May, 2007
How to Seldom Offend and Not be Offended
Matthew 18:15-20
INTRODUCTON: Many times there are things that come up within the Christian community that cause hard feelings among members, and these problems grow into mountains and cause divisions within the church and even church splits. How are conflicts resolved in order that people are not lost to the church and lost to Christ? Today’s scripture gives some instructions for handling problems when they come up.
John Wesley said that “our Lord’s three step rule for handling conflicts within the church “will seldom offend and will not be offended.” Many Christian communities have been taught that Christians don‘t get angry, don‘t fight about things, get along perfectly all the time and show up with a smile on their faces every Sunday. This niceness often masks many problems and conflicts just under the surface. People allow a build up to occur, and then they wonder, “Why did that person leave the church, why are these people so bitter and resentful, and why did this person quit going to church all together and vow never to come back again?”
Perhaps it occurs because conflicts are never dealt with and time doesn’t necessarily heal the things that are simmering just under the surface. Scripture points out how to bring about a greater honesty and genuineness creating a sincere place where we can be open and honest with one another, not having to hide behind the false security of a smile or constant niceness. We can be real people within the church and within the world. What kind of bond would we have with one another if we knew that we wouldn’t be condemned and rejected for our faults and sins?
In Matthew 18:1 Jesus’ disciples were arguing about who was the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. They were not perfect people even sitting at the feet of Jesus. Many times Christians feel they have to be perfect or always happy or nice because of fears of being rejected or put down. Jesus responded, “except you be converted and be as little children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven…whoso shall humble himself as a little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” In their disputes he cautioned them that “whosoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drown in the sea” (vs. 6). Jesus points out the seriousness of offending people, of causing disputes and conflicts with one another that would cause the Christian community to suffer irreparable harm. One old saint of God always said, “Learn to walk softly before the Lord.” Watch that you don’t deliberately run roughshod over other people or over the Lord.
In verse 15, Jesus then points to what they can do when a brother trespasses against them. In this verse He uses the word brother to mean anyone who is a part of the Christian community--a brother or a sister--a believer. A person, like yourself, who is a Christian yet who has sinned against you in some way. He doesn’t say what the problem is. It could be any kind of a dispute that has caused a wall to go up between you and someone else in the church.
Often you hear people say, “I won’t speak to that person or won’t associate with him or her. I won’t go to them first. They have to apologize to me first.”
Christians can work themselves up into a real huff over a molehill and soon it becomes a mountain. Some problems, however, are mountains to start with. What if this happens to you and angry words and accusations begin flying in all directions? What if you feel you have been offended and sinned against and treated wrongly? What can we learn from Jesus’ words in this scripture? How does it apply to us today as well?
1. Go to Your Brother or Sister: Jesus said, “If your brother or sister sins against you, don’t stand back and wait for that person to come to you first and apologize or say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” He says if you see that a conflict has occurred and someone has sinned against you, it is up to you to make the first move. You see the problem. Maybe the other person is not even aware of it at that point. Jesus told them to go to the person and point out what has happened just between the two of you.
The goal here is to see the problem resolved and the friendship restored, not to cause an angry confrontation. Many times Christians will go but with an air of superiority. “I’m right and you are wrong, and I’m confronting you.”
Jesus told them earlier that they are not to do things that would offend someone or cause them to stumble and fall. In Luke 17:3 Jesus says, “if thy brother trespasses against thee rebuke him.” This word sounds somewhat harsh as well as confronting a person harshly and arrogantly. Galatians 6:1 says, “you who are spiritual should restore him (the person who has trespassed) gently.
Story: A preacher went to visit his parishioner who was sick in bed. He said, “Brother, rebuke the devil!”
The man replied, “I’m in no shape to antagonize anybody!!”
Why this first step doesn’t work at times and only makes matters worse is the attitude that the person goes to the other person with--the anger of the moment, the hurt involved, the feeling of superiority, the finger pointing, not being able to go and talk it over in a quiet and reasonable manner. The rebuke is too harsh. It antagonizes people. Proverbs 25:8-9 says, “Do not go forth hastily to strive…debate thy cause with they neighbor himself and discover not a secret to another.” He is saying, “Argue calmly and don’t tell the entire neighborhood.”
Going to a person on an equal basis--a Christian brother or sister. You are to point it out but not in a condemning way--not to antagonize the person. Going in the proper attitude is followed up by taking it up with the person who is involved in the sin--not other people. What we often do is tell everybody, “Do you know what happened to me? Can you believe it, this person did this…we’ve got to tell our entire story to everyone. We’ve got to surround ourselves with others who will give us support and sympathy and loyalty. The person who has sinned against us probably will get wind of it--the problem escalates. The molehill grows bigger. Resentment builds up.
In verse 15 Jesus is saying two things. I want you to:
1. Take the first step to resolve this and go point it out calmly and sensibly.
2. Don’t discuss it with people who are not involved--just between the two of you.
Jesus did not say that it would be resolved. It might but it might not be. He is saying, “if he will listen to you, you have gained a brother or sister.”
