Relationships Are Everything
Effective Communication
James 1:19 - 20
According to an Italian newspaper, one Italian man recently became so frustrated with his wife’s badgering that he had himself arrested just to have one night’s peace in a jail cell. However, ten minutes after being securely locked away for the night because of pretending to be publicly intoxicated, he was shocked by what he saw. In walked his wife in cuffs, and she was placed in the cell next to him. Apparently, the wife had learned of his plot, and she also got herself arrested. She knew the jail only had two cells, so she figured she would have a captive audience for her complaints all through the night. Shakespeare said it best this way – “Oh what tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive.”
When I look at this situation, it becomes easy to see what the greatest problem was in their relationship. They were very poor communicators. The man perceived her words as being badgering, and she found him to be a poor listener. And, since they refused to improve on their communication, they found themselves in a situation that was far from ideal. However, I don’t think these are the only two people who have ever lacked in the area of communication. I think that the majority of people need help when it comes to communicating more effectively. After all, studies find time and again that the most difficult problem in relationships is communication.
One job where it pays to be an effective communicator is being a lawyer. After all, you must be able to communicate your case to a judge or jury in order for you to be effective and win trials. Well, even lawyers could use some help sometimes in this area. The Massachusetts Bar Association Journal printed the following questions actually asked of witnesses during a trial.
• Question – Were you alone or by yourself?
• Question – Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
• Question – You were there until you left, is that true?
• Question – Can you describe the individual? Answer – He was about medium height and had a beard. Question – Was he male or female?
• Question – Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? Answer – All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.
You see, even some of the most trained people in the area of communication need help from time to time. This is because school learning is incomplete at times. We must look to the ultimate authority of the Bible in this instance because it will give us all we need to know about communication. Turn with me this morning to James 1:19 to gain insight into this topic.
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
This morning, this message is for you. How do I know this? Because the verse says it is for everyone. This morning, we are going to glean three tips from this Scripture in order that we may be more effective communicators. Before we do this, let’s look to the Lord in prayer.
Tip #1: Be Quick to Listen.
Two psychiatrists met at their 20th college reunion. One is vibrant, while the other looks withered and worried. “So what’s your secret?” the older looking psychiatrist asks. “Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man out of me.” “So,” replies the younger looking one, “who listens?”
That is the question indeed. Who listens? Certainly, mothers, you could answer this question well. After all, the kids don’t listen all the time. Otherwise, you wouldn’t ever have to use the phrase, “How many times do I have to tell you to…” And, you know for a fact that your husband is not always listening – especially if the TV is on. I am guilty of it myself. Sometimes you feel like you are the teacher on Charlie Brown. You are talking but all everyone hears is, “Wa wa wahn wa wa.” People just are not good listeners. They either are just hearers or they are busy planning what to say next.
This morning, I thought we would play a little game with the kids. I need all the kids to come up front and make a line. Now, I want you to try as hard as you can to listen to your neighbor. I am going to whisper something in the first kid’s ear, and then they are going to pass it on. Then, when we get to the end, I want the last person to tell me what was said. Let’s try it.
Harry takes his dog, Fred, to town to get a hair cut.
Lisa jumps over the stream to keep her feet dry.
So, what happened to this short message? It changed just from traveling through a few sets of ears. Now, don’t be quick to blame the kids either. We could try this same experiment with adults as well, and we would come up with similar results. The reason is this: It is really hard to be a good listener. It requires a good deal of effort by the person who is hearing the words. You see, most of us have no problem hearing. We can audibly hear the words that other people are saying. We can grasp the syllables and words and sentences that come out of their mouths. But, there is a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing involves just the ears while listening involves the heart.
Erik Wiehenmayer reached the summit of Mt. Everest on May 25th, 2001. 90% of the climbers who attempt this feat fail. 165 have died trying since 1953. That is amazing in itself. What makes Erik’s climb even more amazing is that he has been blind since age 13. How did he succeed? He listened well. He listened for a bell tied to the back of a climber in front of him. He listened for instructions of teammates who would shout directions to him. He listened for the sound of his pick jabbing the ice to know whether it was safe to cross. He made the summit because he listened well, and he listened well because it was a matter of life and death.
Too many times, we do not listen because we do not think that the words our friends and relatives speak are of great worth. When we start to treat them as unimportant, then we can become distracted by other things going on or what we are going to say in response. When we do this, we are getting the cart in front of the horse. Remember, we are to put others needs and desires in front of our own. This means we need to listen intently to what they say and worry about talking later. Proverbs 18:13 puts this into proper prospective. “He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame.”
So, how do we know we are truly listening? Be like a mirror. Be like a tape recorder. At the end of each part of a conversation, a good listener is able to repeat back to the speaker what he or she has just said. If you can’t do that, you are not truly listening. Treat other’s words as if they are life and death to you like this climber did. After all, Dietrich Boenhoffer once noted that, “He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God.” Being quick to listen is the most important part of being an effective communicator.
