APPROACH WITH CARE
Relationships are messy things. They require loads of time, emotional energy, and extreme courage to face the certainty that you will get hurt. And there always is some kind of hurt. In relationships we face the risk of misunderstanding each other; we risk having our feelings hurt; and there are times where we will wonder when we will see a return on the investment we have put into the life of another person.
Even in the most intimate of relationships, that of husband and wife, we experience the burden of relationship most intensely. Beyond your spouse and children, the small circle of good friends you maintain, there is not much of that time or emotional energy left to spend. Thus, many of us do not have room for even one more relationship. Who has time or space in their life to allow one more person in?
And yet that is what Jesus is asking us to do: make room for one more relationship. If we are to become a body of contagious Christians, building relationships is essential to sharing Jesus Christ.
Mark Mittelberg said in an interview, “The old evangelism that people responded to 20 or 30 years ago consisted of kind of reminding people what they already knew and challenging them to do something about it. In our culture today you don’t remind them of what they know. They didn’t know it in the first place.” Our society has become secularized, people generally have not spent time in Sunday School, and therefore are ignorant of spiritual truth. We can’t run around yelling “repent!” and expect a revival; they don’t know what the word “repent” means.
Evangelism today requires the hard work of relationship-building to be effective. The days of the “Crusade” have passed and we must engage in the patient work of friendship, and the gaining of trust, and the investment of emotion to bring a person to Jesus Christ.
A good relationship is the best starting point for introducing the ultimate relationship: a relationship with God.
1. Building A Relationship
Everything we see in Jesus is a model for living, even how he formed relationships. Think of it, we read in Phil. 2: 5-8 how Jesus left the glory of heaven and came to earth. Not only that but he came to earth and made himself vulnerable by taking on the form of a servant, a slave, and thereby hobnobbed with slaves. Why? In order to relate. He stripped himself of everything that would elevate him in order to bare himself for one purpose: Relationship with us. He initiated it; he took the first step, and then several more.
Take the story of Zacchaeus as an example. Here is a perfect picture of what Jesus came to do and what he calls us, his followers, to also do.
a) Reaching Out – Jesus was passing through the wealthy border town of Jericho when he met Zacchaeus. You know this short man from flannel-graph days; he was the guy who climbed a tree to see Jesus. You know that he was a tax-collector and quite wealthy. You probably know that he was despised for collaborating with the Romans and collecting taxes. His wealth increased all the more because he cheated people and took more tax than Roman law required. All this adds up to one thing: he was the least liked person in Jericho.
This unpleasant man was curious about Jesus. “He wanted to see who Jesus was…” but he was not seeking Jesus. However, Jesus was seeking him. “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost,” and Zacchaeus was lost.
What does it mean to reach out? I hate to tell you this but it looks like we’re supposed to become friends with unpleasant people. You know the people in Kleefeld everyone talks about, the ones who don’t clean their yard, that grumpy fellow, those people that yell at their kids…you know, the ones we make fun of? What does it mean to reach out? It means leaving our comfort zones of like-minded friends. It means dropping that committee in church so that we have more time to get to know our neighbors. Really, I’m serious. Do it. If you are too busy to make relationships the Church has a problem.
b) Risking Your Rep – there is a risk involved with doing this. Your reputation is at stake if you have unbelieving friends. Jesus had a reputation for being an intriguing teacher and had gained respect for his words. But he continually sabotaged his rep by associating with people like Zacchaeus. “All the people saw this and began to mutter, ‘He has gone to be the guest of a ‘sinner.’’”
Jesus went to parties and drank with tax-collectors and sinners. Something in this gets lost on us. Does this not seem odd? What if you saw me coming out of that little bar in Ille Des Chenes? Ahh, now you see what a little wrong association can do. But if we are going to go looking for the lost, what better place to look? Our fear is that if we rub shoulders with these people we will be sucked into their lifestyle. There is some truth to that but with a church praying for you as you do these outrageous things, what an adventure that could be.
