Healthy Heart Happy Homes
How to take control of your life
Week 2, January 25, 2004
Intro: This series is about overcoming some of life’s greatest roadblocks.
Serenity Prayer:
GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And The Wisdom to know the difference.
In this series we will be dealing with the main points in life that can really mess you up or bring your great happiness.
Managing these inputs and outputs of your life determines the quality of your life.
Spiritual Growth Definition = the unending process of replacing the lies with the truth.
A very important book has been written on the subject. “Boundaries”, by Doctors and Authors Cloud and Townsend. This sermon has a giant footnote at the bottom with their names.
The whole idea of the book and today’s sermon is taking back control of your life!
We will be only scratching the surface of this subject today. This message and the up coming Video teaching series starting Wednesday night February 4th will change your life. These will be like giving you the guns and ammo you need to take back your life.
The need for self-control is fundamental in the creation of mankind, according to the Bible. God created us to be free, and to act responsibly with our freedom. He was behind that idea all along.
But as we all know, we misused our freedom and as a result, lost it. And the big fruit of this loss of freedom was the loss of self-control.
We have felt the results of that ever since in a wide variety of misery. Consider a few of the alternatives to self-control:
• Relationships where people try to control each other
• Faith practiced out of guilt and drudgery instead of freedom and love
• The replacement of love as a motivator with guilt, anger and fear instead
• The inability to stop evil in significant relationships and cultures
• The inability to gain control of our own behavior and solve problems in our lives
• The loss of control to addictive processes
• Unable to break generational cycles of sin.
Text: Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
Jesus died to set us free: from sin, from the devil, from the world around us. And that is the essence of what Boundaries teach—freedom. So, with that in mind, let’s look at some of the aspects of freedom that are important.
“Simply stated, it is this: people have a need to be in control of their own lives, and they have a need to know that God is behind that idea.” Henry Cloud, Ph.D.
The main issue is SELF-CONTROL!
God uses self-control:
- Revelation 3:20 NKJ “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.
- Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
God wants us to have self-control:
- Galatians 5:22 “but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and SELF-CONTOL”
- Proverbs 4:23 NIV "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
So, lets begin by defining some things. First, this all about learning self-control, but in order to have control we need to understand the boundaries of what God wants us to control. In other words we need to mark off the boundary lines so that we know when our property ends and someone else begins.
Set up fence illustration
I. Freedom and Responsibility
a) Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. As it was in the Garden of Eden, God’s created order was that we were to be free moral agents, and to operate within the boundaries that He established for us. We wanted to use our freedom in any way that we chose, and as a result, we lost it.
b) Now, God has returned us to freedom, and like in the beginning, we are to use it responsibly, or we become slaves all over again.
c) So, with the freedom that Christ has given you, you have to be responsible for your life and existence. This means that in all areas of your life, you are accountable.
Here are some areas you are responsible for:
• Feelings • Attitudes • Behaviors • Choices • Limits
• Talents • Thoughts • Desires • Loves • Values
d) All of these things lie within the property of your own soul, within your boundaries. And God has given you stewardship over that domain.
e) But, He will also hold you responsible in the end. As Paul and Jesus both tell us, “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)
f) On that day, there will be no blaming it on someone else, no excuses given such as “he made me feel that way,” or “she drove me to it.”
g) If we are depending on everyone else to guard our heart, then we feel insecure because we do not know when or if they will show up.
h) When we actively guard our heart from unsafe people and from destructive patterns within ourselves, our heart feels safe, and love is free to fill its rooms.
My being responsible for myself is empowering. God created me to be an adult in every aspect – emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, relationally. (Especially as a parent, I am always the adult whether I feel like it or not) It gives me hope, I’m not a victim formed by anyone or any circumstance. God is always able to work everything for my good, and I can choose that perspective and become who He planned me to be.
II. Ownership
a) Possession of what God has entrusted to us.
i. Ownership says, “that is mine, and I am responsible for it.”
ii. It is what Jesus was calling us to in the commandment to “take the log out of our own eye first.” (Lk. 6:42)
iii. So, in order to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours.
iv. The list above of feelings, attitudes and the like is the place to look for what we need to take ownership of.
For example, then it is my anger and I have to take responsibility for it, not blame it on you. You may have provoked me to it, but the reality is that since it exists in my soul, it is my problem. The behavior is your problem, what I feel and do in response is mine.
v. The same rule applies to the rest of the list. In order to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, choices and the like, we must first realize that they are ours and no one else’s. They reside in our own souls, so the ownership implies the responsibility.
b) Freedom from life-long victimization!
i. They have an abusive “other” in their lives, and feel miserable most of the time.
ii. They feel victimized and powerless to do anything because the other person won’t change.
iii. They feel that as long as the other is drinking, or controlling, or mean, that they will feel depressed.
iv. But Boundaries teach us that since the feeling is on my property, I have to own it, and once I own it, I can do something about it!
