Relational Health: Getting Along With People
By Shannon Lewis Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Living Springs Assembly of God
Bandera, Texas
www.lsagbandera.com
Philippians 2: 1-5
1So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy,2complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,…
Hebrews 10:24
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works…
Tonight we begin a 2 part series. I want to speak with you on a subject that affects us all in many different ways, Relationships.
We all have them and not all of them are good. Some of our relationships are strained at best because of certain problems that have caused hurt, pain and anger.
Tonight I hope to show us all a better way to dealing with our relationships. Don’t think that our relationships with others aren’t important. You’d be sorely mistaken if you did.
We can live only in relationships. We need each other. A rather crude and cruel experiment was carried out by Emperor Frederick, who ruled the Roman Empire in the thirteenth century. He wanted to know what man’s original language was: Hebrew, Greek, or Latin? He decided to isolate a few infants from the sound of the human voice. He reasoned that they would eventually speak the natural tongue of man. Wet nurses who were sworn to absolute silence were obtained, and though it was difficult for them, they would abide by the rule. The infants never heard a word -- not a sound from a human voice. Within several months they were all dead.
Like it or not, we need one another!
Single men are jailed more often, earn less, have more illnesses and die at a younger age than married men. Married men with cancer live 20% longer than single men with the same cancer.
Women, who often have more close friendships than men, survive longer with the same cancers. Married or not, relationships keep us alive.
The Carnegie Technological Institute has stated that 90% of all people who fail in their life’s vocation fail because they cannot get along with people.
Our relationships, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy play a vital role in our lives. It’s best to work on creating healthy relationships with other people in order to maintain our own health.
Healthy relationships yield wonderful benefits. Conversely, unhealthy relationships yield terrible results.
I want to focus on 7 things that can help us create and nurture healthy relationships in our lives.
Verse 3 in our text speaks volumes toward creating and nurturing healthy relationships. Listen to what Paul says again, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
So part of enjoying healthy relationships mean that we don’t live as if all the benefits of that relationship belong to us. Instead, we seek to consider others above ourselves. This attitude frees us from the attitude of self-centeredness. I would dare say that most poor relationships are poor because this key ingredient is missing. Humility is not evident and as a result we are unwilling to place others over ourselves.
The 7 things that we’re going to look at in this 2 weeks series on Relationships are:
• The 6 most important words
• The 5 most important words
• The 4 most important words
• The 3 most important words
• The 2 most important words
• The 1 most important word
• The LEAST important word
Tonight we’ll consider the first 3 sets of most important words.
The 6 most important words are:
“I admit I made a mistake.”
If your relationships are going to be healthy ones, you must be able to speak from the heart the 6 most important words, “I admit I made a mistake.”
Many of our relational problems are because we’re unwilling to speak these all important words. We blame the other party when things go south. “It’s your fault it didn’t work!” those six words are the most dangerous words! When we say things like that, we’re not accepting our responsibility but placing it squarely on the shoulders of the other party! This is not only wrong, it’s not fair. We all know it takes at least 2 to have a relationship and if it falls apart there are still 2 people to consider when finding the solution to the problem.
To say I admit I made a mistake goes much further and allows many more doors to open for progress than does “It’s your fault it didn’t work”.
Words like this only raises the defenses of the other person. It’s a natural defense mechanism. When someone tells you you’re the problem, the walls of defense come up!
It’s an invasive approach that will never find a real means of healing. There must be responsibility and accountability with every person if healing is going to take place.
If you’re in a situation such as this, go to that person and say, “I admit I made a mistake”. You know what will happen? Most likely, that person will appreciate your willingness to show humility and demonstrate humility themselves. Healing can then take place because both parties are willing to accept their part of the mistake.
The FIVE most important words are:
"You did a good job."
Regardless of age, race, social status, economic status or educational level, people want to be affirmed! What’s more, people need to be affirmed. They need to have that positive assertion in their lives that their work or efforts is a valuable contribution to the overall work or effort.
