Have you ever watched the television series, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? It’s the show where a team of designers go to the home of a family who has fallen on hard times, perhaps they are financially drained by a health problem, family member has died, . In every case there is a definite need, and it breaks your heart to see these good people in the condition they find themselves. So every week the designers arrive and send the family away to some nice resort area like Disney World, and in one week, 7 days, they either completely remodel the family’s home, or they knock it down and begin from scratch. It’s amazing to see the difference it makes in a family when someone cared to come and help them, by making over their home.
Unfortunately, the biggest problem in we face in the US has less to do with the state of our house as it does the state of our families and marriages. I know this because the divorce rate is still hanging just below 50 percent. And this is true not only among non-Christians, but among Christian as well. They are almost equal. Shouldn’t our faith affect our marriages? Shouldn’t our homes and marriages be a place of love, nurture, and fulfillment rather than anger, abuse, and dysfunction? I believe God wants us to have great fulfilling marriages. And so I was inspired to begin this series of sermons I’m calling Home Makeover – Marriage Edition. Over the next couple of weeks we are going to look at making over our marriages the way God designed them to be, because no one to my knowledge has the perfect marriage, and I believe God desires to see strong marriages and families.
I realize some of you are not married, perhaps you are divorced, widowed, or just single. You may be asking, what is there in this for me? 1) If you are planning on being married at some point, or you are dating you will want these principles to help you have a more satisfying relationship. 2) If you don’t think you will ever be married again (which the Bible says is not only normal but actually preferred because it allows you to be more devoted to Christ and serving him), the Biblical principles are still helpful in relating to other people particularly with persons of the opposite sex.
On the show Extreme Makeover when the designers come in the first thing they do after greeting the family is what? Survey the house, find out what each member of the family likes, and after they send the family off, they begin to put a plan together for what the house will look like when it is done. In other words they look at what condition the house is in, and they come up with a plan for what the house should look like, taking into consideration the preferences of the people.
Any remodeling or construction project begins with a plan. [Show architectural plans]. If you don’t have a plan it becomes difficult to get where you want to go. Imagine a construction site without any plans, no one knows the dimensions of the house, “Oh, just put a wall up somewhere over there.”
When we talk about marriage and relationships the same is true, we need a set of plans because otherwise how are we going to have a great marriage. In marriage, if we don’t have a clear picture of what a successful marriage is supposed to look like, one of three things happens. Either we make the plan up as we go along according to the best way we see fit, or we fall back on the plan which was modeled to us by our parents (in other words we do exactly the same as our parents did whether it was healthy or unhealthy, for example what if your parents got divorced and you do what they did, guess what), or (worst case scenario) we let the culture determine what our marriage should look like (we borrow from television, movies, friends). These models may help (or not) but they aren’t going to give us the perfect picture of the healthy and lasting marriage that God desires we should have. In other words they don’t give us a perfect plan they give us flawed models. So we need a model or a plan for what marriage is meant to look like. Who better to create a plan than the one who created marriage in the first place, God. Since God created marriage, it seems to make sense that he would know a thing or two about how we can have be healthy and fulfilling marriages.
The first passage we read this morning in Genesis goes back to the beginning after God created man. As Adam cared for the perfection of the Garden of Eden, God noticed Adam was lonely. Sure, he had the animals to keep him company, but he was still lonely. So the Bible tells us God put the man to sleep took out a rib and made another being similar to man but still very different. God made the improved model, woman (just kidding). And as a result we see the first marriage, God joining the two together to become one flesh.
Reasons for marriage:
1. For companionship
2. To complement each other
God created someone different in order to compliment each other. In other words their differences would work together to help us grow and become more like God.
God could have created another man. Could you imagine what the world would be like if God created a world full of men. We would still be grunting, or speaking in incomplete sentences, spend all our time working and watching sports, (I can see all the guys thinking so what’s wrong with that?) We would probably have destroyed each other by now. This doesn’t mean that we have to get married to be complete, in fact the Apostle Paul, who wasn’t married, said it is better not to get married so we can devote ourselves more to serving Christ (1 Cor. 7). But it does mean men need women and women need men, whether it is as partners in marriage or as friends.
The first purpose for marriage was that man and woman were created to be different to complement one another and to help each other.
3. To help/support each other
The Bible tells us the woman was created to be a helper to the man. This does not in any way mean the woman was subordinate to the man, or subject to the man. We know this because the same word for helper (ay’-zer) is used of God in the Bible. David wrote in Psalm 54:4 But surely, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life (NRS). God is our helper. Certainly God is not subordinate to man. What it means is God created a partner, someone to help with and share life together.
What if someone is single? Does this mean you should be married? No, it does not. The Apostle Paul said, it is better to be single like he was because you can spend more of your time and energy serving your first love, Jesus Christ. But Genesis reveals that it is also good to have companionship.
God’s plan for marriage from Ephesians.
God created a plan for marriage, what it should look like, and we find this in Ephesians 5.
What Husbands Should Know About God’s Plan For Marriage
The Apostle Paul reminds us that husbands should love and cherish their wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25).
How does a husband love and cherish his wife? The same way Christ loved us. Christ loved us so much that he left the splendor of heaven to become a human being. He loved us enough to touch us and heal us, and most importantly he loved us enough to die a brutal death for us so that we might have eternal life and live life to the fullest right now. Jesus demonstrated his love by living unselfishly for us. The ultimate sign of love and cherishing your wives, husbands, is self-sacrifice.
