Jesse is the envy of all the young men in his senior class; he is tall, handsome and naturally gets good grades. He lettered in three varsity sports and still seems to have time to be the president of his church youth group and help out at the local nursing home. He sings first tenor in the a cappella choir and the saxophone comes so naturally to him that he won first place in the school talent show. His deep commitment to Christ pleases his parents and his pastor and all dream of a bright future for his life. As his senior year of high school ends, he is nominated and recommended for almost every end-of-the-year school award as well as several athletic and academic scholarships.
You probably are asking, “Where is this kid so I can introduce him to my daughter or find out from his parents what they did?” Sorry -- he doesn’t exist. He is a figment of my sermon-writing imagination. But, there is not a parent in the world who has not dreamed of similar hopes for their son or daughter. Many dreams go well beyond high school days and include the podium of an Olympic event, the platform of the presidency, the pedestal of some fortune 500 company or even the pulpit of a leading church or ministry in America.
Keep dreaming. Extend your faith for your child. Announce a prophetic future that is worthy of our best efforts. Daily, parents are rocking their kids to sleep praying, wondering and dreaming of what they will become. We know that, in reality, these Jesse’s are few and far between, if they even exist at all. Most parents end up settling for far less then what they had hoped for. In his book, Hide and Seek, author James Dobson provides an honest assessment of what all too often happens with our kids:
The vast majority of our children are not dazzlingly brilliant, extremely witty, highly coordinated, tremendously talented, or universally popular! They are just plain kids with oversized needs to be loved and accepted as they are. (1)
I can’t think of any endeavor in life that receives more advice than parenting. Everyone seems to be an expert. Yet one item still puzzles me. We were deep into parenting with four kids, all of them pre-teens. While our kids were still pre-adolescents, grim-faced parents would almost always smile at us and say, “enjoy it while you can, it won’t last – not for long.” As if announcing the coming of some great natural disaster, each naysayer would -- in all seriousness -- shake their head, caution us of impending doom and then tell us their war stories. It was as if they had survived some horrible global disaster. I guess they felt it was their mission to caution us of the difficult days ahead. What were those difficult and disastrous days? ADOLESCENCE!
If I can offer some advice as we launch into this topic I call “Surviving the Challenging and Changing Teen Years,” let me suggest these two-
· You cannot parent the way you did when your teens were little.
If we are aware at all during these years we will soon
learn that our children’s adolescent years are markedly different than their childhood years. If we want a home filled with peace and harmony (as well as teenagers who are well adjusted) then we as parents must be willing to change. We must change our parenting approach and -- equally important – we must change ourselves!
· Never forget this insight: rigidity is lethal.
This leads me to my second piece of advice. Let me say it
even stronger: little kids can accept rigidity – in fact it produces security for them. Not so with teenagers; they recoil virtually every time. Parents who refuse to be flexible and expect teenagers to respond as they did when they were children are guaranteeing that their child will rebel. Those parents who give wiggle room – holding their adolescents loosely -- are those who truly are secure and mature.
These parents are willing to:
· give some room in lieu of sending them to their room,
· release control instead of clutching too tightly,
· offer humor rather than hunkering down,
· convey forgiveness instead of fakery,
· listen rather than lecture.
Let’s be honest – to parents, change is threatening. Upsetting the status quo is fear-inducing. The reason that parents need to change is because our children are changing. They are becoming adults. The years between 10 and 19 are nothing but change. The journey has begun and believe me no resistance will stop what is about to the happen in the home and the heart.
He is called “male:” A child with no cares goes to sleep with teddy bears and – next thing you know, wakes up with a driver’s license. Playing catch with dad has given way to hanging out with his friends at the pizza joint. “Hey dad, could you drop me off a little ways from school?” “Aw, Dad -- kissing is old school. Never in front of my buds.” His voice is changing and his hormones raging. The sign over the club house door used to read, “No girls allowed.” Now he notices and blushes at their attention. Soon he will exchange the baseball diamond for a diamond ring. Gone are the nights that he slipped into bed with mom and dad because of a bad dream, a high fever, or just a longing to be loved. He is called “male.”
