How to Treat One who has Wronged You
Philemon
Over the next four weeks we will be taking a look at how to treat what we often ignore. These messages will come from four of the smallest books in the Bible, all one-chapter books. Today we’re going to walk through the book of Philemon and then next week 2nd John, then 3rd John the week after that and then the week prior to Mother’s day we’ll conclude our series with the book of Jude. So if you want to do some preparation each week you can use these one chapter books in the New Testament for your devotional time each day.
Philemon is simply a brief account of a run away servant called Onesimus and his owner Philemon. The letter is written by the Apostle Paul and he intervenes trying to reconcile the relationship of the former owner with the runaway.
For many of you, reconciliation is painful. You start to get a picture in your head of something that you do not want to do, but you are afraid that God is going to make you do it. It might be making amends with a former spouse as you learn to treat them respectfully. Or it might bring to mind the picture of restoring a relationship with someone who treated you unfairly.
Thinking of those things, and how it might scare you, made us talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness in our preparation this week. You are always required to forgive, it is not optional. If you have been wronged you must forgive. “Forgive us as we forgive others.” The same measure I use to forgive, God you use that measure to forgive me. That’s kind of uncomfortable isn’t it?
Forgiveness also doesn’t take any action at all by the other person. Even if they stick their nose in the air and blow you off, you are still required to forgive. You forgive regardless of what they do. Even if they never ask for forgiveness we forgive…we do not hold their actions against them any longer…that is the basis of forgiveness.
But reconciliation isn’t that way. For instance, if someone has molested a child, you are required to forgive them, but you are not required to let them baby-sit your children.
Or if someone has stolen money from your company, you are required to forgive them, but you are not required to put them back into their position of treasurer, or let them handle the cash and deposits.
Forgiveness or reconciliation does not give open doors to those who have wronged you…it does not release them from the consequences of their actions.
If Philemon was a letter about forgiveness, it would be easy. We could just mention possible situations when you have been wronged and tell you to forgive. Philemon you forgive Onesimus…it doesn’t matter if he returns to you or not, you forgive him. But restoration doesn’t work that way. How do we know when restoration is necessary and how far are we to go in this reconciliation process? Let’s see if Paul’s letter to Philemon will help us sort that out.
Philemon was a man of some means. The Christians at Colossae, or at least some of them, met in Philemon’s house. Onesimus would have been there as a slave. We don’t know how long Philemon had employed the services of Onesimus or even what the status of their relationship was like prior to this letter, but at some point in time Onesimus decides he can’t take any more. Prior to this letter being written Onesimus sees an opportunity to run from his master.
So I think it is safe to say that there are some problems and probably some hard feelings in this relationship.
To put it in today’s terms, Onesimus quit work, but he didn’t call in or give a notice. He just didn’t show up. So not only was Philemon put out, but also others that had to take up the slack of whatever Onesimus was doing were put out too.
But if you think about it, running is nothing new. It started with Adam and Eve, “I was ashamed and so I hid.” They had just become slaves to sin.
Or how about Elijah – “I am the only one left and so I ran.” He became a slave to fear.
Or how about Jonah - “I knew the people would repent and you would have mercy on them, so I ran.” He became a slave to jealousy.
Peter, in a sense, ran away from his identity, “I do not know the man.”
Onesimus found himself in good company with many of the Bible’s key figures. The only problem, his story is very short. He wronged his master and ran away.
Onesimus’ name means, “profitable.” How ironic, because through sin, he became the opposite. Through sin he was worthless, a worker who cost his boss money. Who could trust him? Who would take him in? Who would give him a second chance for this “un profitable” worker.
Before Paul was thrown into prison he was under house arrest and it was there that he encounters Onesimus, who is now on the run. How their paths crossed we don’t know. It’s certainly worth speculating that while employed by Philemon, Onesimus would hear his master and others speak of the apostle. We know that Philemon and Paul were more than acquaintances as they shared an experience that goes beyond words as Paul had the privilege of leading Philemon into the kingdom of God. Paul was Philemon’s spiritual father, so how many times one can wonder did Onesimus hear of this great man of God during the church services in Philemon’s home? Though not a believer himself, could it be that Onesimus would view Paul as a potential resource for food and lodging? Maybe as someone just to talk with?
Or … maybe someone directed him to Paul.
