Stepfamily Fundamentals Series

It’s a Family in a Blender

There is no better word to describe the blended family than “blended.” When we consider the challenges of this new family unit, it can often feel like you’ve been thrown in a blender—stirred, chopped, sliced, and beaten to a pulp. The variety of different opinions, philosophies, and approaches coming together at one time frequently contributes to the confusion and chaos. Some days you will barely be able to hold it together. After all, you and your spouse were brought together by love, but only after navigating the trauma of a divorce or death—and perhaps some healing is yet to come for you or other members of your family.

Meanwhile, a new household needs to be established, and your parents, children, and even extended families may have all kinds of opinions on the relationships involved and how they should work. Old patterns, to some extent, will need to be unlearned, and some new models will be invented. This can be especially complicated for children. Familiar with one parenting style, they now have to learn another; the learning curve is only steepened if both biological parents remarry. And thus, this change is challenging for all involved. Both parents and children are likely to experience confusion and frustration at times.

Four Principles to Keep in Mind

One | It’s going to take time

Husbands and wives are required to make each other a priority; this is hard in a newly blended family. It may take extra effort to work through differences, so don’t just storm out of the room physically or emotionally—lean into the conflict. Different parenting styles are going to clash, and former patterns that worked might end up changing into something new and different. These changes are uncomfortable for everyone. It’s going to take time to recognize, agree on, and build this new family system. In the meantime, show respect and kindness. Learn from your partner and listen to her. Create opportunities to brainstorm ideas on making your marriage and family function better. It takes time, but the wait is so worth it.

Two | With children, let the biological parent lead for a season

Upon a divorce or the death of a parent, a child’s world turns upside down. If you think about it, they are along for a ride that they did not ask to be taken on. This amount of change is unsettling for them emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. They need some things to remain unchanged, and one that can be constant is the voice of their biological parent in moments of stress, teaching, redirection, or discipline. So let your wife take the lead in parenting her biological children. You may not always agree with her method of discipline or how she delivers it, but you can respect the choices of your spouse. Over time, the hope is that all your children will learn to respect and love the joint discipline of both parents, biological or not.

Three | Create new methods and memories

There are so many great methods and memories you will struggle to import. This always surprises couples in the new blended family. We assume that everyone will love our old traditions because we thought they were so wonderful and had so many wonderful memories attached to them. And of course, we are shocked when the new family system abhors them. You will have to craft new traditions, and it is going to take time for these ideas to catch on as your new family members accept them as their own. But be patient and hang in there. You are starting over, and with this restart is the opportunity to forge new patterns, new memories, and new methods of life together within this new family that God has assembled. So get creative and start building.

Four | God can do extraordinary work in a blended family

Consider the case of Moses, son of Jochebed, who was born into an Israelite family in Egyptian slavery. Yet for his safety, he was sent down the Nile River in a basket when the Pharaoh of Egypt called for the mass genocide of all the Israelite boys. His parents, who trusted God, discovered that Moses made his way into the hands of Queen Bithia, Pharaoh’s daughter, and was raised in this royal home.

For the first 40 years of his life, Moses grew up in extreme wealth and luxury as a stepchild to the Pharaoh. This was Moses’ stepfamily. Then Moses discovered his Israelite heritage and fled the comfort of this palatial home to discover another home. Later, he headed to Midian, where he established an intimate relationship with God and married Zipporah, the daughter of Jethro.

After another 40 years, Moses left the desert and returned to Egypt as a prophet and leader to free the Israelite nation from captivity, leading them to 40 years of wandering in the desert. There he shepherded a nation of people in hopes of leading them into the land of promise. So think about that for a minute. Moses was a kid who grew up in a stepfamily yet became a father and the leader of God’s people—the man whom God used to lead His people from slavery and through whom God delivered the Law on Mount Sinai. I would say that is a pretty spectacular story of redemption and hope for all stepfamilies.