Relationships Are Everything
Dealing With Conflict
Matthew 18:15-20
A funny thing happened quite a few years ago in Darlington, Maryland. Edith, a mother of eight children, was coming home from visiting a neighbor one Saturday afternoon. As she walked into the house, she spotted five of her youngest children huddled together, concentrating with intense interest on something. When she slipped over near them, trying to discover what was going on, she could hardly believe her eyes. Smack dab in the middle of the circle of attention were several baby skunks. The alarmed mother screamed at the top of her voice, “Children, run, run, run.” At the sound of her voice, each child grabbed a skunk and ran. I think you can picture what happened next.
This mother learned a valuable lesson that day. It turns out that panicking, screaming, and overreacting are not the way to handle skunks. All you end up with is a stinky situation. I say this – this is not the way to handle conflict in the church unless we want to end up with the same result. There are many “skunks” that can pop up in the church and cause problems. I define a “skunk” in the church as a situation that has the potential to blow up and create a stink if it is not dealt with properly. Some of these “skunks” include what style of songs we should sing, what kinds of changes we should make in the church, and what we do when someone does something that angers us. Basically, a “skunk” is a situation that involves conflict.
Larry Crabb once wrote, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our attitude in handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual communities.” Notice that he did not say that the difference between the world and the church is a lack of conflict. You only need to be in the church for a little amount of time before you realize that there is conflict in it. The truth of the matter is that relationship can be strengthened through conflict – if we handle them correctly. What makes or breaks churches and relationships is what they choose to do in conflict because conflict is going to come. This morning, we are going to see what advice Jesus can give us for dealing with our “skunks” and conflicts. Turn with me to Matthew 18:15-20 or follow along in your sermon notes.
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”
Jesus shares some tremendous wisdom with us here about conflict. Before we dive into it, let’s go to the Lord and ask for His guidance in this area.
We should handle conflict using Jesus’ three step plan.
A few years ago, my wife and I received a house warming gift from a parishioner. They had bought us a dresser which we desperately needed at the time. It was a very thoughtful gift and we were gracious to take it. However, there was one problem. The dresser came unassembled in what seemed like a million pieces.
As most of you know, I am a bit deficient in the area of craftsmanship, but I decided to take on this project so we could finally take our clothes out of boxes and put them in a dresser for once. As I rummaged through the box of pieces, I was pleased to find a book of instructions. I am not too proud to admit that I used them. I started through and had few troubles for the first half of the build even though it took a tremendous amount of time to interpret the instructions and translate their words into actions. After the dresser started to take shape, I began to gain confidence in my building skills, so I began to stray from the directions. After all, I could put the drawers together and install the hardware to make them slide out. I had no trouble with the drawers, so I moved on to the hardware. It installed in a snap. Then, I went to slide the drawer in, and the problem hit. It would not line up right at all. I could not even force the drawer to go in. As I began to survey the situation, I realized I had placed the tracks in backwards. I was a little discouraged as I took all ten of them back off, turned them around, and fastened them back on. I picked up the drawer again, but it still did not seem to go in right. There was too much gap between the top drawer and the top of the dresser, and there was not enough room for the bottom drawer to fit. I began to wonder if I had put the whole thing together wrong and became distraught about the wasted hours of the project. Then, I went back to the instructions. I thumbed through the pages to find the section about the drawer hardware. In big, boldface letters, the instructions said, “Make sure the black arrow is on top of each piece of hardware and is pointing towards you. I hadn’t even noticed the black arrow before. I took off one piece and noticed I now had every piece of hardware on upside down. I once again had to remove and reattach each piece. I was frustrated, but it all could have been avoided if I had just followed the directions of the company.
The same is true of conflict. Conflict can cause us to be frustrated if we don’t follow the instruction of Jesus. In our passage in Matthew, the first step he tells us to follow is to go directly to the person who has offended you. This is so contrary to what we normally like to do. When someone hurts your feelings or does something to offend us, what is the first thing you do? Too much of the time, we talk about the situation with those around us with the words, “You’ll never believe what so and so did.” This is gossip no matter how you put it, and gossip always rots the church.
I know it may seem awkward and uncomfortable to go to those who have hurt you, but it the way that is best because it is God’s way. It is also the quickest and easiest manner to resolve the conflict. John Maxwell said the following about this subject. “When confronting a person about a conflict issue, I have discovered that 50% don’t realize there is a problem. 30% realize there is a problem but don’t know how to solve it. 20% realize there is a problem but don’t want to solve it. Notice that 80% of the time there is potential to solve the conflict.” We need to remember this when we go to the other person in love. Chances are, they don’t even know there is a problem, and if they do, they are more likely than not to want to get it solved right away. That should encourage us.
So, what do we do with that last 20% that will do not want to solve the problem? There are two more steps included. First of all, you need to take two or three trusted members of the church with you to hear the facts. It does not say that you are to gang up on this person by bringing in your friends to prove a point. After all, no one should know what is going on except for you and the person at this point. You just need to bring in some neutral parties to help you try and work out the problem.
