile. While in jail, my dad got clean, began to lead the AA meetings and started to go to the Catholic services. Within two weeks of his release from prison, a judge awarded him full custody of my brother and me. My dad messed up big time, but he was given a second chance and God wants to do the same thing for you. God’s first purpose for sex is reproduction, but we have to be responsible for what we create.
2. God’s 2nd Purpose for SEX is Proximity (or Companionship, Closeness, Intimacy)!
Did you know that sex begins in the kitchen for women? What makes a healthy sex life in marriage is the way you treat your spouse through the day. It is the way you talk to her, the way you listen to her that turns her on and also what you do for her. Bishop Boon said, “Don’t think you can act like a child all day and expect to be a man at night.” Your wife will not want anything to do with you if you don’t treat her with the utmost respect and love throughout the day.
Two Secrets to Successful Sex:
(1) Sex is not a woman’s top priority. At the top of a woman’s list is for a man to be a companion, then sex is somewhere down the list, closer to the end. Listen to the results of this survey. Husbands and wives were asked to rate all the things they like to do with their spouse. For men sex was ranked 1st or 2nd, but for women, do you know what number sex was out of 15 choices? Does anybody want to guess? 13. Sex was thirteen. You will never believe what number 12 was. Anybody want to guess? Gardening! Women rather garden then have sex. That blows me away, but it just goes to show how different men and women are.
I know what you are thinking, you want a sex partner first and a companion second. Well, the reality is your wife or future wife is looking for a best friend first. I have a good idea, stop trying to be only her sex partner and be her best friend. Sex is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but when age kicks in and one, two, and three kids come, it is your friendship, not your sex life that is going to bring you together.
(2) Romance is spelled “HELP.”
Gary Smalley told the men at a marriage conference. The secret to being romantic has nothing to do with buying roses or burning candles. He said all you have to do is help your wife clean the house. Remember what I just told you, sex starts in the kitchen that is literally true. Gary Smalley said women connect with their house on a different level then men. So when she sees you cleaning that which she is connected to, it turn’s her on. I know it might sound weird, but it is very true. The goal, even before marriage, is to meet her emotional needs, if you have a problem doing that you are going to have a rough time being fulfilled sexually.
Who knows your wife, better than your wife herself? No one! Ask her, how you can meet her emotional needs? She probably has a list already filled out and waiting for you. Women have the tendency to think we can read their minds and do miracles. I don’t know why, but they really think that. Ask her how you can be her companion and I guarantee if you do that you will watch your sex life hit record highs.
The Lonely Factor
Genesis 2:18—The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
The Hebrew word, alone, means to be cutoff and isolated. It is the same Hebrew word used in reference to a hand being cut off; it is not good for a hand to be alone. Would you agree?
In a survey taken of single adults, they said their greatest struggle in life is loneliness. The well being of humans rest on the fact that we have genuine and meaningful relationships. It is healthier to be married then to be single. It adds 9 years to your life. Notice that marriage was the answer to man’s loneliness, not a job, money, success, power, etc. God created the woman to be a companion to the man and the man to the women.
Guys, we need women more then they need us. God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Did you see that, a man is the one who initiates the relationship? The man is the one who leaves to find the woman, not the other way around.
The need to escape the plaque of loneliness that Adam was struggling with could not even be met by God Himself. It was a woman, Eve, who finally got Adam’s attention. Eve, not God, was able to meet Adam’s need of loneliness, but God made it clear. These needs could only be met in the context of a marital relationship. Adam was looking for intimacy. What he really wanted to do was understand a woman and have her understand him. That was God’s plan from the beginning. But today, what is the first complaint a man has. “I can’t figure her out,” but if you were to ask the woman about him, I bet she has him all figured out. She knows what shoes size he is, what he likes to eat, when he’s down, why he’s happy, etc.
Sex for women begins not when you shut the lights off and close the door, but with a conversation. Learn about her. Be vulnerable and transparent, let her see the insides of you, the real you. Listen to her, pay attention to her, and you will find that it pays high returns in the bedroom.
No one said it is easy, companionship is hard work. I have adopted this as my motto for life. I read it in a book Jimmy Evans wrote. He said, “If you want your marriage to work, you have to work on your marriage.” The only qualification a husband and wife are required to bring into a marriage is a willingness to work on their marriage. The same goes for your sex life. Sex inside marriage is hard work because there is no such thing as a one night stand in marriage. The ultimate goal of sex inside marriage is not to see how many times in a day you can do it even though that can be fun, but to strive to fulfill your spouse and in the process you will find fulfillment as well. You must fulfill to be fulfilled.
If you want to cultivate a healthy sex life, you must not look to get something but look to give something. I heard that 95% of martial problems are a result of spouses looking to get something from their spouse rather than to give something to them. 95%. That is high. In order to fulfill God’s purpose for sex, we must take full responsibility for our part in the relationship. If your spouse knows, you are looking after her best interests; you will not have a problem being fulfilled, but if your spouse knows you are just in it for you, then you are going to be really sexually frustrated. True fulfillment comes when you help fulfill your spouse. Believe me; you are not going to hit a homerun every time you have sex. That’s just how it is. What I do know is that you can be fulfilled by the effort your spouse puts into the act. God’s first purpose for sex is procreation; His second purpose for sex is proximity and . . .
