Living In The Shadowlands When Faith Begins To Quiver

One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, referred to the Shadowlands in his literary and philosophical works. The Shadowlands signifies that the temporary and imperfect nature of this world is not our home, that our lives are merely a shadow and reflection of the reality of the spiritual realm, because Heaven is our true home. He taught that life on Earth is filled with illusions and distractions that keep us from recognizing the profound truths about Heaven. The Shadowlands remind us that what we experience in life is just a precursor to the ultimate joy and truth found in spending eternity with Jesus.

I come from a full-tilt boogie Pentecostal ministry background, starting when I was a young teenager, and have personally experienced countless legitimate supernatural manifestations of God's power and love. I am more than glad that God is not a cessationist and heals today just as He did 2000+ years ago. However, despite my firm belief, "my" faith has been severely challenged over and over again.

In my early twenties, while I was engaged to be married, my fiancé made an appointment with a Doctor to see about some health issues that had cropped up. After a series of tests, both a diagnosis and a prognosis were given. The diagnosis was that she had contracted a life-threatening illness. The prognosis was that she had seven years to live.

God had filled me with such love for her that even when confronted with the harsh reality of the long-term effects of her disease, I could not bear the thought of being without her. I considered that far worse than any hardships we would ever face through the years.

I was active in ministry, and I blew off the news because I figured the Lord would heal her, and we'd ultimately get back to normal. During the first few years of our marriage, there were various challenging physical problems and concerns, but nothing seemingly insurmountable.

However, at the seven-year mark, my wife's health began to deteriorate rapidly—so much so that she was put into an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at the Hospital for almost six weeks. The doctors were trying everything they knew to control what was happening to her body, but nothing worked.

Soon after her move into the ICU, a nurse called me that the Doctor needed to see me right away. I tried to swallow the big lump in my throat as I headed to the hospital. Her Doctor said that things did not look good and that I should prepare for the inevitable. I was devastated and afraid. Why was God letting this happen? We had gone to healing crusades and hobnobbed with well-known ‘faith healers.” Our church had even called for fasting and prayer for her recovery.

I was confident in ‘my’ faith that God could heal her, but so far, He had not. I reread and restudied every Scripture that spoke of healing, looking for something I may have missed - trying to find answers, but no easy answer came. My formal Pentecostal Bible training had proven it was full of unanswered questions. The doctors had done all they could. The decision was made to send her home to die.

Days turned into months and then years that went by with no change. I was numb from the circumstantial roller-coaster I was on and withdrew emotionally. I was so tired of all the pain and stress that I didn't feel I had the strength to do anything. The storms of life have a habit of crashing one's hopes and dreams on the rocks of reality. However, through it all, the presence of God was palpable, giving me the strength to persevere, and it has never diminished to this day.

Everything I had been taught about faith and healing proved insufficient to provide answers and solutions. Yet my understanding of God's grace, mercy, and sovereignty continues to grow exponentially. My wife had beaten the seven-year curse, but after 36 years of marriage, she finally succumbed to the ravaging effects of the disease, and her desire to stand before love Himself was fulfilled.

Over our life together, we consistently fought back the depths of despair and sorrow that were drawing us into the darkness of the Shadowlands. I can genuinely say that through it all, God’s grace was and always will be sufficient, and His strength is continuously made perfect in weakness.

“Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV)

I know of many faith-filled, humble, and repentant Born-Again Christians who have health challenges and struggle with hope. I have seen far too many treated as second-class Christians because they weren't ‘healed’ and then accused of living in unconfessed sin or lacking faith. This has made many feel disqualified from praying for others' healing because of their own struggles, as their hope quivered.