Paul meets this unbelieving runaway slave, and Paul has the privilege of leading this one to become a Christian. Onesimus is now a changed man. He’s a new creature with a new Master. Changes take place in his life. We know that he kind of hits it off with the apostle, and even though he’s now looking at life through the eyes of someone who has eternal life, he nonetheless is still a runaway slave.
Often new Christians think that their conversion will erase their past. Yes we are now seen as spotless lambs, but this side of heaven, actions will still have to be accounted for, consequences paid, and sentences to be served.
And the apostle realizes this. So a letter is written and Onesimus is to return to his master, letter in hand. It’s Onesimus’ hope that Paul’s letter will serve as a credential that will reduce the consequences. Paul tells Philemon that he would like for Onesimus to remain in Rome with him, but he knows that reconciliation must occur between this new believer and his master before any address change will occur. The apostle also recognizes that Onesimus is facing serious charges upon his return as a runaway slave. His crime is punishable by death, and even if he were to keep his life, his reputation with Philemon and the townspeople would be damaged. If any chance for reconciliation were to take place, Onesimus would need some outside assistance. And Paul is going to provide that for him by way of his letter.
So a lot was riding on this letter! This short letter gives us two reasons of why reconciliation should take place between these two.
Reason #1 – It’s the right thing to do Philemon 1:4-7.
Paul writes:
I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, [5] because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. [6] I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. [7] Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.
Paul clearly states the character of Philemon. He is a man of great love and deep faith.
Paul is pointing out that Philemon has the two main ingredients for reconciliation, faith in what Jesus teaches and love for others. Since he has both of these, reconciliation should be easy, shouldn’t it? Paul knows better!
In our world relationships need mending too and reconciliation is at best awkward and uncomfortable. And even if we know the right spiritual sounding clichés to use and have faith that can move problems and even if we have love for others and desire for grace to be spread among the church……to be reconnected with someone who has wronged you is painful, isn’t it? Even if we are certain that it is the right thing to do, it is not often the thing we want to do!
Imagine Philemon sitting in his home talking with his friends about the love of God and the grace of Jesus Christ and that what we need more of in the church is more grace….and in walks Onesimus.
Or picture Onesimus sitting in on one of Paul’s Bible studies on the how we are to love one another and whatever we do work at it as if we love the Lord and that it is the Lord we’re working for….and then the Old Sage Apostle looks at Onesimus who’s been smiling and saying “Amen” through the whole study because he agrees and the Old Sage says, “And that means we need to show our love for the Lord by loving out earthly Masters and working for them as if they are the Lord.”
Hasn’t the church become so inauthentic over the years here in our culture. We too speak of grace and the love of God and “winning people to Jesus” but then we can’t even get along and we refuse to humble ourselves and serve others as if it were the Lord Jesus Christ we were serving. See with Philemon and Onesimus, love becomes more than a religious cliché doesn’t it? Grace is now something to be extended. We’re good at talking about it but when you have to practice it ... your feelings and my feelings get in the way don’t they?
Give grace to that woman who lied about me?
Forgive the one who stole my opportunity to move up the ladder because they manipulated me? Why are we so Christian when it feels right but when it comes to personal issues where we have been hurt we find ways to justify our actions?
Philemon and Onesimus had to prove their faith…and it wasn’t by singing louder or giving more or serving the unlovely…the proof of their faith was going to be the grace Philemon offers Onesimus and the hard work Onesimus humbly gives to Philemon.
But Onesimus represented something else that was important, or should be important to Philemon. Paul said, “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.” If Philemon is active in sharing his faith, he would be thrilled that Onesimus had come to know our Lord.
We have all heard of young people who wanted to get married to the woman of their dreams and they converted to her faith in order to have her family’s approval, but never shows up to practice his faith. But the conversion of Onesimus to the family of God was genuine and the proof was his willingness to return to his Master humbly and accept the consequences.
The Onesimus that ran away is not the same Onesimus that is coming back.
This event is going to take a lot of love on Philemon’s part, and Paul knows he has it in him because Paul had been a beneficiary of Philemon’s love. We see this in verse 7 as Paul claims that he personally has come to have much joy and comfort in Philemon’s love.
Paul is going to stretch Philemon by asking him to go through the process of reconciliation with one of his runaway slaves. But before Paul makes the request, he wants Philemon to remember who he is, and what his life has become, and how the community now sees this man, one of faith and love. Paul knows that reconciliation, even for a maturing Christian, is a tough pill to swallow. So if you have trouble with this subject, that wouldn’t be a surprise to Paul.
