8 Keys To Fighting Fair

I want to talk to you today about fightin’. I don’t mean fist-fighting but verbal fighting, arguing. This is not a lesson designed to tell you to stop arguing per se. No, I want to share with you some wisdom from the Proverbs on how to fight fair. The truth of the matter is we fuss and fight with one another. We fight with our spouses. We argue and disagree our family and friends. We spat with neighbors and co-workers, and it’s no secret, we fuss and fight and argue with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Since we engage in verbal disagreement with others, let’s learn the keys to fighting fair.

#1 – Don’t go looking for a fight.

The first rule for How to Fight Fair is that you don’t go looking for a fight. As Christians we don’t want to be the kind of person who is quarrelsome, argumentative or just plain disagreeable. God describes these kind of people as “warped and sinful” (Titus 3:10-11), as well as “foolish”:

“A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.” Proverbs 18:6-7 (also: 3:30; 14:17; 17:27; 29:22)

I’ve noticed that the times I’ve gone looking for a fight, you know those times when you’re mad and you just want to unload on someone, well it’s those times that I don’t fight fair. That’s when I’m angry and I sin (ref. Ephesians 4:26; James 1:19). Let’s not do that, so key number #1, Don’t go looking for a fight.

#2 – If one comes to you, try to diffuse it.

However, there are times when a fight comes to you. So key #2, as best you can, try to diffuse a fight by employing this strategy:

“A soft answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1 (also: 15:4, 18; 17:14; 20:3)

So, when your spouse comes home angry and wants to take it out on you, or your co-worker wants to use you as a verbal punching bag, do your best to diffuse the situation with a soft word. Remember, God wants you, “if possible, so far as it depends on you live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). However, that’s not always the case, so let’s turn our attention on the keys to fighting fair during a fight:

#3 – Listen before you speak.

First, listen before you speak. Do you like it when someone is not listening to what you’re saying because they are formulating a rebuttal. I can’t stand it when people do that to me either. Well you know what? I’m sure others do not like when you or I do the same thing to them. Listen to what God has to say about the matter:

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13 (also: 10:19; 12:18; 13:10; 25:11)

Simply treat others the way you want to be treated (ref. Matthew 7:12). Do you want to be heard? Then give them the same courtesy. “Be quick to hear, [and] slow to speak” (James 1:19a). By doing this, you will demonstrate to the other person that you care about them and their concerns (ref. Philippians 2:3-11) and you will be well on your way to quickly resolving the issue at hand.

#4 – Keep it clean.

Before a fight, boxers are told (at least in the Rocky movies) to, “Keep it clean.” This also applies to verbal arguments and fights as well, so keep it clean. Sarcasm, name-calling, personal insults, belittling, making exaggerated statements, and verbal sucker-punches have no place in our discourse with others. The wise man said,

“Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.” Proverbs 11:12 (also: 12:25; 18:19, 21; 27:3)

Often times, those who lace their arguments with vile, hurtful insults do so out of desperation. They do this because they feel threatened, or they think they are losing the fight. Their argument can’t stand on its own merits so they resort to verbal sucker-punches in an attempt to crush the spirit of the one on the receiving end, thus making reconciliation even harder. Many a marriage and friendship have been irreparably severed because someone verbally hit below the belt. So, fight fair by dropping the personal insults. Keep it clean.

#5 – Stick to the subject at hand.

Next, and this is a cousin to our last point, stick to the subject at hand. For instance, if you’re fighting with your spouse over finances, that’s no time to resurrect something that happened a year ago and throw it back into your spouse’s face. Stick to the subject at hand. If it’s the bills, then talk about the bills, not a broken promise from a year ago to fix a leaky faucet. Wisdom says,