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Summary: How do you find a win-win in a conflict?

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Philippians 2:1 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Introduction

The Roots of Division (wrong responses to small offences)

There was a church in Dallas that became so divided that they ignored the clear command of 1 Corinthians 6 that we are not to sue brothers in Christ , and the two sides actually took each other to court in their fight over who would get the church property. The judge wisely ruled that it was not the role of the courts to decide something like that. So he remanded the matter over to the denominational officials to decide. Those officials eventually gave all of the property to one of the factions. And, predictably, the other faction split off and formed their own church nearby. Church growth, American style. During the whole investigation by the denomination, the officials managed to trace the dispute back to its original source. And that was reported in the Dallas news. It turned out the whole dispute began at a church dinner when an elder was served a smaller piece of ham then the child who is sitting next to him.

We hear a story like that and shake our heads at the little-ham elder and think, How could someone be that childish? But you would be amazed if you knew how many church splits began with something almost that trivial. It happens all the time. Someone in the church feels slighted, and they respond in the flesh, with a sinful, selfish, angry reaction. And now that they got their little dig in they think that will be the end of it. But then the other guy reacts in the flesh too, and that provokes another response, and neither side is willing to humble himself and repent, and so it starts to escalate. And at some point the issue shifts from that minor little thing that started it, to some doctrinal issue or a “matter of principle” or something that will make it look like it’s not as petty as it is. And once it becomes attached to a doctrinal issue or a matter of principle, now neither side can ever compromise, so they start digging in. And friends start rallying around friends and pretty soon the whole church is involved. And most of the people have no idea what really started it all.

And later on when somebody is sifting through all the ashes of the devastation, they find that first offense and point the finger at that as the cause. But that’s not really the cause. There are always going to be offenses and sins and insults. Those things are always going to happen; there is just no way around that. But they don’t have to destroy the church. If we can learn to respond in a godly way to insults and the sins of others, then the result can be the strengthening of God’s household, rather than the destruction of it. The little-ham church split in Texas wasn’t caused by someone failing to provide an elder portion to an elder. It was caused by wrong reactions to that, and wrong reactions to those reactions. Maybe the server should have given a little more generous piece. But if the elder had any humility at all, he would have been thankful to have any ham at all, and he would have been thankful for the fact that someone was spending their time and energy serving him food, and would have been happy for the kid who got even more. And he would have assumed the best of the server, and there would have been no problem.

Or, maybe the elder reacts in the selfish, prideful, sinful way that he reacted, but the people around him don’t respond in kind. Instead of letting it escalate into a war, they come alongside that elder and help him see his sin and gently restore him to godliness. There are so many points in the early stages of a conflict where the car can be steered back onto the road so that we don’t drive of the cliff of conflict.

Our Deadly Love Affair with Pride

But if that’s the case, why do so many churches still keep driving off the cliff? Why do so many Christian marriages drive off the cliff? Why do people who have been friends for years throw those friendships away over little offenses? If a huge, painful catastrophe can be avoided just by having a godly response to an offense, why don’t we have more godly responses to offenses than we do? Here’s why: it’s because having a godly response to an offense requires one of the most painful and difficult things a human being can ever do, namely, letting go of pride. We cling to our pride, which is insanity, because nothing causes us more trouble and heartache and loss in life then our pride. Pride turns our Creator against us.

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