Sexual Satisfaction In Marriage Series

You think about it the most, but you talk about it the least

Some conversations are hard for couples to have, and there is none more awkward for some Christian couples than having a conversation about sex. Given that we live in a culture that is saturated with sexual images and innuendos, it is ironic that many couples cannot communicate well about their sexual desires in a healthy and straight-forward manner. In many cases, the result of not being able to express our wishes and desires leads to hidden sexual frustration. We reach a standoff that can become complicated and challenging to overcome–or so we think. But why bury this conversation when sexual satisfaction may only be a discussion away?

Three Things You Can do to Increase Sexual Satisfaction

One | Sexual satisfaction matters

Now, this may seem obvious, but it’s not verbalized in many marriages: you and your wife both want more and better sex. Yes, you both want it! And the pleasure that comes from it. But if you never talk about sex, then you may be missing a big part of what makes it satisfying. Sex is communication, which is just as important as any other form of oral or physical communication. For a woman, an emotional connection may be an aphrodisiac (although I believe this is a generalization). For a man, visual or verbal stimulation might be a powerful turn-on, (although I also think this is a generalization). In the end, regardless of what stimulates a man or a woman, I believe both want the same thing—deeper communication and intimacy—yet we both go about it a little differently. It’s our responsibility to understand this subtlety and be courageous enough to engage in honest communication to ensure that our spouse’s intimacy needs are met. Dr. Marcus Bachmann, the president of Counseling Care, a faith-based counseling practice in Minnesota, says, “Sex is about giving, not taking.” We need to be better at giving, not just having. And for goodness sakes, we need to have some sexual fun.

Furthermore, when sexual satisfaction is lacking, it breeds a “communication resentment” that can lead to emotional distance, frustration, and anger. As that resentment grows, you are in danger of growing apart, which is why sexless marriages are not honoring to God. Dr. Bachmann said to me in a recent interview, “A sexless marriage is not God’s idea. God created sex.” While the sexual aspect of marriage may need to be discussed and negotiated so that it’s enjoyable for both parties, long-term abstinence for a couple is unhealthy and a sign that we are avoiding required communication.

Two | Overcome the shame

Shame is one of the challenges every man must address. Shame regarding sex may result from subtle messages we embrace about sex from childhood. Or it may be an issue we have with being vulnerable enough to admit to our spouse our sexual ignorance or needs. Men don’t like to be exposed, and this type of conversation is a profoundly vulnerable discussion. We are no more vulnerable than when we are naked in bed and secretly longing to have a new sexual experience. We may hesitate to broach the subject out of embarrassment, even though we know the conversation is what stimulates the change. When you are reluctant to discuss this issue with your spouse, it can become a shaming pattern that has the potential to hold you a prisoner. This is not shaming from God who created physical pleasure for marriage, but shame from the Evil One who wants to keep the two of you apart. As Dr. Bachmann told me, “Sexual messages should be exchanged early in the day, in the middle of the day, and at the end of the day—these should be celebrated.” And I think we should shout yes in agreement. So maybe you need to text your wife right now.

Three | Try having a conversation

Are you ready to start the conversation? A straightforward communication tactic can enhance any hard or challenging issue that you or your spouse face—and this tactic is regular prayer. Now that may sound way too simple, but let me explain. As Christian men, we should believe that Christ is the center of our marriages. Some things are hard to talk with our spouse about, but both of us can speak to God about those things—together. And you cannot speak to God about important issues without the two of you starting to respond to the very things you are asking God for help with. So talk with God about your need for sexual satisfaction. This is easier to do if you and your wife are already in the habit of praying together daily. In a healthy relationship, anything is fair game to talk to God about. Praying for help in your physical, sexual relationship will likely lead to conversations about it, which can lead to greater understanding between the two of you. Try it.