She is called “female:” The beautiful little girl that went to bed with freckles wakes up with acne. The family photo albums are filled with pictures of tea parties on the porch, birthday parties, piano recitals and Easter dresses. Life was so simple for the girl that wanted nothing more than to be just like mommy. The days of sitting on dad’s lap have all but vanished. Hair that once was filled with ribbons is now a different color every week – often more than one! As a child she could have cared less if it was up or down. Nowadays, every strand is a life-altering choice. She is called “female.”
Added to all this is the mass media influence. Images and advertising campaigns conveying messages such as: You are horribly overweight. You are ugly beyond belief. You just aren’t cool enough. You are out of step with the times. How did all this happen?
For over 20 years I have been involved with teenagers. That’s just about long enough to get an education. Now, two of my own sleep down the hallway and a couple more will all-too-soon join their ranks. During adolescence these used-to-be kids turned fledgling pre-adults are asking all sorts of questions about self, the world, God, authority, values and a host of other issues. I think four questions are really at the heart of most issues for teenagers. So let’s see if the word of God agrees with me! I think young people go through four passages of life to make it safely into adulthood. Let me suggest three and comment on the fourth-
Responsibility Passage - What attitudes will I choose?
(37) Absalom fled and went to Talmai son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur. But king David mourned for his son everyday. (38) After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there for three years. (39) And the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Ammon’s death. (2 Samuel 13 - NIV)
Authority Passage - Whose rules will I respect?
(1) Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years. He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left. (2 Chronicles 34 - NIV)
Conformity Passage - What lifestyle will I adopt?
(3) Then the king ordered Ashpenaz, chief of his court officials, to bring some of the Israelites from the royal family and nobility-(4) young men without any physical defect, handsome, showing aptitude for every kind of learning, well informed, quick to understand, and qualified to serve in the king’s palace. He was to teach them the language and literature of the Babylonians. (5) The king assigned them a daily amount of food and wine from the kings table. They were to be trained for three years, and after that they were to enter the king’s service. (Daniel 1 - NIV)
Identity Passage - Who Am I?
(1) Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty warrior. His father was Gilead; his mother was a prostitute. (2) Gilead’s wife also bore him sons, and when they were grown up, they drove Jephthah away. “You are not going to get any inheritance in our family,” they said, “because you are the son of another women.” (3) So Jephthah fled from his brothers and settled in the land of Tob, where a group of adventurers gathered around him and followed him. (Judges 11 - NIV).
This passage tells us of a teenager who had an amazing talent -- one he forged despite coming from a home of harlotry. In verse one, we get a quick glimpse of his roots -rejection, embarrassment and an identity crisis. This snapshot briefly mentions the name of his dad and tells us that Jephthah was raised in a home where he didn’t know who his mom was. Nothing about her is identified except her sordid sexual past. Did this have an effect on Jephthah? More than he (and most teens) would ever let on! So, in a home filled with confusion, tension and family crisis it’s no surprise that before long this dysfunctional family booted Jephthah from the nest. Where did he go – to his grandparents or perhaps an aunt and uncle?
The truth is he found an Old Testament street gang that would offer acceptance, approval and familial ties. These are the main reasons that kids joins gangs – as substitute family experiences.
If a teenager does not find a secure identify at home, he or she will go looking for one!
The story is so riveting and so “today!” So convincingly real; a boy doesn’t know who his mom is; his dad allows him to be kicked out of the house; he is ostracized by his half-siblings. Hanging his head and hurting in his heart, he wanders until he finds some modicum of meaning, purpose and respectability. Jephthah ended up on the street. Our modern definition of a kid on the street goes beyond the classic “truant child fleeing a bad home.”
A kid on the street sits in these pews today. His “street life” the result of:
· a mom out of touch with the child’s hurts,
· a dad to busy at work to know the kids fears,
· a home to dysfunctional to welcome in friends.
In a 1998 USA Weekend exclusive survey of more than a quarter million teens -- one of the most extensive ever -- teens responded honestly about tackling their identity crisis.
An unprecedented 272,400 students wrote in and confessed their short-comings and exposed their passion to improve themselves. It is the number one issue still today among our kids: to carve out their identity and fit in with their peers remains paramount for teens. Some of the primary issues are as follows:
(1) Looks are key (only 4 in 10 youth said they feel attractive.)
