Love Your Enemies

The following was purportedly posted on the Craigslist personals:

I am writing to the guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last at 1:43 a.m. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message I am sending to you. This is the only way I could think of to transmit such an important communication to someone I don’t otherwise know.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t expect you to actually soil your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head... isn’t it! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from... I’m sure it was even worse walking barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode to her of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station. Thanks for that. I put my purchase on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. I have to tell you, that really made his day! I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Next, on your cell phone, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense, and we had a nice long chat, my guess is, while he traced your number, etc… I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. I sure do hope you have a great day!

Thoughtfully yours, Alex.

I have no idea how true this story actually is but when I first read it, I spent the next ten minutes laughing. I always enjoy a good funny story. This one was no exception. As I thought about it, most of us would love to be able to put ourselves in the position of the guy from whom the mugger tried to steal. Who among us wouldn’t like to put some bad guy in his place and do so in a way that might not cause physical pain but just might put this so-in-so on a right path, which would make him or her think twice before ever actually mugging someone again? There might not be any physical pain but this guy was certainly looking over his shoulders for a few weeks, watching for the guys in suits with sunglasses over their eyes and ear pieces jammed into their ear canals. The only thing that might be more fun would be watching this guy try to scramble his way out of the mess we created for him.

One day last week, when on my way to the gym I thought I was going to see a war break out in front of my eyes. I was taking the loop east around Lufkin. I had gotten into the right lane, ready to exit when I got to Atkinson. There was one car in front of me and another in the left lane. Suddenly, without signaling, without warning of any kind, the car in the left lane pulls into the path, cutting off the car in front of me, taking the Atkinson exit. Both cars pull up to the light. The guy in the car in front of me jumps out, gun in hand running up to the car. There were a few words said and the guy went back and got back into his car. It made for a tense couple of minutes. I had nothing to do with the whole situation but it was a bit scary being caught in the middle of someone else’s little battle.