James 5:20 says, “my brothers if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his ways will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”
Writer Stanley Hauerwas in his book Resident Aliens, speaks of a community of Christians who can risk this kind of openness and honesty among believers that the church doesn’t crumble under having sins pointed out. Rather pointing them out is the first step of real Christian love because it brings about the convicting of sin and leads to repentance. Pointing it out is not in vain but is for the purpose of correcting the problem and restoring the friendship. If the person will listen, Jesus says to forgive. How often do we say, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget.”
Peter was concerned about how many times we should forgive. It was the rabbi who taught forgive three times and not more. Peter said, “Should we be generous and forgive seven times?” Jesus answered 70 x 7--meaning as often as is necessary and don’t worry about keeping a record of it. Forgive those who are truly repentant and don’t keep track of it. We are reminded that “forgiveness is not some supernatural ability that only God can give. It is not the product of great faith but of simple obedience.”
2. Take One or Two Others Along: If step one doesn’t work and the person will not listen to reason, don’t give up. Go on to the next step. Jesus said to take one or two others along to reason with him and also who will serve as witnesses. Several scriptures point to the importance of taking one or two others along.
Deut. 17:6
Deut. 19:15
John 8:17 says that, “It is also written in your law that the testimony of two men is true.”
II Corinthians 12:1 says that “in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.” It is felt by some that if the witnesses are people who are more regarded by the trespasses that they could be a favorable influence to help him see his fault. Perhaps the choice of the people to take along would either make the meeting a success or a failure.
John Wesley said, “Take one or two along whom he esteems who can confirm and enforce what you are saying.” In this meeting the facts can be established. Reconciliation is still the purpose of the meeting. It should not look like three people are intimidating him or making him look bad. Matthew Henry says, “Talk to him in a gentle manner, not with contempt or anger.” It is for the purpose of gaining him back, not humiliating him.
3. Tell it to the Church: If he still will not listen, it is time for step three. What, exactly, does telling it to the church mean? Does that mean bring it before the entire congregation? Most commentaries do not suggest this, but rather to bring it before the church officials--those who are most capable of determining such matters--ministers, elders, deacons, governing board, etc.
Questions to ask are:
1. What kind of community is the church--Will the church community devour him or be able to deal with the situation in a way that will lead to restoration? Hauerwas asks, “What kind of community would we need to be to enable this sort of church (a church of truthful commonality) to exist?
2. Are you remembering to deal with him as a brother and not as an enemy? The community must be able not only to admonish him as a brother but restore him when the problem is resolved.
Jesus did not say that this step would bring the person to repentance; but if it does, it would be worth the effort.
4. Let Him Be to Thee as a Heretic: If he still won’t listen after telling it to the church and persists in doing wrong, scripture says to let him be to thee as a heretic. Titus 3:10, 11 says, “a man that is an heretic after the first and second admonitions, reject. Knowing that he that is such is subverted and sinneth being condemned of himself.”
Romans 16: goes on to say, “mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned and avoid them.”
II Thess. 3:6 “that you withdraw from every brother that walketh disorderly and not after the traditions which he received of us.”
Verses 14, 15, “and if any man obey not our word by this epistle, not that man and have no company with him that he may be ashamed. Yet count him not as an enemy but admonish him as a brother.”
This may sound harsh but scripturally it is the duty of the Christian community to exercise discipline in a spiritual way. Extricate yourself from the person. You are under no obligation to think of him any more. Leave it to the Lord to deal with this person. Offer courtesy but not friendship. He has forfeited his friendship. The church has been given its rightful authority to deal with such problems as seen in verses 18-20. By taking these steps, the power of church discipline is not in the hands of one person.
Prayer must go along with church discipline. Pass no sentence that you can’t ask God to confirm.
The church has been given an explusive power to make sure there is purity in the church.
Matthew 16:19 speaks of the power of binding and loosing. To bind means to cast out from the community of believers until the problem is taken care of. To loose gives the community the authority to re-admit the person back into the church. II Corinthians 2:10 says, “To whom ye forgive, I forgive also.”
The sentence--bind on earth--bound in heaven
Loose on earth--loose in heaven means that the church has been given the power to bring a sentence and discipline to those who will not repent. Heaven will agree with the decision. It is done. But the church also has the power to receive back into fellowship and heaven agrees with that decision too.
Verse 20 speaks of the power that is available to the church community through agreement in prayer. If any two or three agree about anything--it will be done for you by the Father in heaven. He is glad to do it. Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, “I am with you always.” The person can be absolved from the sentence through the power of joint prayer by the Christian community.
CONCLUSION: We can’t skip around and pick and choose which steps to take and which to omit. If we followed these steps carefully and prayerfully, I doubt if there would be many cases which people would have to be excommunicated from the church. So my question today is, how do you handle conflicts with your brothers and sisters in Christ?
Confront them?
Talk about them?
Hold a grudge?
Ignore it and hope it goes away?
Forgive but not forget?
This week, let us ask the Lord to help us deal with conflicts as Jesus would teach us that we would not drive people away but reconcile them to the community of faith. Can we do that? I think we can.
Shall we pray:
Lord, help us to walk softly before You and others
that we do not offend and sin against our brothers and sisters.
Help us to be a genuine and open community with one another.
Help us to seldom offend and seldom be offended but
strive to work out conflicts according to your plan.
In Your Name we pray. Amen.