Positive affirmation can make the difference in lives.
The five most important words, “You did a good job” is a great way to assert positive influence in our relationships with our children too.
Mary had grown up knowing that she was different from the other kids, and she hated it. She was born with a cleft palate and had to bear the jokes and stares of cruel children who teased her non-stop about her misshaped lip, crooked nose, and garbled speech.
With all the teasing, Mary grew up hating the fact that she was "different". She was convinced that no one, outside her family, could ever love her ... until she entered Mrs. Leonard’s class. Mrs. Leonard had a warm smile, a round face, and shiny brown hair. While everyone in her class liked her, Mary came to love Mrs. Leonard.
In the 1950’s, it was common for teachers to give their children an annual hearing test. However, in Mary’s case, in addition to her cleft palate, she was barely able to hear out of one ear. Determined not to let the other children have another "difference" to point out, she would cheat on the test each year. The "whisper test" was given by having a child walk to the classroom door, turn sideways, close one ear with a finger, and then repeat something which the teacher whispered. Mary turned her bad ear towards her teacher and pretended to cover her good ear. She knew that teachers would often say things like, "The sky is blue," or "What color are your shoes?" But not on that day. Surely, God put seven words in Mrs. Leonard’s mouth that changed Mary’s life forever. When the "Whisper test" came, Mary heard the words: "I wish you were my little girl."
Parents, I wish there was some way that I could communicate to you the incredible blessing which affirming words impart to children. I wish, too, that you could sit in my office, when I counsel, and hear the terrible damage that individuals received from not hearing affirming words -- particularly affirming words from their parents. While words from a godly teacher can melt a heart, words from parents can powerfully set the course of a life.
If affirming words were something rarely spoken in your home growing up, let me give you some tips on words and phrases that can brighten your own child’s eyes and life regardless of their age today.
These words are easy to say to any child who comes into your life. I’m proud of you, Way to go, Bingo ... you did it, Magnificent, I knew you could do it, What a good helper, You’re very special to me, I trust you, What a treasure, Hurray for you, Beautiful work, You’re a real trooper, Well done, That’s so creative, You make my day, You’re a joy, Give me a big hug, You’re such a good listener, You figured it out, I love you, You’re so responsible, You remembered, You’re the best, You sure tried hard, I’ve got to hand it to you, I couldn’t be prouder of you, You light up my day, I’m praying for you, You’re wonderful, I’m behind you, You’re so kind to your (brother/sister), You’re God’s special gift, I’m here for you.
John Trent, Ph.D., Vice President of Today’s Family, Men of Action, Winter 1993, p. 5.
Arguably, one of the most important relationships on this planet is the ones you have with your children. Children need their parents to affirm them and to do it often.
Yesterday was Chase’s first T-Ball game. He was so excited but I don’t think he was as excited as me. I had my team shirt on, camera in hand and I was ready for my little buddy’s first game.
The Red Stixx took the field first and Chase was short stop. He did so well. He had his game face on and he was ready if the ball was hit in his direction. When it was their time at bat, who was the first batter in the line-up? My boy! My little chase was the lead off batter! I couldn’t have been prouder. He stepped up to that T and on his first swing he sent the ball soaring. He worked himself all the way around the bases until he finally reached home plate for the first score of the game! Now, in T-ball they don’t actually keep score but Daddy knew he was the first runner to score for his team! After the inning was over, his team took the field again but this time Chase was on the pitcher’s mound! Three balls were hit toward him and he fielded the ball and made the play at first base with a perfect throw to get the outs! I was beaming with pride! When he made his way into the dugout, I went over there and I told him how proud I was of him and how incredibly good he was doing. He didn’t say a word; he just looked at me and gave me his little smile. After the game he said, “Daddy, I do good at T-ball!” I said, “Son, you sure do. You really played well and Daddy is very proud of you.”
Gracie is the same way, she’s been playing third base for 4 years now and she has moved up in little league baseball to coach pitch for the last two years. Her first game was incredible. I don’t recall one ball getting past her down the third base line. Most of the time, she was able to get the ball across the field to first base for an out! As with Chase, I told her how incredibly proud I am of her.
