Little Chunks Of Doubt

We may cluck our tongues and roll our eyes at Thomas in this snippet from John’s Gospel. “How can the unanimous testimony,” we wonder, “of those who saw Jesus that Easter evening still leave Thomas, absent without leave then, in doubt of the Resurrection?” At first glance he just looks irreparably dense and maybe a little faithless. And, ultimately, he and all the Eleven, joined by countless Christians who have not seen the Lord, felt His glorified body, heard His powerful message, did lay down their lives rather than express doubt. Of their bloodied testimony we are all the beneficiaries. Certainly, Thomas wanted to believe, an attitude confirmed by the collapse of his knees in Christ’s presence, and His heartfelt confession transfixing all doubt, “My Lord and My God.”

But doubt persists and seems to belong to every generation. Matthew’s last chapter records that even after forty days of Christ’s appearances, teaching, intimate fellowship around the Eucharistic table, when at last the disciples gathered in Galilee for their last meeting with Christ Resurrected, “some doubted.” That is disturbing enough, but the Greek text just reads “those doubted.” This thought is, though, immediately followed by the great commission to go and teach as Jesus did and spread the Gospel and His baptism to all nations. It’s very much like Christ saying, “I know some of you remain unconvinced, but go forth and preach and teach and heal and see what my Spirit can do in you.” They obeyed, and the world was turned upside down, so that, in Christ, we can all see the world rightly, can see that before and without Christ, everything in our lives would be totally topsy-turvy.

And do we think that it was really easy for Peter to tell a disabled man to arise and walk, or for John, convicted and in exile for some imagined crime against the emperor, to write words boldly stating that Jesus is king of the universe, master of all human affairs? Just in secular life, Jonathan Swift was correct in writing "it was a brave man who ate the first oyster." Drawing lines outside the nine dots is risky, but those who take no risks get no rewards.

Often what we perceive as doubt is not really that severe. We experience times in which faith in Christ seems overwhelmingly demanding. Our response to some tragedy, either man-made or natural, is to pull back from trusting and believing His Word. That kind of hesitation is best called a “difficulty.” Saint John Henry Newman wisely wrote, “Ten thousand difficulties do not make one doubt.” As Dwight Longenecker explains it, the person with a difficulty says, “How can that be so?” whereas a person who doubts says, “That can’t be so!” If I don’t see how, for instance, Jesus could take the water jars at Cana, have them filled with well water, and change their existence into the “best wine,” I can accept the miracle on the testimony of the Church in Scripture, and be satisfied with the eyewitness account and fulfillment of prophecy. I can perhaps never know how it happened, and still believe with my whole heart and mind that it happened.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta visited Texas a few decades ago, and my spiritual director served as her chaplain. He asked what he could do for the “nun of the poorest of the poor.” She answered, “pray for my final perseverance.” What? This living saint asks for prayer so that she might maintain her faith all the way to her death? If so, what hope is there for us “normal” folk?

After Teresa’s death, her daily journal came to be known to scholars. They almost immediately discerned that during the entire period of her life among the destitute of India and other places, she failed to experience the presence of God and the consolation of the Holy Spirit. She lived perpetually in a spiritual desert. Yet God did give her the grace to stay faithful all the way to the end.

In a sense, isn’t it true that the response of Thomas and Peter to the news of Christ’s resurrection, of the unknown number of His followers, of saints over the twenty centuries after that event, is constantly before us as a temptation, even a reality? It's a little chunk of uncertainty. Jesus Himself predicted, “because of the multiplication of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold.” But He also added, “he who perseveres to the end will be saved.” Because of the powerful words of the Word of God, Jesus, we know we can play through the pain and hesitation and anxiety. He will give us the grace to endure all the way to our end.