That’s why I have come to believe that the deepest trait of a mature Christian that rings true in all they must do as one who represents Christ, is humility. Philemon, the owner, the Master, would have to humble himself and overlook his right of carrying out a sentence against Onesimus. What is true of Philemon is also true of us. It takes humility for us to overlook offenses. To practice real love and true grace.
Reconciliation is the right thing to do. And if I’m not mistaken in a church this size there are probably some relationships that need to be reconciled. A division might not have occurred because of a fight, but like Onesimus you have run away because you have been hurt.
It might be you quit a ministry because you just got hurt….or maybe you ran from a team because you couldn’t get your way but weren’t humble enough to admit to yourself. And for some, physical reconciliation needs to occur just like Onesimus and Philemon…but for others, in your own mind …you need to humble yourself, swallow that pride that is keeping you from getting involved again and be reconciled to the bride of Christ so that his church might become productive.
Don’t even think about saying, “well you don’t know what they said to me?” Or “you don’t know how hard I worked and then they changed everything I had done.” Welcome to the world….tell the train conductors who lost their jobs to pilots…it’s part of life…changes happen….that’s our pride talking, not our humility.
Reconciliation is a hard pill to swallow but if you wash it down with humility….it goes down a little easier.
So why should Philemon reconcile with Onesimus? Because It’s the Right Thing to Do.
Philemon 1:8-15
Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, [9] yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul--an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus-- [10] I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. [11] Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful (Onesimus – remember the word means profitable, so he is Onesimus, useful) both to you and to me. [12] I am sending him--who is my very heart--back to you. [13] I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. [14] But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced.
Paul tells Philemon, “Based on my authority as an apostle I could order you to reconcile and forgive, and you would see that I was right, but because of the love I know you have in you, I know you’ll do the right thing.”
Compare in your mind two homes. One home has a man who lives there who is critical of everything. He complains about how his wife dresses. Nothing is ever right at work. The world is against him. He is demanding and everything runs like clock work but not because they care about the man, but they do everything they can to avoid criticism and his condemnation.
But the other home has a man who is loving. When the wife is home late from work he has supper started instead of complaining about where’s his supper.
He’s complimentary about what she wears and is genuinely concerned about his children and is encouraging.
Which home is pleasant? In which home do the members enjoy spending time? And Paul tells Philemon, “don’t make me force you…you find it within you to love Onesimus so your home will be a place where servants and family and friends are welcome.”
Paul tells Philemon that by the law of love accept Onesimus and greet him with open arms.
Not only is reconciliation the right thing to do, but
Argument #2 – Philemon will benefit from the reconciliation - Philemon 1:15-22.
Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good-- [16] no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. [17] So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. [18] If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. [19] I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back--not to mention that you owe me your very self. [20] I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. [21] Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask. [22] And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers.
Onesimus is returning to Philemon a changed man with a new heart. To have an employee who knows Jesus, who will work with integrity and honesty, who will work hard and yet have grace towards his fellow co-workers. If Philemon accepts Onesimus he will receive a partner in the faith, a humble servant who, as Paul says, will be his slave for life. If Philemon will humbly accept Onesimus, his leadership stock in the church at Colossae will quadruple. And if Philemon receives Onesimus, Paul will be pleased.
Wouldn’t it be great for Philemon to be able to call Onesimus aside at any time and pray with each other, discuss the things of God. To have someone else on the team, fighting the good fight with you. Paul is encouraging reconciliation so that they can get on with carrying out the Great Commission not as one, but now as two.
I have become a pretty good friend with a guy who is a preacher in Kansas City. He is involved in a lot of the same things that I am.
When I was going through a tough time about a year and a half ago, it was great to have him pray with me and for me. And recently, I had the privilege of returning the favor.
I love being involved with people who share a love for the word of God. Just this week I had someone come in and ask me questions about the Bible. I love talking about that and I was even able to answer one or two of the questions!
I sometimes hear some of you talk about praying with a co-worker, or even having a Bible study. That is incredible to be able to do that with someone that works with you! I hope that you realize what a privilege that is! And if you are not doing that, maybe you should.
Philemon will now have that same chance with Onesimus. To pull him aside from time to time and to share with him what the Lord is doing in his life.