If this does not work, then you take it to the church. It does not have to be an announcement from the pulpit or anything, but this is where the pastor and church leadership should get involved. If things continue to remain the same, then we need to do as this verse tells us and treat them as a pagan or tax collector. This can be a very confusing verse. We are not to shun these people. We are not to kick them out of the church. We are to continue to love them – Jesus loved even these people, but we individually should just steer clear of them until the situation changes and you can be reconciled. This is how we are to handle ever conflict that arises.
The goal of all conflict should be reconciliation.
When you think of fights and conflict, what are some things that you think of? For me, two things came to mind. You can either fight with physical force or you can fight with words. For example, a great heavyweight boxing match is a great example of a physical fight. They clobber each other until one person is knocked out, made incoherent, or the final bell rings. Then, a group of judges looks at the fight to determine who does more damage in the fight. An example of a verbal fight would be a great debate. The point of debate is to put together words, ideas, and the like together in a fluent way in order to give acclaim to your point of view and to disprove your opponent’s stance. The winner is the one who talks the slickest, uses the biggest words, or sways the viewpoints of the most people top their side. When we think of conflict I think these are two examples will do.
The problem with these common forms of conflicts is that they cause us to look at conflict in the church in the wrong way. You see, the point of conflict in the world is for one side to win and the other side to lose. That is not how we should approach conflict in the church. When we have conflict in the church, both sides should win in the end. John Maxwell says, “Successful confrontation usually changes both people, not just one.” This is the truth, but it is a hard truth. How many of you like to be told that you are right. When you get in a spat with a spouse or a close friend, don’t you feel great when the other person says, “I’m sorry – I was wrong.” The problem is that this rarely happens. Why? It is because almost every conflict is caused by some type of action by each person involved. It is hardly ever just one person’s fault. Therefore, we must be willing to compromise in every conflict because we should approach every conflict as a chance to promote resolution. The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point is to bring about reconciliation and to restore trust and harmony in the relationship.
So, how did I come to this conclusion from our passage? Jesus had just talked about how to take steps to fix a conflict. Then, he changes the topic to unity by talking about what happens when people agree with each other. To me, that tells me that we need to get through conflict and move on to unity. How does that happen? It happens when we come together in unity. This does not happen if we just try and get our own way. It does not happen if we just try and prove people wrong. This does not happen when we just try and win every conflict. Unity happens when we sit down and work out our problems and the relationship is restored through reconciliation. Like I stated before, both people should win in the end when there is conflict in the church.
There are great rewards for churches that effectively deal with conflict.
Many years ago in a Knicks-Bullets playoff game, one of the Bullets came up from behind the great Walt Frazier and punched him in the face. Strangely, the referee called a foul on Frazier for the play. If I was in this situation, I have to admit that I would be livid, but Frazier did not even complain. His expression never even changed on his face. What did he do? He simply used this to motivate him to be better. He called for the ball and dropped in his next seven shots to lead the Knicks to a victory. This was an amazing display of how conflict can lead to a productive outcome if we handle it the right way.
Jesus promised us some great rewards as well if we can learn how to deal with conflict the right way. In our verses, he tells us, “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” How many of you want God to be as near as possible to you? How many of you want God to give you anything you ask for? It is possible according to out Scripture. What is the condition? We have to be in agreement with another brother and sister and come together. There is tremendous power in a unified church. Do you truly believe it? I don’t think that we always do.
God expects the Hatfields and McCoys to live together in one church. He doesn’t just call them to be tolerant of the other, but he calls them to come together and love each other as Christ loves us. Each time you enter into a conflict, you can either be constructive or destructive to the church as a whole. You can either search for a solution or search for someone to blame. You can either focus on the problem or personalize the argument. You can either work out your problems or walk out on your problems. You can approach it with a positive attitude or be negative and vindictive. The choice is up to you, but it affects the whole church. When you handle the conflict correctly, the church experiences unity and flourishes under the blessings of the Lord. Don’t be the one that stands in the way of the church experiencing this because you refuse to deal with conflict in your life.
It is said that Leonardo da Vinci, when painting the Last Supper, painted Judas’ face as the face of someone with whom he was angry. But, he found he could not paint the face of Jesus until he changed the face of Judas. When we have unresolved conflict in the church, we cannot see the face of Jesus. We must decide to humble ourselves and follow the plan of Jesus. Then, we need to approach the conflict in a way where both sides win by bringing reconciliation to the relationship. Finally, we must see the benefits of unity in the church. There are great things in store for the church that stands together even in conflict. If you are having trouble with conflict in your life, remember this quote from John Maxwell: “Unsolvable conflict is almost always because of a wrong attitude…not because of the issue.” Check your attitude, and then, follow the steps of Jesus. Then, we will be blessed by God. Let’s pray.
For more information on conflict in the church, feel free to read the following books.
• Winning With People by John Maxwell
• Friendly Fire by Mike Warnke
• The Fine Art of Getting Along With Others by Dale Galloway
