Love Is A Choice Series

Missionaries often get into complicated cross-cultural issues. Such was the case of the

missionary to Africa who had the chief of a tribe all ready for church membership. Only one

barrier blocked the way. The chief had 50 wives, and the church would not admit him to

membership until he dismissed his harem, and kept only one wife. It was a day of rejoicing

when he finally decided to surrender to this demand. But there was one technicality, which

wife should he keep? The missionary ruled that it should be wife number 1, but the chief

thought it should be wife number 16. They departed to think it over for the night, and the

next morning the chief returned. "How many wives you got?" he asked the missionary.

"Why, only one, of course," he replied. "Well then," said the chief, "That settles it. You got

one wife, I got 50. Therefore, I know 50 times more about wives than you do. I keep number 16."

We do not know all the reasons why number 16 was his choice, but this story illustrates a

basic truth about love, and that is that love is a choice. This is the essence of this whole great

love chapter of Paul. He stresses that we are nothing, and we gain nothing, if we do not have

love. Even if we have all kinds of other gifts, we are nothing without love. Everything minus

love equals nothing. That is the formula for failure. Leave out love, and you leave out the

heart, and life is empty. But the whole point is, nobody has to leave out love. Love is a

choice. That is why his first words in chapter 14 are, "Make love your aim." In other

words, love is no mere accident that happens to you. Love is something you do. It is an act

of the will. It is a choice.

God did not look down upon the fallen world and suddenly get goose pimples, and feel

love for lost man. God has feelings of compassion for man, but God's love is not a matter of

feeling, it is a matter of His will. He could have justly chosen to destroy man, but He chose

to show mercy, and provide a way of escape, that man might be redeemed. God's love for us

was a matter of choice, and not emotion, for it was while we were yet sinners that He chose to

die for us. His emotions were just the opposite of His choice of love. Sin makes God angry,

and you too can be angry with someone, but still chose to do the loving thing, just as God did,

because love is a choice.

This does not mean love is cold and unfeeling, but that love can and does function with or

without the energy of feeling, for it is primarily an act of the will. Ordinarily the two will

coincide, and the choice of love will produce the positive feelings that go with a loving choice.

But if for some reason the feelings are short-circuited, true love goes on choosing without

their support. This is how you distinguish between love and infatuation. Infatuation is an

emotion which controls you. It is a powerful feeling that motivates you, but circumstances

can alter it, and, therefore, it is dependent upon that which is outside you. Love, on the other

hand, is an act of the will, and you can continue to choose it regardless of changing

circumstances and feelings. Someone defined love as the feeling you feel when you feel like

your going to feel a feeling like you never felt before. This is infatuation and not love.

In our culture we often we fall in love and marry on the basis of infatuation. Then we

learn to love, that is, develop a pattern of choices whereby we relate to our mate in love as

acts of the will, and not emotion. In many cultures the young people start off on this level.

They do not date or experience the emotion of infatuation, but they are brought together by

their parents, and they choose to love the one so selected. This is not appealing to us, but it

has been a very effective method for marriage, for it is based on love as a choice, and not as

an emotion. We are so hung up about feelings in our culture, it is hard for us to grasp this

truth that love is a choice.

The more we can make love a choice, the more we will understand love in all

relationships, and the better we will be able to sustain and improve all relationships. Jamie

Buckingham, an outstanding Christian author, was explaining his parental love to his 14

year old daughter. He said to her, "When your older sisters and brothers were born I loved