Husbands, you may be thinking to yourself. I have self-sacrificed. I have worked my whole life so she can have food on the table. That is noble men, however you must also realize that how you view self-sacrificial love and how your wife views it is completely different. What communicates love from your perspective is not necessarily how they receive love. Steak on the table is not going to cut it for most women, if that is all there is.
According to Scripture there are universal ways of showing self-sacrificial love, whether it is a marriage or a friendship. In 1 Cor. 13 it tells us: 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
These are the universal ways of demonstrating love. Yet when it comes to marriages one of the biggest problems in marriages/relationships is that men tend to give the same kind of love they desire. Yet God has created us differently therefore how they feel love is sometimes different.
In his book Making Love Last a Lifetime, pastor Adam Hamilton, shares the insights of 1000 surveys of his congregation on how woman feel loved by their husbands.
Wives feel loved by their husbands when they…
1. Demonstrate affection
Wives feel love when their husbands are affectionate with them. When they hug them, kissed, hold, give back rubs. Guys, this does not mean it is going to meet your need. This is affection is not a precursor to something else (if you know what I mean). Affection is not only physical however, it is also verbal. It is when we say things like, “I love you.” Christian counselor, Gary Smalley, says wives need at least 11 meaningful touches or signs of affection during the day like a hug, kiss or holding hands. It does not mean this [signify by touching with pointer finger].
2. Demonstrate attentiveness
The second thing wives desire from their husbands is for us to be attentive to them, to give them our full attention. This means we are not listening with the television on or while reading a newspaper. When you really listen, give them your attention, that communicates love to them.
3. Demonstrate appreciation
Woman enjoy being appreciated just as anyone else does for things they do, take care of the kids, work around the house, chores, and ways of showing appreciation, saying, “thank you.” Or, “that meal was great honey.” When was the last time you said this, and meant it.
Love bank and building credits.
In the book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley uses an illustration of why demonstrating our love for our spouse is so important. It is called the “love bank.” The love bank is just like having an account in the bank. The love bank is an account you have with your spouse’s bank. You can make deposits and withdraws. Anytime we do the things we have just mentioned we make deposits into our account with our spouse. What usually happens before we are married is that there are a lot of deposits in our love ones love bank. We write a love letter, we hold hands, we talk all night long, we give flowers. The love bank has a high balance when we get married, but once we are married what tends to happen is slowly the deposits get less and less until finally there are no deposits anymore. Instead there are a lot of withdraws, the husband comes home at night and just read the paper while eating dinner, watch television and go to bed. Your wife continues to do chores around the house without any appreciation until pretty soon you’re balance is in the red. And you crawl in to bed one night and say honey, I’m in the mood tonight, and you wonder why she turns over and shuts the light off. The reason is because you’ve overdrawn on your account.
What Wives Should Know About God’s Plan For Marriage
According to Ephesians 5 it says wives should support and honor their husbands. Why is this so important? Because if the husband does not feel respected his natural tendency is to withhold love. Furthermore the passage tells us that it is important to treat your husbands in this way because however you treat them is the way you are treating Christ.
How you treat your husband reflects on how you treat Jesus. In other words you shouldn’t treat your husband any differently than you would treat Jesus.
According to Hamilton’s survey,
Husbands feel supported and honored by their wives when they are…
1. Admired
Just as wives feel the need to be appreciated, so husbands need to feel like they are admired for what they do. They need wives who encourage them and speak words of affirmation not tearing them down. The worst thing a wife can do to her husband is cut him down for what he doesn’t do. Anytime wives tear us down you make a huge withdraw from our love bank. Women, we respond much more strongly to positive encouragement than we do to nagging. It’s just like when we trained our dog, tell him he’s a good boy when he does something right. See, we men are very simple. I know my wife has been working hard at saying words of encouragement when she appreciates me for something I do.
2. Listened to.
I know some woman out there are saying, “yeah right not my husband, I can’t even get him to talk. I would be happy to listen to him if he had anything to say.” Let me tell you a secret women, wives, it is true some men do not talk a lot, however the reason a lot of men do not talk is because you aren’t willing to talk about the things they love, whether it is hunting, sports (football, baseball). That’s why when guys get together with other guys you can’t seem to get them to shut up. Wives you have to be willing to talk about the things that interest your husband, even if you’re not interested. By doing this you demonstrate you care about your husband. Another reason men don’t talk is because their wives dominate the conversation, and never ask their husbands about things which interest them. They are not like you, they don’t necessary want to talk about their day at work. They were just there, talk about something they are interested in and you might be surprised. Dale Carnegie figured this out a long time ago in human relationships, if you want to get along better with other people and show you value them, talk about what they are interested in.
3. Supported at home
Husbands feel supported when their wives care for their physical and emotional needs and the physical and emotional needs of the children. Men, this is not an obligation on behalf of the wife. Yes, God created the women to be a helper, but it is by her choice, and she needs to be appreciated for what she does.
4. Sexual intimacy
I can’t go without saying this one. Sorry ladies but it is just the way God has wired us. In his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” Harley believes this is the number one need among men. Sex is not bad, it is beautiful when it is experienced in marriage. This is one of the ways in which husbands feel loved by their wives.
God has created the plan. The question for us is, are you going to follow it. Husbands, are you going to choose to love your wives the way Christ love the church, self-sacrificially? Wives are you going to choose to honor and support your husbands as though you were doing it for Jesus. I believe faith does make a different. When we follow God’s plan, I promise you your marriage will flourish because God wants it to. But following a plan also means following a person, Jesus Christ. Without having Jesus in your life, following the plan will seem difficult if not impossible. Jesus has set us free so that we can do the right thing.