But as long as we give that control over to others of our property, then we will be victims of their irresponsibility.
Lie #1 “I Can’t Be Happy Unless Things Go My Way.”
It isn’t what happens to you that “makes” you unhappy, it’s how you view it. So, even when things don’t go your way, you can still be “happy” (content) with the proper attitude.
Philippians 4:11-13 …I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..
Lie #2 “It’s Somebody Else’s Fault.”
Our feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant, are caused by how we think. Since no one forces us to think the way we choose to think, we are responsible for the feelings that our thoughts create.
Ownership is the beginning of the steps to freedom.
Ownership leads to Confession; Confession leads to Freedom
All resolution of problems begins with confession.
Open the gates Letting the good in and bad out
III. Limiting Evil
“If you own a property, then you control it. It is under your domain.”
My neighbors had a dog that saw my yard as a great place to visit. “The affectionately named Black Sabbath.” I was so mad! Until I realized that I was not getting even, they didn’t care! And to top it all off, I was still the guy working the shovel! So, I started going over and knocking on the door and having them come over to do the shoveling. It only took a few times for this to teach “Black Sabbath” some new boundaries.
a) Self-Control
i. God is behind the idea of your being in control of your own life!
1. He does not want anyone else controlling you, your feelings, your attitudes, your thoughts, or any other aspect of your life.
2. He wants you in control of yourself so that you can freely submit that life to Him.
3. As a result, you get the life that is in Him, and that is the best life possible.
ii. Walking in the Spirit
1. The Holy Spirit will direct us, lead us and be faithful to us.
2. He will empower us to do what we cannot (Before Christ we have no self-control)
3. However, the Holy Spirit will not be giving an account for my life before God.
4. We will be in constant conflict with the flesh for the rest of our lives.
iii. Stopping Evil at my Gate
1. God demonstrates:
Galatians 5:19-21
2. God doesn’t allow anyone to abuse him, why should you?
Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”
Psalm 101:3, 7 NKJV
I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me.
7 He who works deceit shall not dwell within my house; He who tells lies shall not continue in my presence.
iv. Asking for help with my Burdens (Galatians 6:1-5)
1. We all have burdens, at times, that we can’t stand up under.
2. Self-Control is not about pride, stubbornness or even self-sufficiency
3. Like a huge Rock crushing my chest! “Do you need any help?”, “Nope, I got it.”
v. Carrying my own load
b) Love for Others
It is all about love. As Jesus has told us, the two greatest commandments hang on the ultimate reality of Love. And this is the biggest misunderstanding that we find when talking about Boundaries. (NEW Sunday School class – started today)
Many people think that boundaries are about selfishness and are at their root, self-serving. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Boundaries are about freedom, and freedom is always meant to have as it’s ultimate fruit, love. As Paul says, and we would echo to anyone who uses boundaries in a self-serving way,
Gal. 5:13-14 “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Boundaries are about God’s restoring freedom to you and me so that we could take control of our lives to be able to love Him and others.
God is about Life. He is about restoring good things.
And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed.
Galatians 6:1-5
i. Restoring (mending nets, This is bring people to repentance)
ii. Carrying Burdens
iii. Not Carrying their Loads
Illustration of troubled parents:
iv. Allowing them to reap what they sow.
He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:
• Truth and Commands • Confrontation • Rebuke • Exhortation
• Forgiveness • Group Intervention • Consequences • Discipline
• Restoration • Limit Setting Separation
What is also important to note are the tools not used:
• Nagging • Ignoring • Silent Treatment • Complaining
• Insulting • Jealous Comparisons
These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil.
And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large.
We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.
Conclusion: When I have control of my heart, I can give without feeling taken!
One final note. All of the above talks about taking control of your life. The elements that we listed above, like feelings, attitudes, choices, etc. must come under your control in order for life to work. But what if you can’t take control of them? What if you are “unable?”
That is the good news of the gospel, that Jesus takes captives and turns them into free people.
Remember, the ability to make good choices is a fruit of spiritual growth. (Gal. 5:23) If you are not able to do that now, God will help you.
He will work in your life through a process of spiritual growth, and the end result will be more freedom and more self-control. Submit to His process and allow Him to do that.