Tip #2: Be Slow to Speak.
A young man once approached Socrates to ask if the philosopher would teach him the gift of oratory. His request was then followed by an incessant stream of words until, finally, Socrates placed his hand over the inquirer’s mouth and said, “Young man, I will have to charge you a double fee.” When the fellow asked why, Socrates replied, “I will have to teach you two sciences. First, how to hold your tongue, and then, how to use it.”
We love to talk don’t we? We love to give advice. We love to put in our own two cents. We love to think we have the answer to every problem that surfaces. After all, all you have to do is go to Beverly’s Café in New Bethlehem some morning and you can hear the answer to every problem in our country. Most of these conversations may be harmless, but we have to watch what we say. After all, later in James 3:6 we are told, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” Our tongue and the words that roll of off it have tremendous power to do great harm. Therefore, we should follow these two pieces of advice.
First of all, let your tongue out of its cage only when necessary. That is part of what it means to be slow to speak. Think about it this way as noted in Barnes’ Notes. “Men have two ears and but one tongue, that they should hear more than they speak. The ears are always open, ever ready to receive instruction; but the tongue is surrounded with a double row of teeth, to hedge it in, and to keep it within proper bounds.” We should keep a tight reign on our tongue so that we can spend the proper amount of time listening. After all, it is impossible to talk and listen at the same time. I used to tell my elementary students that when their mouth came open, their ears went shut. That statement is not far from the truth.
The second piece of advice is this: Thinketh before you Speaketh! In other words, know what you are going to say before you say it. Then, ask yourself if you really want to say that. We need to be like the person who prayed the following: Lord, help us not to talk too much because talking too much is like driving too fast; sometimes the brakes aren’t good and we pass by the place we intended to stop.” Let’s take Proverbs 13:3 to heart: The one who guard his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
Tip #3: Be Slow to Become Angry.
How many of you remember the story of Michael Costin from a few years ago. Michael was a 40 year old single father of four who was involved in coaching and refereeing hockey in his hometown of Reading, Massachusetts. At the end of a game, Costin was beaten to death at the hockey rink in front of his own children by an upset parent. The man reportedly became angry because Costin had refused to intervene in a youth hockey game that this man thought was getting too physical. The anger overtook this parent and caused all lines of communication to be broken. Then, it caused him to do this deed that he is going to regret for the rest of his life that he spends in jail cell.
The passage concludes by telling us to be slow to anger. Why is this? It is because anger is poison to relationships and to communication. It causes us to act and react in ways that we normally would not. It blinds us to the needs and wants of others. And, it seems to be on the rise in our society. After all, we have road rage in which one little action causes us to lose our cool. If you have ever been shopping on Black Friday, you have seen shopper rage. I never thought that security would have to be involved to protect the computers from being taken be people who refused to stand in line, but it was the case last year. People rush around and push others out of the way and get angry when someone does even the smallest thing. We also have sports rage. I was a referee for the youth soccer program for several years and was threatened by parents of children as young as 8 for making what they thought was a questionable call. We also have things like airplane rage on the rise. In 1997, pilots and flight attendants reported 66 incidents with unruly passengers nationwide. In 1999, there were 534 such incidents. It appears that our fuse is getting shorter and shorter as time goes on.
This is no Biblical. We are given many warnings of having a short temper in Proverbs 14 and 15. Verse 17 tells us that, “A quick tempered man does foolish things.” Verse 29 tells us, “A quick tempered man displays folly.” And, in verse 18 of chapter 15, we are told that “A hot tempered man stirs up dissension.” I think it is plain to see that it is not good or beneficial to have a short fuse.
So, what do we do? Well, it is in your control. You cannot control what others say or do, but you can always control how you respond. When things get heated, commit yourself never to escalate. Thomas Jefferson once said that when he got angry, he would count to ten before he responded. He said if he was really angry, he would count to 100 before he would respond. Jesus said it this way. If you are hit on one cheek, turn the other cheek as well. If a man wants your tunic, give him your cloak as well. If you are forced to go one mile, go a second mile as well. In other words, he is telling us to stay calm through it all because anger does not solve anything. Anger is a relationship and communication killer, and it is hard to control; therefore, ask God to help you be slow to anger.
How many of you have been searching and thinking about the perfect mother’s day gift that you can give to your mothers and wives today? I can think of no better gift that you can give them than to grow into a more effective communicator. How do we do that? First of all, we need to be quick to listen. Then, we need to be slow to speak. And finally, we need to be slow to anger. When we follow these three tips, our communication will be helped immensely, and our relationships will grow closer than we thought possible. This week, make a concerted effort to follow these three tips when you deal with those around you. I think you will see a big difference. Let’s pray.
