Family Practice Series

Early in my pastoral career a nearby hospital released a 7-week-old baby to her homeless, drug-addicted mother even though the child was at severe risk of pulmonary arrest. The hospital provided the mother with an apnea monitor to warn her if the baby stopped breathing while asleep, and trained her in CPR. But on the very first night, the mother went out drinking and left the child at a friend's house -- without the monitor. Within seven hours, the baby was dead.

That was an exteme case. But for all too many parents during the crack epidemic of the 80s and the more recent meth epidemic - their chldren will not thrive. They don't know how to do life. All the good intentions in the world don't make up for not having any survival skills. In order for a family to be strong and stable, to protect and nurture its members, there have to be guidelines for behavior. You have to have a support network, people who you can count on to help carry your burdens. And in that way you learn to become the kind of person who will be there for others.

Healthy families have established, consistent patterns of behavior. Kids find out as they grow what's expected of them. By their parents' encouragement, example, and teaching they learn everything from "please" and "thank you" to advanced conflict resolution. Carlos learns to share his trucks with his little brother, Jenny learns that Daddy's more likely to read her a story if her toys are picked up.

Once upon a time I was visiting my godchildren, tripped on something and took a header into the coffee table. As I lay there feeling somethat dazed, not to mention stupid, my 4-year-old godson Teddy came over to me and patted my shoulder, asked if I was okay and did I need some ice. He did that because that's how it's done in his family. He didn't have to stop and think.

Have any of you ever had a foster child, or known someone who did? I had friends back in Minneapolis who adopted three Korean orphans ranging in age from six to ten. Two of them did just fine, but Robbie, their first, was never able to recover from the early trauma; after more than six years everything from running away to vandalism and theft they had to relinquish him to institutional care. Even under the best of circumstances it takes time for an abandoned or neglected child to adapt to the new family because he or she brings all the old behaviors with them - whether it's mistrust, or lying, or destructive behavior. It takes consistency and commitment from the established family to so surround the child with new patterns that gradually the old ways begin to change to new ones.

The people Paul is speaking to, the Christian community in Rome, are in a situation something like that, except that there aren’t any parents, and the adaptation has to go two ways, not just one. It's two sets - Jewish and Gentile - of brand new adopted daughters and sons of God trying to create a blended family. Paul, as the missionary expert in Jewish/ Gentile relations, is giving the Roman church a set of guidelines. This, he is saying, is the standard that both of you have to adapt to. The Jews don't have to become Gentiles, and the Gentiles don't have to become Jews; instead, both of you are to become Christians.

But what has this got to do with us? We don't have a Jewish/Gentile assimilation problem here, and many of us have been Christian long enough to see our grandchildren baptized. So how do Paul's words to the Roman church affect us?

Because all families have conflict. Conflict arises from differences between people; differences in temperament, in goals, in expectations and in habits. Conflict becomes even more likely when people of different backgrounds come together to try to form a new family. That's one of the things that makes marriage such a challenge, and which makes marriage of individuals who have children from previous marriages the most difficult of all. It doesn't have to be backgrounds as different as Gentile and Jew, either; ethnic and economic, generational and educational differences are all just as hard to overcome. And all families interact with the world around them, and members bring behaviors and attitudes learned from the people and cultures around them back into the family. The church is just like that, only more so.

Don't get me wrong. Conflict isn't bad. Conflict is part of life. But there are constructive ways of dealing with conflict, ways that destroy families and communities, and destructive ones.

It takes a strong, consistent, committed family to maintain a healthy, nurturing environment. But it doesn't do any good to be strong, consistent, and committed unless we are also informed. What are the standards of behavior that enable the Christian community not only to survive but to grow and thrive?