IS “SEX” A DIRTY WORD?
Some time ago I watched a movie called “Arabesque” in which Gregory Peck plays a stodgy professor of hieroglyphics. He is explaining the various symbols on a chart and how to interpret them. The lecture is dry and anything but captivating. In fact a young man is nearly sleeping in the front row. That is, until the professor interrupts his droning by yelling the word “SEX!” The young man bolts upright and is stunned to attention. “I’m glad we found something that might interest you Walters,” the professor says slyly.
There’s a lot of power in this little word. We dare not speak it in just any circle. Polite conversation with those we don’t know well steers clear of the topic. Some of us even frown to hear it mentioned in church. The words “sex” and “sexuality” burn our ears. “There’s no children’s church today, don’t you know there are kids present?” you might say. And I would reply, “How do you think those kids got here?”
As early as the Middle Ages people began to withdraw from the word and the activity, viewing sex as defiling, dirty and unworthy of good Christians. It didn’t help that the Church taught that sex was only for procreation and was otherwise to be abstained from. The church made “sex” a dirty word based on a faulty understanding of scripture.
Is “sex” a dirty word? If as we have taught in the last two decades that sex is the gift and plan of God, why can’t we speak of sex as God intended it? Television is allowed to trivialize it; commercials are allowed to use it to sell products; movies draw attendance from it and teach that their law of love permits adultery and promiscuity. Why then is the Church today so squeamish about sending the right message about sex, especially when we know the truth? Probably because we don’t understand this amazing gift.
When we began this series in early Fall I told you that Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians in answer to some questions they were asking. If these Corinthians asked Paul the same questions today, I believe they would have asked them in our vernacular: Is “sex” a dirty word Paul? Is our sexuality a product of the curse of Adam’s sin?
After 6 chapters Paul now begins to answer their questions. How does a single person find victory in the midst of a sex-crazed society? If sex is sinful, why would people get married? Is it wrong to long for love?
1. Is it a sin to be single?
Yes it is. Let it be known that in the late 20th century the Church has made it pretty clear that it is a sin to be single. Any person age 20 and up will tell you that the Church has made it difficult to be single in our marriage-based culture. The most persistent questions any single person hears are: When are you getting married? Why don’t you marry him? Why are you so picky? Lower your standards.
I was a single minister for 7 years and I was ostracized in social and ministerial gatherings because of it. Once a single person marries the attitude changes – people accept you. My uncle is nearing 80 and the senior ladies in his church are still trying to set him up. He’s been a bachelor all his life. Why are they still trying? Because it is wrong to be single.
Paul, on the other hand, has something different to say: “Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not marry” (v. 1). This makes it sound like marriage is the issue. But the original language reads…it is good for a man not to touch a woman. In the ancient world this was a euphemism for sex. So not only is it better not to marry, it is advisable to avoid sex altogether.
What possible reason would Paul have for teaching this? First of all we must consider the context. In the previous chapter Paul wrote that Christians should not join their bodies with that of prostitutes. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and we have no business with sellers of sex. Corinth was a highly sexual society, much like Canada today. If a person is going to follow Christ it is better not to get mixed up in this kind of lifestyle. That’s why the NIV’s “marry” does not speak to the issue of sexual promiscuity rampant there.
Why else would Paul endorse celibacy? Why should Christians choose to be single? He gives three very good reasons in verses 25-40 of this chapter:
a) Troubles – First he says, “(v. 28b)”. We need only look at the current divorce rate in our country to know that there are plenty of troubles in marriages. Life does not get easier when you are married; the fairytale is not reality.
b) Time is short – (vv. 29-31). There is an End Times feel to this statement that suggests that persecution and the tragedies of life will make it difficult to enjoy married life. There is enough danger in the world to cut short the bliss of this. It is wise then not to hang on too tightly to anything in this present life. For Paul and Corinth, this was reality – the end could come at anytime given the hostility to the faith back then.
c) Focus – But perhaps the most important argument for choosing to be single is this (vv. 32-34). Paul goes on to say that the unmarried person is concerned about the Lord’s affairs and is devoted wholly to the Lord. And it’s true – a mortgage, a well-paying job to support your family, piano lessons, sports and the like, all tie a person down to this world. A single person is freer (not completely) to do whatever or go wherever the Lord directs without the concern of spouse and children.
Clearly Paul has a high view of the celibate life. Some would say that he holds it up higher than married life, almost as if the married life were a runner-up choice. But we must remember that Paul says, “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that” (6-7).
Often when the gifts of the Spirit are listed, celibacy is listed among them. It certainly takes a gift to dedicate oneself to the single life and to doing God’s work. But what is missed here is that Paul says each lifestyle is a gift from God. Celibacy is a gift, but so is marriage.
Is it a sin to be single? No! In fact Paul exalts the single person to a special place in God’s Church. And it is much better to be single than to marry an unbeliever, or a person who will hinder our growth, to marry for wrong motives, or to marry without a proper understanding of what is required of a spouse.
2. Is it a sin to be married?
Some would say that Paul was against marriage. Consequently in some odd bit of logic women often say that Paul also disliked females intensely. So the Corinthians had to ask: Is it wrong to be married?
Actually, there was a common understanding back then that everything spirit was good and everything physical or of the body was evil. Sex being physical was then considered sinful by some. If sex is sinful then marriage must be wrong for Christians. Sex after all, creates so many problems with fornication and temptations abounding.
Paul’s answer is quite different than they expected: “It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (vv 2-4).