And when we are reconciled to a friend or a family member, our stress goes down and our peace meter goes up….bitterness begins to be chiseled away from our hearts as we pursue reconciliation. When we’re reconciled to a ministry in the church from which we have ran our attitude about the church becomes positive, our effectiveness as a Christian produces results.
Reconciliation is good.
But Paul has the confidence to expect even more than the minimal from Philemon. Verse 21 says,
Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.
So often Christians look for the minimum that we can do for the Lord. We want to know where the line is… Can I still be a Christian and yet be irritated at someone all the time? Can I walk with Christ, sing his songs, and carry a grudge? Can I meet for Bible Study and prayer and yet remain separated from God’s people?
But Philemon wasn’t one to look for the least he could do to get by. Paul knew Philemon as someone who went beyond what was expected. Philemon hosted a church in his house, a dangerous thing to do. Philemon loved the people of God and always went the extra mile for them. In offering his home, he was risking invasion by the unruly crowds, and condemnation from the Roman government opposed to this new found religion.
But Philemon was an “extra mile” type of person ... and God is that way too.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
Can we be extra mile Christians? Philemon didn’t have to do what Paul was asking him to do, but he went the extra mile and did it.
We have got to get beyond hurt feelings and disgruntled attitudes. Jesus told His disciples, they aren’t going to recognize you for your good looks. They won’t notice you for the huge building you will build for worship, or the amazing miracles you will perform. Jesus didn’t say they are going to know you are mine if you pray five times a day and fast twice a week. Jesus didn’t say they will know you are my disciples because of your poverty and willingness to stay poor for my sake. He didn’t say they’ll know by the songs you sing and the music you choose or the clothes you wear, and the bumper stickers you put on your car. He didn’t say they’ll know you’re his because of the clichés you use or the culture you adopt. They will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
How will they know? If you love one another. But I have got to tell you that I have seen people who don’t know Christ love one another. So what does he mean? It’s when we love those who are hard to love, that’s commendable. It’s loving those who have offended us or hurt us…that’s a love the world will not understand. It is when you love people that you have reason not to love. It is when you go the extra mile to help someone that you really don’t want to help.
The Bible commands us, Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
This idea of loving one another from Jesus and accepting one another from Paul, is not talking about those who are easy to love. You don’t need Christ to do that. It is accepting those who seem unacceptable. It is loving those who you think are impossible to love. It’s loving those in your world who don’t deserve your love because of what they have done to you.
Can you accept as a Christian that person who hurt you? I am not saying you have to put them in a position to hurt you again, although that might be needed. But what I am saying is can you even accept the fact that they are a Christian? Can you go to the same church? Be in the same class or small group?
Paul is not asking you to marry them, or adopt them, or even to sit by them. But can you speak to them? Can you acknowledge that they exist and they have some benefit to the cause of Christ? He’s not saying, “be best friends,” just recognize them.
Philemon was being asked to accept someone who had done a terrible thing to him and to accept them with love.
And Jesus is asking you to accept those who hurt you, to love those who are have become your enemies and to reach out to those who have cut you deeply.
This thing we call Christianity is painful…and in America we have decided that Christianity is about our pleasure and about our comfort…but Christianity is difficult. You are asked to love those who have hurt you. You’re asked to respect those who treated you with disrespect. It doesn’t matter how severe the pain….
Were you molested…treat respectfully those who hurt you so deeply….it doesn’t mean you spend time with them…but it does mean you let it go.
Did your co-worker use you to get promoted? Has the ex manipulated your children against you? Don’t play their games…be respectful…work towards reconciliation, live as one who understands forgiveness because of what you have been forgiven of?
I think that’s the key. I think that’s what helped Philemon…Paul directed him to think about his own faith. And that’s what we should do when we’ve separated ourselves from others and distanced ourselves from ministry in the church because of hurt and pain…we should pause and think about all that Christ has done for us.
Have you lusted? Christ forgave you and brought you to God even though you sinned.
Have you lied? In Christ you have been reconciled to the Father even while we were sinners.
Have you ever cheated, treated your parents with disrespect, placed your own selfish desires about someone else? In Christ, though we were the guilty ones, we found forgiveness and a path back to a Holy Heavenly Father from whom we had been entirely separated, never to be returned. Like a run away slave, we ran from the best Master we ever had with no hope of going home until one day, Jesus said, “let me be your brother…and I’ll take you home.
Maybe today, it’s time to come home…and be reconciled to your heavenly Father through Jesus Christ our Lord.