3. God’s 3rd Purpose for SEX is Pleasure (Enjoyment)!
There is a book in the Bible filled with SEX. Does anybody know what book I am talking about? You know it is the book, we don’t talk about in church and if we do, we are very selective. In the opening words of Song of Solomon, without identification, an unidentified women cries out, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth” and then a couple verses later she says, “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4). It’s pretty obvious, what they were doing in the king’s chambers, but to be Biblically correct I did a word study and found out that 5 out of 8 times, the word chamber is mentioned in the OT; people involved were having SEX. So it is then safe to assume, they were getting it on.
Mrs. Solomon’s mission was to get her king in the palace penthouse suite. Her passion for her man was clear and strong. Let me illustrate this to you with a scene from there marriage. 1:16She said, “How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.” Did you catch that last part? She said, “Our bed is verdant.” I want to say two things about this KING SIZED BED.” (1) This was not any old bed. IT was actually like a super sized coach. One commentator said the king’s coach was extremely stylish and magnificent. Now we know, why Solomon was the ladies man, he understood that a woman’s surroundings were a very high priority to her. (2) Also, the word “verdant” is an adjective that described their sex life. Solomon was a freak. Verdant means alive, fresh, and fruitful. Their sex life was a place of activity and growth, an environment conducive for the passionate lovemaking God says is a good thing in the marriage bed. At a marriage conference, the speaker said, “Sex is not an end; it is the means to an end. The end we seek is a marriage relationship filled with companionship, commitment, passion and spiritual intimacy. The bottom line is this: “A satisfying SEX life is the result of a satisfying marital relationship.”
I want to look to Abraham, the oldest man on the planet at the time to have SEX. He was a ripe old age of 99. This is what I think he would say, if he taught a SEX Education Class. In Genesis 18, Abraham as an old man and the Lord told him that he was going to have a child. As the Lord was speaking, Abraham’s wife heard this conversation through the tent flap. “So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, ‘After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?’" In Sarah’s response, it is clear that when she thought about all the times her and AB got it on, they were all pleasure based because she never had children. The word used for pleasure in this verse speaks of the pleasure of relating to one another sexually. So don’t worry, God intended for us to get freaky with our wife and our wife only.
He intended for sex to be pleasurable, satisfying and fulfilling. So be creative, keep it clean, sex is not just physically pleasurable, but spiritually pleasurable as well, it is the only thing you can do with your wife that you can’t do with another woman. So make it a sacred time for you and your wife to connect.
I heard a speaker said, “God wants us to have first class sex.” I would tell you to turn to your neighbor and tell them that God wants them to have first class sex, but I don’t think that would look right., but it is true. It is God’s heart and desire for us to have first class SEX, don’t accept anything less.
Let’s talk about the greatest barrier to Experiencing Mutual Fulfillment in Marriage. Are you ready for this? Committing Adultery. You might be thinking I have never committed adultery before. Jesus said, “If anyone who looks at a woman lustfully, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
You don’t have to be married to commit adultery. Anyone who lusts in their hearts commits adultery to their current or future spouse. Jesus declared that adultery is not just a physical problem but also a heart problem. If your heart is not pure, then your behaviors will follow suit.
This applies to all of us, married and unmarried. You actually commit adultery in your heart way before you ever touch a woman physically.
Every woman we have been with either sexually or non-sexually affects the next relationship. We take out of one relationship and bring to the next both positive and negative experiences.
In the eyes of women, almost all those experiences from our past relationships are negative. You will never hear you spouse compliment you for all the women you slept with!
What you will hear is your spouse cry because of those women. In my own life, I can’t think of one positive experience I brought to my marriage from any of my past relationships. Not one. But I could tell you a million negative things I did.
The only hope we have, is that, Christ in us, will give us the desire and strength to do it right. That is the foundation of my marriage and I hope it is for yours. If it was not for what God is doing in me, I would not have such a beautiful wife. I have not met a girl like her. She is way smarter than me. She’s hot. She holds higher standards then me. The girl is here to serve my every need. Plus, the beauty of it all, I get to learn from her and she tends to pick up a few things from me here and there.
The best way to ruin your present marriage and future marriage is to LUST. When you lust you satisfy yourself at the expense of God and others. Lust is an act of selfishness. Lust takes, love gives. The act of lusting is crippling marriages across the country. It leads to pornography addictions, marital affairs, sexually transmitted diseases, divorce, and the list goes on.
We have to bring our minds under the Lordship of Christ. Every time we lust, we give the enemy a foothold, a place to wreck havoc. “If we lust today, we will lust tomorrow and if we lust tomorrow, we will sin the next day.”