Celibacy is ideal, Paul says, but given the climate of Corinth with its temple prostitutes and overindulgent society, marriage is preferable. Think of 21st Century Canada in the same regard. If you could stay pure in the single life and dedicate yourself to your career and to whatever ministry God has for you without caving to the pressure to browse the internet, fantasize, or call a 1-900 number, more power to you. But with the pressure of our sensation-driven culture and the push to experience all the thrills of life, including sex, it would be better for you to marry someone. Now just to be clear, Paul is not saying marry someone just for sex, remember the context he is speaking to. He paints a powerful and beautiful picture of marriage in Ephesians 5 for us to follow. But here he is making a different case, a case for purity.
In v. 28 he says if you marry you have not sinned. Later in vv. 36-38 he warns men that if their relationship with another woman is crossing a social or physical line, they should marry the woman to keep from sinning.
But here in these verses (2-4) we find advice that the church has not often taught. Paul gives this advice for the success of the Christian marriage and makes it indispensable for anyone who is married. This is it: Sex is for pleasure. That’s right, Christians, contrary to what the Roman Catholic Church taught, are to enjoy sex as God’s gift of pleasure. Contrary also to the world’s teaching on sex, it is something a spouse gives, not receives. That’s why Paul says the husband’s body is not his own. It is something he gives to his wife for her needs.
“Do not deprive each other (some: “defraud”)…” We should never withhold this gift from our spouse because of disinterest or as some kind of punishment. Likewise it is not something to be demanded as if it were due you. Any kind of demand destroys the purpose for which God intended this act to have in our marriages. It is there to fulfill a need that partners have; it teaches us about ourselves and about God.
If we do abstain as couples, Paul says it should be done for a specific reason: “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (5).
There are four principles given here for this special break which should be considered. A) It must be a mutual decision. The word Paul uses is “symphony”; it must be done in symphony. You can’t say “I’ve got a headache” unless you mean it, and you can’t say “Let’s pray instead.” B) It must be for a season, a short time. C) It must be for a special focus on prayer; some great need is the cause of this pause. D) Then come together soon. Be aware that Satan loves to use this area to destroy marriages. Money is one weapon he uses but sex is a powerful divider.
Prayer is itself an integral part of a healthy marriage. A counselor/pastor once told me that if you want a great sex life, learn to pray together. If shared prayer is fundamental to a Christian marriage, Satan will do everything to undermine it. Two things are true of most couples: one is that couples have a hard time praying together, and two is that it is often the husband who has the problem. The reason is not always clear, but it may be due to male pride in not wanting to show dependence in front of his woman. Prayer is, in its most excellent form, utter dependence on someone greater and stronger. Satan enjoys interfering with the true giving of sex in marriage and actively seeks to quench the joy of sex and the beauty of shared prayer. But both, Paul teaches, are powerful marriage builders.
Is it a sin to be married? Absolutely not. It is a gift of God and essential for our times.
3. Is it a sin to be lonely?
A third group of people are addressed in this discussion of sexuality. “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (8-9).
Was Paul against marriage? Did he hate women like so many assume? There is evidence that Paul was at one time married. It was a custom among Jews for young men to marry, and it was rare when they would not (i.e. Jesus). Paul was a member of the Sanhedrin at one time, and the prerequisite for this membership was to be married with children. Did his wife die? Did she leave him when he became a follower of Christ? We don’t know. But this passage gives a clue. He addresses the unmarried and widows. Gordon Fee says that while there is a word for women whose husbands died (widows) there is no corresponding word for men. He simply calls them unmarried. Paul tells the unmarried and widows to stay as he is, suggesting that he too is a widower.
But he has been given a gift, the gift of celibacy. What of those who do not possess that gift and miss their partners? Is it a sin to be lonely and to desire companionship?
In a very honest book about her life and feelings, Catherine Marshall spoke of these things after the death of her famous husband, Dr. Peter Marshall. She wrote in all frankness that she struggled with what to do about her awakened desires for love, sexual love from her husband, and the problems that created for her. Many a widow and widower and divorcee have struggled with this very same problem.
To the widowers and widows Paul says it is better to marry than to burn. Not burn in hell, but to burn with such inward desire that one cannot think of anything else. There is a stipulation Paul puts on remarriage: “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord…” (39). He must, or she must, belong to the Lord. That is absolutely required for any Christian who wants to get married. If marriage divides our interests like Paul says, how much more so by marrying someone who does not believe in Jesus.
No, it is not a sin to be lonely. It is not good for a person to be alone, God said in the Garden. And it is still true. To yearn for companionship is no weakness or fault or sin. It is a reminder of the precious gift of God to come together with a mate and enjoy the blessing of relationship.
Finally…
A new young monk arrived at a monastery. He was assigned to help other monks in copying old canons and laws of the church by hand. He noticed, however, that all of the monks were copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk went to the head Abbot to ask him about this, pointing out that if there was an error in the first copy from the original, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk said, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he went down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscript was held in a locked vault that hadn’t been opened for centuries.
Hours went by and nobody had seen the old abbot. The young man got worried and went downstairs to look for him. He found the old abbot banging his head against the wall. His forehead was all bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably. Finally, the young man asked the Abbot, “What’s wrong father?” With a choking voice, the old Abbot replied, “The word is ‘celebrate’!”
Whether celibate or celebrate, we should all rejoice in our positions where God has placed us. Both gifts are a cause for celebration and contribute to the life of the church. The gift of marriage reveals the uniqueness of relationship in the Trinity and between the Lord and his people (Eph. 5). The gift of singleness reveals the quality of dedication to a single goal that is to be highly admired. God is in both and gives both illustrations to teach us about himself. Let’s celebrate these gifts in our church.
And remember, nothing God gives should be called “dirty”, especially “sex.”
AMEN