(2) Faith is central (of the influences of their everyday lives, faith was second only to parents.)
(3) Depression is common (more than half said they occasionally feel “really depressed.”)
(4) Families don’t talk enough (one in five said they don’t talk to their parents more than 15 minutes a day.) (2)
In the article, therapist Susan Mackey of the Family Institute at Northwestern University said, "Our culture is so nuts about this, and it’s only getting worse, not better.” So what is a teenager’s hope? (3)
Return with me to our text. Here we see an unusual turn of events. Sometime after living on the street, a group of church elders go looking for Jephthah. Why? Because the nation of Israel was under siege and they needed a deliverer. Someone remembered that a young soldier had left home years before -- a mighty warrior named Jephthah. “Where was he,” they thought? He had gotten away from us and was living on the streets. Somebody had to go get him!
(4)Sometime later, when the Ammonites, made war on Israel, (5) the elders of Gilead went to get Jephthah from the land of Tob. (6) “Come,” they said, “be our commander, so that we can fight the Ammonites.” (7) Jephthah said to them, “Didn’t you hate me and drive me from my father’s house? Why do you come to me now, when you’re in trouble?” (Judges 11 - NIV)
Do you hear his question? It was a lack of sincerity that he sensed in their attitudes. Youth can sniff out a phony from a mile away!
(8) The elders of Gilead said to him, “Nevertheless, we are turning to you now; come with us to fight the Ammonites, and you will be our head over all who live in Gilead.” (9) Jephthah answered, “Suppose you take me back to fight the Ammonites and the Lord gives them to me - will I really be your head?” (Judges 11 - NIV)
Wow! What a revealing question. Can you understand the identity crisis taking place inside Jephthah? With a sneer he asks, “Where were you in the formative years of my identity?” What hope did you offer me of possibly reaching my potential? And, by far, the most convicting question in his heart is this: can I trust you?
But Jephthah overcame his feelings of resentment and unforgiveness. God used the young man to deliver his people. Except for a few youthful mistakes and bad decisions, Jephthah was overall a good judge for the nation.
Two final thoughts-
First, Give your kids the luxury of a mistake now and then. You made a few growing up. Acceptance by you and approval from you is critical to their healthy development.
Second, Give your kids room to come to their own convictions and conclusions. Parents are foundational to success. At the same time you must flex when appropriate.
Arguably, no landmark in on the west coast is more famous or readily recognizable than the Golden Gate Bridge. It is an amazing wonder of architectural work. Most would not know that the south pier rests on the San Andreas Fault line. What a contrast between flexibility and strength. In his book The Strong Family, Chuck Swindoll makes an interesting observation about this.
The bridge is built to sway twenty feet at the center of its one-mile suspension span. The secret of its durability is its flexibility that enables this sway, but that is not all. By design, every part of the bridge-its concrete roadway, the steel railings, its cross beams-is inevitably related from one weld joint to the other through the vast cable system to two great tower and two great anchor piers. The towers bear most of the weight, and they are deeply embedded into the rock foundation beneath the sea. In other words, the bridge is totally preoccupied with its foundation. This is the secret: flexibility and foundation (4).
The home offers the bedrock foundation for the teenager. If the young person is to have a successful launch into adulthood there must be a combination of strength and this bridge-like flexibility.
Summary Comments
1. While our kids were still pre-adolescents, grim-faced parents would almost always smile at us and say, “enjoy it while you can, it won’t last – not for long.”
2. Parents who refuse to be flexible and expect teenagers to respond as they did when they were children are guaranteeing that their child will rebel. Those parents who give wiggle room – holding their adolescents loosely -- are those who truly are secure and mature.
3. If a teenager does not find a secure identify at home, he or she will go looking for one!
Surprising Comments
1. Do you hear his question? It was a lack of sincerity that he sensed in their attitudes. Youth can sniff out a phony from a mile away!
End Notes
(1) James Dobson. Hide or Seek. Rvell, Old Tappan, New Jersey, 1979, pg. 47.
(2) www.usaweekend.com/98. (1998 USA Weekend Survey-Teens & Self Image-May 1-3)
(3) Ibid, pg. 1
(4) Chuck Swindoll. The Strong Family. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1991, pg. 152.