I love watching my children do well at whatever it is they are doing. What’s more, I love telling them they’re doing well!
Whether your children are 5 and 7 like mine or 25 and 27, it matters not a healthy relationship can happen with positive affirmation!
The FIVE most important words are:
"You did a good job."
Those five words fit well into ANY relationship. Use them and use them often.
The FOUR most important words are:
“What do you think?”
When it comes to relationships, everyone wants to know that what they think is important and that it matters. Aren’t we the same way? If I’m in a relationship with you, business, ministry, friendship or otherwise, I want to know that what I think matters and is valuable to you.
The Temple Tax
24When they came to Capernaum, the collectors of the half-shekel tax went up to Peter and said, “Does your teacher not pay the tax?”25He said, “Yes.” And when he came into the house, Jesus spoke to him first, saying, “What do you think, Simon? From whom do kings of the earth take toll or tax? From their sons or from others?”26And when he said, “From others,” Jesus said to him, “Then the sons are free.27However, not to give offense to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for me and for yourself.”
It’s been said that Jesus and Peter had a unique relationship and I would agree. Peter always seemed to be at the center of whatever discussion was being made and always expressed an opinion whether it was right or not. Not overlooking the spiritual lesson behind what Jesus is asking Peter to do but I want to simply point out the obvious in this text.
Jesus, not willing to stifle the opinions of his disciples asks Peter the question. “What do you think, Simon”? I think we have to consider for whose benefit this question was asked. Did Jesus really not know the answer and needed Peter to bring wisdom to him? Or, was Jesus engaging Peter in something that Peter may have been struggling with?
This may be far fetched here but given the track record of Peter and authority, he hasn’t always given the best performance. Even look at his response to the question asked him here, “Does your teacher not pay the tax?”25He said, “Yes”.
Very point blank response from Peter, “yes”. I don’t know about you, but I detect a bit of hostility in Peter’s response. Peter would have likely said, “Jesus, I wouldn’t pay their stinking tax”!
But Jesus, knowing Peter’s tendencies toward quick actions with little thought engaged him in a question. I think it’s funny but look at what happened. The Bible says, “And when he came into the house, Jesus spoke to him first, saying, “What do you think, Simon?” I think Jesus knew that the question asked of Peter by the tax collectors rubbed him the wrong way and when Peter got out of their hearing he would immediately go off on a rant….but Jesus spoke first. By speaking first, Jesus was able to redirect Peter’s anger by asking his opinion of the matter.
The benefit of the question was to Peter, not Jesus. It helped Peter to become part of the solution not the problem. Sometimes we need to use the 4 most important words of “What do you think?” to help others see themselves as the solution and not the problem.
In your relationships, when you ask, what do you think, you’re inviting others to speak from their heart as to what they think about the subject and you’re placing importance upon them as it relates to the solution!
Why do I think Jesus was diverting Peter from problem to solution? Because of what Jesus says next, “27However, not to give offense to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for me and for yourself.”
Jesus was saying, Peter, I agree with your opinion but let’s not stir up trouble over this, it isn’t worth it. Go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, open it’s mouth and you’ll find what they are looking for. Go and pay our temple tax with it!
Essentially what Jesus was able to do by inviting Peter into this question was diverting a problem.
We can do the same. Ask the opinions of others to the extent they matter and their thoughts are valuable and contribute to the overall value of things.
So tonight we’ve looked at the:
The SIX most important words:
"I admit I made a mistake."
The FIVE most important words:
"You did a good job."
And
The FOUR most important words:
"What do you think?"
Write these down and be sure to utilize them in your relationships! I think you’ll be glad you did!
Next week we’re going to finish up by looking at:
The THREE most important words:
"After you please."
The TWO most important words:
"Thank you."
The ONE most important word:
"We"
And
The LEAST important word:
"I"
God Bless You!