As it is, I have heard about one of our high schoolers who was ridiculed by church friends for having too many unbelieving friends. What will people say? You should hang out with Christians. Do you know what the most embarrassing question is to ask in Church? How many non-Christian friends do you have? The answer is one or none.
c) Entering Their Realm – Jesus went looking for ‘sinners,’ disregarded what people thought, and even entered their realm of life. When Jesus came to the tree where Zacchaeus was sitting… “he looked up and said to him, ‘Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.’”
Can you imagine how a man with no friends would feel if someone insisted on coming to his home? In Middle Eastern culture it was always the host who initiated the visit. By insisting on coming to Zacchaeus’ home, Jesus was breaking protocol. What an honor outshines the insult when someone like Jesus invites himself over. In that home is where Zacchaeus’ personality, interests, hobbies and life could be seen at a glance. Zacchaeus must have thought happily, “Someone is interested in me?”
Many years ago a guy who I was competing with academically, and whom I found often to be arrogant and unpleasant, asked if I would give him a ride home. Though he irritated me I usually defended him being in our circle of Broadcasting friends. He didn’t have many friends. When we got to his house he invited me in. He and his mother lived in a small house with bare essentials in North End Winnipeg. But something clicked inside my head when I entered his house. It was like I suddenly understood him, knew him, and felt much less hostility towards him. Entering his home changed everything in our relationship. Entering the realm of other people crosses a boundary into their life that says we are interested in them.
d) Making a diff – Jesus didn’t even enter Zac’s house before a great change took place in his life. Suddenly, Zac was willing to give up half of his wealth and make restitution to the people he had cheated. All he needed was someone to love him.
Our primary goal is relationship, not solely conversion. If it is only conversion, then we miss the point of Christ’s mission. If we have taken care to get to know a person and show them love we have already made a difference in their lives. They are not the same because they know you, a child of God. Even if that doesn’t mean something yet, it will in the long run.
To truly make an eternal difference in someone’s life requires us to share the good news of Jesus with them. Living a good life is not enough to impress them with the life-altering power of Christ. You have to tell them what you believe. You have to take that relationship deeper and approach the subject.
2. Taking That Relationship Deeper
There are many ways to approach your friend with the truth they need to hear. These are sampling of biblical examples that show that there is more than one way to share Jesus with others. You need to find the one that fits your personality…
a) Through the Confrontational Approach – This approach is personified in the life of Peter. He was a no-nonsense fisherman who told it like it was. When Jesus asked his disciples who they thought he was, Peter wasted no time and blurted out, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” On the day of Pentecost, filled with the Holy Spirit, he stood up and confronted the crowd with the facts. “You killed Jesus,” he said.
This approach is not the best-received today by most people. Not many of us have the guts to charge in and tell it like it is. And yet there are people out there who need someone to tell them that their life is a train-wreck and that they need Jesus to make it right.
b) Through the Intellectual Approach – Others need a more intellectual approach. Bill Hybels said of the apostle Paul “…the hallmark of his approach was his logical and reasoned presentation of the gospel message.” Paul was a master at explaining the truth about God, sin and Christ’s solution. He took an educated stance towards questions of theology and philosophy. When Paul met the Athenians at the Areopagus in Acts 17, he met them on their level of academia. Chances are pretty good that they would not have responded well to Peter’s “turn or burn” style. They needed logic.
There are more people out there with questions today. They are not satisfied with pat answers on spiritual matters. A reasonable faith is what they are looking for. It’s not a black and white world to them; they want to know what we think about the big issues; they don’t want to hear the tried and true memorized response. Give them a reason to believe. Granted, not all of us are apologists, but we should know what and why we believe in a man who rose from the dead.
c) Through the Testimonial Approach – In John’s gospel we meet a man born blind who is given his sight by Jesus. Confronted by a hostile audience of Pharisees, and not being an educated man like Paul, he refused to get into a theological debate. Instead, he spoke from experience, “One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see.” You can’t argue with experience; you cannot debate what someone has actually lived.
