Nurturing Your Marriage Series

Nurture Is Essential to Life

Often, we don’t think of nurturing as a masculine activity, but it’s extremely masculine. And there’s a lot of leadership, care, and development involved. Nurture is the process of caring for the development of another, which is primary to our role as a leader, husband, and father.

Think of caring for your marriage like nurturing a plant. Yeah, I know, some people are not that great at cultivating plants and frequently kill them. Others have what we call “green thumbs” because they are great at caring for plants and fostering growth. And the difference between these two types of people is how they nurture the plants under their care. In the same way, a neglected marriage is one that, well, fails. It’s one where two people drift apart, harbor resentment, leave issues unaddressed, and give license to sin. Many married men will attest to a season where they’ve felt like their marriages were unnurtured, as will many women. Perhaps we’re pursuing careers, kids, and tons of activities—but we’re not nurturing. We’re bowing to the idols of involvement, achievement, and personal success; we’ve forgotten to nurture our relationship with God and our relationship with our spouse.

Things to Keep in Mind to Successfully Nurture

One | Nurture is a mindset

So many of us have gone about seeking a wife, winning her over, and putting on a display of love. Then comes the wedding, and we think we have arrived. We are led to believe that we’ve accomplished what we came to do—we’ve found the woman of our dreams, and we’ve married her. When we have the mentality that we’re done, what we believe we have is a trophy wife. But your wife is not a trophy to be possessed, gained, or earned—she’s the image of God now one with you. A trophy mentality is deadly to ongoing nurturing activities in marriage. When you get married, you have only just begun the work of nurture. It’s as if you’ve just seeded a new plant. Your marriage is a living relationship that must be cared for in a way that’s either going to make it grow or die.

Two | Nurture is a regular conversation

We take for granted the nurturing need for regular face-to-face communication. And this is not exchanging facts about our day, or opinions about the latest political happening—we’re talking about meaningful sharing that is more transparent than a casual exchange. Notice the patterns in your day. With urgency, you come home at the end of the day only hoping to get through the evening without a major catastrophe. Or by the time evening comes, you are too exhausted to engage in a meaningful dialogue, as it requires more energy than you care to give. Too many successive days like this, and this pattern will become the norm and your marriage will lack the appropriate level of nurture. Neither you nor your spouse will receive the nourishment you need.

A meaningful conversation about your feelings regarding the present and future is a basic nurturing need. It’s like water, sun, and fertilizer for a dying plant. And remember, you can’t just flood a plant with water, sun, and fertilizer—it needs a steady drip. You should be scheduling time for intentional engagement. If your home does not provide a conducive environment, go ahead and plan an occasional getaway at a bed-n-breakfast or a dinner out at a nice restaurant. You should be leading here and not waiting for your wife to prompt you. Plan it for her. And don’t do it selfishly; do it to nurture her and yourself.

Three | Nurture involves learning from others

We need other people in marital relationships to speak into our lives at various stages to challenge us emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Over your marriage journey, you need to find compatible couples with whom you can spend time—including some who are further along in life than you. You should feel comfortable asking them questions and engaging in dialogue about married life. Look for couples who will be transparent with you about life, relationships, and the future. You might find these people at church or in your family. Marriage retreats or seminars can offer great opportunities to get to know compatible couples and begin forging these relationships. Nothing is more helpful than learning from others.