Listen to this quote, “Sow a thought, reap an action; Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.” When married, if you begin to sow the wrong thoughts, you will reap a disastrous destiny with your spouse, a destiny filled with pain. A destiny absent of love. But if you sow positive thoughts about your spouse, and endless love, you will live happily ever after.
I want to clarify one thing people tend to say Jesus meant when he said “if anyone who looks at a woman lustfully, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Some say this verse gives them the freedom to commit adultery, because if they think it, they are considered an adulterer so they might as well do it.
Think about for a second. Thinking and doing it are two totally different things. When someone lusts mentally after a woman, it only affects that single person. But when someone commits adultery with another person, they are affecting their life plus someone else’s, not to mention the family members that are connected to both of these people.
To commit adultery mentally and physically are both absolutely wrong. Every time you commit adultery, by lusting to masturbate, looking at pornography, or engaging in pre-marital sex, you add a brick to the wall between you and your spouse or your future spouse. You have the power, right now to begin working on your marriages, even for those who are not married.
Once you get married any problems you might have with pornography or masturbation are just going to disappear. They don’t get smaller they get bigger, so if you think you have a problem with lust outside of marriage, you will be in for a rude awakening if you get married having not dealt with those problems.
I want to give you some of the most practical information I heard on how to handle the act of lust. I would strongly encourage you take NOTES! In a sermon, my pastor preached on the theology of our physical body. He talked about sex. He referenced a book he once read that gave three steps when confronted with a beautiful woman.
1. The first thing you do when you see an attractive woman is not to lie to yourself and try to say she is ugly. Begin to thank God for her.
2. Next, begin to pray for her protection because most guys are probably thinking thoughts that are dirty and disgusting. She is somebody’s daughter or mother.
3. And finally pray for your present spouse or future spouse. Ask God for specific attributes you want your spouse to have or to begin to develop.
Bret Ray, a marriage conference speaker said, “There is nothing wrong with looking at women. The problem comes when you stare.”
I tell you the quickest way to destroy your spouse’s or future spouse’s self esteem is to stare at other females in front of them Train yourself to bounce your eyes from the woman to the ceiling to the floor. Break the habit of bouncing from her face to her “you know where” to other parts. Watch this: “If you stare at females when she is not around, she will catch you staring when she is around.”
In summary, “a thriving sex life is the result of a thriving marital relationship, not the other way around. Sex can only serve God’s purposes in the sanctity of the marriage bed.
5 Tips On How to Have A Satisfying Sex Life!
1. Be responsible to your family. If you have any children. I want to challenge you to begin to work on bringing restoration to your family. Your kids need you more than you can imagine. With God all things are possible; He can make the impossible happen. For those who don’t have any children. Hide this truth in your heart because you will be a father one day. You are going to have to step up to the plate and be responsible. Begin a journey to learn about parenting from books and successful parents.
2. Be careful what you store in your mind. Jesus called those who lusted after women mentally, adulterers. You know what, He is right. We have no business placing other people’s wives or future wives in our minds, epically when they probably wouldn’t give you the time of day if they knew you. A marriage conference speaker gave a real good illustration about looking at women you think are attractive. He said, when you see an attractive woman, what you are looking at is an illusion. The reality is she has problems just like all other women and I tend to think the more attractive, the women the more problems, so don’t even waste you brain cells on anyone but your spouse or future spouse.
3. Begin to tear down any walls you might have built from past pornography problems. This is the best place to come clean. My best advice would be to tell someone who can help you. Find accountability. Accountability is telling necessary information before it is necessary. Yes, it is good to talk to the other students, but you want to confide in someone who is spiritually stronger then you, like a counselor or staff member. Do you think a wounded solider is going to ask another wounded soldier for medical treatment? Absolutely not. Find someone who is strong in their walk. Who can build you up and help you become the man of God, He is calling you to be to your spouse and future spouse.
4. Save your pleasure for your wife. Don’t’ waste it on yourself. When you masturbate and lust you are wasting pleasure that can be channeled to your wife or future wife. If you are not married, begin to pray for your future spouse. Every time you find yourself struggling with sexual temptations, channel all that unproductive energy to something productive and by the end of your prayer, you will probably forget why you began praying in the first place.
5. The goal is to give, not get. Men of God, serve their spouse like Jesus served the church. He gave, and gave and gave some more. He gave himself, sacrificed his happiness and his comfortability for the churches, as we are to do for our spouses and future spouses. Never look to get, but give and when you give you will find yourself getting. If your goal is to meet her needs, then you will get your needs met. Bishop Boon said, he never lets his wife out give him and out serve him. He said, his goal is to blow her mind outside of the marriage bed so that when they come together in the marriage bed, she blows his mind.
ALTAR CALL:
1. I want to those to come up who want to make a covenant with your eyes as Job did.
2. I want to ask those who are married and have not done what they were suppose to in their marriage to come up and let’s pray that God will give you a second chance with your families.
3. I want to ask those who are not married and want to, to come up and pray for direction for your life and future marriage.
(My wife and I do a Purpose-Driven Relationship Seminar for 20 to 20 somethings. Email us if are interested: jjbousa@gmail.com)