One drawback for many of us in this approach is that we think we lack a dramatic testimony. I was neither a drunk nor a drug addict; I was not rescued from downtown Winnipeg. But effective testimonies don’t have to be dramatic. Just tell your story. Tell how you realized religion was not enough and that a real relationship with Jesus has put meaning in your life. They may not relate to a dramatic conversion but they will appreciate your own personal journey. (looks like theirs)
d) Through the Invitational Approach – Also in John we meet a Samaritan woman at a well. Three things were against her: she was a woman, she was Samaritan, and she was living an immoral life. Jesus met her at that well and she discovered the Messiah. It was an encounter that rocked her world. Her response was to go into town and bring a bunch of people out to meet this Jesus saying, “He told me everything I ever did.” All she did was invite them to hear Jesus speak and they came and believed for themselves.
In a recent poll, George Barna revealed that 25 % of American adults would go to church if a friend would just invite them. One out of four of your friends is waiting for an invitation. Church settings can be threatening to some, but what if we had a non-threatening event to bring them to? Oh wait…we do. Thanksgiving supper in fall, campout in spring, Keenagers nostalgia dress-up party, Care group Bible studies, Church in the park…you name it. Just think of the possibilities.
e) Through the Interpersonal Approach – This is the approach that Matthew took after meeting Jesus. Matthew as invited to follow Jesus, leaving behind his tax-collecting business. But he didn’t leave behind his friends. “Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them” (Lk 5:29). Matthew relied on his relationships through their common profession and invited them to home to eat with them and show them Christ.
Mark Mittelberg learned the power of this approach by accident. He and his wife had four tickets to a church program featuring hip music and professional drama. Pulling up to his driveway he spotted his neighbor Scott and thought it would be great to invite him and his live-in girlfriend to this concert. He asked if they were busy that night and if they would want to go, quickly trying to explain that it was a low pressure event, no one would try to convert them or anything. What courage, right? Well it was a bit too bold and too quick. Scott answered, “…thanks anyway, but I don’t think we’ll go this time…but if you would like to get together in the backyard for a BBQ let us know.” Mark thought to himself, “Why didn’t I think of that…you’ve got to BBQ first.”
This is the key to the interpersonal approach: BBQ first. If this style appeals to you it is because you are the kind of person God has created for long talks and patience in listening.
Whatever approach you use the important thing to remember is that we need to open our mouths and talk about Jesus. Bill Hybels said this: “Far too many Christians have anesthetized into thinking that if they simply live out their faith in an open and consistent fashion, the people around them will see it, want it, and somehow figure out how to get it for themselves. Or they reason that maybe these people will come and ask them what makes their life so special and, when they do, they’ll seize the opportunity and explain it to them. But let’s be honest: That almost never happens.”
Final Challenge:
Captain Chris McKinney led an infantry company in Iraq and is now an instructor at West Point. One day he asked his cadets a hypothetical question:
“You’re leading a platoon…and one of your men is lying wounded in the middle of a mine field. You go meet with a local farmer, who knows how to lead his herds safely through the field, so he could rescue your comrade. But he won’t talk; if he’s seen collaborating with the Americans, he and his family could be killed. What do you do?”
Many of the cadets have seen too many “Lethal Weapon” movies, so most answer with putting a gun to his head. McKinney replies: “…are you willing to pull the trigger?” Wouldn’t that endanger your men if the farmer’s relatives want revenge? If you don’t pull the trigger what will your men think of you?
Others suggest offering the farmer protection. McKinney counters: “Never promise these people anything you can’t deliver.”
Finally, McKinney gives the answer: There is no answer. Not one single answer anyhow. It’s all guesses and his guess is that you should use the strong Iraqi aversion to having a death on one’s conscience. Tell the farmer that the soldier lying out there is a human being and that his death would be on the farmer’s head. In other words, use your judgment; consider the person, the context and the culture.
What a strange story to end with. No, the same is true with deciding which approach to use with your friend whom you want to share the gospel with. It’s guesswork sometimes. It’s risky and you might make a mess of it. Ask God for wisdom and consider the kind of person you are talking to; consider the context (if he’s not touchy-feely, don’t use the experiential approach); and consider the culture your friend comes from.
If you guess wrong, if you don’t lead this person to Christ, if they reject Christ outright, remember this: the gospel is an offense to some and not everyone will accept Jesus. But at least you will know that you have tried. And you can still have a relationship with that person. God bless you as you try.
AMEN
